Alicorn

by Aldea Donder

09. The Pranking of Princess Luna

ALICORN
by Aldea Donder

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is property of Hasbro, Inc.
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CHAPTER NINE
The Pranking of Princess Luna

Originally Published 7/13/2016

The midnight train out of Manehattan clacked its way through hill and vale, past the bountiful forests and the little cottage homes that dotted the countryside of northeast Equestria. All sight of the soaring metropolis had long since retreated from view beyond the bluffs and knolls, but outside, through the caboose’s windows, the city lights still smeared across the horizon, bleaching the eastern sky.

Inside, a pair of hard-nosed guards were traveling back to the capital. One of them was Otto Bravemane, a hulking ogre of a pegasus with braided locks and an auburn beard to frame his limitless smile. The other one was Captain Tristar, who had a contemplative expression affixed to his face as he pretended to listen to his junior prattle on:

“…Mowing the lawn. Definitely mowing the lawn. A real stallion takes pride in his lawn, y’know. The neighbors, they hire out. Lazy cads. Get one of ’em pizza-faced earth pony colts to come up and push the mower every week. Nah, that ain’t for me. A well-tended lawn’s something to take pride in, hoof, wing, or horn. Ain’t that right, Cap’n?”

Tristar didn’t answer. He seemed to be in a faraway place, submerged in his thoughts.

His gaze drew to center of the train car. To the little onyx pedestal that had been installed there, and the swirling silver surface of the crystal ball set on top of it.

Whitehoof’s little miracle orb.

Two weeks now, he’d lived with the damn things, and he still couldn’t get used to them. It was like having a blind seer’s pupil-less eye constantly staring at you. Watching, yet not watching.

Otto kept right on talking. “Cooking. Barbecue. Mmm-mmm, barbecue! Can’t wait to have me some of that! I’ve had my fill of rations and barracks grub, let me tell you. You know we just spent fourteen days in Manehattan and I didn’t even get to try a Pony Island hotdog?” He scowled a short-lived scowl. Then he smiled. “Still, home cooking’s gonna be a welcome change. Might even be worth the missus dragging me out by the ear every Sunday to help with the shopping.”

Twelve rats without tongues, unwilling to talk, and the thirteenth would rather eat its own tail than prey on the rest, Tristar mused bitterly.

Visions of the recent past flashed in front of his eyes. Metal chairs and concrete rooms. The look of frustration on Princess Luna’s face after every failed interrogation.

Ponies didn’t last this long under pressure. At least, not normal ponies. Normal ponies bent and broke and sold each other up the river for a shiny gold bit. There was something wrong about the thirteen they’d brought in. Something unnatural and disturbing.

“Doesn’t make any sense…” he muttered.

“Heh! I’ll say it doesn’t make any sense! Grocery store’s always packed on the weekend! But you know, some things are worth it. Like good eating. And keeping the ole’ house harpy happy.”

Tristar’s eyes rose. “Otto.”

“Yes, sir?”

“…With me,” the guard captain said. He jerked his head toward the rear door and started on his way.

Half a minute later, the two of them were outside on the back platform of the caboose, the train tracks whizzing by below them as the thunderous noise rumbled in their ears. Otto Bravemane had a funny look on his face as Tristar swung the door shut behind them and secured it. “There a good reason why we’re out here right now instead of in there?” he shouted over the noise.

The silver-maned pegasus checked the door one more time before he turned and looked at Otto. “We need to have words.”

“It’s a little loud for that! Maybe we oughta go back inside—”

“Not in front of that thing,” Tristar spat.

He pointed east with his hoof, off in the direction of the city.

“I’m dispatching you back to Manehattan. If you take off now, you can be there by first light. Tell the commissioner to prep for another round of interrogations. I’ll arrive in two days to oversee them.”

“What? Back to Manehattan?” Otto gaped. “That whole investigation’s been charlie-foxtrot since day one! We already know they ain’t gonna gab. You really wanna put on another goon parade?”

“LIEUTENANT!” Tristar snapped. “I didn’t allow you to make it this far in the Royal Guard so I could listen to you complain! Your orders are to fly for Manehattan. UNDERSTOOD?”

The other pegasus snapped to attention. “Yes sir, Cap’n Tristar, sir!”

“This one’s off the books. We’ve done things Celestia’s way, Luna’s way, Whitehoof’s way… Now, we’re going to do things my way. And I’m bringing in my own experts.”

“Sir, yes sir, Cap’n Tristar!” came the response again.

Tristar gave a nod. “Dismissed."

Otto opened his wings. Before he took flight, he paid one last glance at the blustery guard captain, and his trademark smirk found its way back to his face. “On the bright side, looks like I’m gonna have a second chance at that Pony Island hotdog, eh?”

With a mighty gust, he launched into the air, away from the rumbling train and off into the night.

Tristar had an unsettled look about him as he watched him go.

---

“Look, Twi, I get what you’re saying and all. It’s just…”

“I get what you’re saying, too. I still think you should reconsider.”

“Nothin’ doin’. I’ve made up my mind on this, and nothing you or anypony else says is gonna get me to change it.”

Rainbow Dash cast her gaze aside, her troubled eyes roving across the polished suits of polished armor as they walked past. “Party, shmarty,” she said. “It ain’t for me.”

Twilight gave her a pointed look. “You were excited about going to the Grand Galloping Gala, weren’t you?”

“Uh, yeah! We all were! …Until we actually got there and realized how lame it was, remember?”

“Well, yes, but—”

“Besides, that’s not the same as this. It’s… different now.”

Her face fell. A second later, though, she gave Twilight a wry smile.

“Eeyeah, no. Think I’m gonna pass. Some fancy-schmancy shindig with a buncha stuck-up snobs? Not my scene.”

“You know, the Summer Sun Celebration is more than just some snooty party. The banquet and ball can attract some… ‘stuck-up snobs,’ I’ll admit. But that’s not really what it’s all about.”

“Yeah?” Rainbow interjected. “What’s it about, then?”

“It’s about…”

Twilight paused to think how best to explain it.

“I… I know you aren’t much a student of history, but you know of the Dark Ages that preceded Equestria, right? Before the Migrations, when the tribes set aside their old hatreds and banded together. Before the reign of Celestia and Luna, when it seemed the world would be torn by shadow—or saved by a miracle alone.”

Rainbow rubbed her brow. “Ugh. You’re giving me flashbacks to third grade social studies here, Twi.”

“The Summer Sun Celebration commemorates the end of that horrible chapter, and the inauguration of Princess Celestia’s age of light. It’s about more than just the solstice, or even honoring the sun. It’s about…”

She trailed off again, and Rainbow frowned at her. “What?”

“It’s about… hope.”

Rainbow seemed unimpressed, but Twilight doubled down, “It’s about hope. The hope our ancestors had for a better world… for a better future. The hope all of us try to keep alive inside ourselves—burning bright, like the light of the sun.

“It’s… It’s about overcoming the dark times in each of our lives, when everything feels wrong and nothing makes sense, and what lies ahead is… strange… and uncertain.”

She paused and looked down at the floor, and she was quiet for a few moments. Then she glanced up at Rainbow Dash again, her face writ with conviction and her voice full of meaning. “The Summer Sun Celebration is about hope. And it’s about coming together.”

“Yeah? Well…!” Rainbow looked about ready to argue.

She didn’t, though. In the end, the fight drained out of her, and she just broke her gaze and sighed.

“I… I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe you’re right, and there really is more to it than a buncha jerks tripping over themselves to see who can bow the lowest. I dunno.”

Twilight gave a satisfied nod.

“Still doesn’t mean I’m gonna change my mind about the stupid party, though,” Rainbow muttered.

“I’ve been to every Summer Sun Celebration since I was little. It’s… one of the most special days of the year for me. The Summer Sun Celebration was when I realized I wanted to learn about magic. It’s where I discovered who I really was.”

A wistful smile touched Twilight’s face. She continued, “Rainbow, just think about it, okay? In the end, it’s your decision, but… just think about it for a little while. That’s all I or anypony else can ask you to do.”

The cyan filly turned and grumbled, “Not going to any stupid, stuck-up, horrible bucking—”

“Rainbow!”

“Ugh, fine! I’ll think about it. Are you happy?”

Twilight smiled. “Good,” she said.

And she decided to leave it at that, hoping, deep down, that Rainbow would listen, and take her advice to heart. It was no easy thing convincing her headstrong friend to change her mind about anything, but going would be the best thing for her. For if the brash speedster could take one tenth as much solace from the Summer Sun Celebration as Twilight had, then that would make it all worthwhile.

On through a gaping arch, they went, and the mammoth expanse of the castle dining room opened up around them. Twilight pulled out a chair for herself at the long table, and Rainbow followed suit, glad to finally be done with the prior conversation. Glad just to finally be here, actually—it was a quarter to six, she hadn’t eaten since that pre-nap granola bar, and she was bucking hungry.

The second she jumped up in the seat, though, she could tell something was wrong. Twilight’s face had gone white, and she was staring at her with a look of horror.

“Uh… Somethin’ the matter?” Rainbow asked.

“That’s—That’s—Princess Luna’s chair!”

Rainbow glanced over her shoulder at the carved emblem of the moon set into the wooden back. She groaned, “Aw, jeeze, not this again! Y’know, I’ve kinda come to expect it from Domo and the rest of the zombies around here, but hearing it from you is just—”

“JUST! …Get up, Rainbow,” Twilight said. Each word squeezed through a toothy grin, so impossibly wide it looked like it hurt.

“Why?”

“Because—Because that’s Princess Luna’s chair! And there are lots of other seats! That’s why!”

“So what?”

The unicorn’s jaw dropped, and her eyes darted nervously to the open archway, as if anticipating somepony might walk in and catch them in the act at any second.

“So what? So what?!”

“Yeah, so what?!” Rainbow shot back. She kicked her hooves up on the table to show how little she cared.

Twilight’s eye twitched. “Rainbow Dash—”

“Just relax, would ya? Jeeze! Do you always have to do this?”

“Do what?”

“This!” Rainbow spread her hooves in an obvious gesture. “You always do this! You sweat the small stuff, and you whip up a storm obsessing over things nopony else cares about but you!”

“I do not!”

“Uh, yeah, you do! Especially when it comes to the princesses. Doesn’t matter if it’s the most low-key thing ever—if the banner isn’t spelled right, or the decorations aren’t perfect, or the spoon’s on the wrong side of the fork, you lose your marbles!”

“Okay, first of all, the spoon shouldn’t be anywhere near the fork. The spoon goes next to the knife.”

Rainbow pulled down the bottoms of her eyelids. “Oh my gooooosh.”

“And second, I do not obsess over things! Just because I have manners and pay proper respect doesn’t make me obsessive!”

“It’s just a chair, Twi.”

“It’s Princess Luna’s chair. And would you please get out of it? Please? For my sake? Please, if our friendship means anything, could you just… sit somewhere else? It would make me feel better.”

Rainbow rubbed her chin as she pondered the request. After a moment she gave her reply:

“Nah.”

Twilight gaped at her. “What?”

“I said no. I like this chair. In fact—” Rainbow jumped up and did a few push-ups off the armrests. “—I think I’m gonna keep it.”

“What?!”

“That’s right! Luna thinks she can just stamp her cutie mark and claim all the good seats for herself? Ha! Her and what army? I’ll show her a thing or three!”

Rainbow spun the chair backwards and used it for a podium. “For way, way too long have the poor, deprived Rainbow Dashes of the world been CHAIRLESS, while Princess Luna and her Canterlot pals have been totally chair… ful.”

Her face scrunched as she ran the last sentence back through her head. Then she shrugged and slammed the table.

“THAT ALL ENDS TODAY! Today, we strike a blow for chairless ponies everywhere! Today, we tell Luna WE WON’T STAND FOR IT! …Like, literally, get it? Because we’re all gonna be sitting. You got that, right Twi? I’m still new to this witty banter stuff, you’ve gotta let me know if I’m hitting the mark—”

“What’s going on, sister?”

Twilight’s head whipped around. There, far down on the other end of the table, was Princess Celestia—and an intrigued-looking Princess Luna, standing right beside her.

“I’m not sure, Tia. But I think my chair has been annexed,” Luna said.

Twilight buried her head in her hooves. “Oh no.”

“Mwahahahaha!” Rainbow’s mad laughter filled the hall. “That’s right! Your chair is totally an eckst! And soon, lots of other stuff of yours is gonna get eckst, too!”

She struck a pose. Then, in a totally-not-obvious-to-anyone-watching way, she leaned over and whispered behind her hoof, “Hey, Twi, what the heck is an eckst?”

“The word is annexed. It means taken over.”

“Right! I knew that!”

Rainbow gave a flap. In the blink of an eye, she was balancing skillfully on the back of the chair. “LUNA!”

The navy-blue alicorn raised an eyebrow. “Yes?”

A wicked grin stole across Rainbow’s face. Summoning her best Power Ponies impression, she jabbed a hoof out accusingly and declared, “Luna! Your evil reign of evil-ness is at an end! I, the great Rainbow Dash, am here to put a stop to your chair-sitting ways!”

“Oh?”

“Tales of your crimes are told far and wide! And they’re… uh… really, totally not cool. Too many innocent chairs have been made to suffer at the hands of your butt!”

Twilight gave a humiliated groan and buried her head even deeper in her hooves.

Meanwhile, Luna’s smirk turned positively carnivorous. She beckoned for Rainbow to continue. “Please! Do go on!”

“Uh…” Rainbow frowned and paused to think for a moment. “Your evil reign of evil-ness is at an end!”

“You said that already,” Celestia pointed out.

“Shut up!” said Rainbow. Striking yet another heroic pose, she gloated, “Remember this day, Luna, and remember well! For today… is the day you learned the totally lame taste of defeat! Live in shame with the knowledge that your magic is no match for my awesomeness, and know that this chair is only the first chair to fa-AAAAALL!”

In a puff of blue smoke, the chair disappeared out from under her. She gave a squawk; her wings fired too late, and she fell down and hit the floor with a thud!

Seconds later, she got woozily back up, hooves groping for the edge of the table as her eyes spun around in their sockets. She lifted her chin onto the tablecloth and groaned.

Above her, Luna sat levitating in the chair, sipping tea.

“Hey! No fair! I annexed that!” Rainbow cried.

The lunar goddess smiled down at her smugly. “First rule of war. Don’t take over what you can’t keep.”

“Oh, so it’s a WAR you want, is it?!”

Celestia approached cautiously at her side. “Rainbow Dash,” she spoke gently, “maybe you should—”

“Nuh-uh! YOU stay out of this! This is between ME and HER!”

Rainbow hoisted herself all the way up, forehooves splayed wide upon the tabletop. She glared up at Luna’s cocky, self-satisfied, tea-sipping mug with a dangerous glint in her eye.

“If it’s a war you want, IT’S A WAR YOU’LL GET!” she said, cracking her neck from side to side. “So what’s it gonna be? An iron pony competition? A race? Pranks at dawn?”

“Pranks?” Luna repeated.

It didn’t seem like she quite understood at first, but slowly, a cheshire grin spread across her face.

“Doth mine ears deceive me? Art thou daring me to a duel of wits?”

“Rainbow…” Twilight said warningly.

But Rainbow just waved her off. “I don’t know what the heck you just said, but you’re going DOWN, Princess!”

“Pranks it is, then!” Luna clapped her hooves together. “Oh, Tia, this’ll be amusing, don’t you think? Just like when we were foals! Why, it’s been a thousand years since I’ve had a good challenge! Although, I feel the need to warn you—”

She floated forward in her chair, leaned down, and met Rainbow with a psychotic leer.

“—you aren’t going to win.”

Rainbow took an automatic step back. Her lip curled.

But the crazed expression only lasted an instant on Luna’s face before it disappeared, gone without a trace. “Now then!” the Princess of the Moon exclaimed, smiling happily—

—as her chair promptly pivoted in midair, drifted down, and thwacked Rainbow Dash out of the way.

Another yelp flew from the poor, battered filly as she was taken totally by surprise again. Knocked ruthlessly onto her side, she could only glower and look up with clenched teeth as Luna landed the chair right back at the head of the table, assuming her rightful place.

“Shall we eat?” the victorious princess suggested.

Rainbow growled and leapt to her hooves. “You think this is over? This TOTALLY isn’t over! I’VE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT!”

With that, she took wing and stormed out. Her voice carried back into dining room from down the hall, full of retribution: “YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF RAINBOW DASH…!”

The three remaining ponies fell quiet after that. Celestia just shook her head at the shenanigans and took her own seat next to Luna.

Luna gave her sister a knowing look. “How long do you suppose it’ll be before she’s back?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Celestia said. “Give it about… thirty seconds.”

Twenty seconds later, Rainbow waltzed back in. She rubbed the back of her head sheepishly.

“Uh, sorry. Forgot I hadn’t eaten yet.” Her stomach picked that moment to let out a particularly-loud rumble.

Luna smiled graciously, their hostilities temporarily forgotten. “That’s quite all right. Come join us for dinner.”

With no other option, Rainbow swallowed her pride and pulled out a chair for herself. Right next to Twilight.

“Told you sooooo,” the unicorn whispered.

Rainbow gave her the stink eye.

---

A few hours later…

“Challenge me to a prank war, will she? Ha! She doesn’t even know the meaning of the word!”

Rainbow’s tongue stuck out the side of her mouth as she fumbled with the scissors. Snip, snip, went the blades as they chomped through another strip of black construction paper.

“I’ll show her,” she muttered under her breath. “I’ll show her who’s the prankingest pony of them all! …GYAH!”

The paper crumpled in her hooves, and she tossed it over her shoulder with a scowl. Behind her, on the floor, the discarded remnants of her past attempts collected in a crinkled pile, a testament to just how bucking hard it was for a pony to use scissors. Bucking unicorns had it so bucking easy with their horns…

“Wait a sec.”

She stopped short. Realization rolled over her, and she donked herself on the head. “Duh!”

Rainbow closed her eyes and puffed out her cheeks. Her horn glowed, the scissors wobbling in her pure, white aura. She grinned. Reaching for another sheet, she proceeded to mutilate it by magic instead of by hoof.

It took her half a ream of construction paper, but she finally had it: the perfect prank to prove to Luna how completely in-over-her-head she was. She smiled down devilishly at the hoofmade terror she’d constructed, her mind already racing victory laps.

She secreted it away in a saddle pack and took it with her to the castle solarium—ostensibly a room for ponies to soak up the light of the day, but also a place she knew Luna had a habit of visiting at night. For frequently, as Rainbow did her evening exercises, zigzagging at top speed in-between the lofty pinnacles, she would happen to glance through the glass dome of the solarium and spot the lunar princess reclining there. Usually with her muzzle buried in some thick, egghead book.

Rainbow could barely keep a lid on her glee. Her only regret was that she wouldn’t be here herself to witness the fallout.

She stuck her arts-and-crafts project into the lamp, and then she flew out, snickering.

A few minutes later, Luna flew in. She plucked her worn and dog-eared copy of Crime and Ponyshment from the bookshelf, poured herself a glass of wine, flicked on the light, and was just about to sit down and enjoy her evening when she did a double-take.

A cockroach was silhouetted against the lampshade.

At least, she thought it was supposed to be a cockroach. If you ignored the fact that it had four legs, not six, and if you squinted at it just right, it… well, it almost kind of looked like a cockroach.

Luna’s horn flickered, and the black insect-shaped cutout levitated out from behind the shade and into her waiting hooves. She scoffed and shook her head at it. “Amateurish.”

She zapped the thing away without a second thought.

Then she looked all around, peering outside through the wall-to-wall windows and up through the great, glass roof. But there wasn’t any sign of an intruder. Only the stark blackness of the mountainside at night, and the shimmering stars above.

Of course, that didn’t mean there was any doubt in her mind as to who the culprit was. Her eyes narrowed, and a fiendish smirk drew to her lips as she planned her retribution…

---

“I still think the whole thing is foalish,” Twilight groused. She held her head low as she shuffled down the hall, bound toward the castle library for their morning magic lesson.

Beside her, Rainbow backstroked through the air without a care in the world. “It’s not foalish! It’s a matter of honor!”

“It hasn’t got anything to do with honor. It’s foalish.”

“But—”

“And you don’t have a prayer of winning, by the way.” Twilight turned up a piercing eye to look at her friend.

“Oh yeah? What makes you so sure?”

“You aren’t as powerful as Luna is, for one thing. Or as talented.”

“Gee, thanks,” came Rainbow’s reply, dripping with sarcasm. “Glad to know you have so much faith in me.”

“I don’t think you understand what you’re up against. Princess Luna is over a thousand years old—”

“Most of which she spent in the moon.”

Twilight waved the point off with her hoof. “Granted, but even before she was imprisoned there, she was already an accomplished mage, not to mention one of the most gifted illusionists in the history of Equestria. The contemporary accounts of her spellwork all confirm—”

“How good were her pranks?”

A few seconds ticked by as Twilight stared at her. “…There aren’t any contemporary accounts of her pranks, Rainbow.”

“Exactly! So how do you know how good she is at them?”

“…I’m just saying, her proficiency at magic will give her an advantage when it comes to—”

“Did they even have pranks a thousand years ago?”

The unicorn tensed. “Are you even paying attention to what I’m—”

“Listen, Twi, you worry too much! I’ve got this in the bag! Don’t forget, you’re looking at the undisputed Ponyville prank master for the last three years running!”

Twilight scowled. “Whatever you say. I just hope this little prank war of yours doesn’t get too out of control.” They drew to a stop in front of the library door, and she met Rainbow with another pointed look. “Speaking of control, did you bother to do the assignment I gave you?”

“I—uh—”

Rainbow clammed up. She rubbed the back of her head sheepishly.

“My… tortoise ate my homework?"

“Rainbow Dash!”

“I know! Jeeze! Cut me some slack, would you?” Rainbow said. “To tell you the truth, your lessons are kind of annexing my life right now.”

Twilight grit her teeth as she magicked open the door. “That’s not the correct usage of—”

ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAORRRRRGHHHHH!

Their hooves left the ground, and the next thing they felt was the crack! of the impact as they each hit the wall, lifted and lobbed back like toys by the force of the bellowing roar. Twilight sputtered, the air ripped from her lungs, her vision swam as her brain bounced in her skull; next to her, she heard Rainbow Dash groan; and together, the two of them slid to the floor, leaving a pair of perfect, pony-shaped impressions embedded in the white plaster of the corridor.

“Wh… What happened?” the unicorn croaked.

Rainbow pointed through the open doorway. “L-Look!”

Twilight did just that. Her sharp eyes followed the path of Rainbow’s hoof, and… and…

It was GIANT! Fifteen glistening feet of exoskeleton—TWENTY if you counted the antennae—scrabbling on spiny, spindly legs the length of tree branches! Its soulless eyes gleamed like black diamonds from in-between the bookcases, and as it started to smash its way toward them, thrashing through tables and shelves, its gaping maw opened wide, and it belted out another savage cry—

ROOOOOAORORORRRGHGHHHGHHHHH!

“It’s a ro… It’s a roaaa…”

“I don’t care what it is, IT’S COMING RIGHT AT US!” Rainbow yelled.

That was enough to snap Twilight back to her senses. She leapt to her hooves and jumped in front of Rainbow, a spell already charging at the tip of her horn. “GET OUT OF HERE! I’LL HOLD IT OFF!”

“What?!”

“I said GO! GET OUT OF HERE!” A crackling globe of magic was growing rapidly above her head, throwing off rays of purple light like a mad disco ball. “FIND A GUARD OR SOMETHING! GO GET HELP!”

“But—”

Rainbow’s protests caught in her throat when the monstrous creature skittered up to the door, and—finding it a teensy bit too small—decided to undertake some very minor renovations by BASHING ITS WAY STRAIGHT THROUGH. The wall exploded, leaving a cavernous hole between the hallway and the adjoining library.

Twilight looked horrified, but she bounded straight ahead to meet the beast. It swiped at her with one of its razor-sharp legs, but she jumped out of the way at the last second, dancing around to the opposite side of it and shouting to draw its attention.

It worked. The thing lumbered around to go after her, leaving Rainbow alone amid the rubble in what was left of East Wing corridor.

“Twilight!”

She shook off her stupor, flapped, and zoomed up into the air. No way was she gonna let her friend do this by herself!

“RAINBOW! WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?” Twilight shrieked.

The thing lashed out again, trying to pincer her with its swordlike front legs. She barely evaded it, dodging back nimbly into the periodical section as the razor-sharp appendages shishkabobed a twin pair of busts. Luna’s head and Celestia’s head flew off their plinths, cracked together, and shattered into a thousand pieces.

“I SAID GO GET HELP! DIDN’T I SAY GO GET HELP?”

Rainbow’s wings revved. “HANG ON! I GOT THIS!” she shouted, aiming herself at the monster’s backside, left hoof outstretched in front of her like a battering ram.

Twilight peered around the creature’s hulking frame. Her eyes bulged. “NO-NO-NO-NO-NO-WAIT!”

Too late! Rainbow shot off like a missile at the exact same moment the spell finished charging and flew from Twilight’s horn. The globe of magic swelled and surrounded the creature, enveloping it in a purple dome, and now it was Rainbow’s turn to panic as she found she couldn’t stop, couldn’t peel off, couldn’t do a single thing to keep from slamming into the barrier at a hundred miles an hour—

PING!

She ricocheted off the top of the bubble like a stone skipping off water, cartwheeling through the air, tumbling around and around—and straight into Twilight.

“OOF!”

Unfortunately, conservation of momentum wasn’t done having its way with them yet. The two of them rolled together until they both crashed into a bookcase. A hundred dusty tomes fell out, smacking them in their poor, defenseless heads and burying them beneath a pile of encyclopedias—and then, for no other reason than to drive Twilight over the edge of madness, the bookshelf toppled backwards into another bookshelf…

…which toppled into another bookshelf…

…which toppled into another bookshelf…

“AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!”

Twilight’s head exploded out from the pile, her eyes filled with the wild berserker frenzy of an obsessive-compulsive librarian. “I SAID GET HELP! WHAT WAS WRONG WITH GETTING HELP?”

“I was helping!” Rainbow said. The books rolled off her as she shuffled to her hooves.

Behind them, in the background, the …whump! …whump! …whump! of the bookcase domino effect went on… and on… and on…

Twilight’s eye twitched.

She might have gone off again, but just then, the dome, already cracked down the middle by Rainbow’s collision, flickered and went out when the creature threw its weight against it one last time.

“Oh, COME ON!” said Rainbow.

Twilight couldn’t help but glower at her. “You know, if you’d learned a SINGLE THING I’ve tried to teach you about barrier spells, this WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED.”

“GYAH! I’m sick of this! Don’t hold me back, Twi—I’m gonna SQUASH THIS THING!”

“It’s a COCKROACH! You can’t kill it! For crying out loud, it can survive a THERMONUCLEAR BLAST!”

“I DON’T CARE! I’M STILL GONNA… Wait, a cockroach?”

Rainbow froze. The gears turned in her head.

A shadow fell over them as the behemoth opened its jaws and its wings at the same time. With a roar, it vaulted into the air, and time slowed down as it hung there above them, all gnashing mandibles and crushing carapace and six spindly legs ready to come down and skewer them, and Twilight’s eyes flew open in fear, she didn’t have another spell prepped, she couldn’t put up another barrier—

“TRY AND MAKE A CHUMP OUTTA ME, WILL YOU?” Rainbow snarled as she flew up to meet it. “I’LL SHOW YOU!”

Her vision was blurring at the edges, the speed was ringing in her ears. She tore through the air, hooves windmilling, ready to plant one between the monster’s cold, black eyes…!

Then, there was a poof! and a puff of smoke, and instantaneously, the creature disappeared…

…and Rainbow went flailing through the suddenly-empty space where it had been, not a second ago! The last words out of her mouth before she smacked face-first into the wall were, “WAI-WAI-WAIT! WHERE DID IT—ARRRRRGGGH!”

She slid slowly, painfully down to the floor. And for a short while, there she lay, slumped forward and groaning, until Twilight arrived at her side to help her up.

“Did…” She coughed. “Did I squash it?”

“Look,” Twilight said, and Rainbow looked.

She had a hard time believing her own eyes. The whole place was put together again. The shelves were back to standing, and all the books were back on them, and all the damage of the last five minutes looked like it had never happened. Even the wall had been un-demolished.

Everything was exactly as it was before.

All except for one thing.

There was something on the floor, smiling up at them. Situated exactly where the monster had been.

It looked little and harmless, but they approached it with caution, both of them on their highest guard. Rainbow didn’t know what to anticipate at this point, though privately, she was ready for the thing to jump at her and try to chew her face off.

Twilight picked it up.

It was a stuffed cockroach, made of felt and cotton plush, and it grinned at them evilly as it twirled in her magical grasp. Their eyes fell upon a tag sewn just below the right antenna, where the following message had been inked in swooshing blue cursive:

Nice try. —L

---

“Are you happy now?!”

Twilight paced the floor. A short distance away, the stuffed cockroach floated inside a precautionary purple bubble, and she bounced a glare back and forth between it and Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow, for her part, looked distraught.

“I can’t believe it,” she said. Her bright pink eyes were lowered, staring gloomily down at the floorboards.

“How can you not?! You just saw it for yourself! And I told you a dozen times before that—you’re no match for Princess Luna! No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, she’s always going to have the upper hoof against you!”

“I just… can’t believe it,” Rainbow mumbled again.

She forced herself to look back up again. A cloud of anger slowly rolled over her.

“I... I just… I can’t believe I fell for it!”

Twilight looked at her disbelievingly. “What?”

“It’s a BUG! A stinkin’ BUG! I shoulda seen through it! STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!” She smacked herself in the head.

The incredulous expression on Twilight’s face morphed back to anger. “Seriously? After everything that just happened, that’s the only thing you can think about right now?”

“I can’t believe she got me so good! Gyah!”

Now Rainbow began to pace the floor as Twilight stood and looked on, silently stewing.

“She thinks she can out-prank the prank master? Ha! No way! This calls for some perious payback—”

Twilight waved her hooves frantically. “No! No payback! Payback bad! Peacemaking good!”

“But how can I make peace when I haven’t won yet?”

“Don’t you get it? You aren’t going to win. You’re going to lose! Badly! And at the rate you’re going, you’re going to end up taking half of Canterlot with you!”

“I won’t lose,” Rainbow scoffed.

“You will.”

“I won’t.”

“Yes, you will!”

“No, I won’t! Look, Twi, all I need is a little magic in my corner and I can totally pull this off. If you and I teamed up against her—”

“Absolutely not!”

“But—”

“No!” Twilight stomped her hoof. Her smoldering purple eyes burned into Rainbow’s. “I won’t be a party to this!”

But a moment later, her expression softened when she caught sight of the betrayed look on Rainbow’s face. She spoke again, remorsefully, “Look, you’ve obviously made up your mind to prank her back, and I’m obviously not going to be able to talk you out of it. Just… leave me and the rest of the Canterlot Archives out of it, okay?”

“Fine! Way to leave a friend hanging,” Rainbow snapped. She stalked away, muttering.

Twilight reached out toward her. “Rainbow Dash…”

“Tank.”

“T… Tank?”

“Yeah. Tank,” Rainbow said. “Tank’s a bro. He’ll help me.”

“…How, exactly?”

“I… I could get him to… to…” Her voice trailed off, and she looked down at the floor. But a couple seconds later, inspiration struck, and she flashed a cocky grin. “Cross the road!”

“Cross… the road?” Twilight repeated.

“Yeah!” Rainbow said. “Tank’s a tortoise, right? And tortoises cross the road all the time! So they can, like… get to the beach to lay their eggs and stuff, right?”

“Actually, that’s a misconception. It’s primarily sea turtles belonging to the taxonomic family Cheloniidae who tend to—”

“So I get Tank to cross the road in front of Luna’s carriage, and BOOM! What’s she gonna do about it? She has no choice but the sit there and wait in traffic! Instant prank!”

Twilight stared at her dubiously.

Rainbow’s confident look began to waver. “It’s… guaranteed to waste practically… minutes… of her time!”

Her face fell. She glared at Twilight, fuming.

“Look, I DON’T KNOW, okay? I’ll come up with something!”

“Rainbow—”

“What’s it to ya, anyway?! I thought you ‘weren’t going to be a party to this,’ or whatever. AUGH!” She smacked herself in the forehead and ran a hoof down her face. “Where’s Pinkie when you need her?”

Twilight shook her head. “I still don’t think—”

“DID SOMEPONY SAY PARTY?”

“AHH!”

Rainbow and Twilight both yelped and fell over backwards when none other than Pinkie Pie herself popped up between them! They hit the ground hard on their rumps.

“Hi guys!” Pinkie said.

Twilight stared up at her, her mouth dangling. She blinked, rubbed her eyes, blinked again, and stared up some more, unable to come to grips with the fact that Pinkie was suddenly in front of her.

Rainbow was the first to find her voice. “Whoa! Pinkie? Is that you?”

“Of course! Who else would it be?”

Now Twilight chimed in, “But… you weren’t here a second ago! Where did you come from? What are you doing here?”

Pinkie’s grin grew three sizes larger. “Oh, Twilight, you’re so silly. I’m the main special guest star for this chapter!”

“What?”

“I said, I was on the train looking for the snack bar! This morning, I was in Ponyville shopping for a vacuum cleaner I could use to suck the spiders out of Gummy’s wig collection when I noticed the Friendship Express was running a half-price special on tickets to Vanhoover! So I figured, what the hay? It’s been over eight hours since I went on a totally pointless train ride anywhere, so it’s not like my doctor’s gonna mind! And besides, the snack bar on the Friendship Express has this super great deal on all-you-can-eat popovers that’s just amazing!”

“Pinkie Pie—”

“So there I was, licking my chops, waiting on my thirty-eighth plate of popovers when the whistle goes WOOOOO-WOOOOO and the train comes chug-a-wug-a-wugging into Canterlot! Then the conductor walked in, and the hostess ran over and started talking to him, and at first, I didn’t think there was anything weird about that, but the whole time, she kept stealing glances over at me and making these frantic hoof gestures, and I’m pretty sure I lip-read her say something about ‘eating us out of business,’ but that can’t be true, right? You both know I would never go popoverboard!”

“Pinkie Pie—”

“Then the conductor walked past, whistling in a totally-not-suspicious way, and I tugged on his pant leg and said, ‘Hey, aren’t we supposed to be in Vanhoover?’ and he was all like, ‘Yeah, don’t worry, this is just a routine stop on the way!’ and I kinda shrugged and accepted that, and I went back to my popovers. But a minute later, there was this really loud KA-CLUNK, and I realized they’d unhitched the snack bar car from the rest of the train! Can you believe that? They totally forgot I was in there and left me behind on accident! What an oopsie!”

“PINKIE PIE!” Twilight yelled.

“So then I was like, ‘Oh no! Now I’m stuck in Canterlot with no place to go! What am I gonna do?’ But then I remembered, Dashie and Twilight are here! They’ll totally let me crash on their couch! So here I am! And boy oh boy, did I mention how FANTASTIC it is to see you guys again?! I’ve missed you both sooooo much!”

The earth pony’s hooves stretched out freakishly long, and she pulled them both in for a big bear hug. Every element of Twilight’s rational mind was still at war with this explanation, but as her cheek pressed up against Pinkie’s, she couldn’t help but give in to a twinge of a smile. “It’s… good to see you too, Pinkie.”

“This is GREAT!” Rainbow beamed. “You’re just who I need to turn the tables against Luna!”

“Ooh! I love tables!” Pinkie said. “Picnic or Poker? Bedside or Billiards? Come on, gimme the scoop!”

“Look alive, Pinkie, there’s a prank war underway! And it… uh… isn’t going well so far.” Rainbow paused and rubbed her chin. “Maybe I oughta take a step back. We might just be able to pull off an upset if I let you annex control of the operation for a while.”

Twilight clenched her teeth. “That’s not the correct usage of—”

“Oh, that sounds super fun! I love coming up with pranks!” said Pinkie. “What’s the situation? Give me all the juicy details!”

“Well, y’see, it’s like this…”

Rainbow wrapped a hoof around her newfound partner in crime and started whispering with her in hushed tones, filling her in with a (biased) account of recent events. Recusing herself from the effort of correcting all the factual inaccuracies, Twilight rolled her eyes and followed the two of them out the room.

---

Pinkie Pie’s arrival passed without too much ado. By now, most ponies were used to her antics—princesses included—and so nopony batted an eyelid when she came skipping into the dining room ahead of Twilight and Rainbow that evening.

Celestia’s reaction was characteristically magnanimous. “You’re more than welcome to stay the weekend here, of course!” she said with a warm, peaceful smile. “Canterlot Castle is always open to you, your friends, and your family.”

“Yay! Thanks, Princess C!”

“It’s an honor and a privilege to meet you again, Pinkie Pie,” Luna said, no less graciously. “Although…”

She looked slyly at Rainbow Dash.

“You should know, rallying more troops to your side won’t save you.”

“Yeah?” Rainbow fired back. “Well—!”

Before she could get another word in, Pinkie jumped up onto the table, scampered overtop the flatware, and scalded Luna with a fiery, eye-to-eye glare. Luna recoiled in surprise, and Twilight could only reach out in vain and cry, “Pinkie Pie!”

“So YOU’RE the one who challenged Dashie to a prank-off!” Pinkie said, and Luna was trapped in her frosty blue gaze.

A few seconds went by. The accusation hung in the air.

Then, with all the advance warning of a buffalo stampede in downtown Cloudsdale, her demeanor totally flipped. Pinkie brightened, she grinned, she stuck out her hoof and said, “It’s super amazing to see you again, Luna! How ya been?”

“I’ve been well, thank you!” Luna said with a grateful smile.

The alicorn’s shrewd eyes flickered down. Then she looked back up at Pinkie, and her lips drew into a smirk.

“I’m afraid, though, if you’d like to shake hooves, you’ll have to take off that shock buzzer first. I’m not a fool, after all.”

Pinkie’s face fell. With barely-concealed disappointment, she glanced down at the silver-colored metal disc strapped to her hoof.

“You’re good. You’re reeeeeal good,” she said. Then she retreated back to her chair, pouting.

“Nice try,” Rainbow leaned over and whispered to her.

Pinkie grimaced. “She’s good. She’s reeeeeal good.”

“I know. I heard you the first time.”

“After-dinner prankstorming session?”

“You know it!”

Twilight just sighed and shook her head.

An hour later, after Domo showed Pinkie to her guest suite, and after Rainbow nicked Twilight’s roll-around chalkboard from the room across the hall, the two conspirators stood quite literally in front of the drawing board, plotting and planning the night away.

“Whoopee cushion?” Pinkie suggested.

Rainbow waved off the idea. “Too small-time.”

“Chinese finger trap?”

“What’s a finger?”

“Snake nut can?”

“Seriously, you’re gonna have to start explaining some of these to me,” Rainbow said, brow furrowed. “I know I’ve been out of the game for a few weeks now, but what the hay is a snake nut can?”

“Oh, Dashie, don’t be silly. You know what a snake nut can is!”

“I do?”

“Yepperooni! It’s a can of nuts, only without any nuts in it, because you poured them all out and replaced them with a bunch of fake, spring-loaded snakes! Then you leave the can out, an unsuspecting pony comes up on it, they open it, and KABLOOEY! Snakes everywhere!”

To illustrate, Pinkie took the chalk in her mouth and drew a stick pony with a bunch of squiggly lines attacking it.

“Ohhhhh,” Rainbow said. “That prank has a name?”

“I already told you, it’s called the snake nut can! Snake nut can! Snake nut can! C’mon, say it with me. It’s super fun!”

“Pretty sure the snake nut can isn’t gonna cut it, Pinkie,” said Rainbow. “Luna’s not gonna fall for something that obvious.”

“But the snake nut can is an age-old terror!”

“Yeah, but so is Luna!”

“…Good point!”

They looked at each other, a twin pair of grins twitching at the corners of their lips—and they both burst out laughing. Pinkie’s snorts and giggles filled the room, matched by Rainbow’s guffaws.

After a short while, they settled back down, and Rainbow’s belly laughs faded to a happy sigh. She lolled back in her beanbag chair and stared up at the ceiling fan as it spun around lethargically, the interplay between the lights and the blades casting slow-moving shadows against the stucco. Her wings sprawled out comfortably at her sides as she let her eyes close, and she breathed, and she smiled.

And for the first time in a long time, she was content.

“…Hey, Pinkie?” she said at length.

“What is it, Dashie?”

“I’m… really glad you’re here.”

Her voice wavered, and she felt a lump form in the back of her throat. And she was confused, because she didn’t know why, at first—why, when they’d both just been laughing…

Pinkie smiled again. Not her usual smile, this time, but a small, somber smile mixed with a pain all its own. “I’m glad I’m here too.”

“It… hasn’t been an easy couple weeks,” Rainbow said. Another tremor rolled through her voice, and now her eyes were stinging too, and she had the thought to stop—to keep from saying anything else, for fear of sounding uncool—but she went on, anyway, “I… I just want you to know how… how glad I am, that—”

Pinkie wrapped her in a great, big hug. “Oh, Dashie, you don’t have to explain anything. I understand.”

“Y-You do?” Rainbow asked, half-muffled by her mane.

Pinkie let go the embrace. And now it was plain for Rainbow to see—her friend’s eyes were shimmering, too.

“We all do,” Pinkie said, assuredly. “I do, and so does Applejack, and so does Fluttershy, and so does Rarity. We all understand how hard this has been on you. It’s been hard on us too, not having you and Twilight around. But at the end of the day, we’re all still friends, right? And we’ll always be friends, no matter what.”

Rainbow rubbed her eyes off on her forehoof. “Heh. Thanks,” she said, mustering a weak grin. “I… think I’ve needed this for a while now.”

“De nada, mi amiga!”

“And anyway…” Rainbow kicked out her hooves and sat bolt upright, a wicked plan brewing on her face. “…I just came up with an awesome idea for a prank!”

“Oh?” Pinkie’s ears perked up. “Do tell!”

“You were on the right track with the shock buzzer, but we’ve gotta go bigger than that, you know? No mom-and-pop baby’s pranks. None of that itching powder, stink bomb, ink-on-the-telescope lameness, I’m talking a full-bore, all-out, stalls-to-the-wall mega prank!”

“Wowie! I’m so excited!”

Rainbow jumped up, wrapped a hoof around Pinkie, and pulled her in close. “So here’s the plan. Over the last few weeks, I’ve noticed Luna always has a slice of vanilla cloud cake delivered to her room every night around ten o’clock. And I just so happen to have a liiiiittle piece of cumulonimbus stashed away for a rainy day…”

---

“Go easy on them, won’t you?”

Luna looked up. “Why, whatever do you mean, dear sister?”

“You know precisely what I mean. No earth pony could hope to hold a candle to your talents, though that particular one might come closer than most. Neither can Aurora, for that matter. Even if she weren’t a newcomer to all things magical, she could study and train for the next fifty years and still not match your artifice.”

“I did warn her of that before she threw down the gauntlet. You should know. You were there, weren’t you?”

“Be that as it may, I hope you’ll keep the disparity in mind and refrain from responding too disproportionately,” Celestia said with a frown. “Fun and games are all well and good, but do act responsibly, and try not to take it too far.”

Knock. Knock. “ROOM SERVICE!”

Luna quirked an eyebrow. “What, is this a hotel all the sudden?”

“Enter!” shouted Celestia.

The door opened. “Now, see here, Tia, this is very unfair,” said Luna—neither she nor her sister paid a sliver of notice to the pair of ponies, one pink and the other blue, who slipped into the room wearing chef’s whites and big, bushy mustaches, pushing a wheeled serving cart—“You ought to know me better than that.”

“Should I?”

“Yes! When have I ever taken things too far?”

The two ‘servants’ parked the cart by the bed before stealing back out of the room, quietly snickering.

Celestia’s voice was deadpan. “Well, there was that one occasion when we were foals and you chased me around the mountainside, lobbing rocks at me—“

“We agreed never to speak of that again,” Luna hissed. “And that wasn’t my fault. That was your fault for not dodging.”

“Don’t pretend like you were the victim. I was without magic for three months.”

“I was grounded for six months!”

“Be that as it may—”

“Oh, ‘be that as it may’ my hoof!”

“Be that as it may, I expect you to exercise some self-restraint.”

Celestia reached out to the serving cart with her magic. On top of it was a silver platter with a domed lid, and under the lid was a delicious-looking slice of vanilla cloud cake, which floated over to her from across the room in her shimmering golden aura.

Luna turned up her nose. “Please. Have a little faith in me.”

“I do have faith in you, which is why I haven’t obstructed your efforts,” Celestia said. She speared a bite of cake on her fork and raised it to her lips. It floated in front of her, fluffy and enticing.

“I have to say, I’m feeling a little singled out here,” Luna offered in her own defense. “Have you asked them not to go too far? Or am I the only one you trust so little?”

Celestia chuckled. “What, are you worried they might jump out at you wearing scary masks? They’re an earth pony and a former pegasus. I don’t think you have much to worry about. In fact, I’d be embarrassed if they got the drop on you.”

She popped the cake into her mouth.

KRA-CRACK!

A thunderclap rang out, there was a flash of light, a hail of sparks, and a shockwave so potent, it sent Luna reeling. She staggered back, shielding her eyes against the burst, shaking and shuddering along with the rest of her tower. And when the dust cleared—

When the dust cleared, there was Celestia, wide-eyed and soot-faced, and miraculously still standing in the center of the giant scorch mark that was ground zero. Her mane had given up on billowing to stand on end in electrified spikes, charred at the tips; she opened her mouth and the fork fell out, along with some smoke and a feeble-sounding, “Puh…”

Luna’s face flushed with anger. She stalked over to what was left of the cake and levitated a glob of it up to her eye for inspection. A growl rose in her throat. “Why, those little…!”

“Wh… What hap…?”

“Look! Pure thunderhead!” Luna held up the morsel, stormy gray and crackling with tiny tendrils of electricity beneath the vanilla frosting. “How dare they try to trick me with such an obvious ploy! What kind of idiot do they take me for?”

“Unnnnnggggghhhhh…”

“Oh! I’m so sorry, Tia. I forgot. How are you feeling?” Luna’s lips curled upward with sweet, sweet schadenfreude. “Not too embarrassed, I hope?”

“…Luna?”

“Yes?”

“…I wish you the best of luck in the wars to come.”

With that, Celestia spun on her hoof, strode onto the balcony, and flew off and away without another word. Luna stood and watched her go only briefly before she turned to the task of exacting vengeance.

---

Rainbow Dash had a nice home, Luna decided as she helped herself in the front door. High ceilings, spacious interiors, and it was probably quite well-lit in the daytime. Why, the stairs didn’t even creak as she stealthily made her way to the second floor… Though of course, she always had been something of a light-hoof.

Soon, she was at the foot of Rainbow’s bed, and the sky-blue filly was sprawled in front of her, snoring loudly.

Obliviously.

Vulnerably.

A vengeful glee crept across the lunar princess’s face. “I’ve got you in my web this time. Surprise!”

Alas, Rainbow was too preoccupied sawing logs to be able to hear her. She only rolled over and hugged a pillow to her chest.

“Multichromatic muffiiiiins…” she murmured in her sleep with a sweet little smile. “Fastest muffins in Equestriaaa…”

Then a cobalt glow lit Luna’s horn, and that sweet little smile turned to ash on Rainbow’s face.

Luna tried her best not to laugh. Her night’s work complete, she spun and left the filly to her fate.

She stowed a haughty grin on her way out, though she did allow herself one last, appreciative look around the cloud house before gliding silently into the night.

It really was a splendid home.

---

Rainbow Dash woke up, bloodshot and bleary-eyed, to the sound of an alarm clock going off.

She didn’t realize it was an alarm clock at first, though. Which was quite understandable, actually, because it didn’t sound anything like a regular alarm clock. It sounded like somepony blowing on a party favor, again and again and again and again and again…

Her first instinct was to squeeze her eyes shut and try to ignore it. “Cut it out, Pinkie,” she groaned, rolling over.

But the noise didn’t cut out. It kept on going. Over and over, like some kind of demented kazoo. And it almost seemed to get closer… get louder… until she could swear it was right next to—

The party favor went off again. This time, it tickled her inside her ear, and she bolted upright in bed.

“GYAH!”

Her hoof swung out defensively and knocked the thing onto the floor. It hit the ground with a TWANG!, and the trill of the party favor died slowly, mournfully down.

Rainbow took a gander over the side of the bed, and only now did she see it for what it was. A totally-normal wind-up alarm clock, except with a little porcelain pony on top in place of the usual ring-a-ding bells. A paper noisemaker was clutched in the figurine’s lips, gradually coiling up as the air drained out of it.

She stared at it, bewildered. “What the hay?”

She blinked a few times.

Rubbed her eyes.

And only then did she notice her surroundings.

The streamers.

The confetti.

The strawberry frosting windows. The candy cane columns.

The balloons on the quilted bedcovers.

The pictures. The victrola. The table, where she could still remember getting into it with a pile of rocks some months ago, to say nothing of the bucket of turnips or the sack of flour.

And as she shucked the covers to get up and out of bed, she finally took notice of the color of her own hooves and body. Not the sky blue she had known all her life, but sickly-sweet bubblegum pink.

The mirror told her everything else she needed to know.

And as the sun rose on Sugarcube Corner in Ponyville, an ear-splitting scream shredded the air:

“LUUUUUUUUUUNAAAAAAAAAA!”

---

“Are you sure you’re all right, Pinkie Pie?” Mrs. Cake asked.

“I already told you, I’m NOT Pinkie Pie! And no, I am NOT all right!”

“Satchmo,” said Mr. Cake.

Mrs. Cake smiled at him. “Yes, dear.”

“ARGH!”

Rainbow stomped the floor in red-hot anger. A shock of cotton candy mane drooped down between her eyes, and she batted it furiously out of the way.

“Pinkie, dear,” Mrs. Cake spoke again, “I know it’s short notice, but I’m afraid we have some errands we need to run. Would you mind tending the bakery while we’re gone? Oh, and do be sure to keep an eye on Pound and Pumpkin. You know how rambunctious they can be.”

“I’M NOT PINKIE PIE!”

“Satchmo,” said Mr. Cake.

Mrs. Cake furrowed her brow. “You look like Pinkie Pie to me.”

“I KNOW I LOOK LIKE PINKIE PIE!”

“You even sound like Pinkie Pie!”

“I DO NOT. I’M CLEARLY PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW. SINCE WHEN DOES PINKIE GET PISSED OFF?”

“Satchmo,” said Mr. Cake.

Rainbow grabbed him by his stupid-looking bow tie. “WHY THE BUCK DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?”

“Well, if that’s all, I think we’ll be off,” Mrs. Cake said with a smile. “Try not to throw too many parties while we’re gone! Toodles!”

And with that, the two of them vanished into thin air.

Rainbow fell forward into the empty space where Mr. Cake had been, her hooves suddenly without purchase. “Oof!” she grunted as she smacked face-first into the floor.

She got up unsteadily.

Then she looked around. Also unsteadily.

“What the HAY? Where did they GO? …Okay, fun and games are over. Think, Rainbow Dash. Think!”

She bit her lip as she paced the floor.

“This totally isn’t the weirdest thing to ever happen to me. Nope nope nope! Totally not the weirdest thing.”

She drew to a stop in front of the full-length mirror. Pinkie Pie’s body reflected back at her—sapphire eyes, raspberry mane, three-balloon cutie mark, and worst of all…

“No wings,” she muttered. “Can’t fly. Can’t fly. No wings.”

Rainbow shuffled anxiously on her hooves.

“…And everypony keeps on calling me Pinkie Pie, no matter what I try and tell ’em…”

“What’s in a name?” came a rasping, ponderous voice from behind her. “That which we call an alligator by any other name would be as fierce.”

Rainbow whirled around. “Who’s there?”

“But what of the poor reptile who has no teeth? His mouth as barren as his hopes, his dreams and incisors forever plucked. Doomed to a life edentate, never again to chomp, to his undying shame. Is it simply his lot in life to be whisked away toward a biteless, unfulfilling future, forever christened with the badge of his own dishonor? Or should he paddle against the tides of fate, even in the face of unquestionable futility?”

Rainbow could only stare, slack-jawed, at the toothless alligator on the nightstand. “Whoa, hold up a minute! You can talk?”

She held her breath for another response.

Gummy just looked up at her glassily and licked his own eyeball.

Just then, there came a loud—

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Commotion—

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

From outside the window—

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

And she threw open the shutters in time to see fifty simultaneous sonic rainbooms shatter the crystal-clear sky—

KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM!

She stuck her head outside. A rainbow contrail was zooming down the streets, weaving in and out of the buildings and cottages, pulling off a new sonic rainboom every ten feet. And at the head of the contrail, she caught sight of a magenta pair of eyes and a daredevil grin—

“THAT’S MY BODY!”

By the time Rainbow’s brain got around to contemplating the hazards of a wingless three-story drop, she’d already jumped out the window and was whistling through the air.

Thankfully, years and years of experience had taught her how to hit a moving target. Her aim was true: she tackled the doppelganger out of the air, and they both went somersaulting into a bed of shrubs. Rainbow was back up on her hooves in an instant, a fire raging in her eyes as she pressed her nose against her twin’s beneath her. “All right, body-snatcher, I wanna know WHO YOU ARE!”

But the doppelganger just looked up and giggled. “Hiya, Dashie!”

“…Pinkie?” Rainbow’s jaw dropped.

“Aw, no fair! You figured me out already! I was trying extra-hard to be triple-awesome, too! I’ll bet it was the shades, wasn’t it?”

“Huh?”

“The shades!” On cue, Pinkie jumped up and pulled an all-too-familiar pair of sunglasses from out of nowhere. “If I’d remembered to wear these babies, I coulda been quadruple-awesome with a double-scoop of cool and radical sprinkles on top!”

“Pinkie, what the hay is going on?”

“Beats me! But if I had to take a guess, I’d say we’re actually both asleep in bed right now, and Princess Luna just used super-crazy dream magic to trick us into thinking we swapped places with each other.”

“…She can do that?”

“Heck if I know!”

Pinkie cracked up in another fit of giggles, and Rainbow made a face at the sight. As cool as it might have been to bask in the presence of her own amazingness, it was really wigging her out to see that kind of totally-lame body language come out of her own body.

“Great. So how long are we stuck like this for?” she wondered, looking purposefully away.

“Oh, probably not much longer. Time always goes by fast when you’re asleep, after all!”

“Feh… Well, I guess we oughta make the most of it.”

Rainbow tapped her chin as she mulled on her thoughts. If she’d been able to, she probably would have taken to the air to burn off some nervous energy, but since that was off the table, she began to pace instead.

“Actually, this could end up being a good thing. The way I see it, we can totally use this time to our advantage to plan a majorly-awesome revenge prank! Something Luna will never see coming…”

“Revenge prank? Ha!” Pinkie tipped the shades over her eyes. “Nuts to that. I’m going flying!”

“What?!”

“Heck yeah! This is great!” said Pinkie, launching off the ground into a wide-grinned corkscrew. “Flying’s super-duper fun, and did you see how many sonic rainbooms I managed to do in a row back there? It was all like KABOOM-KABOOM-KABOOM-KABOOM-KABOOM!”

Rainbow watched her with clenched teeth. “And just what the hay am I supposed to do in the meantime? Go dream-babysit some dream-foals for the dream-Cakes?”

“Ooh, have fun with that! The dream-twins can be a dream-handful!”

“Why am I stuck doing your dream-chores while you get to go out and have dream-fun? That’s not fair!”

“Aw, I’m sorry, Dashie.” Pinkie drifted back down to earth, though she didn’t land. The bottoms of her hooves scraped the tall grass as she looked down from her vantage, meeting Rainbow with a smile. “You know I would never leave you hanging! I’ll pitch in and lend a hoof.”

Rainbow’s expression softened. “You will?”

“Sure I will… In your dreams!”

Pinkie’s wings gave out, and she collapsed to the ground, giggling and holding her belly.

Rainbow turned and hid her face behind a strawberry-pink hoof. “Ugh. You’re being me all wrong, you know.”

“You’re right!” Pinkie said breathlessly in-between guffaws. “I should probably work in a mid-morning cloud nap while I’m at it. Then I’ll get the real Rainbow Dash experience!”

“I mean it! I protest! This is not an accurate representation of what it’s like to be the Dash!”

“Really? I thought I was doing pretty good.” Pinkie rolled over onto her elbows and smirked up at Rainbow, a playful glint in her eye. “The shades, the naps, the sonic rainbooms. What did I forget?”

A guardpony’s head burst out of a nearby flowerpot. Pinkie jumped up in surprise. “Huh—?”

“Princess Aurora!” shouted the guard, a daisy bobbing on his noggin as clumps of dirt slipped down his brow. “Thank goodness you’re here. We’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“Princess Aurora!” came another cry, and Pinkie spun around in time to see a second guard pop out of a bush.

“Princess Aurora!” said a third guard, rappelling down from the frosted roof of Sugarcube Corner.

“Princess Aurora!” The manhole cover edged open, and a fourth guard looked out, a pair of eyes twinkling in the dark.

“PRINCESS AURORA!” Up and down the street, the shuttered windows flew open, and three dozen more guards all poured out, rushing at Pinkie with a singular purpose—

Pinkie screamed, “AIIIIIEEEEE!” and bolted up into the air. The guards surged after her, undeterred, and soon the sky was filled with whole flocks of them, a hundred white pairs of wings giving chase to a rainbow-colored mach cone.

Rainbow rolled her shoulders, stretched, and flopped down cheerfully on the grass. Her hooves tucked leisurely behind her head as she lay back and watched the action.

“Hey, this might end up being a relaxing night’s sleep after all!”

---

Rainbow Dash had a dirty look and a reluctant smile for Luna at breakfast the next morning. The dirty look because she knew she’d got got, and got got good. The smile because in spite of that, it had actually been a pretty awesome prank.

“Pleasant dreams?” Luna asked sweetly over a plate of eggs and a slice of buttered toast.

“More like totally AMAZINGTASTIC dreams!” Pinkie Pie all but gushed. “I’ve never done so many sonic rainbooms before in my LIFE! Well, I mean, technically, I’ve never done any sonic rainbooms before in my life… at least not until last night! WOWIE! That was sooooo cool! Hey, maybe you should beat Rainbow Dash at pranks more often, Princess Lu—”

Rainbow stuck a hoof in the earth pony’s mouth.

“Ha! Don’t go breaking open the cider just yet!” she taunted. “You’ll be singing a different tune once I get even with you!”

Luna met her with a smirk. “Is that so?”

“Psh. Try harder. Your mind games don’t work on me,” Rainbow said, not at all convincingly.

“Well, we’ll just have to see which one of us prevails, won’t we?” Luna took a dainty sip of her coffee. “I must say, though, those are some pretty formidable words for somepony who’s oh-and-two.”

Rainbow didn’t have any rebuttal for that. She crossed her hooves and sunk into her seat. Stupid Luna, acting like such a hotshot… If she thought she was gonna win, she had another thing coming.

“Hey, Pinkie,” Rainbow whispered privately behind her hoof.

“Yeah, Dashie?”

Luna’s ears pricked up.

“Prankstorming session at my place. Twelve noon. Don’t be late.”

“Okie dokie lokie!”

Grudgingly, Rainbow poked a fork into her breakfast. Stupid Luna.

“Stupid Luna… Stupid Luna… Stupid Luna…”

The sun was near its zenith in the overcast sky, glaring down through occasional gaps in the steel-gray cloud cover. Rainbow was glaring, too, as she winged it over the East Garden on her way to meet up with Pinkie Pie. She glanced down as she flew, halfway-hoping to see the Caretaker there, troweling away in his garden, as he so often did at this time of day. She’d known him long enough to trust his wisdom and his uncanny knowledge about most things, and she’d given more than a little thought to enlisting him as an ally in the war.

He wasn’t around today, though. She bit back her disappointment.

Oh well. It didn’t matter. She and Pinkie had more than enough tricks up their sleeve to take down a rookie like Luna. With both of them putting their heads together, they were sure to get the upper hoof, and then they’d be ready for anything!

Rainbow wasn’t ready to see a batpony guard hoisting Luna’s banner on a flagpole in front of her home. Full of anger, she skittered to a halt on the front yard and seized him by the collar. “What are you DOING?”

“R-R-Rainbow Dash!” the guard choked out.

“Two points for finally getting the name right, minus a thousand points for WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY HOUSE?”

Her nostrils flared as she looked past the guard and spied another pair of stiff-jointed batponies standing guard on either side of her front door… and another pair, conducting surveillance from the veranda… and another pair, patrolling the roof…

“W-Well…” the guard stammered, “I’m afraid you house has been…”

“What?”

“Annexed,” said the guard.

Rainbow’s face screwed up with rage. “WHAT?!”

The guard nodded meekly. “By order of Princess Luna, your house has been formally annexed for the next twelve hours. She said—”

“WHAT did she say?” Rainbow demanded, raising a hoof.

“She said it was just so splendid, she couldn’t resist!”

Rainbow stared at him incredulously. Then she shoved him away with a snarl, turned, and shouted in the direction of Luna’s tower, “THIS ISN’T OVER YET! I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS!”

Someplace far away, Luna cackled.

---

Thwack. Thwack. THWACK!

Rainbow’s hoof connected with the plush cockroach—hard. Lumps of stuffing sputtered out of it as it flew back, then rebounded, swinging by its neck on a rope noose.

Over on the beanbag chair, Pinkie was racking her brain for ideas. She tapped her head a few times. “We could… inject her morning donuts with toothpaste!” she said.

“She doesn’t. Eat. Donuts.”

THWACK! went Rainbow’s hoof against the plush toy again, sending it into a twirl. She reached out to steady it.

Pinkie looked horror-struck. “She doesn’t eat donuts? Who doesn’t eat donuts? Everypony eats donuts!”

“Luna doesn’t. At least, I ain’t ever seen her eat any. For all I know, she doesn’t even know what donuts are.”

“Impossible!” Pinkie clutched her head in her hooves, frantically. “How can anypony not know about donuts?”

“I dunno. Luna’s, like, a thousand years old or somethin’. Were donuts even invented yet a thousand years ago?” Thwack. Thwack. “And anyway, she spent most of that time on the moon, didn’t she? Could be wrong, but I don’t think they got a lot of donut shops up there.”

“That’s awful! Poor Luna. I’m totally gonna bake her some donuts!”

Rainbow gave a snort. “Why don’t you kiss her flank while you’re at it? We’re supposed to be planning revenge, here.”

“Okay, new idea.” Pinkie leaned forward. “Biscuits.”

“Bis… cuits?”

“Yeah! If she doesn’t eat donuts, she’s gotta be scarfing down biscuits, right? That’s, like, a snooty, old-timey alternative!” Pinkie said, as if it were the most logical thing in the world.

“I don’t think—”

“So here’s the plan, Stan! We get Luna a box of biscuits. You know, as a kind of peace offering. But before we fork ’em over, get this—we take ’em all apart, we scrape off the cream filling, we replace the cream filling with toothpaste, and then we put ’em all back in the box! You see? It’s just like the donut prank, only better! Whaddaya think, Dashie? …Dashie?”

Pinkie paused and squinted at Rainbow, who had her head turned up and was looking awfully strange, all of a sudden.

“Dashie? Are you ok—”

“AHHHHH-CHOOOOO!”

Rainbow’s sneeze was so powerful, it blasted back Pinkie’s mane and nearly straightened all her curls.

As Pinkie teeter-tottered in surprise, the young alicorn reached for the wall to steady herself. For a short time, she leaned against it, sniffling, and rubbed her bleary eyes in the crook of her elbow.

“Jeeze, Pinkie,” she said, a bit unsteadily. “Your prank ideas are so bad, I think they’re actually making me sick.”

Rainbow sniffled a couple more times, for good measure. Then, audibly swallowing a throatful of snot, she got back to the task of pummeling the stuffed cockroach. Thwack. Thwack. Thwack.

Pinkie’s ears lowered. “What’s wrong with toothpaste?”

“It’s totally lame, that’s what!” Rainbow snapped. “Luna’s trumped us with dream magic and illusory insect monsters. She annexed my freaking house. There’s no way we’re gonna upstage her with—with dental hygiene cookie pranks!”

“Well, there’s always the snake nut can…”

“HYAH!” yelled Rainbow, and she took the roach’s head clean off with a spinning high kick. She turned and glared at Pinkie. “Oh, for the love of—we aren’t gonna beat her with a snake nut can, either!”

“What if we fill it really, really full of snakes?” Pinkie suggested.

“Pinkie, that is the stupidest—”

“Listen, Dashie,” said Pinkie, quite suddenly on her hooves with an arm wrapped around Rainbow’s shoulders. “I totally see where you’re coming from. If we want to win this thing, we need to hit Luna, hard… and where she least expects it.”

She arched her eyebrows meaningfully. Rainbow could only stare back at her, bewildered, and try to guess her meaning. “Her… flank?”

“No, silly. Her bedroom!”

Rainbow stared at her uncomprehendingly. “I don’t get it.”

“A pony’s bedroom is their castle,” Pinkie explained. “Their sanctuary. Their sacred, inviolable place. Their refuge. Their safe harbor. Their haven. Their hideaway. Their—”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” said Rainbow, pushing Pinkie off. “So… what? You want to prank Luna in her room, where she’ll be caught off-guard?”

“Bingo!”

“Awesome plan. Just one teensy little problem: I already thought of it! Days and days ago, back when I had the idea to steal all the toilet paper out of her bathroom.” Rainbow grimaced and rubbed her neck. “Luna keeps her bedroom door locked twenty-four seven, and I don’t think she’s gonna fall for another room service trick.”

“No great cake was ever baked without adversity!”

A puzzled look crossed Rainbow’s face. “What—?”

“What you failed to take into consideration, my dear Dashie, is that for every lock, there’s also a key!” Pinkie bounced over to the chalkboard and started to draw up a plan. “…Or in this case, two keys. One of them, kept by Princess Luna…”

“Yeah, and there’s no way we’re getting our hooves on that.”

“…and the other, in the possession of the Captain of the Royal Guard.”

Pinkie flashed a devious smile, but Rainbow just looked past her to the board, where a crude doodle of Captain Tristar sneered back at her. Drawn beside him was a floor plan, and an annotated mission brief…

“Oh, no,” said Rainbow, backing away. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…”

---

“…no, no, no, no, no, no, no—”

“Why are you still saying no? We changed scenes.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, didn’t you notice the three little dashes up there? We’re in italics now and everything.”

“Pinkie, what are you even talking about?”

“Listen up, Dashie! Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to infiltrate the private office of one Daedalus Tristar, Captain of the Royal Guard. Once you’ve penetrated security, you are to locate and recover Captain Tristar’s key ring, which will prove vital to our efforts to break into Luna’s command-and-control nexus in a follow-up mission.”

“Command and ka-what?”

“Captain Tristar’s office is on black vault lockdown. That means anypony who wants to get in has to pass through a series of security checks.”

“Black vault lockdown? Huh?”

“Black vault lockdown is super-serious stuff! There’s no room for horsing around on this mission! Now, listen. The first security check is a voice print identification, but that only gets you into the outer room. Next, you have to pass a retinal scan…”

“I’m… pretty sure you’re making this up.”

---

Pinkie Pie’s gaze was one hundred percent serious for a change. “You know the signal, right? Be sure you know the signal!”

“Caw!” said Philomena.

“That’s right. Caw! You see anypony coming, you be sure you give the signal so we can make a clean getaway. Capeesh?”

Philomena gave a wing-salute.

“I still don’t get why I have to wear this,” Rainbow complained, tugging at the fabric of her all-black catsuit.

“Oh yeah? Well, I don’t get why they call the itty-bitty candy bars ‘fun-sized!’ Wouldn’t it be funner to eat a big one?”

“…Pinkie Pie, you are so random.”

---

“The only other way into Captain Tristar’s office is through an overhead ventilation shaft, which—get this—happens to be conveniently pony-sized! Major design flaw, right?”

“Er… I guess?”

“Buuuuut there’s also a state-of-the-art laser security system built right into the duct that’ll set off an alarm if anypony crosses it.”

“You’re… uh… joking, right?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll hook you up with the reflecty-mirror thingy so you can redirect the beams and slip past. It’ll be a cinch!”

---

“Toast. Toast. Toast.”

Rainbow’s nose scrunched up as she squirmed through the metal shaft on knees and elbows. “Why do you keep saying toast?”

“I can’t help it!” Pinkie’s voice crackled over the walkie-talkie. “I really wanted toast for breakfast this morning, but the kitchen was all out! I don’t even understand that. I mean, what kind of castle runs out of bread?”

“The mission, Pinkie!”

“Right! Okay, you should be coming up on the vent that leads straight into the Captain’s office. Deploy the reflecty-mirror thingy and you’re in!”

Rainbow squinted down at the grille. “I don’t see any lasers.”

“Duh! They’re probably invisible! You can’t see a laser security grid in real life, Dashie! If you could, nopony would ever set one off!”

“Now I know you’re making this up.”

“Psh! Visible lasers!” Pinkie Pie scoffed. “Whaddaya think this is, some kinda Hollywood movie spoof? Just deploy the reflecty-mirror thingy and let’s get on with it already!”

Rainbow rolled her eyes and deployed the reflecty-mirror thingy.

“Good job,” said Pinkie. “Next, you’re gonna have to unscrew the vent. This is gonna be tricky, because—”

“’Kay, got it open.”

There was a moment’s stunned silence over the radio. “Wha-What…? But… You didn’t even use a cool gadget! And the screws are on the other side of the grate!”

“Eh. I’m kind of an expert at unscrewing vents from the wrong side.”

“…Okay, then!” said Pinkie. “Here goes nothing!”

---

Meanwhile, at the same time Rainbow and Pinkie were off a-capering, Twilight was all alone, stewing in the library. Trying hard not to grind her teeth down to nubs as she stared, infuriated, at the slow-moving hands on the old grandfather clock.

Rainbow Dash was a no-show. Again.

It was bad enough her roll-around chalkboard had gone mysteriously missing, but for her so-called pupil to blow off another magic lesson—the third time this week! …It was worse than adding insult to injury. It was… It was inexcusable!

This wasn’t a game, and it wasn’t a joke. This was serious, life-or-death knowledge the Princess had asked her to teach, and disappointing like this made her feel like the biggest failure in the world.

If only Rainbow Dash would take it seriously. If only…!

Twilight stuck around the empty reading room for far longer than she rightly should have. Finally, at three quarters past the hour, she gathered her textbooks and stormed out.

But as she went on her way, there came an oily voice from behind her. “Miss Sparkle,” it spoke, and she turned to see the Captain of the Guard in full accoutrement. “If you’d please. A moment of your time.”

---

“Okay, so there’s one teeeeensy detail I might’ve forgotten to mention up ’til this point. Captain Tristar’s office has three security systems that switch on whenever he isn’t in the room.”

“Suuuuure he does! I believe ya! Lemme guess, does he have Big Hoof for a security guard, too?”

“No, silly, he’s on vacation. Now, pay attention! The first security system is in the floor, and it’s pressure-sensitive. The slightest increase in weight will trigger it, so you’ll need to keep your hooves off the ground at all times. The second system is attuned to magic. Any levitation, spellcraft, or wizardry of any kind will trigger an immediate lockdown.”

“Shouldn’t be too hard. It’s not like Twilight’s taught me anything about magic, anyway. What’s the third system?”

“The third system is highly sensitive to country and western. For the rest of this op, I’m gonna need you to disavow all lyrics about ice cold beer, girls in tight jeans, and pickup trucks.”

“…What?!”

---

The barely-perceptible scrape of the cable against the ventilation duct was the only noise as Rainbow descended, dangling upside-down, into the white abyss of Captain Tristar’s office. Adrenaline coiled her every muscle as the floor pitched and swung, seemingly above her. Racks of iron swords and pikes hung like stalactites over her head.

“Do you have eyes on the objective?” Pinkie’s voice chirped in her ear.

Rainbow craned her neck up—or rather, down. The captain’s desk was an island of black against the pearl-colored flagstones, growing steadily in her field of view. “I see it,” she whispered back.

“SHHHHH!”

A screech of feedback lashed against Rainbow’s eardrums. She jerked in pain and just about ripped the earpiece off her head.

“No talking!” Pinkie said.

Rainbow grit her teeth. “Then why are you asking me questions?”

“No talking!”

The room was shaped like a towering lung with the ventilation shaft at the very top, and so it took some time for Pinkie to lower her down on the cable. After a minute, though, she found herself suspended horizontally in front of her objective. She paddled the air with her hooves to keep balance as her eyes scanned the desk.

“Do you see the key ring anywhere?” Pinkie asked.

Rainbow started to answer, then quickly snapped her mouth shut. She cocked her head as if to say, ‘Seriously?’

Pinkie giggle-snorted over the com. “You’re learning!” she said. “Okay, eyes on the prize! That key’s gotta be here somewhere… Time’s a-wastin’, Dashie! Commence the ransacking!”

She didn’t have a whole lot of luck, though. After silently searching for a good several minutes, taking care (as Pinkie constantly reminded her) to stay perpendicular in the air and not let her hooves touch the ground, the only things she managed to turn up were some twisted paper clips, a few rubber bands, and a rolled-up pair of orange-and-green polka-dot socks—which Rainbow looked at very strangely indeed.

She was about ready to admit defeat and pack it in when Philomena’s voice came over the line:

“CAW! CAW! CAW!”

“THE SIGNAL!” Pinkie gasped. “Somepony’s coming!”

Rainbow’s eyes bulged, her head snapped up. She heard hooves scuffing at the door, the sound of voices—

She felt the cable yank against her back, and the next thing she knew, she was shooting up and up and up, the desk and the floor whirling away beneath her. “Pinkie P-ackkk!” she gave a strangled cry as her momentum snapped her back up into the ventilation shaft.

And not a moment too soon! No sooner was out of sight than the door swung open, and into the office trotted Captain Tristar, the old blowhard himself—trailed by…

“Twilight…?” Rainbow mumbled, half in a daze, after she shook off her stupor and elbowed her way forward again, peering surreptitiously down into the room through the open vent.

Tristar carefully checked behind them, giving a sweeping look up and down the length of the empty hallway before shutting the door. The chain rattled as he hung it. The deadbolt thunked. Only then did he pay any mind to Twilight, who was standing rigidly in the middle of the room, fuming. With a flick of his hoof, he motioned her to a lone chair in front of his desk. “If you would be so kind.”

Twilight eyed him indignantly.

“Fine,” she said after a long, tense moment. She stalked over and took a seat. “I certainly hope there’s a good reason for all this.”

“Would I have asked you here if there wasn’t?”

“It’s become abundantly clear to me that you don’t need a good reason to do anything.”

Tristar gave her a wry look. Then he strode across the room and behind his desk, and Twilight thought at first that he was about to sit down across from her. He didn’t. Instead, he turned his back to her and began puttering with something on a counter against the back wall. “If I didn’t know better, I would say you didn’t like me.”

Twilight regarded him coldly. “What was your first clue?”

“It’s no concern of mine whether you do or don’t,” Tristar said, “so long as you and I are able to get along professionally.”

There was a metal-sounding jangle, and high up in the vent, Rainbow’s eyes widened to see him loop the key ring off his belt and hang it on a peg on the wall.

There it was! The mission objective! So close and yet so far!

She zeroed in on it with a laser focus, her brain working double-time to figure out how the heck she was gonna get her hooves on it. But as she puzzled over that, she became acutely aware of something else. A tickling sensation in the back of her nose.

Oh no. Not here. Not now!

She swallowed her spit. Breathed in and out through her nostrils to try and clear the old airways.

It didn’t work. The pressure just spread from her nose to her eyes and made them water.

“What’s going on?” Pinkie’s voice crackled in her ear. “Status report!”

“Pinkie, I think I’m gonna… Ahh…”

“Uh oh. Tell me you aren’t about to…”

“Ahh… Ahh…”

“Don’t do it! If you sneeze, they’ll hear you! They’ll catch you! And the Secretary will have to deny all knowledge of your actions!”

“Ahh…! Ahh…!”

“Oh, for pony’s sake! Hold on!”

Five seconds later, just as the sneeze was about to explode out, Pinkie suddenly, miraculously squeezed into the vent beside her. Rainbow didn’t have time to wonder how the earth pony had managed to squirm her way through the labyrinth of vents before a pink hoof closed over her mouth, stifling her. Mercifully, she felt the sneeze subside.

In the room beneath them, the conversation between Twilight and the Captain was playing out in angry tones.

Twilight was still incensed. “In all the time I spent here growing up as personal protégé to Princess Celestia, I never knew the Royal Guard to act so unprofessionally in all my life.”

“I’m sure you have a great many conceptions about me,” Tristar said as he clanged-and-clattered away. “Conceptions are so often the currency of bright little girls, such as yourself. Bright little girls, freshly educated and utterly convinced of themselves, looking to clothe the world in their own truths. I’ve no doubt you think ill of me and my methods. But I’m not in the business of challenging the conceptions of little girls.”

He turned on his hoof, away from the thing he’d been tinkering with—a percolator, it was now plain to see—and set a steaming cup of tea on the desk in front of Twilight.

“I’m in the business,” he said, “of keeping ponies safe and alive.”

Twilight peered up at him through her bangs with a face cut from ice. “Do you always serve your guests hot drinks to go along with the insults?” she quipped, making no move to pick up his offering. “What kind of tainted kindness is this?”

“One required by etiquette.”

Twilight’s mouth fell open in shock. For a moment, she sat in stunned, gaping silence. Then she gave a mirthless laugh, and she shook her head at the audacity. “I’m not sure how you make it through the day. It’s clear you don’t even know which hoof goes in front of the other.”

There was a wooden screech as she scooted out of her chair.

Tristar stared at her impassively. “Sit back down.”

“I think I’ve had enough hospitality, thank you.”

“You mistake me. I didn’t ask you here to trade barbs with you.”

Now he sat down himself. His silver hooves clasped together on top of the desk. And even though she was standing and he wasn’t, Twilight found, to her great annoyance, that he still looking down on her.

“This may be hard to for you to fathom,” he continued, “but all that I’ve done—all that I do—I do for the good of the Realm. If my disposition seems surly, if I refuse to grease your hoof, if I lack the patience for social niceties, then it’s only because I look at the world and see it naked and unfrocked for what it really is. I don’t swaddle myself in ignorance and call it wisdom, and I don’t waste my time pandering to the meaningless feelings of other ponies. But everything I do—” he leaned forward, “—everything I do, I do for my country, in service to Princess Celestia.”

“So do I.”

Twilight’s eyes burned with trapped fire. Their faces were mere inches apart, almost nose-to-nose over the desk.

“And believe me, I understand, it can be a thankless job. Do you think I’d be here in Canterlot right now if Princess Celestia hadn’t wished for it? Do you think I’d be wasting my time trying to teach Rainbow Dash how to use her stupid magic? Do you think I even would’ve bothered to convince her to come?”

Rainbow’s ears swiveled, her eyes grew wide. She pulled and strained to free herself from Pinkie’s iron grip, muffled complaints breaking against the metal walls of the duct. “Mmmmmfffff!”

“Every day I spend here feels like getting stabbed in the heart. And I’ve done it all for Princess Celestia, same as you! But I would never—never—sink to doing what you did. What kind of complete jerk has to take out their bitterness and frustration by—by bullying somepony they’re supposed to care about?! How awful do you have to be to mistreat somepony like that, to try to shame them and humiliate them, and not even bother to see things from their point of view, or give an ounce of thought to everything they’re going through?”

Tristar waved his hoof dismissively. “Enough. Feel free to dislike me if it gives you some smug satisfaction, but please, sit back down and hear me out. There are important matters to discuss.”

“I don’t think so,” said Twilight, matching his scowl. “I think I’ve heard all I need to hear.” And she turned and stalked away without another word, hooves clicking noisily against the floor.

She was halfway to the door when Tristar’s voice rose behind her: “Do you love your brother, Miss Sparkle?”

Twilight stopped in her tracks. Her head swung around. “What kind of question is—?!”

“Don’t take me the wrong way. I only ask because I love your brother too. Shining Armor and I have been comrades-in-arms for ten years now, and in that time, I’ve come to admire him for his discipline… his valor… his steadfastness in the line of duty.”

He paused and looked at her with absolute seriousness.

“I need your help, Miss Sparkle. Your brother needs your help.”

“…Needs my help with what?” Twilight was slow to reply.

Tristar flipped a manila folder onto the desk. Over a dozen crisp, white, typewritten documents spilled out, each one paper-clipped with a different pony’s mug shot. Despite her anger, Twilight felt her eyes drawn to them, her curiosity at war with her convictions.

Curiosity won. She turned and approached the desk again.

“Your brother’s assailants are being kept under lock and key at the 14th Precinct in Midtown, Manehattan. It’s the opinion of Sage Whitehoof that these individuals acted freely and of their own volition. That they were not bewitched, bedazzled, or beguiled by any influence of magic. I’d like you to accompany me back to the city and give me your own honest assessment about them.”

“I don’t understand,” said Twilight, using her magic to sift through the documents. “Surely you don’t doubt the facts of what happened. You were there, weren’t you?”

“Just the same, I’d like a second opinion.”

“From what I understand, Princess Luna already gave one. She looked at them just as Professor Whitehoof did, and she didn’t find a single trace of magical influence.”

“With all due respect to Princess Luna, she isn’t the foremost authority on such matters. In her day, she was the most talented mage Equestria ever knew, a master of cunning and illusion bar none, and I haven’t any doubt her sheer power could give most unicorns a run for their money even now. But her knowledge of magical theory is a thousand years out of date, and I’m concerned some of the nuances of modern spellcraft might be lost on her. There’s a chance she may have overlooked something.”

Twilight shifted uncomfortably. “I’m sure a dozen other experts must have weighed in by now. I don’t know what help I would be.”

“Give yourself some credit. You’re a genius, Twilight Sparkle. A savant and a prodigy, and the Bearer of the Element of Magic, to top it off. Nopony else in Equestria can match your level of expertise. Not your teachers, not the experts. Not even the alicorn princesses—the respectable ones, or the little gutter trash hoodlum.”

In the vent high above them, every last one of Rainbow’s blue feathers was standing on end as she squirmed, mad with rage, barely restrained by a pink pair of hooves—

Twilight seemed to swell as she soaked up Tristar’s praise, filled with an energy that had been sucked out of her these past few weeks. That last ‘gutter trash’ remark gave her pause, though. Her brows knitted together, and she hesitated. “You… really shouldn’t say things like that,” she offered weak protest. “It’s beneath your station.”

“MMMMMFFFFFFFFFFF!” Rainbow’s stifled expletives didn’t reach the unicorn’s ears.

Tristar tilted his head. “As you wish.”

“Anyway, I still don’t think I can help you. Professor Whitehoof asked me to remain at Canterlot Castle for the time being, for reasons of personal safety. He never actually… ordered me… to stay here… but just the same, I would rather not disappoint him or Princess Celestia by disobeying.”

Twilight lowered her eyes.

“And… then there’s my obligation to Rainbow Dash. I made a promise to Princess Celestia that I would help her with her magical abilities. She’s entrusted me with teaching her restorative spells, barrier spells, defenses she can rely on in the event of an emergency…”

“That’s an important task.”

Tristar chewed on his lip for a moment. Then, with a sigh, he stood up and collected the folder and papers off his desk.

“I need to be going. I asked the engineer to hold the train for two hours, and that was an hour and fifteen minutes ago… Thank you for your time. I won’t ask you to vacate your responsibilities to Princess Celestia. I would be remiss in my service to the Crown if I did.”

He gave a gracious bow of his head, and still Twilight averted her eyes, weighed down by something guilty and remorseful. As he strode past, she tried not to let her feelings spill out onto her face.

“If you’re needed here, and here is where you’ll do the most good, then here is where you should stay.” He unlocked the door and held it open for her. “Give my regards to your brother. Let him know I won’t let him down, and I’m doing everything I can to bring his attackers to justi—”

“Captain,” Twilight said.

Tristar stopped and looked at her. “Yes?”

The look on her face was full of determination. She stepped forward.

“I’m going with you.”

“Get off me! GET OFF!”

Rainbow threw off Pinkie’s hooves and shoved her away, a quivering blue mess of feathers and rage.

Pinkie looked at her friend worriedly. Thankfully, the risk of detection had passed—a few seconds ago, they’d both heard the door swing shut and Twilight and Tristar’s voices carrying down the castle corridor. Now there was only Rainbow Dash’s mental state to deal with.

“Dashie—” she said, reaching out tentatively.

Rainbow recoiled from her touch. “DON’T,” she snarled.

“Dashie, I’m sure she didn’t mean—”

“DON’T. Don’t even TRY.”

Pinkie fell quiet.

Rainbow took a moment to breathe. She elbowed her way back over to the open vent. “Let’s just grab the stupid key and get out of here.”

“Oh, right! The mission!” Pinkie remembered. “If you want, I can lower you back down—”

Rainbow reached behind her, unclamped the cable from her back, and threw it away. She flew down into the room and snatched the key ring off the wall.

“Or you can just do that,” Pinkie said.

“Let’s go.”

---

Luna’s bedroom was peaceful. Quiet.

Then the key turned in the lock.

“IN LIKE FLYNN!” Pinkie yelled, throwing open the door and striking a pose as she bounced into the middle of the room. “See? Mission successful! What’d I tell ya?”

Rainbow trudged in after her, head down. The smile wobbled and slid off Pinkie’s face.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. I’m great.”

Rainbow’s voice was hoarse. She coughed into her hoof a few times to clear her throat.

Pinkie squirmed. At least Rainbow didn’t seem mad anymore, she told herself—although scoop for sprinkle, she wasn’t sure her current funk was a whole lot better. All the anger had drained out of her and left her looking more tired and beat-down than at any time since—well, since she’d fallen off a cloud and grown a spike out of her head a month ago.

“Y’know,” Rainbow started to say—

She stopped to swallow another cough, left hoof on the door frame as she covered her mouth with her right—

“…Sorry,” she said. “I was gonna say, it was pretty nuts trying to get in here, but now that we are in, it’s preeeeetty awesome.”

“Yeah!” said Pinkie. “And check out at this full-length mirror Luna’s got over here! I think it really shows off my good side!”

“All right, time to get this show on the road. We need to put our heads together and make sure Luna doesn’t—”

Rainbow’s voice died suddenly in her throat. Pinkie took a break from making funny faces at herself to glance over, only to see her friend frozen stock-still, a livid look on her face.

“Uh… Something wrong?” she asked.

“Balcony.”

“What?”

“There’s. A. Bucking. Balcony.”

She followed Rainbow’s sightline. Sure enough, there was a wide-open arch on the other wall leading to a grand, gigantic balcony. “Oh. Huh. There sure is!”

“Why didn’t we notice that when we were in here the other night with the cart? I coulda just FLOWN us in here! ARGH!”

“Hey, it’s no big deal! It’s all about the adventure anyway, right?”

Rainbow facehoofed.

“Sooooo, now that we’ve broken about a bazillion laws and infiltrated the enemy’s lair…” Pinkie said, “…what should we do to prank Luna?”

Rainbow stared at her. Her mouth hung agape. “I thought YOU knew! You had pictures and diagrams and notes and everything!”

“Heck no! That was just my plan to get our hooves on the key ring! I’ve got no idea how we’re gonna pull one over on Luna now that we’re actually in here!”

“Well, come up with something!”

“Nope!” Pinkie flopped onto Luna’s pillows.

Rainbow continued to glare. “What do you mean, nope?”

“I mean we’re totally outmatched! No way are we gonna beat Luna by ourselves. No way, no how! She’s gonna see straight through any prank we throw at her, and even if we manage to sneak one by, she’s gonna make us pay for it with a prank of her own that’s a million times better and cooler than anything we can do without magic!”

“So what? You’re saying you’re just giving up? After all of that?!”

“I’m saying I’m out of ideas. The ball’s in your court now, Dashie!”

Rainbow groaned. She sank to the floor and nursed her head, adrift in her thoughts.

---

“You.”

The scratching of the quill ceased as Celestia looked up from the scroll-bound ledger. She raised her eyebrows. “Good evening, but it’s rather late for you to stop by, isn’t it?”

“I thought you said your door was always open. What’s the matter? Got something better you could be doing than to talk to me?”

The quill plonked into the inkwell.

“Not at all,” Celestia said. “And my door is always open to you, now and always. What can I do for you?”

“Help destroy Luna.”

“Help destroy—” Celestia almost parroted the sentence. She forced an uneasy smile. “I don’t think I can do that for you.”

“Fine. Next best thing. Help me prank her back.”

A moment’s hesitation. “I… don’t think I can do that for you either,” she said regretfully.

“Seriously? I thought you were supposed to be the Princess of the Sun, not the Princess of No Fun.”

“I would rather avoid becoming involved in—”

“This whole time, all I’ve needed is a little magic in my corner! I’ve said that from day one! If Twilight had come through for me instead of wimping out like she always does, I coulda beat Luna forever ago!”

Something sad was nipping at Celestia’s conscience. She held her gaze, though she might’ve rather looked away—but she had a hard time closing her ears to the plea that came next:

“Look. Maybe this whole prank war thing is stupid, foalish, immature… Maybe it’s not important to you. Maybe it’s not important to anypony. But it’s important to me.”

“Rainbow Dash…”

“Come on. Are you gonna be there for me, or not?”

Celestia felt a beseeching pair of eyes on her. Her throat constricted.

---

Luna hated the new moon with a passion. It was her least favorite part of the month.

She knew it was shallow of her. She knew thematically, the new moon was supposed to represent renewal, second chances, and a new beginning to old things, and that probably should have appealed to her on some level of her personality. But mostly she just wished ponies on the ground could look up and see the damn thing.

As the night enveloped her and the navy-blue aura faded from the tip of her horn, she tossed her head from side to side, letting out a little groan as she listened to the vertebrae crack. Tia didn’t have to put up with such ignominy. In fact, if the sun were invisible for one week out of every four, Luna was fairly certain her sister would have filed a grievance against the universe a millennium ago.

Still, she thought, as she opened up her wings and kicked off the silver cloud with her rear hooves—what a long, strange month it had been since the last time she had looked up in the sky and not seen her moon. What a long, strange, wretched month. And brutal. And savage. And filled with so much heartache.

And for her own part, so much regret.

She sighed.

Yet for being so awful, it had its welcome surprises too. A small smile played on her lips. Of all the things she might’ve expected to come home to after a thousand years of cold, loveless exile, a niece was certainly not one of them. And an alicorn! Never was the day she thought she’d see another alicorn, other than her sister.

A new beginning to old things, indeed.

Her tower stood beckoning below her. Luna glided down and thought of Celestia, more apprehensive and unsure of herself than she could ever remember seeing her before.

There had to be some good at the end of this. Some light to come after so much darkness. The past was still so painful, and she and her sister still breathed it every day. She didn’t know where this situation with Rainbow Dash would lead, or if it wouldn’t all still fall apart and leave them clinging to the wreckage.

She hoped it wouldn’t. They both deserved so much more: Celestia and Rainbow Dash. And besides—

Something on the balcony caught Luna’s eye, sitting half in the yellow light that poured from her bedroom and half in shadow. Something small, but noticeably out of place.

—And besides, she was rather coming to enjoy being an aunt. Canterlot Castle felt so much more like a home when it was filled with talking and laughter instead of the silence she’d come to know it for. And she was developing a real fondness for Rainbow Dash, the young daredevil—even if her pranks were terribly lackluster.

She landed gracefully, trotted over to the odd thing on the ground, and nudged it with her hoof.

“What’s this?” she wondered, frowning. “A… can of… nuts?”

In the days, weeks, and months to follow, Luna would look back on this moment and wonder how a thirty-foot-tall two-headed hydra managed to squeeze through the opening of that tiny little can.

ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAORRRRRGHHHHH!

“GUAAAAARDS!” she screamed.

WHUMP! The monster’s gargantuan tail came down where she’d been not a second before, turning her bed into splinters. She dodged out of the way by the skin of her teeth, all four hooves sliding. Then the tail swept at her sideways and caught her in the ribs. “AUGH!”

She felt the air leave her lungs and her feet leave the floor, stuck to the scaled appendage like a pancake on a swinging baseball bat. Braying with rage, the hydra whipped her around the room in a full circle, sending her crashing through every piece of furniture in its wake before it lobbed her full-body into a bookcase. A hundred ancient tomes fall off the shelves and buried her. Her wide-eyed head stuck up out of the pile. “GUAAAAARDS!” she screamed again.

Nopony answered. Nopony came.

Her mind raced. That didn’t make any sense! There should have been a dozen guards in her to defend her by now! Unless…

She grit her teeth.

A silencing spell cast upon her room? The guards deliberately posted elsewhere, their schedules reshuffled? By some manner of subterfuge, she was left to face this creature alone by herself. It was a trick. A prank. The hydra punched her in the face.

She landed back out on the balcony in a bruised, crumpled pile. Groaning, she staggered to her hooves. “RAINBOW DASH! I KNOW THIS IS YOUR DOING!” she yelled.

It was the cockroach all over again, she realized. Hmph. No originality! Just a mirage and nothing more.

She did a scan of it, and the smirk dropped off her face. There wasn’t a trace of magic that she could detect anywhere about the creature. As far as she could tell, it was real. Flesh and blood.

ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAORRRRRGHHHHH!

Both heads lunged at her, crazed jaws snapping wildly. Luna narrowly skirted back out of their reach, panic nipping at her as she scraped together a shield spell. The gossamer blue barrier sparked to life in the nick of time: the hydra, already mid-strike, let out a screech of pain and fury as its heads bounced off the winking force field. It snarled, all four eyes glaring at her with murderous intent.

This was madness! She had to get it out of here. It was going to destroy half the castle if she didn’t!

Her back up against the edge of the balcony, she looked desperately to the sky, searching for her celestial body—CURSE THE NEW MOON! Where was it?—Ah, there it was! Her horn lit, she prayed and held her breath—

A portal swirled into existence directly underneath the hydra, twisting like a whirlpool. Down into it, the creature tumbled, raking the floor to try and claw its way back, to no success. Its bellowing roar followed it, slowly fading from earshot as it fell into the magical wormhole:

ROOOOOOOOOOoooooaaaaaoooooaaaaaaaaaa…

Luna sat down, panting. Wiping the sweat off her brow, she breathed a happy sigh of relief, glancing confidently up at her moon. The hydra would be safe up there, far away from everything and everypony until she could figure out a better place to send it. She congratulated herself.

Five seconds later, one of the hydra’s heads came screaming back out of the portal, chomped her by her astral tail, and yanked her through the portal along with it. “AIIIIIIEEEEE…!”

Moments later, on the moon…

“…EEEEEEEEEE!”

Luna spilled out of the portal onto the cold, slippery floor. Adrenaline lit a fire under her, and she scrambled back to her hooves—only to crack her head on the counter. She hissed in pain—

…The counter?

She blinked and looked around.

“Welcome to Pony Joe’s Lunar Donut Emporium,” spoke a teenage colt from behind a gleaming white cash register. “Is this your first time visiting our fine establishment?”

“I… I don’t…” Luna’s bewildered eyes swept across the tables and the booths and the checkerboard floor, briefly lingering on a plate of chocolate eclairs in the glass display case before settling back on the cashier. “I don’t understand. It was supposed to be a portal to the moon!”

“This is the moon. See?”

The colt pointed at a window. Outside, the sky was the blackest black, the cratered surface bleak and desolate.

Luna felt her temper rise. “But there’s no donut shop on my moon!”

“There is now. We just had the ribbon-cutting ceremony. Opening day. New franchise. Congratulations, you’re our second customer.”

This was no simple illusion spell, Luna realized. Her blood was boiling beneath her skin—there was only one pony she knew of who could stitch together a phantasm of this complexity.

“Celestia,” she muttered under her breath.

“Sorry. If you’re looking to order, you’re going to have to get in line. He was here first.” The colt nodded to someone behind her.

Luna’s pulse quickened. She spun around.

Her old friend, the hydra, took a break from its Bavarian Kreme donut to roar in her face.

Outside the donut shop, everything was tranquil and serene.

Inside the donut shop, there was a raucous commotion. Spells went off like fireworks, flashing colored bursts of light out the windows. The whole building shook. Then, with one more roar, the double doors swung open, and Luna came hurtling out. She hit the ground hard and skidded to a stop, her face plowing a fifty foot trench through the moon dirt.

She sat up with a groan, smeared with pink frosting and speckled with sprinkles, blinking through a pair of strawberry donuts stuck to her face. She swatted them off and staggered back up.

“When I get hold of you, Rainbow Dash, I swear—!”

The doors burst open again.

Out lumbered the hydra, mad as heck and hungry for payback. Its tail pounded the ground as it rose up above her, both sets of teeth bared.

Luna wilted in its shadow, staring up at it nervously.

“Nice… monster?”

A short ways away, totally invisible to Luna, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were chilling on a set of bleachers, sipping soft drinks through straws and feasting on snackage. Pinkie Pie in particular had a chipper look on her face as she stretched out and kicked up her hooves on the row of seats in front of them. “It sure is peaceful on the moon!”

ROOOOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!

“GET OFF!” Luna feebly kicked at the monster, which had snatched her out of the air by her tail. “GET OFF!”

“I think I saw this once in a Michael Hay movie,” Rainbow said.

Pinkie shook her head. “Nah. I don’t think so. Michael Hay movies usually have way more explosions.”

PEW-PEW-PEW! KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM!

Clumps of moon dirt rained down from where Luna’s death beams had missed the hydra. Pinkie blinked. “…Then again, maybe you’re right! Hey, how’s your hotdog?”

“Eh, it’s… okay, I guess. Tastes a little funny. How’s your popcorn?”

Pinkie flicked a piece of it up into the air and caught it in her mouth. She frowned. “Needs more salt.”

“CELESTIA!” Luna screeched, dodging nimbly as the hydra’s tail came smashing down and gave the moon a brand new crater. “I SWEAR BY ALL THAT’S GOOD AND HOLY, I’LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS!”

“Never mind! I can taste the salt now.”

Rainbow smiled weakly.

---

“You helped her.”

Luna stood before Celestia, fuming and disheveled. Her starlight mane was in tangles, and parts of her were caked with donuts and moon dust.

Celestia only smirked. “There was no rule against it.”

“It was an unspoken rule!”

“Well, perhaps next time, you’ll know to speak it. I may be the princess of the sun, but I can’t read minds, you know.”

“I didn’t think it needed to be said! I’m your sister, for pony’s sake. We have a code of honor!”

“Really? News to me.”

“Besides, who their right mind would imagine you, of all ponies, would stoop to getting your hooves dirty with mischief? You were always such a goody-two-shoes growing up. And whatever happened to not responding disproportionately, huh?”

“Well then,” Celestia said with a cavalier toss of her mane, “I suppose next time, you’ll know not to underestimate me.”

Luna scowled. “Where is she, anyway? I thought she would want to be here to gloat.”

But Rainbow Dash wasn’t there.

She was alone in her home, newly re-annexed, with the covers pulled up around her, shivering.

Author's Note:

Alternate Scene

“This is GREAT!” Rainbow beamed. “You’re just who I need to turn the tables against Luna! Hey, did you happen to bring any popovers with you?”

Pinkie’s grin vanished. “No! I couldn’t find any more! And it’s not like I didn’t look. I practically turned the whole train car upside-down searching for supplies and provisions before I set out for Canterlot Castle. But in the end, all I could find were these nasty fruit cakes!”

She reached into hammerspace, rummaged around, and came up with an unappetizing-looking pastry. She shoved it into Twilight’s face.

“Do you want a slice, Twilight?”

“But I hate—BLUGGH—” Twilight’s sentence was cut off as Pinkie forced the fruitcake down her throat.

“Do you want another slice? Huh? Huh? DO YA?”

~fin

Comments

[Khao]

WHAT!

[Pause]

My body was not ready for another chapter of Alicorn.

No really. I was about to fall asleep then I saw it updated.

Twilight. How far are you willing to fall on this?

[Grey Goat Gal]

The last line concerns me a little bit...

[Shadow-Aura]

She was alone in her home, newly re-annexed, with the covers pulled up around her, shivering.

Celestia got dash as well I'm guessing to make it fair?

[Andy Soshal]

Another chapter par excellence, and capped with a homage to dearest RC.

You, Aldea Donder, rawk.

[Ri2]

So. Is Rainbow going to confront Twilight about what she heard, or...?

[VegaSakusa]

Did twilight just really imply she thought dashie was gutter trash?
I hope she was just upset and didn't really mean it.... but I feel it will come to blows later on because of that scene
Oh and yeah how could dash not clearly see the three --- marks for the scene change right pinky?

[Yami Vizzini]

Been a while... now to see how you're going to tear at my heart this time....

Good to see Rainbow and Twilight at least being civil for a bit. Just for a bit.

Daedalus?... sounds legit.

[tuntematon]

Twilight don't do it..

[Forward-Unto-Fiction]

Liked, fav'd, and ready for more! This story is so great!

[cosmic flash]

I honestly feel sorry for Rainbow and Twilight. I think they both have a lot of things that are being unsaid that if were expressed properly could lead to growth and healing. This constant sulking and bottling it all up is going to lead to pain and heartache.

[StormyVenture]

Humorous, but Celestia totally shouldn't have done that. It's true that no stipulation was made concerning the assistance of others, but it's not much of a triumph if you don't do it yourself. If I were Rainbow Dash and someone annexed my home, I think I'd try a few things. You know like relocating the invading force at supersonic speed or maybe slicing out the bit of cloud they were standing on and setting them adrift.

[fireflutterpony]

Twilight's gonna make such a great Nightmare.

[andmos]

Your alive!

Man, my hit on you failed

[Dreamclaw]

7391232
Yeeeeeah... we are fucked :/

BTW, awesome chapter and awesome story, one of the best I've seen to date, hands down. I will be waiting patiently in hopes of the continuation. Oh, and be on the lookout for the thousand likes milestone :P

[Dusk_Writer]

Twilight…I just…don't!

[Nevarius]

Look who came out of the limbo!
Also, great chapter. Hope to see more! In less than 6 moth span, that is xD

[Zobeid]

“I’m in the business,” he said, “of keeping ponies safe and alive.”

I can't believe he had the gall to say that to Twilight Sparkle. As nearly as I can recall, the first time they met he immediately attempted to kill her for no plausible reason. The balloon, remember? And he was never held accountable for that in any way.

[ABitterPill]

What the heck makes an alicorn sick like that, and why the heck hasn't anyone taken more note of it yet?

Also this chapter was, for the most part, an improvement on previous ones. In past chapters, nearly every freaking character was abrasive and unlikable. It takes a lot of talent and effort to make so many of your characters that unlikable.

Still finding Twilight to frankly be out of character. There's a difference between making a character interesting yet still flawed and going off the deep end with it. She.. and Rarity, and AJ, and Domo, and Tristar, and all the guards and the freaking palace staff are all the latter.

Still though, this chapter doesn't seem as bad as past ones were on that front... we'll see if you can continue that improving trend or default back to the overdone BS of the past.

[Starcat5]

7391232
I know, right? It seems like every other chapter has something that erodes her sense of self and duty just a little bit more. I know Tristar is clueless in what he's doing to her, but I can't help but wonder how many ponies are in on the Nightmare's plan.

Oh, and apparently Rainbow Dash has come down with something. Feather Flu, Magical Bio Weapon, or something more sinister?

Edit: Did the cover art change again?

[Sevenspur]

7393576

Why so rude?? Author goes to the effort to write a 120.000+ word story for people to enjoy, could have abandoned it long ago but didn't.... Why be so hostile?

IDK what you think Applejack did that's so egregious, she's had like one scene in Ch6 and she was very understanding of RD in that chapter. Twilight isn't ooc. The story being told is using the original season 1/Lauren Faust interpertation of the character. I.E. not season 4-6 Princess Twilight, but the Twilight Sparkle from season 1 who was an awkward girl with limited social skills, a huge introvert, still learning about friendship, unsure of herself and what others think of her to the point of repressing herself (Boast Busters), obsessed with Celestia's opinion of ehr to the point of measuring her entire self worth by it (Swarm of the Century, Bird in the Hoof, Lesson Zero). The fic is old and the author said they was going with season 1/2 continuity and characterization, so I don't think it's a big deal.

Also on the sickness issue, who's to say alicorns can't get sick? TBH TBH I think some of the things people cite as "problems" aren't really problems as much as they are baggage they bring with them from canon and headcanon...... For example you say how is it possible for an ALICORN to get sick like that, because in your head alicorn = godlike immortal being. How do you know that's even the case in this story though? What makes you so sure Dash has powers comparable to Celestia/Luna? What makes you think she's even immortal?

See, you bring these assumptions in with you and then you say the story doesn't make sense because it doesn't live up to them... when in fact the story seems to be implying something totally different. Story seems to be implying there used to be MANY alicorns, maybe even a whole race of them, and now there AREN'T any more, for some reason..... Luna even lampshades it in this chapter. Has anyone maybe considered the possibility that maybe alicorns AREN'T innately special? That maybe only Celestia and Luna are, and it's only coincidence that they also happen to be alicorns? That would mean RD isn't vastly op, isn't immortal, and isn't immune to germs... which pares out pretty well with what we've seen so far IMO.

[Fourpony]

“Never mind! I can taste the salt now.”

Luna's salty. I shouldn't have laughed at this reference but I did.

Now, just why is Rainbow shivering. I know her and Twilight are having a falling out but Twilight still defended Rainbow a bit during the overheard conversation.

[redandready45]

I don't think Tristar has any right to lecture Twilight, after destroying her balloon. Why wasn't that brought up in the conversation?

"It's my job to keep ponies safe," said Tristar.

"Yeah, I was being kept safe," muttered Twilight, "plummeting to my death after you punctured my balloon."

[Carmine Blaze]

Can't wait for more

[Heidao]

A few moments and an exchange of words, that's all it took to hit Dash with her element's kryptonite, betrayal.

Our two horses are nearing the finish line, will the exposure of "insanity" that the cultists will unleash on Twilight win her the seat of evil or the the constant pepper spray of indignities and insults Dash faces within the castle? Let's return till next time for the coming events.

[Kage no Brony]

7391309

Not only failed, but you rolled a natural 1!

He gets to immediately cast "Summon Bigger Fish"!

[tuntematon]

Et tu, Twilight?

[Super-Brony12]

I really like this! There's so much character development and drama between Celestia, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight! I'm going to be keeping an eye on this, and I have a feeling that the "purple eye" that Twilight keeps seeing in her nightmares belongs to either a Nightmare version of Twilight, or a Nightmare version of Rainbow Dash.

Excellent story thus far, and I look forward to more.

~ Super-Brony12

[Gypsy Heart]

Seriously, this story is so epic. I cannot even wait for the next chapter. Pleaseeee update soon.

[Thunderbird]

This has been winding up for so long now. I'm just waiting for something to snap so all this friendship-ending, love-killing drama can finally get all out into the open. I wanna see some hearts shatter people!

[Pinklestia]

So she is sick and no pony noticed yet?

[Aldea Donder]

7409008

Chapters 2, 3, 4, and 5 have a lot of kinks in them. The reasons for this are numerous:

* These chapters are the oldest in the fic, so season one continuity and fanon tend to shine through them more.
* These chapters date back to before the hiatus, which means there are unintentional gaps in the narrative where certain plot bunnies I'd been kicking around in my head just never got followed through on. (An example of this is when Twilight meets Sage for the first time in Chapter 5, and he tells her to check out a particular book for information about the Ascendancy—something that never, ever goes on to happen, and is an obvious narrative dead end.)
* These chapters were initially conceived and written at a time when this story was happy and feel-good and lovey-dovey, so there are glaring problems with tone in some scenes.

I'm gonna get around to fixing all this eventually, but I think it's safe to say I've heard more consistent feedback about the hot air balloon scene than any other scene in the story. That one's at the top of the list of changes I'll be making.

Shouldn't be a hard fix. I can probably make one minor revision, have the guards grab her out of the hot air balloon instead of sending her falling, and solve most of the problems people have with it. The whole point of that scene was to provide the reader some over-the-top action and comic relief, not for people to come away thinking Tristar tried to murder Twilight. Given that it still gets brought up even now, it's pretty obvious I whiffed at bat. It's a problem and it's going to get fixed.

[Pinklestia]

Yeah the balloon part was never mentioned again by Twilight Sparkle, that's weird.

[NachoTheBrony]

At the end of the previous chapter, I thought it possible for Rainbow to consider the surgical removal of her horn, and I honestly didn't see progress in this chapter toward her learning to appreciate it. Add to it that I suspect the caretaker to be the leader of the Ascendants...

Other than that: while I understand Rainbow's attitude toward Celestia, I believe she's acting excessively immature in general, especially considering that it has been at least a month since she came to live in the castle. How so? Well, anybody older than ten would have figured out that Luna was leagues ahead, but Rainbow became utterly petulant and decided she would not call it quits until she managed to get ahead; this despite that both Pinkie and her were utterly out of ideas.

[Featherstone]

Uh oh, Dash getting sick isn't good...

[Brony Soprano]

7606351 It's just such a heavy-handed thing, like it's trying to push the idea that Rainbow is bad and wrong to feel anything but unconditional love for the mare who didn't want to acknowledge her in public until she manifested as an alicorn.

[Aldea Donder]

7606739
7606351

I hear your criticism and I agree with it. I expressed my thoughts on these problems in comment #720.

You shouldn't be expected to know the full history of this fic, but suffice it to say there are a lot of problems with its oldest, earliest chapters. For example, Chapter Two (currently the oldest chapter) is totally out of tone with Chapter One (which was rewritten in 2015); moreover, the scene at the end of the chapter where Dash goes off and celebrates a "new beginning" is totally out of character with her anger and distrust toward Celestia. Tristar's scenes have a lot of problems, and so do Luna's, and Dash's crumbling emotional state isn't treated with anywhere near as much weight it ought to be.

I'm aware of all these problems, and I'm going to do everything I can to correct them once and for all with the next update. I can only ask you to please have understanding in the meantime, and to not let them poison your opinion of the story too much.

[LegacyMine]

7607484 When are you going to continue this?

[Sonic rainbow]

This is a great story I love it. Please update!!!

[DayShadowMysteriumPON3Y]

This story is so good! I need Moar! Please! *gets on the ground and begs*

[Joural]

7845878

Where is this stated keep in mind this comment is 5 years old.

[Titan Commander Sebaste]

Pfft, I loved this prank war!

[Wahtiff]

“Chinese finger trap?”
“What’s a finger?”

What's China?

[Wahtiff]

“This may be hard to for you to fathom,” he continued, “but all that I’ve done—all that I do—I do for the good of the Realm. If my disposition seems surly, if I refuse to grease your hoof, if I lack the patience for social niceties, then it’s only because I look at the world and see it naked and unfrocked for what it really is. I don’t swaddle myself in ignorance and call it wisdom, and I don’t waste my time pandering to the meaningless feelings of other ponies. But everything I do—” he leaned forward, “—everything I do, I do for my country, in service to Princess Celestia.”

Of I ever include Tristar in one of my fics, I'll make him an antagonist. Wisdom is also NOT ignorance, and feelings and emotions are a part of all of our natures. If you lack it, captain, you might as well be dead- I mean, what will you do if Celestia decides to hire somepony else as captain?

[StarryPenName]

7907375 Chineigh.

[Shadow-Aura]

hopefully we see more i love this story

[RDash]

One of my favorite stories in here!

And one of the few that actually still update. Keep up the fantastic work! (And I agree with your last comment ) Looking forward to the next chapter as always

[Rainbow_Amazie_Dash]

Please update!!!

[Dreadnought]

Any update coming soon?

Dreadnought