"Dirt. Waste. Darkness. And between this all, a pony trying to do the best - to survive in a world with no rules."
Manehattan is a huge city, often even considered as metropolis of Equestria. Being home to a huge part of the high-society, with all its sky-scratching buildings and expensive establishments, one might easily forget the other, darker side of metropolitan life.
This story takes you to the Downtown of Manehattan, where the unlucky, unwealthy and unfriendly society lives. Shabby houses side by side, door to door, with scattered bars a sane pony would never even consider to visit, if he wished to reach his home without a serious lack of blood and money. Incognito Grey was born right into this corrupt world, doing his best to get by, using his special talent for risky thievery. Until he got a letter, turning his life upside down.
Cover artwork is made by Mr.Cracks.
This story is dark and suspenseful, but seriously needs a proof reader. Spelling errors, grammar mistakes, and awkward amd passive sentences abound.
Also, be careful of your pony's name/description. It's Gary Stu-ish, and may turn people off to your story.
Keep trying! This is still a really good story.
Thank you for reading my story.
And thank you even more for your critique. I think, I better start writing my stories with Word or any other program, that might reduce spelling errors. The sentences, well, I'm going to improve my style, this is still the first fiction I've written, but I will think of that in the next chapter. (Easy and active sentences, thank you for that.)
To the character: You got a valid point there, the character will be improved soon, as the next chaper will reveal more about his personality. But as you said, the impression the character makes till this point is Gary Stu-ish. Also thank you for pointing that out.
After all I only can say to everyone who reads my story: If you have critique of any kind, I appreciate any positive or negative words of you, since it will all improve this story I'm writing.
Greetings
Alpha268