Thousands of years following the story of Archmage, Twilight takes on a new student. One who doesn't know the first thing about advanced magic. One who needs to start from Square One.
So is the next chapter going to be what happens on the train? Cause that will make it the second story with a train ride chapter in a relatively short time, not that i'm complaining just a weird coincidence ^^
4689653 It's perfectly acceptable behavior if Twilight/Basil are right. I might be the minority, but I'm siding with them against Gold. Something smells fishy to me.
4690642 Okay, sort of. I don't really trust Gold either, but that doesn't excuse him being a jerk to her. Even if I have reasons to dislike a friend's girlfriend, that doesn't mean it's okay for me to be a jerk to her. And I wouldn't be surprised when/if my friend gets angry at me for doing so.
All I'm saying is that Star needs to step up and tell Basil that it's not okay for him to treat her girlfriend like that, and that if he continues to do so, there are going to be problems.
the only thing i dont like about this fic is the fact that you basically changed the ways of the apple family for those of the flim flam brothers and that hurts me a lot 4690647
yeah, I get it, time has passed, things are different
how the fuck is the apple family this powerful, though? Why are they a mining company, instead of a farming empire(pro tip- no matter how much money is in mining, there's more in being the primary supplier of a food staple, and you'd bankrupt yourself trying to make the switch anyway)? Why is prostitution legal, and how has that 'they can charge you retroactively' thing worked more than once? If the elements are so greatly revered, why are the Apples straying so far from their famous ancestor's roots? Doesn't Equestria have rock farms, as has been repeatedly referenced in the show? I mean, that either means that mining is pointless(a likely explanation given the closure of the crystal mines in Canterlot), or that there are already numerous prolific quarrying and mining companies throughout Equestria.
And seriously, how does that 'charge you retroactively' thing ever hold up?
You wanna know how a court case on that would go?
'show me the contract you had with the defendant' 'well I don't have one, because it's in my contract with the...' 'did the defendant sign the contract? Does it involve the defendant in any way?' 'well, no, but...' 'Dismissed, plaintiff is to pay defendant damages equal to court fees.'
It's so blatantly illegal (and at least one of the immortal rulers clearly doesn't like it) that it shouldn't be a thing, so why did you make it one?
... well, I suppose if they were ruled to have been an asset of the apple family, that would mean that unlawful 'use' of them (IE sex, asking them to help you move, and so on) could be charged for, but that's also known as slavery, and I doubt that's what you meant.
Also, if they separate family from business(or whatever it is you implied this chapter), WHY IS THE BUSINESS CONSTANTLY REFEREED TO AS THE APPLE FAMILY
4692957 It comes from the days when railroad signals were orange balls on a chain. The arrangement of the balls were like the modern red/yellow/green lights on a signal. To get the "high ball" meant that the track ahead was clear, so the engineer could open the throttle. It evolved into "highball" which means to go as fast as the speed limit allows.
Hey, it happens to me all of the time. Sometimes I try to explain things and then everyone just gets even more confused than when it wasn't explained. Plus, now I can add another word to my expansive dictionary!
Welp, another chapter to look at, let's have some fun
Overview: The chapter was shorter than I would of liked it, leaving me feeling kind of unsatisfied despite its excellent content. The storyline took a big progression here which I think the story needed and it's taking the story in a wonderful direction.
Positives: The character development, although subtle was extremely well done in this chapter. The general atmosphere of Nugget and Star's relationship was executed with clarity and felt completely natural. Her questioning style and attitude in the "almost fight" was spot on and I could see the character you've built up actually doing those things. In addition the small off sides with other members of the group really showed how the party interacts and the emotions of a few of them. (Really looking forward to more of that on the train ride).
Another thing that was done well was the description of the soft clop when Star returned home. Now usually I'm not one for praising or putting down clop other than to say don't do it or keep doing it but these deserves some special mention. The description of Nugget's actions just made it feel so vivid and the description of the movements was spot on. I would very much look forward to a chapter with some plot associated clop that's written out at length.
The final point is the way you passed time in this chapter. A few days passed and yet I didn't feel as if I'd missing anything. The description of how many times Bazil won and lost was a nice touch.
Negatives: As stated earlier this chapter feels extremely short. I'm not sure if it's the flow or the pacing or simple the fact it's a short chapter but I feel like some additional bits could of been added in just to lengthen it out. This is not a call for you to rush just a note that chapters that take longer but are more expanded on would be lovely.
One other thing was the instant almost hate between Nugget and Bazil. Although I understand Bazil has a problem with the Apple family I dot believe that it has been given enough weight I justify such am aggressive interaction. I would of preferred to see more subtle, but just as angry, actions from Bazil such as waiting for Nugget to put her case in then shoving it out the way after she's gone or similar to that.
Expectations and Hopes: I want to see this train ride used as a great time for character development and discussion. I would be overjoyed with a chapter just with everyone chatting and interacting. In addition I'd like there to be a significant amount of detail in describing trottingham compared to Canterlot. Other than that all I have to say is great chapter, see you next time!
So I'm the guy who makes an account on fimfiction just to follow his favorite stories and generally keep up with things, and rarely comments. However, after reading your blog post where you were considering the possibility of stopping due to lack of feedback I decided it's about time I step up to the plate. From now on I will post whatever comes to mind about whatever story of yours I read because I love your stories and would really love it if you would keep writing. I'm not very good at this so we'll see how this goes. Onwards!
Overall I found this chapter delightfully adorable, the relationship between Goldy and Star is progressing nicely, little confused on the Apple Family front though. I thought that the Apple Family required all contracts, including the one that essentially sold your body to the to be signed. Otherwise why would anyone do that in the first place? Are there special benefits for signing that contract? Increased wages etc.?
Star is now 2-3-2 against Basil, little bummed I didn't get descriptions of those fights, especially the stalemates. I bet they were awesome :D
Hmm... Basil and Goldy aren't getting along, probably should have seen this coming now that I think about it. I wonder what caused Basil's grudge towards the Apple Family? Basil did seem a little bit to hostile though considering last chapter he said maybe Star had found "A golden nugget among the shit", is he really not willing to even give Goldy a shot? Come on man! Also I'm not sure why but, I still don't trust Goldy completely, it feels like she's hiding something. I might just be paranoid.
I think that's all I got, thanks for the chapter! I do hope you continue to write in the future, and I will continue to post miscellaneous thoughts in the comments.
4691366 Yup, that's what I'm thinking too. Not sure where Goldy fits as (honesty though, likely, despite the lack of direct relation to the Apples, unless that's revealed later). The others are pretty obvious so far, though I don't think Basil is one, unless he's laughter.
Honestly I think GN would be Kindness (she doesn't touch me as the Honesty type with her penchant for spinning the truth for as long as she has. And she does seem to be the kind of pony who looks out for others.). But other than Breezie and Lotus I don't think any of the others are descendants of the original Bearers.
Commence read.
The tension, wonder what happened there.
Nope. Teacher or not, he gets the kick. That's unacceptable behavior.
So is the next chapter going to be what happens on the train? Cause that will make it the second story with a train ride chapter in a relatively short time, not that i'm complaining just a weird coincidence ^^
Had Twilight been there, she would have ripped him a new asshole!
Really gotta wonder what's up with the Apple Family these days. Should AJ be turning in her grave or what?
4690086 From what we know, AJ wouldn't just be turning in her grave, she would have worn through her grave and the three other graves next to her.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
4689653 It's perfectly acceptable behavior if Twilight/Basil are right. I might be the minority, but I'm siding with them against Gold. Something smells fishy to me.
4690642
And it's not just Star's thighs!
Hey-o!
4690647
i.imgur.com/sYAzM.png
4690642 Okay, sort of. I don't really trust Gold either, but that doesn't excuse him being a jerk to her. Even if I have reasons to dislike a friend's girlfriend, that doesn't mean it's okay for me to be a jerk to her. And I wouldn't be surprised when/if my friend gets angry at me for doing so.
All I'm saying is that Star needs to step up and tell Basil that it's not okay for him to treat her girlfriend like that, and that if he continues to do so, there are going to be problems.
4690647
the only thing i dont like about this fic is the fact that you basically changed the ways of the apple family for those of the flim flam brothers and that hurts me a lot
4690647
This lot are going to be next Element Bearers, aren't they?
Just sayin'
I mean, I've already got my theories on them, all that's missing is Kindness if I'm right...
Well, let the 14 hour train ride commence! Full speed ahead! Great chapter, once again!
Okay, this is fucking bothering me
yeah, I get it, time has passed, things are different
how the fuck is the apple family this powerful, though? Why are they a mining company, instead of a farming empire(pro tip- no matter how much money is in mining, there's more in being the primary supplier of a food staple, and you'd bankrupt yourself trying to make the switch anyway)? Why is prostitution legal, and how has that 'they can charge you retroactively' thing worked more than once? If the elements are so greatly revered, why are the Apples straying so far from their famous ancestor's roots? Doesn't Equestria have rock farms, as has been repeatedly referenced in the show? I mean, that either means that mining is pointless(a likely explanation given the closure of the crystal mines in Canterlot), or that there are already numerous prolific quarrying and mining companies throughout Equestria.
And seriously, how does that 'charge you retroactively' thing ever hold up?
You wanna know how a court case on that would go?
'show me the contract you had with the defendant'
'well I don't have one, because it's in my contract with the...'
'did the defendant sign the contract? Does it involve the defendant in any way?'
'well, no, but...'
'Dismissed, plaintiff is to pay defendant damages equal to court fees.'
It's so blatantly illegal (and at least one of the immortal rulers clearly doesn't like it) that it shouldn't be a thing, so why did you make it one?
... well, I suppose if they were ruled to have been an asset of the apple family, that would mean that unlawful 'use' of them (IE sex, asking them to help you move, and so on) could be charged for, but that's also known as slavery, and I doubt that's what you meant.
Also, if they separate family from business(or whatever it is you implied this chapter), WHY IS THE BUSINESS CONSTANTLY REFEREED TO AS THE APPLE FAMILY
Can we get a name for the damn thing, please
4692831 I know I'm going to let my nerd show, but technically it should be "Highball!"
4690268 You know, if the Apple Family knew about it, they would probably have attached her corpse to a generator.
4692895
But my iPad says that that's the informal use of the word!
4692910 Lol good point...
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
4692957 It comes from the days when railroad signals were orange balls on a chain. The arrangement of the balls were like the modern red/yellow/green lights on a signal. To get the "high ball" meant that the track ahead was clear, so the engineer could open the throttle. It evolved into "highball" which means to go as fast as the speed limit allows.
4692979
Oh. Well, you learn something new everyday. I just never thought that it would be about trains....
4693014 Yeah, sorry for the lecture. I usually have my nerd locked in the basement, but sometimes it gets out.
4693030
Hey, it happens to me all of the time. Sometimes I try to explain things and then everyone just gets even more confused than when it wasn't explained. Plus, now I can add another word to my expansive dictionary!
Welp, another chapter to look at, let's have some fun
Overview:
The chapter was shorter than I would of liked it, leaving me feeling kind of unsatisfied despite its excellent content. The storyline took a big progression here which I think the story needed and it's taking the story in a wonderful direction.
Positives:
The character development, although subtle was extremely well done in this chapter. The general atmosphere of Nugget and Star's relationship was executed with clarity and felt completely natural. Her questioning style and attitude in the "almost fight" was spot on and I could see the character you've built up actually doing those things. In addition the small off sides with other members of the group really showed how the party interacts and the emotions of a few of them. (Really looking forward to more of that on the train ride).
Another thing that was done well was the description of the soft clop when Star returned home. Now usually I'm not one for praising or putting down clop other than to say don't do it or keep doing it but these deserves some special mention. The description of Nugget's actions just made it feel so vivid and the description of the movements was spot on. I would very much look forward to a chapter with some plot associated clop that's written out at length.
The final point is the way you passed time in this chapter. A few days passed and yet I didn't feel as if I'd missing anything. The description of how many times Bazil won and lost was a nice touch.
Negatives:
As stated earlier this chapter feels extremely short. I'm not sure if it's the flow or the pacing or simple the fact it's a short chapter but I feel like some additional bits could of been added in just to lengthen it out. This is not a call for you to rush just a note that chapters that take longer but are more expanded on would be lovely.
One other thing was the instant almost hate between Nugget and Bazil. Although I understand Bazil has a problem with the Apple family I dot believe that it has been given enough weight I justify such am aggressive interaction. I would of preferred to see more subtle, but just as angry, actions from Bazil such as waiting for Nugget to put her case in then shoving it out the way after she's gone or similar to that.
Expectations and Hopes:
I want to see this train ride used as a great time for character development and discussion. I would be overjoyed with a chapter just with everyone chatting and interacting.
In addition I'd like there to be a significant amount of detail in describing trottingham compared to Canterlot. Other than that all I have to say is great chapter, see you next time!
there is no stop on Mr Basils wild ride ?
nice chapter, i love were this cat and mouse game of lies and trues is going, rainwater martini is shining through !
So I'm the guy who makes an account on fimfiction just to follow his favorite stories and generally keep up with things, and rarely comments. However, after reading your blog post where you were considering the possibility of stopping due to lack of feedback I decided it's about time I step up to the plate. From now on I will post whatever comes to mind about whatever story of yours I read because I love your stories and would really love it if you would keep writing. I'm not very good at this so we'll see how this goes. Onwards!
Overall I found this chapter delightfully adorable, the relationship between Goldy and Star is progressing nicely, little confused on the Apple Family front though. I thought that the Apple Family required all contracts, including the one that essentially sold your body to the to be signed. Otherwise why would anyone do that in the first place? Are there special benefits for signing that contract? Increased wages etc.?
Star is now 2-3-2 against Basil, little bummed I didn't get descriptions of those fights, especially the stalemates. I bet they were awesome :D
Hmm... Basil and Goldy aren't getting along, probably should have seen this coming now that I think about it. I wonder what caused Basil's grudge towards the Apple Family? Basil did seem a little bit to hostile though considering last chapter he said maybe Star had found "A golden nugget among the shit", is he really not willing to even give Goldy a shot? Come on man! Also I'm not sure why but, I still don't trust Goldy completely, it feels like she's hiding something. I might just be paranoid.
I think that's all I got, thanks for the chapter! I do hope you continue to write in the future, and I will continue to post miscellaneous thoughts in the comments.
4691366 Yup, that's what I'm thinking too. Not sure where Goldy fits as (honesty though, likely, despite the lack of direct relation to the Apples, unless that's revealed later). The others are pretty obvious so far, though I don't think Basil is one, unless he's laughter.
Cap.
___________
4729417
Honestly I think GN would be Kindness (she doesn't touch me as the Honesty type with her penchant for spinning the truth for as long as she has. And she does seem to be the kind of pony who looks out for others.). But other than Breezie and Lotus I don't think any of the others are descendants of the original Bearers.