4410462 You don't want to know how I think... believe me, even I fear sometimes from my own thoughts.
Another idea I had is: He will become Discord. Maybe by a failed spell from Celestia how wants to keep him (After some years of them dating and... other... things... ) and had to use forbidden magic for that. CHAOS MAGIC!
To prevent him from death, the magic had to change his body.
The first years where all good. But then the Chaos Magic gets more and more control over his mind and he gets more and more... random.
Until he becomes a danger for Celestias citizen and she and her Sister have to prison him in stone.
Hmmm...not the most sophisticated story I've ever seen but I'd really like to see where this goes. My advice would be to watch your pacing (which hasn't been too bad thus far) and consider using more contractions when writing dialogue. It'll make those bits sound a little less robotic and sound better overall. Anyhoo, I'll fave and like this because you've intrigued my curiosity and I'd love to see your writing improve and evolve over the course of this story.
4410556 The idea of him being imprisoned on the moon is a really good one, but would he be alone or able to interact with nightmare moon? And will she be angry/violent towards him? Will it be 1000 years of fighting for his life?
Most importantly, you tell her how he is all alone in the world and all you wanted to do was help.
I'd recommend changing this to 'was' instead of keeping it as is. Other wise you would have to make 'all alone' into 'all-alone'
lunch time.
Lunch time is actually one word. I know right? Who'd of thought it.
"Tia! What is thou thinking! This is where the monster foalnapped thou!"
Now despite the language being archaic, use of the word 'is' is incorrect, you should make it into a 'are'
She isn't liking the looks of this alley
I'd recommend changing the sentence structure just a little. I'd change it into this:
She doesn't like the look of this alley
It makes more sense like this.
It is either that, or have her call the guards again.
Same problem as before, just an odd sentence structure. Here's a more sensical version:
It was either that, or have her call the guards again.
You really don't know how the fact you can talk make a filly giddy with joy.
Same as before.
You really don't know how the fact you can talk makes a filly become giddy with joy.
"Well, no... but they could." Luna chimes in with her opinion.
Change into a capital letter.
"...maybe." She gives a giggle
Make into a capital also.
"It will be different this time. I promise." She gives you a warm smile. That smile starts to wash away all your doubt and insecurities
Now I'd recommend changing it to this:
She gives you a warm smile, a smile that begins to wash away all your doubt and insecurities.
"Wait for it... Wait for it... Wait fo- Now!" You charge straight for the gate, making sure to stay a bit behind because you have no idea where to go after you get past the gate.
Just remove this capital letter. Then it's all good.
"Let's get this over with." You wait for the caterers to leave the cart, and then you make a dash for it.
Place an 'and' here.
"Stairs." You give yourself a mandatory facepalm.
These are two are actually separate words, regardless of he contact.
You really do not liking her ideas, but you don't have much of a choice.
Add a 'do' here, removing the 'are' from before 'really'
You end up facepalming again. They wouldn't get hand gestures.
These are two separate words.
When you open the doors, you are greeted by a dinning room fit for at least a hundred ponies.
Change to:
When you open the doors, a dinning room fit for at least a hundred ponies greets you.
Mom and Dad were talking about some royal business.Aka, boring grown up talk.
Just a space here.
Licking your fingers, you savor the sweet sweet taste of frosting.
Add a comma between these two words.
And the work is chapleted and finished. I only have one gripe with this fiction and its the seemingly unorganised writing structure. So instead of just colouring text when a character is speaking, just try to specify what character is speaking in the fiction instead, even if it just a small snippet of text. That's all. I really want to like this fiction, I really, really do. But I'm just not adapted to the second person and lack of connectivity tot he character. I do like the premise, just not the character I'm supposed to be. I'm so very sorry for this outlook, I really am. Regardless, I hope to succeed in all future works.
4410946 That would explain the moon's physical change during her imprisonment, so could they talk? I think I would prefer 1000 years of fighting over 1000 years of listening to nightmare moon complaining about the elements beating her
4410900 Thanks for the tips. I am actually just transcribing this from a green text that I was using on 4chan. And the part where the colors were used, I wanted the immediate back and forth effect that would have been lost if I added anything. I will try harder to convert it into a better story, and thank you for your input.
4410435 I think that this should take place before Nightmare Moons rise and Anon holds NMM but gets thrown on some fallen rubble and is on the verge of dying and the only way to save him is to seal him in stone till he can heal and nothing can destroy the stone he is sealed in (like a invincible cocoon) , and then the time comes when he is released after the end of season 4.
Right, I really don't like your writing style. I'm sure a hundred people have already commented on your tense errors and all kinds of other things, but I am really liking the story here... For now, a favourite to track. Clean up the story though, and I'll definitely give it a thumb too.
My only problem with this is the changes from first to third person with the point of view changes and a few grammatical mistakes. Other than that I'm lovin' it!
4408931 1. I was aware of this, to me its more realistic if the guards first thought was what I mentioned before. 2. I am well aware that there are children that live on the streets, many of those children have access to soup kitchens and shelters. Anon has none of these, not only that at first he was hunted as a monster and as such very its difficult to believe that he can survive in Equestria for more than 2 months, 3. I can see where said "giggles" would come from doing this 4. no comment 5. personally if it came down to preference or a solid chapter I would choose the latter. 6. I don't mean to sound pushy but it is up to you as the author to provide details like this otherwise there might be confusion among the readers. 7. So do I Thank you for replying
4409407 Could be attributed to shock, he is a ten year old boy whom was hunted as a monster and treated as such and then he is meeting the rules of the species that hunted him, also taking into account the likely intimidation factor resulting from size difference and its not to much of a stretch for this to happen. Not to mention all the guards likely to be glaring at him among other things.
Well now we know from who the troll side come from I always almost certain Anon would just jump out of the window and after all this is a sad story right? so it will make a bit of send that he just bail her off
Also, he is like 10 or so…and they are already putting him to work? Why don't they put him school or private lessons or something, I think getting strait to work sounds a bit unfair, but oh well I suppose that its the sad tag for. Je you know something funny, if he was afraid to sleep with her why he didn't use a plushie as a barrier between them? or better yet just use them as a make shift bed?
Nice story so far, but Anon for a name? Really? you couldn't come up with some random human name? Whatever, still a great story. have a like, favorite, and ten Fluttershy yay's.
4413907 Not really from all story he will be death terrify of that, remember they had betray and hit him in more than one occasion if someone bath him he will be so afraid and mad that he probably will never speck to Celestia or Luna and run away from the castle as soon as possible.
also aren't you curious about who betray him? or what his father will say of him? je probably he will find out by the smell, and they teleport him into the castle door while he sleeps, then Celestia will be all confused when she wakes up, and at dinner when she Luna and her mom ask where he is the king will be all relax with a mug of coffee saying
'oh you mean the strait animal that follow you? don't worry I already take him out, and order the maids that clean your room of that putrid smell of him dear, he will not come back'
Good story and I will follow but it needs a bit of touching up. As has been stated before, the sentence structure is a little odd and I think the mother was a bit too quick to let him in but I can get past all that. The only other thing I would like to be stated is the size of Anon in relation to the ponies, just find it a little hard to picture their sizes when I'm unsure of their age. I may have missed it but is he still 10 or older now?
How would you know he would react that way if Tia, Luna or their mother went up to him and said he should take a bath? That has nothing to do with the fact he was betrayed. It´s just a more realistic in MY opinion. If we can speak of realism in a fanfiction of an cartoon.
Yeah he was hit by ponies and his trust betrayed. That doesn't mean he will go bonkers at the mentioning that he should clean himself or that someone else will do it. He's a child that showed capability of trust to others by going with Tia to the castle. Two times. After being thrown out the first time. He would let it happen to show he is nice and they can let him stay.
But in the end it is my own idea how it could be.
And no i dont care who betrayed him. And i belive the king will feel awfull when he hears what HIS subjects have been doing to Anon.
And lets be honest. If the queen said Anon may stay do you believe her husband will say anything against it? Nope.
In the end we have to wait what the author will write.
@Kabuto901 throwing him into a bathtub isn't my idea of funny. More like the possible awkwardness of being naked or him trying to explain why it would be awkward. This slapstick humor you mentioned would be worth a downvote/defav. after the fic started so well/serious especially when there is no "comedy" tag.
Keep it up,great story for now!
Dawww, so nice. She should probably tell him to take a some though, I'm sure someone would notice. A job hmm. I could see it.
Cute
Celestia gonna lose something C:
GOD ITS SO GOOD
Great Story. Please more!
But now the questions raise:
Will this play in the "past" from the show?
Or will something happen to bring him in the "present" time of the show, where he will maybe meet Twilight and her friends?
Maybe he gets turned into stone by mistake and has to wait for a thousand years?
Or is even with Luna together banished to the moon? He could have helped Celestia by holding Nightmare Moon in place till the elements ready.
Hmmmm I guess Anon forgot that his probably very dirty from living in a dump for so long.
4410435 ooh, I like how you think!
Dawwwww.
[youtube=m.youtube.com/watch?v=kIfOjkB17BA] nice
Loving this so far, keep it up!
I give it ten mustaches.
4410462 You don't want to know how I think... believe me, even I fear sometimes from my own thoughts.
Another idea I had is: He will become Discord. Maybe by a failed spell from Celestia how wants to keep him (After some years of them dating and... other... things... ) and had to use forbidden magic for that. CHAOS MAGIC!
To prevent him from death, the magic had to change his body.
The first years where all good. But then the Chaos Magic gets more and more control over his mind and he gets more and more... random.
Until he becomes a danger for Celestias citizen and she and her Sister have to prison him in stone.
He could even be Sombra with a similar story.
i give it ten yay's so far
Hmmm...not the most sophisticated story I've ever seen but I'd really like to see where this goes. My advice would be to watch your pacing (which hasn't been too bad thus far) and consider using more contractions when writing dialogue. It'll make those bits sound a little less robotic and sound better overall. Anyhoo, I'll fave and like this because you've intrigued my curiosity and I'd love to see your writing improve and evolve over the course of this story.
I think you should add the "Alternate Universe" tag.
4410556 The idea of him being imprisoned on the moon is a really good one, but would he be alone or able to interact with nightmare moon? And will she be angry/violent towards him? Will it be 1000 years of fighting for his life?
4410845
4410862 Oh don't worry. I will warn you guys.
I'd recommend changing this to 'was' instead of keeping it as is. Other wise you would have to make 'all alone' into 'all-alone'
Lunch time is actually one word. I know right? Who'd of thought it.
Now despite the language being archaic, use of the word 'is' is incorrect, you should make it into a 'are'
I'd recommend changing the sentence structure just a little. I'd change it into this:
It makes more sense like this.
Same problem as before, just an odd sentence structure. Here's a more sensical version:
Same as before.
Change into a capital letter.
Make into a capital also.
Now I'd recommend changing it to this:
Just remove this capital letter. Then it's all good.
Place an 'and' here.
These are two are actually separate words, regardless of he contact.
Add a 'do' here, removing the 'are' from before 'really'
These are two separate words.
Change to:
Just a space here.
Add a comma between these two words.
And the work is chapleted and finished. I only have one gripe with this fiction and its the seemingly unorganised writing structure. So instead of just colouring text when a character is speaking, just try to specify what character is speaking in the fiction instead, even if it just a small snippet of text. That's all.
I really want to like this fiction, I really, really do. But I'm just not adapted to the second person and lack of connectivity tot he character. I do like the premise, just not the character I'm supposed to be. I'm so very sorry for this outlook, I really am. Regardless, I hope to succeed in all future works.
Great chapter, keep it up mate.
4410798 It's not say Luna was with her body there. Luna and Anon maybe were turned into energy and the Moon was holding this energy.
4410946 That would explain the moon's physical change during her imprisonment, so could they talk? I think I would prefer 1000 years of fighting over 1000 years of listening to nightmare moon complaining about the elements beating her
4410900 Thanks for the tips. I am actually just transcribing this from a green text that I was using on 4chan. And the part where the colors were used, I wanted the immediate back and forth effect that would have been lost if I added anything. I will try harder to convert it into a better story, and thank you for your input.
D'aaaaaah, that ending...
This is good, i really like the idea of Celestia knowing a human since her childhood.
Excellent chapter please update ASAP.
4410435 I think that this should take place before Nightmare Moons rise and Anon holds NMM but gets thrown on some fallen rubble and is on the verge of dying and the only way to save him is to seal him in stone till he can heal and nothing can destroy the stone he is sealed in (like a invincible cocoon) , and then the time comes when he is released after the end of season 4.
Right, I really don't like your writing style. I'm sure a hundred people have already commented on your tense errors and all kinds of other things, but I am really liking the story here... For now, a favourite to track. Clean up the story though, and I'll definitely give it a thumb too.
Love it
You really shouldn't write the other characters in second person. Just write then in first, or third person.
I can get past all the errors and writing style. I will be keeping track of this and hope that it gets new chapters frequently.
My only problem with this is the changes from first to third person with the point of view changes and a few grammatical mistakes. Other than that I'm lovin' it!
4408931
1. I was aware of this, to me its more realistic if the guards first thought was what I mentioned before.
2. I am well aware that there are children that live on the streets, many of those children have access to soup kitchens and shelters. Anon has none of these, not only that at first he was hunted as a monster and as such very its difficult to believe that he can survive in Equestria for more than 2 months,
3. I can see where said "giggles" would come from doing this
4. no comment
5. personally if it came down to preference or a solid chapter I would choose the latter.
6. I don't mean to sound pushy but it is up to you as the author to provide details like this otherwise there might be confusion among the readers.
7. So do I
Thank you for replying
4409407 Could be attributed to shock, he is a ten year old boy whom was hunted as a monster and treated as such and then he is meeting the rules of the species that hunted him, also taking into account the likely intimidation factor resulting from size difference and its not to much of a stretch for this to happen. Not to mention all the guards likely to be glaring at him among other things.
OMG this story is in my favs now, you know this gave so many types of dawwwws on so many levels, please continue
4410448
Yeah thats also buggin me. By now he should REEK of filth.
Would have made a funny scene with Tia or someone of the staff bathing him.
Much better!
Here, have a fav
He should say: "get your filthy hooves off me you putrid creature" to a guard. Lol
AAHHH!: This is wonderful finally EMOTION in a story.
Well now we know from who the troll side come from I always almost certain Anon would just jump out of the window and after all this is a sad story right? so it will make a bit of send that he just bail her off
Also, he is like 10 or so…and they are already putting him to work? Why don't they put him school or private lessons or something, I think getting strait to work sounds a bit unfair, but oh well I suppose that its the sad tag for.
Je you know something funny, if he was afraid to sleep with her why he didn't use a plushie as a barrier between them? or better yet just use them as a make shift bed?
Nice story so far, but Anon for a name? Really? you couldn't come up with some random human name? Whatever, still a great story. have a like, favorite, and ten Fluttershy yay's.
4413907
Not really from all story he will be death terrify of that, remember they had betray and hit him in more than one occasion if someone bath him he will be so afraid and mad that he probably will never speck to Celestia or Luna and run away from the castle as soon as possible.
also aren't you curious about who betray him? or what his father will say of him? je probably he will find out by the smell, and they teleport him into the castle door while he sleeps, then Celestia will be all confused when she wakes up, and at dinner when she Luna and her mom ask where he is the king will be all relax with a mug of coffee saying
'oh you mean the strait animal that follow you? don't worry I already take him out, and order the maids that clean your room of that putrid smell of him dear, he will not come back'
Good story and I will follow but it needs a bit of touching up. As has been stated before, the sentence structure is a little odd and I think the mother was a bit too quick to let him in but I can get past all that. The only other thing I would like to be stated is the size of Anon in relation to the ponies, just find it a little hard to picture their sizes when I'm unsure of their age. I may have missed it but is he still 10 or older now?
4413907 YEah forcefully throwing him into a bathtub
4415372 ill bet that happens next chapter. XD. Also you can never hide things from your parents as a kid.
4415518 well said
Over four hundred Favs already? HA! And when I thought you didn't wanted to post it at first. It seems like it worked out for you.
4415604 I didn't want to edit it... But I'll admit it was a good idea. Thanks.
4414946
How would you know he would react that way if Tia, Luna or their mother went up to him and said he should take a bath? That has nothing to do with the fact he was betrayed. It´s just a more realistic in MY opinion. If we can speak of realism in a fanfiction of an cartoon.
Yeah he was hit by ponies and his trust betrayed. That doesn't mean he will go bonkers at the mentioning that he should clean himself or that someone else will do it. He's a child that showed capability of trust to others by going with Tia to the castle. Two times. After being thrown out the first time. He would let it happen to show he is nice and they can let him stay.
But in the end it is my own idea how it could be.
And no i dont care who betrayed him. And i belive the king will feel awfull when he hears what HIS subjects have been doing to Anon.
And lets be honest. If the queen said Anon may stay do you believe her husband will say anything against it? Nope.
In the end we have to wait what the author will write.
@Kabuto901
throwing him into a bathtub isn't my idea of funny. More like the possible awkwardness of being naked or him trying to explain why it would be awkward.
This slapstick humor you mentioned would be worth a downvote/defav. after the fic started so well/serious especially when there is no "comedy" tag.
I wish you all a good night.