Anyways, your new editor did pretty well. Ignoring the few, nearly avoidable spelling and grammar errors, this story seems to be coming along nicely. There's just one major problem I'd like to point out: you're putting to many paragraphs in, as in, you should try and stay away from one sentence long paragraphs except for extreme emotions. Even so, you would still want to fit more details into your entries. Beef it up before you post it. Most editors will try not to mess with the formatting to much and trust in the author to be knowing what he is aiming for, so that's not his fault. Anyways, if you want my critique before you post the chapters just PM me each chapter and I'll point out spelling mistakes and ways to make it look purdy.
I'm not going to stop reading this story any time soon...
Some minor errors, gauged should be gouged,otherwise it's pretty good.
Also, this might just be me, but why would the king let two ponies who turn out to be rapists date his daughters? Is he just kind of a bad judge of character?
Cue to training montage!…*human style* Sorry Celestia, Luna, her appreciation and kisses will had to wait Anon will now get 'on the zone' and when a man train on the zone its next to impossible to reach it until he finish
On the bright side, saving them both from rape should give Anon enough points with the King to make him okay with Anon dating Celestia. So that's something.
I am finding your characterization and overall story to be brilliant, this is one of those stories I'll most likely re-read again later. Can't wait for more!
Well if these guys had been in the U.S.E controled space they would have been shot on sight that or arrested before death by firing squad or torture depending on the crime. The U.S.E is not overly brutal about crime but murder, rape, and anything that can leave scars is punished by death. I'LL KILL THEM BOTH!
4504377 LOL. By the way did you hear about the 11 year old who hanged himself in an attempt to commit suicide because people bullied him about liking My Little Pony?
I'm going to argue for this whole incident being classified as high treason, at least for the one stupid enough to actually be caught in the act. The traditional punishment for which would be beheading with a sword or an axe, either of which are "honorable" ways for a Nobleman to be executed. For this particular incident, probably after a gelding. If the king and/or queen are feeling particularly vindictive, after a healthy bout of torture and a nice stay of a month or so in the oubliette. And for additional "fun", if the two want to make a point to the nobility over this whole affair, about exactly how unacceptable they considers this kind of behavior to be, they could even revoke the noble titles of the two if they're actual titled nobles, and not just a scion of one of the noble houses. Possibly even granting one of the titles to Anon, if they wants to be really vindictive about it.
As for Anon, this would pretty much puts the final nail in any doubts that the king and queen may be harboring over Anon's loyalty and dedication to the sisters in general and Celestia in particular. If I was the King, I'd formally knight Anon, assuming I didn't think there would be a risk of an imminent uprising on the part of the nobility over knighting not only a commoner, but a foreigner to boot. At the very least I'd think up some kind of fancy sounding title like "Princess's Champion" and/or find him a job with a good deal more prestige and thanks then a Kitchen servant or Guard.
While 19th century history is my major, I could have declared a medieval history one too. It was a difference of like one course. Also Crusader Kings II is great for this kind of shit.
Anon should have been an active participant in this Ball. That would have been the best way to watch over them IMO. As for what the nobles would think? Who cares. You can't let a bunch of rich fools come between you and the most important job in Equestria: Protecting Celestia and Luna. How could you almost let them be raped Anon?
You will need to keep a better eye on who Luna hangs out with now. Celestia is already dating you, so you don't need to worry about her, but you may want to think about dating Luna as well. After all, who better to trust her with then yourself?
The new editor is good. At least, I couldn't find any mistakes.
Try Vietnam War era MACV recondo training and then talk about it hard. Back in those days, your final initiation ritual was to do a long-range patrol through the dangerous jungle. That was to become an LRRP or 'lurrp' as people called them.
"Now, let's learn how to diffuse a situation without any violence."
Your whole fucking job is to kill an motherfuckers that are in an unauthorized area. You are not the police you are supposedly trained military personnel, kill any asshole that tries to kill you or the authority (king, queen, minister, President, etc.)
... Damn...
Anyways, your new editor did pretty well. Ignoring the few, nearly avoidable spelling and grammar errors, this story seems to be coming along nicely. There's just one major problem I'd like to point out: you're putting to many paragraphs in, as in, you should try and stay away from one sentence long paragraphs except for extreme emotions. Even so, you would still want to fit more details into your entries. Beef it up before you post it. Most editors will try not to mess with the formatting to much and trust in the author to be knowing what he is aiming for, so that's not his fault. Anyways, if you want my critique before you post the chapters just PM me each chapter and I'll point out spelling mistakes and ways to make it look purdy.
I'm not going to stop reading this story any time soon...
Damn son, where'd ya find this?
Great chapter and nice representation of the whole bad pony thing!
Looking forward to more!
Go anon!
Some minor errors, gauged should be gouged,otherwise it's pretty good.
Also, this might just be me, but why would the king let two ponies who turn out to be rapists date his daughters? Is he just kind of a bad judge of character?
I really like the plot so far.Oh and really good story.
I don't know if it's the editing but it looks too Mary Sue. You should look into that
Shit just got real
Cue to training montage!…*human style* Sorry Celestia, Luna, her appreciation and kisses will had to wait Anon will now get 'on the zone' and when a man train on the zone its next to impossible to reach it until he finish
Those feeeeeeeelsssss......
MOAR!
great story
Holy shit this story is great.
On the bright side, saving them both from rape should give Anon enough points with the King to make him okay with Anon dating Celestia. So that's something.
that is the moment i would wonder what pony meat would taste like
i was on the edge of my seat ....i wish it was longer
Trying to rape one of the princess'...well we all know what's going to happen next.
Ehh curse thee phone >_>
Quite a few errors, lots of formatting stuff.
take that rapists
4499471 Hell no! They deserve worse!
Burn them, cut out their eyes!!!!!
I am finding your characterization and overall story to be brilliant, this is one of those stories I'll most likely re-read again later. Can't wait for more!
4500073 I agree but don't forget the throat, heart, and soul.
Well if these guys had been in the U.S.E controled space they would have been shot on sight that or arrested before death by firing squad or torture depending on the crime. The U.S.E is not overly brutal about crime but murder, rape, and anything that can leave scars is punished by death. I'LL KILL THEM BOTH!
4499823
Any ideas?
4500653 Quartered? Banished to the sun where they shall burn eternally? Raped to death?
And from that day on, anon kept his weapon always by his side, right guys?
OP pls, make it happen
4502289
>not knowing what happens up to chapter 6
come on
4500546 trust me I could of gone on forever, but I was in a hurry at the time
4504377 LOL. By the way did you hear about the 11 year old who hanged himself in an attempt to commit suicide because people bullied him about liking My Little Pony?
Not sure if anyone saw this but ..
Out would be Our right?
4499471
4499823
4500653
4501273
I'm going to argue for this whole incident being classified as high treason, at least for the one stupid enough to actually be caught in the act. The traditional punishment for which would be beheading with a sword or an axe, either of which are "honorable" ways for a Nobleman to be executed. For this particular incident, probably after a gelding. If the king and/or queen are feeling particularly vindictive, after a healthy bout of torture and a nice stay of a month or so in the oubliette. And for additional "fun", if the two want to make a point to the nobility over this whole affair, about exactly how unacceptable they considers this kind of behavior to be, they could even revoke the noble titles of the two if they're actual titled nobles, and not just a scion of one of the noble houses. Possibly even granting one of the titles to Anon, if they wants to be really vindictive about it.
As for Anon, this would pretty much puts the final nail in any doubts that the king and queen may be harboring over Anon's loyalty and dedication to the sisters in general and Celestia in particular. If I was the King, I'd formally knight Anon, assuming I didn't think there would be a risk of an imminent uprising on the part of the nobility over knighting not only a commoner, but a foreigner to boot. At the very least I'd think up some kind of fancy sounding title like "Princess's Champion" and/or find him a job with a good deal more prestige and thanks then a Kitchen servant or Guard.
4506134 I think I love you.
4506142
Thanks.
4506134
Makes sense clearly you know your history. Nice to see a fellow history concourse.
4506187
While 19th century history is my major, I could have declared a medieval history one too. It was a difference of like one course. Also Crusader Kings II is great for this kind of shit.
4505316 ...... Release the hounds, those bullies are going to get it
Anon should have been an active participant in this Ball. That would have been the best way to watch over them IMO. As for what the nobles would think? Who cares. You can't let a bunch of rich fools come between you and the most important job in Equestria: Protecting Celestia and Luna.
How could you almost let them be raped Anon?
You will need to keep a better eye on who Luna hangs out with now. Celestia is already dating you, so you don't need to worry about her, but you may want to think about dating Luna as well. After all, who better to trust her with then yourself?
The new editor is good. At least, I couldn't find any mistakes.
"The fucking princess of fucking Equestia is fucking kissing you!"
Fucking best line ever
The hell is considered "classical" 1000+ years ago? Wouldn't it just be "music?"
DEATH TO THE DATE RAPISTS!
4676178 calm down
4840481
O̗͎̝͚͓͚̲̳̲ͩͯṅ̖̲̘̅̊ͣe͈̰̯͕͆̿ͥ̎ ̻͍͍͕ͣ̓̆̉̇̄̈́͌c͍͓̔ͥ̀a̲̗̟̫̩͎͍̿̈͊̊̔͑ͨn̠̬͒̆̑ͬ͆n̫̝̞̗͈̄̎̀̈́ͯͣͧ́o̻͚ͧ̂̽ͥͭ́̚t̫̩̰ͮͭͭ͂̉ͫͦ ̭͓͈̺̣̰͆s̖͍͉͔̺̝͍̃ͫͣ̆̇ȋ̠ͪ̈͋m̮̙̝͎ͮ̃p̦̭̯͖ͫl͇͔͈͕̭̄̏̀ͦ̃͆y̺̪̯̜̅̇͆͐ ͚̜͓̬͔͈̫͙̗̈́c͕̖̥̱̑̂̊h͇͚͈͐ͤ͊ͅi̟̗̯̞̬̠͓ͪ̀͗̂̾̒ͬl͎̺̳̱͙̯̱̞ͧͅl̫͉̎ͣͣͧͥͯͤ͌ ̼͚̀̂̾̔͂͛̒̀o̗̠̼̟̦͒͐͋̇ȕ͎̮͇̻͌̐ͭͩͅt̟̪̠̄̈̒ͬͅ ̜̹͉͒̈́ͪa̼͖͇͈̳̱̻̩̓̔̓̈́ͭͮ̾ͅt̖͉͕̱͖̝̺͇̅ͮ̒͊ ͕̖̥̼͗̎̈͆͂ͧ̌a͖̱̘̬̥̎͂͋̐̾ͩ́ ̝͓ͧ͆ͬṟ̦̫̝̭͈͓̮̾̔ő̟̗̾ỵ̥̻̭̟̱̤͐ͥ̒a͎̝̦ͮ̓̔̐͐l̲̜̭̯͔̬̯̑̇͋͊̾͒ ̦̗͖̠̂̌͗̚d̼̭̊͆́â̫̼̻̝̼̲̹̳̘̌̅̄̋̈t̥̞̭͐̂ͨ̍̈́͗̏̍e̝̯̰̻̩͍ͫ̎͊̇ͣ̓ ͎̤͕̩̣̮̗̞͋̋̽̑r̠͔͂͌͒̚̚̚ă̤͎̩̄ͦͤ̽̅ͤ͛p̬ͯ̍̇̄e͈̣̹ͧͅ!͕̗̱͓̺͙͈͉̳ͪ̔ͭ͛ͪ̊̓ ͍̜̱͎̠ͭ̉͗ͣ̽Y̬̫ͪ̽͒͂̈o̮̖̙̻͈ͧ͑u̥̖͕͙̫͋ͥ̏͛̅̎̏͆ ̦̜̞͙̫̬͈̖̯̏͐̒ͦͮ̉̄͑m͎̱͖͙͓̽̓̔ͭ̑̇͐u͔̦͛ͤͯs̤͔ͨ͑̓͑t̟̟͖̠ͯ̇̃͐͒̽͐ ͚̙̦̰̹̬ͪ͐̆̈́̀̎ͭͅt̝̘ͬò̙̺͚̭ͪ̋r͚̙̝̤̩ͨͬ̾̄̋̾t̹͙̍̈́͛̍ͅü̱͕͓̙̳̉͌ͣ̃r͈̗͈͛ͮ̎e̦̺̞̫͚̿̍ͣ̄ ͖͇̙͈̝͙ͦ͋å̝̺ͨ̃ͮ̑ͦ͑͂͒ň̲̼͎̼̫̱d̗̻̰̼̣͑͛̒́ͤ ̠͉̮͑͂̏͑ͫͮi͈̫̺̠̣̮̖͙̋̀̋̌ͧ̐͛̊n͙̳̯͙̠̻̱ͮ͑ͬͥͥ̇̊̽p̲̙̹̣̳̟̼̑ͬ̒̊ͧ̾ŕ͕̖̱̿̃̽̽ͮͫ̎̂i̘̝̹̞͇̩̬̫ͧ̃̾̾ͩͯ͊s̲̠͍ͦ͛̿̈o̞͎̜͚̝̠͐̋̾ͫ͛͆͂n͎͎͈̲̝̠̙̒ͭͦͮ̇̽ ̝̻̦̲̔b̘͈̼̤̱͔̄ͪ͆e̦̭͌ͣf͎̗̩̺͓̭̲͋̃̿̈͂̓̅̇ͅỏ̗̳̳̟̂ͬ̇͗ͦͦ̽ř͚̈͒̆͆͋̀̄̾e̬̰͑ͧ͑͂̈ ̻͋̈̇̌͆̓y͍̗͇̜̖̤̯̠ͣͮó̜͚͖̻̖̓͂ͣͥ̋̔̿̚u͎̿͐̿ ̙̲̻̬̅ͣc̱̥̼̟͍͗ͩ̊ͧͫ̓ȃ̤͊̒̆n͚̼̓ͤ͛̇̍̆ ̙͙̖̪̱̖ͭ̈͐̅̈f̹̱̞̟͉̋͆͋̿̓̇͑̚o̼͈̳̗̻ͥ̔́͂̐͂r͇̪͂g͉̦͐͌͊͂ͫ̆̚e͙ͪ̉ͣ̑t͎͉̬ͩ̑̑ͧ͂ͫ̄,͉̦̼͓̱̈́͊̎ͬ͛̒ ̟̘̤͕͖̲͕̖͛̆̏ͮ̋̀l̯̝͉͕̯͉̼̒ͯ̐e͙̯͖̘̰͒̑͑ͣt̞̫̞̲̗̺̯̭͆ͫͥ̇ ̝͇̗̈́a̗͖͉̗̜͇̟̯ͩl̙̘̯ͤ͊̌̉͂ͣͯͥõ̱͉̮̞̫͔̭ͧn̩̪͙͑̒́͗͊e̜̜͇̲̅͋̎͑ ̘͔̪̘̹̪͓̠̄ͨͭ̍ͯ̉ͣ͛̃f̜͌̏̆o͔͉̯͉̖͆̿͛͆ṛ͓͋̑͊͐͆ͭg̯̜̤̪͔̙̍͊̑̂̉̚i̫̩̥̭̳͒̇̐̎v̙̻̥͌̏ͥ̓̒̔̈̔e̠̞͓̪͇̩̪̥̝ͧͨ͂̈́ͣͯ!̼̣̹̝̯̤͎̌ͯͥ̄
*cringes at irony*
4506134
Agree with you. What dumbasses would want to rape royalty in their own house?
I dunno... this chapter was strange.
Try Vietnam War era MACV recondo training and then talk about it hard. Back in those days, your final initiation ritual was to do a long-range patrol through the dangerous jungle. That was to become an LRRP or 'lurrp' as people called them.
Your whole fucking job is to kill an motherfuckers that are in an unauthorized area. You are not the police you are supposedly trained military personnel, kill any asshole that tries to kill you or the authority (king, queen, minister, President, etc.)
You know some judo or jiu-jitsu would be great to know right now.
Celestia's father. Ask him for dating advice!