The Dream Thief

by rocklobster

The Sorban and Death

Twilight, Rarity, and Trixie arrived just in time. The Sorban had re-appeared. It had tentacles all over its body, which it used to ensnare its victims and rob their magic. With each attack, it had grown stronger.

"So!" the monster bellowed when it caught site of them. "They've come back! I'm hungry!"

"Luna!" Twilight exclaimed. "I have the opal!"

Luna smiled. "Toss it here!" she exclaimed.

Twilight nodded and used her horn to guide the opal to Luna.

Luna caught the opal in her mouth and tossed it into the air.

"Oh no, you don't!" the Sorban interrupted and lashed out a tentacle at them, knocking Luna down before she could use the opal.

"Luna!" Twilight ran to her mentor. She picked up the opal.

"What do I do?" Twilight asked.

Luna said "Use the opal on your horn. Concentrate dark magic on it. Hurry!"

Twilight sighed and took a deep breath. She pointed her horn at the jewel and it began to glow and disappear. Her horn turned black.
She turned and aimed at the monster. The monster felt the full force of the attack.

"No! You cannot win!"

"I think you've done enough for the night." a voice was heard. Another pony came into view. It was a gray alicorn and had jet black hair. On its flank was an ankh. It had a pleasant aura despite its appearance. It walked up to the monster, as if unafraid of it.

"No!" the Sorban cried. "Keep away!"

The pony shook her head. "You've defied me for the last time." It touched the monster with its wing. The monster gasped for breath and then let out a death rattle.

"Who?" Twilight asked.

"She's not much for fashion." Rarity said.

"You need not fear me." said the stranger. "I am not here for you. Yet."

"I was wondering if you'd show up." said Luna to the stranger.

"You know her?" Twilight said.

"Why of course I know her. She and I are quite close. Our stations are similar after all." said Luna.

"Then, tell us. who is she?" Twilight asked.

"Why, friends, I am Death." the stranger said.

Everypony gasped.

"As I said, I'm not here for you." Death giggled. "It is not time for either of you. I came to help you defeat the monster. Your attack only weakened it. I came to expire it."

"I see." Luna said. She was the only one who was unafraid of Death.

"Your student is doing quite well. I have been watching the both of you. I never thought she would do as well as you at dark magic. I hope she is aware of its consequences."

"She will not tread my path." said Luna.

"See that she doesn't." said Death. "Well, I have work to do. Farewell, friend." And with that, Death disappeared.

"How...how do you know her?" Twilight said.

"When I was exiled, Death was my only companion." said Luna. "She gave me comfort. That is her purpose. Did you truly think Death was something to be feared?"

Twilight was silent.

"Come, dawn is approaching." Celestia said.

---

The next morning, Luna greeted her student. "I am sorry that you had to meet her this early in your training."

"You mean Death?" Twilight said.

"Yes. I had hoped you would not meet her until one of your friends died. She is not as frightening as you might think."

Twilight was silent.

"In any case, you did well, my student. Same time, tomorrow night?"

Twilight nodded.

Author's Note:

For the curious, my characterization of Death comes from Neil Gaiman's Sandman comics. That's why it's female. I made her become a pony because I figured she'd take the "form you are comfortable with" approach.

Anyway, my story is now finished. Please comment or like.

Comments

[Never2muchpinkie]

I enjoyed the story but it felt too short. It didn't really bother me, but the enemies were beaten so quick. There were a few mistakes I'd like to point out. Good job. It kept my attention though, which is all I really need in a story to like it. Thumbs up for you.

Chapter 1: "P-Princess Luna!" Twilight gasped. I got here as quickly as I could. What's wrong?" Forgot start quotes after "Twilight gasped"

Chapter 2: There was an even

greater danger, for in the world of Dreaming, even alicorns were mortal, in a way. There's a space here for some reason that skips a line in the middle of the sentence

Chapter 3: The ice half blasted Twilight's target with ice. The monster was now to heavy to stand on its own and fell over. Repeated use of ice, Use a synonym. And the next sentence it should be TOO not TO

[rocklobster]

Thanks for the critique. It was short because I was testing the waters. I'm thinking of writing a longer story next time (in fact, I'm starting today! It'll involve the CMC and Babs, as well as an original character.
And thanks for pointing out those pesky typos. EEP!

[matcha cheesecake]

Well that was certainly interesting.

I liked the premise. It had a lot of potential. And a good Sandman reference/cameo is always good in my books.

And now for the bloody part of my comment...

I agree with the previous comment that it was too short and that things happened way too fast. A lot of places could've been much better if they had been drawn out, or had been written with that "show, not tell" thing writers do.

There were also a lot of redundant statements. For example:

She remembered the first thing Luna had taught her about the Dreaming.

"The first thing to remember is that there are no rules." Luna had said.

I also spotted some grammar errors, but quoting every one of them here would make this already-lengthy comment much longer. Next time, have someone look over your work. A fresh set of eyes is always helpful in spotting mistakes in writing.

Now I understand you're new and this is your first story. I recommend joining this nifty group called School for New Writers and reading the forum threads there. They have a lot of useful notes on writing how-to's.

All things considered, it's not a bad start. Good job.

EDIT: Also, when you reply to someone in the comments or forums, click the >> button on the upper right corner so they'll receive a notification that you replied to them. Otherwise, they won't see your reply and you might, erm, wonder why people are ignoring you (?). Just a tip.