When Twilight Sparkle was transformed into an alicorn, she had no idea of the responsibilities the new station it would bring. Luna began training her to fight on the dreamscape. She tried her best to attend to the lessons, but was not expecting to be tested. Now that moment has come. She and Luna are in a fight, not only for their lives, but for the lives of every unicorn and alicorn in Equestria.
"Just think of this as a pop quiz." said Luna.
"You're not helping, Luna." Twilight said.
Note: Guest appearance by a character from Neil Gaiman's Sandman comic. You do not need to have read it to understand the character, which is why I'm not labelling it as a crossover.
Chapters (4)
I enjoyed the story but it felt too short. It didn't really bother me, but the enemies were beaten so quick. There were a few mistakes I'd like to point out. Good job. It kept my attention though, which is all I really need in a story to like it. Thumbs up for you.
Chapter 1: "P-Princess Luna!" Twilight gasped. I got here as quickly as I could. What's wrong?" Forgot start quotes after "Twilight gasped"
Chapter 2: There was an even
greater danger, for in the world of Dreaming, even alicorns were mortal, in a way. There's a space here for some reason that skips a line in the middle of the sentence
Chapter 3: The ice half blasted Twilight's target with ice. The monster was now to heavy to stand on its own and fell over. Repeated use of ice, Use a synonym. And the next sentence it should be TOO not TO
Thanks for the critique. It was short because I was testing the waters. I'm thinking of writing a longer story next time (in fact, I'm starting today!
It'll involve the CMC and Babs, as well as an original character.
And thanks for pointing out those pesky typos. EEP!
Well that was certainly interesting.
I liked the premise. It had a lot of potential. And a good Sandman reference/cameo is always good in my books.
And now for the bloody part of my comment...
I agree with the previous comment that it was too short and that things happened way too fast. A lot of places could've been much better if they had been drawn out, or had been written with that "show, not tell" thing writers do.
There were also a lot of redundant statements. For example:
I also spotted some grammar errors, but quoting every one of them here would make this already-lengthy comment much longer. Next time, have someone look over your work. A fresh set of eyes is always helpful in spotting mistakes in writing.
Now I understand you're new and this is your first story. I recommend joining this nifty group called School for New Writers and reading the forum threads there. They have a lot of useful notes on writing how-to's.
All things considered, it's not a bad start. Good job.
EDIT: Also, when you reply to someone in the comments or forums, click the >> button on the upper right corner so they'll receive a notification that you replied to them. Otherwise, they won't see your reply and you might, erm, wonder why people are ignoring you (?).
Just a tip.