I will write shit fanfics from time to time...
Charma, an already unstable unicorn decides that she needs to senselessly abuse other ponies... Why you may ask? I haven't the slightest clue.
*CONTAINS!*
Blood 'n guts
Mediocre writing
COVER BY: http://fadedbloodstain.deviantart.com/
GO ENJOY HER WORK! SHE IS GOOD AT WHAT SHE DOES! BLAH BLAH BLARG
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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[This review was written from the perspective of someone who's very cynical and jaded and possibly a little insane...much like this story. Enjoy!]
The first thing I did while reading this story and getting bored of the heavy handed fourth wall breaking was open up a new tab and look up what Charma means. The dictionary spat out Karma which is what I thought it was but with an elitist spelling. Then urban dictionary took me around a corner and showed me what it really means. It's a person who believes their charm is a super power only they possess only instead of doing something useful with it like becoming the next Mad Man or something they just use it to pick up women/men. Or something like that. I think this story has broken all the walls in my brain while trying to find the fourth one to make some comment it thinks is funny...I don't know how Spring ties into anything but then again I'm not the one swinging hammers around and breaking reality.
Okay story you say this special little snowflake with the amazing charisma powers is going to murder someone. Let's see it then...why are you yanking my collar back and dragging me backwards in time an hour. I don't know anything about this Charma Spring whoever except that he/she (I forget which) lives with two pegasus ponies and has friends who are apparently kind of racist about it. So instead of build up your character and make me interested you're just going to throw me around time and space showing me shit that will probably explain nothing? FINE! Let's get on with it.
Potato Flank...is that supposed to be an insult? Like saying someone has a saggy ass? ...You're weird story. Very weird. Alright weird names aside at least I now know a little more about the main character. She's a drunken mess with one eye. Story can I ask you something? Are you okay? You've been acting very weird these last few paragraphs. Going from awkward fourth wall jokes and none information to slapping me over the head with a sad main character who's probably got a troubled past and a disability. Moving on!
Yes story please tell me about this quote unquote blind spot. Yes this does seem like the best time to know after bringing it up. No I don't want to find out in a normal manner with suspense and learning slowly through character development how Charma deals with it and how it affects her life before it's finally drawn out of her in a dramatic way so we can feel closer to this character...that was very long winded. No I'd rather have god tell me when I don't really care because it was brought up only a few sentences ago and it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Wait what...so we go from lying to lesbianism to necrophilia? You kind of escalated multiple unrelated topics right there. This is why I think you need help story!
Okay why is she blind? An accident...well at least god is gone for now. Thank you for taking time out to explain in boring uninterested details something that would have been much more interesting to learn through natural character development. Why would I want to hear her explain it to one character then later in the story explain it in a different way to another character and then I can be like, "wait that's not how it happened? Now I'm interested!" No you told me thus ruining that experience. Thank you!
And that's were this little game of mine ends. Frankly put, your story is a mess of random ideas and schizophrenic writing. I thought I would come here and give some helpful advice but what I found was an amazing experience into the mind of a crazy story. What you should take away from my long winded rant is that you can't force character development through wacky god fourth wall breaking. And you shouldn't force wacky god fourth wall breaking into a serious story with a main character who's a killer/alcoholic/disabled (unless you're Deadpool I guess...). One of the few good things I can say is that you have some modicum of style, though it's horribly unrefined and disjointed. Get a proofreader and try to flesh out your ideas into something with more consistency than soggy bread. Truth be told I don't really want to post this because it's very mean and ranty but I think it will help you grow as a writer. Good luck to you.