Charma's adventure!

by potatoflankthefailular

Chapter one: Charma's spree begins

A blueish mare trotted outside of her cottage, which she shared with two other ponies. Both pegasi to be exact. But despite the race difference, the mare being a unicorn and not a pegasus the three ponies got along most of the time. But that's aside the point. This mare, respectively named Charma Springs is going out to do what she does best... Murder. Now, as a reader you may see this as foolish, being that there are many stories about certain ponies going mad and eating the flesh of fillies or baking rainbow maned friends into cupcakes, but here is where you're wrong Mr. Reader. This murder is not out of mental illness, revenge or hunger for the tenderized meat of an unsuspecting foal. No. This murder is out of complete free will, which Charma delves greatly in. The idea where a pony can do whatever he or she desires. This idea is held deep in Charma's heart and today she is going to express it, no matter the consequences at hoof.
She was going to kill at least one pony by sundown and that was final.

Lets skip back an hour and see where our Charma is at currently

Charma woke up with a jolt, sunshine hitting her messed up brown mane. The mare lay on her couch which she usually sleeps in, cider bottles scattered everywhere. "Uhg... Where Potato Flank and Faded?" Charma mumbled to herself, looking around for her two roommates. Charma then sees a letter in the corner of her good eye which read "Dear Charma: Went out for lunch. Don't forget to stay out of trouble signed, Faded and Potato Flank" Charma then giggled at the stupidity in such a comment. "Looks like I'm going to have to be forgetful today" Charma remarked, laughing at her sad excuse of a joke "Well... I guess it's time to get ready..." Charma remarks to herself before getting up and trudging to the bathroom, which was also littered with empty cider bottles. "Hm... I wonder what happened last night" And with that, vivid memories flash through Charma's mind of other ponies who seem like complete strangers in her mind, voices tauntingly laughing at her, slowly getting louder... And louder... And louder... Until the sound is interrupted by a loud smash dragging her away from the unusual visions. Shaking her head, she realizes the crash was from a lone bottle which she accidentally hit, not knowing where it was being that it was in her blind spot.

Allow us to pause for a moment while our favorite mare tidies up

Now, what is with this "Blind spot" we just saw remarked? Well... I guess it's the best time of any to tell you in this story, Charma has only one good eye. She is completely blind in one eye. It's a blessing she can see out of the other one. Now, you may be asking "Where did she get this supposed blind eye, Narrator? Huh, can you answer that?!" Well... No. I can't. Due to Charma's lying nature it's damn near impossible to get a straight fact out of her. One moment she enjoys dating mares. The next she is kissing a dead body of a tailor she recently murdered. The only thing we know about this blind eye is that it was an accident. Somedays she says she got it in a fight and slipped and landed on their knife, other times she says she got it in a mining accident and rarely she says she got it in a serious pug racing accident where one pug lost control and crashed directly into her eye, causing severe scarring and retinal detachment but nopony can truly put their hoof on to as of why she is like this. Oh, would you look at that. This mare is all ready to go kill a pony. Now you may enjoy the story uninterrupted my gabbering about what is what. If you excuse me I have a minigolf game to attend.

Back in reality

Charma then trotted out of the cottage which she resided on the outskirts of Ponyville. The glorious springtime sun shined onto the mare's newly brushed mane and fresh smelling coat, free of rustled fur, almost dying to become stained again. But that would have to wait, for Charma has some chores to do.

Walking down the dirt road, the mare whistled a tune that was new to her, and that's all that mattered at the moment. Charma then approached the marketplace and went to the pastry section. Charma would usually go to Sugarcube Corner but she felt that today was more of a "Buy stuff from a stand" sort of day. When she approached the stand, she was greeted by another unicorn, a mare to be more exact.

"Why hello there, what can I get you this fine day?" The teal mare chimed in a sing song voice.

"I'll have five cinnamon rolls, please" Charma replied.

"Alright, will you need any help with that?" The mare said, pulling out the requested five cinnamon rolls.

"Actually, yes, I will" Charma said, realizing the luck she struck with this mare

"Okay, you lead the way!" The mare happily replied. And with that, the mare was lead by Charma to an abandoned apartment complex, several miles from the market place. "Y-You sure this is the place?" The mare said, voice quivering out of fear of the unknown.

"Of course it is. Actually, here is my apartment right here" Charma said, motioning to a room that lacked a room number. She then bumped the door with her hoof, revealing a room that seemed to stay still as time did it's job, withering away wallpapers and wood products. "Just set them on that table" The blue mare then motions to the coffee table.

"Th-That'll be 14 bits" The scared mare said, expecting her pay so she can go home and cry or something.

"Here is where the problem lies... I'm not actually buying" Charma says, walking closer the the already petrified mare "I'm here for something more fun. Bloodlust, some ponies might say" Charma whispered, already snout to snout with the mare. The mare then illuminates her horn and pushes Charma away, but then fails when Charma counters with a slashing spell, slicing a deep cut into the mare's lower leg.

"W...Why?" The mare says, bleeding a crimson blood all over the floor

"Because I can" Charma snarls before doing another slash, cutting the throat of the mare, spraying the deep red all over the room ending with her now lifeless body hitting the dirty and now blood stained floor with a thud. Charma then drags the body with her magic and rests it on the couch which is set in front of a shattered television. "Hm... 8:30? I still have time for a few more ponies" Charma says before taking a bite of a cinnamon roll and sitting next to the recently living pony, still idly cutting the mare's legs up just for the hell of it.

Author's Note:

Kay... I have no idea what I was thinking but... Here is the story so far. Yes there are going to be more chapters... But not in a day's timespan. I want to make this a project where I try to make a slightly (And I mean slightly) Serious story. And that will likely take time. The estimated chapters... Hmm... 3 at most... Or 4.... You never know.

Comments

[Sir Thursday]

[This review was written from the perspective of someone who's very cynical and jaded and possibly a little insane...much like this story. Enjoy!]

The first thing I did while reading this story and getting bored of the heavy handed fourth wall breaking was open up a new tab and look up what Charma means. The dictionary spat out Karma which is what I thought it was but with an elitist spelling. Then urban dictionary took me around a corner and showed me what it really means. It's a person who believes their charm is a super power only they possess only instead of doing something useful with it like becoming the next Mad Man or something they just use it to pick up women/men. Or something like that. I think this story has broken all the walls in my brain while trying to find the fourth one to make some comment it thinks is funny...I don't know how Spring ties into anything but then again I'm not the one swinging hammers around and breaking reality.

Okay story you say this special little snowflake with the amazing charisma powers is going to murder someone. Let's see it then...why are you yanking my collar back and dragging me backwards in time an hour. I don't know anything about this Charma Spring whoever except that he/she (I forget which) lives with two pegasus ponies and has friends who are apparently kind of racist about it. So instead of build up your character and make me interested you're just going to throw me around time and space showing me shit that will probably explain nothing? FINE! Let's get on with it.

Potato Flank...is that supposed to be an insult? Like saying someone has a saggy ass? ...You're weird story. Very weird. Alright weird names aside at least I now know a little more about the main character. She's a drunken mess with one eye. Story can I ask you something? Are you okay? You've been acting very weird these last few paragraphs. Going from awkward fourth wall jokes and none information to slapping me over the head with a sad main character who's probably got a troubled past and a disability. Moving on!

Yes story please tell me about this quote unquote blind spot. Yes this does seem like the best time to know after bringing it up. No I don't want to find out in a normal manner with suspense and learning slowly through character development how Charma deals with it and how it affects her life before it's finally drawn out of her in a dramatic way so we can feel closer to this character...that was very long winded. No I'd rather have god tell me when I don't really care because it was brought up only a few sentences ago and it doesn't seem like that big of a deal. Wait what...so we go from lying to lesbianism to necrophilia? You kind of escalated multiple unrelated topics right there. This is why I think you need help story!

Okay why is she blind? An accident...well at least god is gone for now. Thank you for taking time out to explain in boring uninterested details something that would have been much more interesting to learn through natural character development. Why would I want to hear her explain it to one character then later in the story explain it in a different way to another character and then I can be like, "wait that's not how it happened? Now I'm interested!" No you told me thus ruining that experience. Thank you!

And that's were this little game of mine ends. Frankly put, your story is a mess of random ideas and schizophrenic writing. I thought I would come here and give some helpful advice but what I found was an amazing experience into the mind of a crazy story. What you should take away from my long winded rant is that you can't force character development through wacky god fourth wall breaking. And you shouldn't force wacky god fourth wall breaking into a serious story with a main character who's a killer/alcoholic/disabled (unless you're Deadpool I guess...). One of the few good things I can say is that you have some modicum of style, though it's horribly unrefined and disjointed. Get a proofreader and try to flesh out your ideas into something with more consistency than soggy bread. Truth be told I don't really want to post this because it's very mean and ranty but I think it will help you grow as a writer. Good luck to you.