- Member Since 5th Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 12th, 2013
SergeantBuck
I'm a student at DigiPen with some skills in music, art, programming, and particularly writing. I've written a variety of fanfics, usually involving ponies in some form or another.
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Just one thing to comment.
The Enter button is your friend.
Seriously, spacing this into blocks of text makes it easier to read.
I... Aside from the walls of text, I just don't get it. Humanized is... Okay, but why is EVERYPONY humanized? Why not just... Oh fuck it never mind.
382232
What's more, the narrative seems to jump between claiming they're ponies (mentioning their tails) and then going right back to talking about them as though they're human. I got confused a couple of times, thinking they were freaky half-human, half-pony hybrids.
Maybe that's what they are in this story, and it's really meant to be more of a squicky horror story than just an outright clopfic.
382337 I noticed that as well, but I figured they were anthromorphic. Which is pretty much half-pony half-human creatures. But, either way.
382217 One of my game design classes made me write essays with a format like that. I couldn't stand it. I see it everywhere on FIMfiction and the only thing that makes it bearable is the content of what I'm reading. I'm much more used to seeing my work stylized like a normal story.
382337
I spent SO LONG trying to catch every little "mane," "tail," and "everypony" and change it to something normal. A good four to five hours at least. Hard to believe I let a few slip through the cracks and completely screw the story up. 
382341 That's what the initial draft was, but FIMfiction doesn't have an "anthro" category, so I assumed that I had to pick between one or the other. "Human" seemed the best way to avoid completely rewriting it. Still can't believe I screwed it up
And damn it all, manually entering face types! Putting the last half of Chapter 2 in italics...
382468
Oh hey, you're a game design student, too?!
/)*(\
Right on!
As for writing this, I suggest that if you intend on going back to change those details, have a friend help you. They tend to catch everything you miss, and might even come up with better ideas to help your story become more interesting.
For other critique, I can safely say that Nitro has a good point about spacing the paragraphs. The human eye is a lazy object, and hates having to take in so much at once; it's the reason we can't stare at anything that's too bright. Think of your story as a huge steak: in order to eat it, it needs to be chopped into smaller portions that can easily fit in your mouth. Since no one can eat a great big side of beef in one bite, this is what needs to be done--so keep your paragraphs apart, in neat little bites.
As for the content of this fic... eh. Clopfics aren't really my thing. It's just porn. And the thing I hate most about porn is that it really robs the mystique and beauty from the act of sex, leaving it only with the primal brutality. (i know it isn't meant to be taken seriously and that it's just fantasy, but still, there's more to sex than "Insert Rod A Into Slot B.")
I just get the feeling there should be more going on than just the physical aspect of sex, y'know? Like the emotions going on. Except well, throughout a lot of this, they're drunk.
By the way, why does everybody think AJ is gay for RD? I'll never figure that out...
382525
Huzzah! /)*(\
1) I don't exactly have a lot of friends that I just show this off to. It's a bit embarrassing.
2) But...isn't that what indenting is for? Gaps between large paragraphs I can handle at least, but a gap between every line of dialogue breaks the flow to me.
3) For all intents and purposes, this was basically writing a sleazy porno-style story for me. Nothing much more than that. I ain't too good at capturing all the raw emotion of sex, so I go for the next best thing (if you can even call it that).
You want something a little more emotional? I tried my hand at a sad fic involving Luna. Clop-free, even. The results were...mixed.
382525 To whoever invented the Ctrl-F function: "I LOVE YOU!"
382578
"2) But...isn't that what indenting is for? Gaps between large paragraphs I can handle at least, but a gap between every line of dialogue breaks the flow to me."
I agree, honestly. I've actually found it a bit infuriating the way people format on this site. Double spacing, even just between paragraphs and lines of dialogue, should stay in high school essays. Stories should be properly indented, not stretched down the page needlessly. It breaks immersion, is irritating to read if you're an avid reader and used to the more condensed style of novels, and is just generally unnecessary. I can never help but feel like people are trying to make their stories look longer by formatting them improperly, despite that it seems to be common practice here.
But I digress. Nice story, and I'm happy to see a decent bloody OC. Good gods am I ever tired of the ones typically spawned by this fandom. Not long before we descend into the terrifying realms of Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and the like, with black and red manes to boot. I'd try to give some actual critique on the story, but I'm basically just taking some time to delude myself about the impending doom that is my CS final project which is nowhere near completion.
I guess I'll come back and do that another time when it's not 2am and I'm not running entirely on caffeine and stubborn pride.
384534 Amen to that, my friend. You're talking to an ex-programmer turned artist after he found out that he liked writing fiction WAY MORE than lines of code.
What exactly makes Sonic fall under "decent?" Just the fact that he's not "Oh, I love you [INSERT CHARACTER HERE]!" I put all the development into him of...well, nothing. I have a tendency to pull OCs out of the air just to act as characters in the story, like if I pointed at a background pony and said "You! Get up here!"
384544 Hah, I'm kinda the inverse. I write, but mostly as a hobby. I want to get into independent game development, but I've never aspired to write for a living. Out of curiosity, have you ever tried the 3-Day Novel competition? I love to do it, but I have yet to actually find another contestant with whom to discuss it lol. Anyone I talk to has either never heard of or is scared by it.
Okay, maybe I wanted to be a professional author for a little while, but I much prefer the thought of making games.
Exactly that, really. There's not much characterization, but realistically there doesn't need to be. This isn't a long story, it's not focused on romance or on a continuing plot, you just needed an average Joe who fit the plausible-scenario bill. A live-alone kid with musical aspirations and a penchant for partying works.
To put it bluntly, he was a character attached to a dick. It would have taken away from the story to go more in depth with him, so it's good to have left him as he was.
That said, some people manage to go nuts even for the little things. Unless it's relevant to the core of the story, there's no sense in making one-off characters particularly special. They should be quirky, yes. That makes them identifiable. To use another fic I read recently for reference, Callisto's Deep Water and Desire; the protagonist is an earth pony who tends to a lake. As such he can hold his breath for a fair while and has an affinity for the water. He doesn't need to be some sea-pony hybrid, doesn't need to have been born with a third lung by some genetic mistake, and most certainly does not need to be an alicorn (if you go by fanfiction you can't throw a brick without hitting some long-lost relative of Luna's, I swear). He is notable but not special. Sonic is the same way. Different enough that one can picture him actually engaging in a life outside being an author's puppet, but not so notable that he is unbelievable.
I hope that sorta clears up what I meant haha.
Edit: Of course I forgot something lol. It was also nice, yeah, that Octavia and Scratch weren't just all "Oh Sonic, you complete me!" or something like that. Two ex-lovers both need relief, and I can see them being more than content to share their mutual student to sate their baser needs. Porn, in any sense, is typically lacking in plot. No, some chick at a bus stop isn't going to blow you 'cause she's horny. The chick you've known for months, who's comfortable around you, and is at once tipsy, horny, and being egged on by her lover? Plausible. Just because porn typically has no believable plot doesn't mean it shouldn't.
3 Day Novel, eh? I spent a week writing Firesprite and I stopped halfway during the third chapter when I realized I was pulling far too many details from random bits of Firefly as opposed to ponifying the episodes as I had intended. I don't think I could manage a novel in three days. I'm lucky if I make eight pages.
As far as how writing ties in with my aspirations as a game designer, I'd like to imagine myself as the guy that designs the characters of the game world, or on a larger scale, be in charge of designing the world itself.
I hadn't given any thought to making the whole scenario seem remotely plausible. I just let it happen. I knew full well I wanted to avoid the whole thing of "Two strange women show up at your door and let themselves into your house. You come home to find them making out on the couch and suddenly they want you to join in." Makes some of the other fics I've done seem...meh.
For whatever reason, I try to avoid recycling characters. It's more fun to write for a new character than reuse one, or so I feel. I did recycle one character for two stories just to add some comedic element to the whole thing, which ended up with me making the ending terribly short. Yay for crash courses in writing.
384643 Yeah, it's a bit of a pain haha. My best so far was 116 pages, I think. I, uh, learned the hard way that I'm not to be invited out anywhere after 3 days of not sleeping. Turns out I hallucinate not saying things. Like every dirty joke that runs through my head. At dinner. With my best friend and her boyfriend... And her parents.
Awkward.
That's mostly where my writing tends to go into it as well. I love creating, that way, but I find just plain writing too... I dunno. It can't always convey what images, moving or static, can. I've considered trying comics to see if that's more my literary speed, but I can't draw, and comics aren't wordy enough.
I think designing the universe, the backstories, the bios, the legends-- all of that is enough to fulfil my urge to write, and then I can show the story visually, with player interaction, to accurately portray it as I see it. That's what bugs me about writing-- I can't show all the little intricacies that I want to, like the way a character moves or how they do X or the subtle reactions other have or exactly how it looks when he blows everything the fuck up. Well, I can, but then my pacing would get to be like Tolkien's. Brilliant in creating his worlds, but he couldn't pace a story to save his life.
Again I kinda have the opposite issue lol, I attach myself to one character in all the little scenarios that play through my head when I can't write short stories. Before too long that character is practically a god because of all the different ideas I stick them in as I muse. I need to use varied characters more to avoid them going god-mode.
Sounded like some fun times there. I don't think I could endure 72 hours of straight writing. Not before a blood vessel bursts in my neck from overconsumption of energy drinks.
Fiction writing became my creative outlet when I got sick of coding. My first few fics were well recieved on FanFiction.net, but after a semester of two creative writing classes, I re-read them and found them to be TERRIBLE. As an outlet, it works. Sure, I can't express every detail I want but I try to at least leave enough for readers to fill in the gaps. I end up having more fun trying to describe the intricacies, like the sexual positions in this story. I could say "reverse cowgirl" or "they did it on the couch," but that's too short and someone will eventually ask "What's that mean?"
I haven't sat down and tried designing a universe yet. It gets out of control too fast for me and lose track of things or forget that I created World X or Y. Backstories are cool, and I have a book I occasionally use for rolling up a character's background with dice, omitting any strange details unless I'm using said character for a tabletop RPG. It's a good book for figuring out certain details of a literary character's background, but using it to make their entire backstory gets crazy.
I guess I get sick of my characters when I write about them, but instead of killing them off I simply ignore them :P
Since when have you been here? Anyway, you're still doing a fantastic job.
669572 Probably a few months now. Give the other fics a read, would ya? I've got a bunch added on now. This may end up being my primary fiction account.
669592 When I get some time I'll get to that.
MORE FUCKING CHAPTERS
I know this story!
Ho.
Ly.
Buck.
I have no words fit now besides those two. :O
Everyone who see's this lets start a poll like thing.
Like this comment because cheese and crackers go good together if you want more chapters
Or dislike it if you don't want more of this.
Reply if you like sandwiches and felt like replying because why not.
I died laughing at this...it was too perfect.
So... is there more from this couple???? Or a sequel???