Rainbow Falls (Rewritten)

by MD Webster

Chapter 4

Fleetfoot punched the finishing cloud and the Markspony stopped the cloud with twenty seconds to spare. Then Fleetfoot landed on the cloud and brohoof Spitfire.

Spitfire turned to Soarin, “How’s your wing?”

“It’s a little hurt but I’m okay,” said Soarin through the cheering crowd that made Spitfire more proud of her teammate. Soarin turned to the next team as the Markspony reseted the clock, “Go Ponyville!”

Rainbow Dash made to her position with her wings flapping on her mark. She watched as Bulk Biceps started to fly from the starting line. The crowd cheered on as so far, Bulk is doing good but she’s getting worried about the sharp turn. She eyed on the two hoops with a ninety degree angle as Bulk flew closer. Then he passed the first hoop as Rainbow eyes widened as Bulk angled himself toward the next hoop and then passed the second with no trouble. Rainbow exhaled with relief as he proceeded to pass the baton to Fluttershy as the clock has thirty-six seconds left.

Rainbow Dash is now waiting for her teammate to tag her. Her mind rigid with anticipation as her eyes fixed on Fluttershy. Fluttershy makes a turn proceeding another set of hoops, gripping on the horseshoe. Rainbow hovers around as the wind blew on her calming her nerves even from the noise of the crowd. Then she spotted Fluttershy soaring towards her making a relay tag. The clock winded down as the hand passed the twenty second mark and Fluttershy holds up the horseshoe as Rainbow responded with her hoof. Rainbow holds her breath in tense as the two teammates passed the baton.

Then she took off the second the baton passed on. The arrow on the clock is running fifteen seconds left. Rainbow Dash darted through the rainbow hoops. Ten seconds, Dash made a turn, shooting another set of hoops. Rainbow exhaled her breath then inhaled as seven second ticks. Her excitement aroused as she hit every mark then rockets up towards the finish-line.

She frequently breathed in, her eyes are careful not to lose sight and her trap is shut tight. The clock is ticking three seconds and her rainbow dart aimed at the finish line on a cloud. Dash is near her target; Then as she made true contact and punctured through the cloud, leaving a marked hole. Then she turned to the markspony.

Her ears jerks open as marks-colt stopped the clock, then markspony looked at the clock and said these words, “Ponyville qualifies!”

Her eyes brightened and her lip gapped as she made a loop-de-loop and shouted, “Yeah! We did it!”

The crowd cheered as the rest of Ponyville applauded including Pinkie, who has been cheering with the Cloudsdale cheerleaders held a banner read, “GO RAINBOW DASH!!!”

Applejack putted down her chewed apple betty as she cried out, “Yee-Haw!”

Then a few moments later, Rainbow and the rest of her team standing on the podium awaiting for the medal given to them. The medalpony gave to the team next to them then he gave them three medals and congratulated them.

The Ponyville residence joined with them as the photographer setting up the camera.

Spitfire paused the camera to a hold then she came up to Rainbow Dash and pulled out a golden Wonderbolt Badge. Rainbow couldn't help but have the tears welded up in her eyes. Then the Wonderbolts flew out of sight.

Then as the photographer started to get the photo ready, Twilight smiled at Rainbow for she knew Rainbow made herself a good decision.

Then Twilight said, “Equestria Games, here we come!”

Finally the group was together, even Derpy holding up the flag, smile for the camera as it flashed.

-------------------

Then back at Ponyville, Rainbow, in the Golden Oaks Library, placed a photo on the friendship journal then she pick up a pencil with her mouth and she wrote down:

Oh, I can’t deny it. I love to make into the games, flying with my heroes and win. But I was torn between my friends and the Wonderbolts and it was so hard to choose what is right to be in one team or the other. Even as much as I love winning, I chose stick with my hard working friends. Who knows, there would be something waaaaay more ahead.

Then dropped her pencil and hanged her medal on the pedestal to join with her friends outside. But as she does, the golden badge, pinned on the medal, shined bright rainbow colors.

Comments

[Norm De Plume]

Nope. This is just a very, very bad rewrite of an episode. You have tense switches, spelling errors, and outright homonym abuse and misunderstandings all over the place.

This Is Terrible. I can't begin to list everything wrong with it or I'll be here all night.

Then drop her pencil and hanged her medal with a badge pinned on to join with her friends outside. But as she does, the golden badge shines bright rainbow colors.

This paragraph alone uses three tenses in two sentences. How on earth did this even make it past the moderating guidelines?

[MD Webster]

4312876
As you looked at it. Nope.
But I'll admit yes.
Sorry, if it offends you.

4312915
Oops, maybe I should find myself an editor or something.

[Norm De Plume]

4312970

That's a good idea. Try the Writing Group or "Proofreaders Wanted" to see if anyone's willing to glance at it and help you out.

Although you might need a hook other than 'it's a re-write' that's a literal re-write from beginning to end to interest other readers.

[MD Webster]

4312983
More than just a re-write.
How do you propose to do that?

[Norm De Plume]

4313142

Well, you can include details from before or after the episode. Or follow one of the other ponies as she walks through the episode beside Rainbow Dash.

But fanfiction tells the stories *outside* and *around* episodes of the show. People have watched Rainbow Falls (and it's one of my favorite episodes) and may not find the blow-by-blow retelling all that interesting. You need to catch their attention with something else.

[MD Webster]

4313186
Oh, Are you saying that I should write it from a different pony's point of view?
You see, my choice for this fiction would be like an adaption/analyzing along with the 'what if' scenario.
But, I suppose this will do, for I had move on to another project.

[Norm De Plume]

4313220

Look at it this way: Many people who come to FimFiction have seen the episode (I'm finding more who haven't, oddly). They're looking for a new tack on it and the more they enjoy your own particular take on that experience.

Or go do your other project, if it's calling you. :D

[MD Webster]

4313230
Well, I'll suppose call this take my exercise on writing.
If you look at my other projects, I wouldn't be surprised if you find them, for lack for a better word, worse.

[FoxfanMLP22]

You know what...
I'm okay with this.
I mean okay, this is your 1st experience of rewriting an episode, fixing some problems, and few problems are still there (For Example; Spike didn't go with them.), but still, it's actually a pretty good decent rewrite fanfic, Not Amazing, but good.

[MD Webster]

5139825
Thank you very much.

[FoxfanMLP22]

5139869 You're Welcome.

[MD Webster]

5847305
Thank you. That is almost kind of the purpose for writing this.

[Theresa hall]

The biggest flaws weren't with the wonderbolts but rarity and applejack. The players have to practice in order to at least make a qualifying time but they were being distracted by them while they were practicing.