Equestria has fallen to the Caribou and has been plunged into a dark age of sexual slavery and wickedness. However, through the selfish actions of a young caribou mage something arrives to change everything. Or rather, someone arrives.
I can't help it... I hear Straken as Kate Mulgrew.
This is so fucking good, man. Yeah, the mechanics are a bit wonky, with some run-on sentences, awkward phrasing, and comma splices, but you have really fleshed out the world. Keep up the great work, dude!
Orthodox strikes me as the type of person you really wouldn't want to piss off...ever.
I'm enjoying this fiction by the way, thoroughly enjoying the creative ways that Orthodox finds to kill things. Waiting to see the next chapter with baited breath, things are clearly going to get worse before they get better.
I never did like this universe, there is so much screwed up crud in it it's disturbing. Wonder what Freud would say if he ever had to put its creator on the couch?
I really like Orthodox, one of the best things about this fic. An artist, indeed.
So Cadence and the Crystal Empire are still as they should be? Good, some escaped. Considering how strong her powers seem at the moment, I'm assuming Shining also escaped corruption?
The entire Crystal Empire is shielded. The Caribou are laying siege to it in an attempt to break it. I thought that with their tight-knit community and with Cadence and Shining's shield that they would hold out longer. In the canon Fall of Equestria I believe that the Crystal Empire fell first but screw the rules.
4155429 Huh. The site didn't alert me of your reply. Weird.
Anyway, your points are mostly valid, but there's a bit of nuance that could be touched upon. It's true that almost all rapier styles utilized cutting, it's not the slash kind of cutting. It's more of a modified thrust, where instead of puncturing your enemy, you slide your edge against them.
The rapier is all about efficiency. Swinging your blades around and clanging them together is not efficient. It's much better to just stab them while they're slashing about in the air.
About the kill thing; yeah, he definitely shouldn't have died immediately. But, he was stabbed in the heart, so it would have been quick and bloody. You see, all of the hits Inigo landed were repaying what the six fingered man did to him. He cut his face in the same places he was cut, stabbed his arms in the same places he was stabbed, and then finished him off in the same way his father was killed.
Again, he wouldn't have died immediately, but with the shock of having a hole going through his heart, he can be forgiven for falling down and not saying anything.
Besides, it's a movie. There must be some suspension of disbelief.
"Did I ever tell ya'll 'bout the time my buddy, Keith, had an AP mine strapped to him and was mind-controlled by some midget alien to-" "Ellis, the hell you've been smokin' son?"
My first thought when I got to the part where Orthodox rigs Keith up.
Also, noticed quite a few missing capitals and commas. Might want someone to preread that?
Revenge is a dish best served raw, and still dripping red.
4158704 It's what several people fail to understand about Discord. There is a very real difference between evil, and self interest. The two can often coincide, but correlation does not equal causation. You can make an argument that Discord still isn't a nice guy even today. He agreed to change everything back not because he was a good guy, but because he'd lose Fluttershy's friendship. He did it because he would have lost something he wanted, not because of altruism.
Yes, this is the first time I've ever demanded 'more' of something. I feel horrible, but this fic is just too good to put down. It is satisfaction at its finest, as well as being unintentionally sexy.
I am going to write more, thing is since I got three chapters of this out at once I neglected my other stuff. I'm going through and updating them first but I will continue to work on this.
4206272 There is no original fic. The Fallverse is based off a tumblr blog called "Fall of Equestria". I would personally avoid it, if I were you. Speaking from experience, the source material isn't very good in any respect, other than as simple slavery fantasy porn.
Eh, no need to worry about the lack of Nigel (which may or may not change, it's still early in the fic after all...) but some of the other characters due to be introduced probably will suffice.
While yes, I admit that Discord might help the Caribou at first, he doesn't seem the sort to take the second podium. Somewhere along the line he must plan a way to take control, sitting on the sidelines is not really his thing.
Now, should I try and go for a gritty, dark feel for this fic (suitable for the source material)... Or should I just continue with the eccentric characters and over-the-top Caribou slaughter for the laughs?
I mean, my stuff does get silly (this fic is a shining example of that) but I feel like I'm going too far and that I should dial it back due to the topics in it.
Hmm, I guess so. I'm still going to keep the insane characters, but I like to think the cold professionalism of the Colonel balences out the crazy of the ISA.
Like the 'White cop/minority cop' Hollywood method.
Still, I think I'll try and develop the pony characters a little more as well.
Dropbear, you brilliant motherfucker. I should've known this was your doing as soon as I saw the (in need of a touch up, syntatically speaking) writing style, but it took me until the mention of Chalmers in the first chapter for the coin to drop.
I want to see more of this now, and I agree with Permanent Temporary, keep the mood dark and befitting of the fucked up aspect of Fall Of Equestria. Leave the predominant silliness to Nigel and let Orthodox be pure brutality with only a moderate touch of humor.
Firstly: Curse my English! I'm not sure if I should be glad or worried at your ability to identify stuff I write by my syntax errors.
Secondly: Yes, more will come, and I do think that I will keep the dark setting. There's mentions elsewhere, but Orthodox was in the same ISA squad (before they all went into different fields) as Chalmers. You can see some of the connection between the two, but yes, Orthodox is by far the most pyschopathic of the bunch.
4393690 Eh, Straken has a part to play, already seen as the more level-headed of the two. I do have a plan for this fic, whether that plan will survive the execution is anotehr matter.
4394079 I'll correct myself: it's not a syntax thing. It's style. Aside from typos here and there, the main problem with your writing is that you seem to be irredeemably in love with subordinate clauses (you know, the verbs ending with -ing). Once in a while is fine, but you use it almost religiously in every sentence. You can make shorter full sentences, don't fret. See here:
Most gave up and went about naked, the changelings never making an attempt to clothe themselves in the first place.
You can easily change that to:
Most gave up and went about naked, while the changelings never made an attempt to clothe themselves in the first place.
Doesn't it sound fresher to read, in a sense? Other things are: • The overusage of "as" (yours isn't that bad, though, and easy to repair: when you're feeling tempted to use "as", try writing "while", read it out loud and see how it sounds. If it's good, go ahead, and if not, try using "and" or a semicolon [a slightly longer pause than a comma, good when you want to use two unrelated thoughts in the same sentence]). See here:
“That’s horrible,” Maple commented before noticing the small changeling standing near them. The three mares, Blueblood and Straken turned towards the creature as the changeling bowed her head towards Straken.
"while" sure as hell doesn't fit. Correcting it:
“That’s horrible,” Maple commented before noticing the small changeling standing near them. The three mares, Blueblood and Straken turned towards the creature, and the changeling bowed her head towards Straken.
See? • The over-reliance on commas (there are more punctuation signs out there, and a good deal of them may be more appropriate). I'll give you a semicolon example:
The changelings had all stayed in a group in one corner, despite Straken’s recommendations the ponies and changelings still gave each other a wide berth.
With the correction:
The changelings had all stayed in a group in one corner; despite Straken’s recommendations, the ponies and changelings still gave each other a wide berth.
Try and read both out loud now. These are a vice, and you may not even notice them when you're writing (I know all too well). An editor would do you a lot of good... and if you already have one, get a better one, 'cause he's not doing a good enough job.
But as always, the plot is solid and plausible, and the characters are well-written and consistent. And this last chapter... man, seeing Twilight and the Princesses in that situation of servitude... that actually hurt. For real. Especially the latter. Dude, it's not that much of a matter of vengeance for me anymore, not primarily: please, pretty please with a cherry on top, rescue those two as soon as the plot allows. The Asshole King's reckoning can wait for a gory climax; just please, please bust them out.
Well, guess I'll take that one board. I used to use semi-colons, but a couple of people said that their use was frowned upon. I'll have to look this stuff up.
As for the Celestia and Luna thing: Don't worry, I'm not going to leave it to the end of the fic
4395691 That's because the semicolon is finicky to use properly. You can't use it in place of normal commas, for example. They have specific niches. It's all very complicated and nigh impossible to take all at once. That's why I mentioned the editor. But try and learn along with his or her work so you can give them a lesser load, enrich your communication skills and eventually write well all on your own. And trust me, very little is more satisfying than that independence.
And about that second part... Man, you have no idea, absolutely no idea how relieved and touched that makes me feel. I'm not exaggerating, I swear I let out a huge breath when I saw your reply.
Orthodox's method of saving the night club mares was efficient. If he had just stayed invisible and attacked them it would have become a hostage situation and a lot of the mares would have been killed.
I know everyone here isn't exactly a fan of the FoE universe, but I am a stickler for 'canon' as it were, and logic in general. Why does Vinyl still have her horn? Besides it deviating from the caribou's effective means of neutralizing a population, I'm really more concerned it's going to lead the way towards an intrusive Deus Ex Machina. An explanation for why they might allow a slave to keep their magic is probably going to involve the mind control collars, which leads to another problem of mine: what exactly are the methods of the caribou?
Earlier, it was implied that skillful mage could override a person's mind and soul. Yet they were under orders to break resistors with more traditional means, and only pulled out magic in a pinch. This made some sense, and it was easy for the reader to comprehend. But apparently these red collars can turn anybody into a complete fuck puppet. Is this somehow different from the Sobra-esque magic that's employed by the mages? Why were exceptions made concerning the easy mind control? Princesses I could understand, but a DJ? The red collars are suppose to designate slaves that have had their wills crushed and submitted to the new regime. Wasn't the whole point the extended torture suppose to be reaching the point where they would "break?"
I know I sound awful for going in depth concerning this setting, but Conflict is one the basic tenants of story telling. When the MO of the enemy keeps changing suddenly mid-narrative, it's like replacing puzzle pieces with a different set. In the end we won't know how the characters reached their destination. Was it because of their mental fortitude? Cunning? Convenience?
Furthermore, I'm genuinely disappointed at missing interactions with 'real' red collar slaves. Yes, the concept is horrible and stomach wrenching, but doesn't that make it all the more rewarding when the heroes are able to restore their dignity and faith/executing them for treason/slowly shaking their heads at their pitiful state?
But that still relies on establishing what it is the caribou do to these people. The inclusion of Sombra's mind magic is fine, since the FoE universe hasn't filled in all of it's gaps either. For the organization, indoctrination and ranking of slaves, just settle on something, and stay the course. I'd recommend the methods described in the clop source. Besides the heart-felt scenarios made available, it's what a lot of us are familiar with, and this fic did seem to be sticking with them at the beginning.
“Every UIP citizen is required to begin learning about the military at age twelve, start training at sixteen and serve four years in either the standard Army Infantry or Naval Marines. After that you can chose to leave the military to pursue a civilian job or continue on with the option of branching out into the multiple departments of the military. Almost every family, human or not, has a history with military service so many children grow up already ingrained in military culture. My own father is a Captain for the navy while my Mother serves as an electronics engineer.”
Rereading this, I'm actually quite concerned. Author, is there any one in the nation that is an artist, writer, or even a cook?
I can't help it... I hear Straken as Kate Mulgrew.
This is so fucking good, man. Yeah, the mechanics are a bit wonky, with some run-on sentences, awkward phrasing, and comma splices, but you have really fleshed out the world. Keep up the great work, dude!
Orthodox strikes me as the type of person you really wouldn't want to piss off...ever.
I'm enjoying this fiction by the way, thoroughly enjoying the creative ways that Orthodox finds to kill things. Waiting to see the next chapter with baited breath, things are clearly going to get worse before they get better.
I never did like this universe, there is so much screwed up crud in it it's disturbing. Wonder what Freud would say if he ever had to put its creator on the couch?
Similar thoughts about Discord huh?
I still refuse to believe he will ally himself into slavery, its a part of order, a rather jacked up order, but still order, not chaos.
Orthodox is the best.
His combat style is half Salvador and 100% crazy awesome.
4158696
Probably would pin it on the creator lusting after his mother as a child. That was pretty much his answer for everything.
I enjoy this fic too much for it to be healthy.
Orthodox reminds me of Salvador from borderlands.
And humanity will fuck everything up for the Caribou.
I really like Orthodox, one of the best things about this fic. An artist, indeed.
So Cadence and the Crystal Empire are still as they should be? Good, some escaped. Considering how strong her powers seem at the moment, I'm assuming Shining also escaped corruption?
4161029
The entire Crystal Empire is shielded. The Caribou are laying siege to it in an attempt to break it. I thought that with their tight-knit community and with Cadence and Shining's shield that they would hold out longer. In the canon Fall of Equestria I believe that the Crystal Empire fell first but screw the rules.
4158850 Maybe he wasn't really a psychologist and was just really good at bluffing?
Really enjoying this story, honestly. Hopefully I can pull off one as well.
4155429
Huh. The site didn't alert me of your reply. Weird.
Anyway, your points are mostly valid, but there's a bit of nuance that could be touched upon. It's true that almost all rapier styles utilized cutting, it's not the slash kind of cutting. It's more of a modified thrust, where instead of puncturing your enemy, you slide your edge against them.
The rapier is all about efficiency. Swinging your blades around and clanging them together is not efficient. It's much better to just stab them while they're slashing about in the air.
About the kill thing; yeah, he definitely shouldn't have died immediately. But, he was stabbed in the heart, so it would have been quick and bloody. You see, all of the hits Inigo landed were repaying what the six fingered man did to him. He cut his face in the same places he was cut, stabbed his arms in the same places he was stabbed, and then finished him off in the same way his father was killed.
Again, he wouldn't have died immediately, but with the shock of having a hole going through his heart, he can be forgiven for falling down and not saying anything.
Besides, it's a movie. There must be some suspension of disbelief.
My first thought when I got to the part where Orthodox rigs Keith up.
Also, noticed quite a few missing capitals and commas. Might want someone to preread that?
muthufuckuh
Revenge is a dish best served raw, and still dripping red.
4158704
It's what several people fail to understand about Discord. There is a very real difference between evil, and self interest. The two can often coincide, but correlation does not equal causation. You can make an argument that Discord still isn't a nice guy even today. He agreed to change everything back not because he was a good guy, but because he'd lose Fluttershy's friendship. He did it because he would have lost something he wanted, not because of altruism.
4206489
Sociopath. A high functioning one.
We need more.
Yes, this is the first time I've ever demanded 'more' of something. I feel horrible, but this fic is just too good to put down. It is satisfaction at its finest, as well as being unintentionally sexy.
Now I feel even more horrible...
4208953
I am going to write more, thing is since I got three chapters of this out at once I neglected my other stuff. I'm going through and updating them first but I will continue to work on this.
4209184
Ah, no worries. Didn't mean to try and rush you or anything, all your stories require equal attention.
I eagerly await the next chapter of this story all the same, though!
4206272
There is no original fic. The Fallverse is based off a tumblr blog called "Fall of Equestria". I would personally avoid it, if I were you. Speaking from experience, the source material isn't very good in any respect, other than as simple slavery fantasy porn.
On one hand, there's no Nigel. On the other hand, I want to read about the Caribou getting their asses kicked. Eh, what the hell? Favorited.
4365044
Eh, no need to worry about the lack of Nigel (which may or may not change, it's still early in the fic after all...) but some of the other characters due to be introduced probably will suffice.
Kieth? Is that a reference to Hoodwinked?
4385863
Now that you mention it, I can remember that scene. No, I just have the opinion that Keith is one of the most unthreatening names in existance.
4158704
Well, now that season 4 has officially proven that Discord was willing to do just what you believed he wouldn't do...
4393483
While yes, I admit that Discord might help the Caribou at first, he doesn't seem the sort to take the second podium. Somewhere along the line he must plan a way to take control, sitting on the sidelines is not really his thing.
4393489
Well, that wasn't an issue in season 4, and it isn't an issue in this story either.
4393493
Eh, I guess.
Quick question, this has been bugging me.
Now, should I try and go for a gritty, dark feel for this fic (suitable for the source material)...
Or should I just continue with the eccentric characters and over-the-top Caribou slaughter for the laughs?
I mean, my stuff does get silly (this fic is a shining example of that) but I feel like I'm going too far and that I should dial it back due to the topics in it.
4393504
The former. Use the silliness to cast a light through the darkness. Don't try to cast a shadow on the silliness. That won't work as well.
4393509
Hmm, I guess so. I'm still going to keep the insane characters, but I like to think the cold professionalism of the Colonel balences out the crazy of the ISA.
Like the 'White cop/minority cop' Hollywood method.
Still, I think I'll try and develop the pony characters a little more as well.
Dropbear, you brilliant motherfucker. I should've known this was your doing as soon as I saw the (in need of a touch up, syntatically speaking) writing style, but it took me until the mention of Chalmers in the first chapter for the coin to drop.
I want to see more of this now, and I agree with Permanent Temporary, keep the mood dark and befitting of the fucked up aspect of Fall Of Equestria. Leave the predominant silliness to Nigel and let Orthodox be pure brutality with only a moderate touch of humor.
4393591
Firstly:
Curse my English! I'm not sure if I should be glad or worried at your ability to identify stuff I write by my syntax errors.
Secondly:
Yes, more will come, and I do think that I will keep the dark setting. There's mentions elsewhere, but Orthodox was in the same ISA squad (before they all went into different fields) as Chalmers. You can see some of the connection between the two, but yes, Orthodox is by far the most pyschopathic of the bunch.
4393690
Eh, Straken has a part to play, already seen as the more level-headed of the two. I do have a plan for this fic, whether that plan will survive the execution is anotehr matter.
4394079 I'll correct myself: it's not a syntax thing. It's style. Aside from typos here and there, the main problem with your writing is that you seem to be irredeemably in love with subordinate clauses (you know, the verbs ending with -ing). Once in a while is fine, but you use it almost religiously in every sentence. You can make shorter full sentences, don't fret.
See here:
You can easily change that to:
Doesn't it sound fresher to read, in a sense?
Other things are:
• The overusage of "as" (yours isn't that bad, though, and easy to repair: when you're feeling tempted to use "as", try writing "while", read it out loud and see how it sounds. If it's good, go ahead, and if not, try using "and" or a semicolon [a slightly longer pause than a comma, good when you want to use two unrelated thoughts in the same sentence]). See here:
"while" sure as hell doesn't fit. Correcting it:
See?
• The over-reliance on commas (there are more punctuation signs out there, and a good deal of them may be more appropriate). I'll give you a semicolon example:
With the correction:
Try and read both out loud now.
These are a vice, and you may not even notice them when you're writing (I know all too well). An editor would do you a lot of good... and if you already have one, get a better one, 'cause he's not doing a good enough job.
But as always, the plot is solid and plausible, and the characters are well-written and consistent. And this last chapter... man, seeing Twilight and the Princesses in that situation of servitude... that actually hurt. For real. Especially the latter. Dude, it's not that much of a matter of vengeance for me anymore, not primarily: please, pretty please with a cherry on top, rescue those two as soon as the plot allows. The Asshole King's reckoning can wait for a gory climax; just please, please bust them out.
4394897
Well, guess I'll take that one board. I used to use semi-colons, but a couple of people said that their use was frowned upon. I'll have to look this stuff up.
As for the Celestia and Luna thing:
Don't worry, I'm not going to leave it to the end of the fic
4395691 That's because the semicolon is finicky to use properly. You can't use it in place of normal commas, for example. They have specific niches.
It's all very complicated and nigh impossible to take all at once. That's why I mentioned the editor. But try and learn along with his or her work so you can give them a lesser load, enrich your communication skills and eventually write well all on your own. And trust me, very little is more satisfying than that independence.
And about that second part... Man, you have no idea, absolutely no idea how relieved and touched that makes me feel. I'm not exaggerating, I swear I let out a huge breath when I saw your reply.
4410577
Magical mind-control is a factor, this is based (loosely) off another set of fics.
Orthodox's method of saving the night club mares was efficient. If he had just stayed invisible and attacked them it would have become a hostage situation and a lot of the mares would have been killed.
How goes the writing?
4436677
Slow, hit a bit of a block and RL problems so I'm working on another fic. Hopefully should have a new chapter done by next weekend.
4455275
Eh, I just think they make entertaining enemies. It really lets me go to town with the violence.
Update plz?
4461933
Writing it now, probably be done in two days.
4463125
cant wait
Boom goes the dynamite!
Nothing. Just a box with oranges.
I know everyone here isn't exactly a fan of the FoE universe, but I am a stickler for 'canon' as it were, and logic in general. Why does Vinyl still have her horn? Besides it deviating from the caribou's effective means of neutralizing a population, I'm really more concerned it's going to lead the way towards an intrusive Deus Ex Machina. An explanation for why they might allow a slave to keep their magic is probably going to involve the mind control collars, which leads to another problem of mine: what exactly are the methods of the caribou?
Earlier, it was implied that skillful mage could override a person's mind and soul. Yet they were under orders to break resistors with more traditional means, and only pulled out magic in a pinch. This made some sense, and it was easy for the reader to comprehend. But apparently these red collars can turn anybody into a complete fuck puppet. Is this somehow different from the Sobra-esque magic that's employed by the mages? Why were exceptions made concerning the easy mind control? Princesses I could understand, but a DJ? The red collars are suppose to designate slaves that have had their wills crushed and submitted to the new regime. Wasn't the whole point the extended torture suppose to be reaching the point where they would "break?"
I know I sound awful for going in depth concerning this setting, but Conflict is one the basic tenants of story telling. When the MO of the enemy keeps changing suddenly mid-narrative, it's like replacing puzzle pieces with a different set. In the end we won't know how the characters reached their destination. Was it because of their mental fortitude? Cunning? Convenience?
Furthermore, I'm genuinely disappointed at missing interactions with 'real' red collar slaves. Yes, the concept is horrible and stomach wrenching, but doesn't that make it all the more rewarding when the heroes are able to restore their dignity and faith/executing them for treason/slowly shaking their heads at their pitiful state?
But that still relies on establishing what it is the caribou do to these people. The inclusion of Sombra's mind magic is fine, since the FoE universe hasn't filled in all of it's gaps either. For the organization, indoctrination and ranking of slaves, just settle on something, and stay the course. I'd recommend the methods described in the clop source. Besides the heart-felt scenarios made available, it's what a lot of us are familiar with, and this fic did seem to be sticking with them at the beginning.
Rereading this, I'm actually quite concerned.
Author, is there any one in the nation that is an artist, writer, or even a cook?
ISA and UIP needs to slaughter those filth that proclaim to be vastly superior to the ponies!