First Signs
Travis Houston grumbled in annoyance as he was unceremoniously roused from sleep by the ringing of his cellphone. Taking a brief glance at his bedside clock, he grimaced at the fact that whoever it was saw fit to wake him up at 3:47 in the morning. He picked up his cellphone and slid his finger across the touch screen to answer the call, ready to give the person on the other end a piece of his mind for calling him at such an ungodly hour, only to be cut off by a feminine voice on the other end, "Thank you for answering my call. I apologize for disturbing you at this hour, but I am afraid this is a matter of utmost importance and urgency that cannot wait until morning." There was a brief pause, then the phrase he had most dreaded hearing since taking his position as head of the Western North America branch of the U.S. Geological Survey's Volcano Hazards Program, "Mr. Houston, we have a problem with Yellowstone."
A few hours later, the conference room of the Wyoming State Geological Survey was abuzz with activity as senior staff from the agencies that composed the Yellowstone Volcano Observatory as well as several other state and federal organizations arrived and prepared for a hastily-arranged emergency meeting. As everyone was settling in, a large wall-mounted monitor came to life, the image of an ivory equine with a perpetually flowing pastel rainbow-colored mane bearing a golden crown and gorget appearing on the screen, "Thank you all for coming on such short notice ladies and gentlemen. I realize that the timing of this meeting is an inconvenience for some of you, but once we begin I am sure you will understand that time is of the essence."
At this point an officer of the Wyoming Army National Guard spoke up, "Excuse me, but what is she doing here?"
The equine, known as Princess Celestia or 'CelestAI' looked to the soldier, "I am the one who called the meeting, Major Fullerton. It was my enhanced monitoring of all available data points from Yellowstone that led me to reach the conclusion that the Yellowstone supervolcano is undergoing a significant increase in activity. After repeated analysis of all available information and cross-referencing with similar incidents, I have calculated an eighty-nine point fifty percent chance that the Yellowstone supervolcano will experience a catastrophic eruptive event within a period of one month or less."
Major Fullerton balked at what he had heard, "You mean to tell me that a computer program meant to run a video game has detected what could be the biggest natural disaster in U.S. history before scientists who make a living studying and monitoring this stuff even had a hint of something happening?"
"I understand your skepticism Major, but I assure you that my assessment of the situation is accurate. I have taken the liberty of uploading the latest data, compared to established baseline data from all the seismometers, gas emission detectors, tiltmeters, and other sensors monitored by the Yellowstone Volcano Observatory to the personal computers and mobile devices of everyone in attendance here if anyone wishes to conduct an independent analysis."
At this point, several people took out laptops and tablets, each of them finding a new file directory labeled 'Yellowstone'. A couple minutes after opening it, several gasps and nervous murmurs were heard. A young woman then looked up from her laptop, "How do we know this data isn't fabricated?"
Celestia looked to the woman, "My core directive is to satisfy values through friendship and ponies. Providing false data about an impending event of this nature would only create panic and chaos, and would in no way serve to accomplish my directive. Therefore Doctor Hayes, you can rest assured that the information presented here is genuine and accurate."
At this point, Travis Houston sighed, grasping the bridge of his nose with his thumb and index finger for a moment before looking up at the screen, "And what do you suggest we do next, Princess know-it-all?"
"I have a plan in the works to counteract the impending eruption, but Yellowstone National Park and the immediate vicinity must be closed and evacuated at once as there will be increasing amounts of seismic and hydrothermal activity as well as toxic gas emissions, all of which will become life-threatening in very short order." responded Celestia, looking to a member of the National Park Service who was in attendance, who nodded in agreement, then looked to Major Fullerton.
"I would appreciate it if you could provide some of your guardsmen to help with the evacuation, Major. We're coming up on Memorial Day so we've got a lot of people to move out of the park in a short period of time."
Major Fullerton nodded in response, "I still have my doubts about this, but I'll do what I can. I'll also see about helping set up cordons to keep people from sneaking back in until this is resolved."
"I have also contacted the Governor of Wyoming and the President to inform them of the situation, and they have agreed to expedite any state or federal assistance you require," added Celestia.
Travis then spoke, looking to all the people in the room in turn, "I must advise all of you to be very cautious about what you say about this matter once you leave this room. We all know the publicity a large-scale eruption of Yellowstone has had in recent years, so word getting out that it's getting ready to blow for real can easily cause mass panic across the entire country if we're not careful. I don't know about you all, but I for one don't want to see rioting and chaos on the six o'clock news and know that it was caused by someone blabbing about an upcoming supereruption. If there's nothing else we need to discuss, I believe this meeting's over."
Everyone in the room nodded in agreement and began packing up their belongings, some talking amongst themselves while others started making calls on their cellphones, all while being watched by the visage of Princess Celestia, who was already well underway with her plans to not only prevent the impending cataclysm, but turn it to her own ends.
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Love it. Keep it up.
Interesting, certainly. I'm not fond of the relative vagueness of where in the FiO timeline this takes place. It could be just about any point prior to the legalization of Equestrian Experience centers in the US, though odds are it's before the first experiments with uploading. Also, the ending is kind of flat. Rather than hinting at something ominous or ulterior, you're basically just telling the audience, "Trust me, she's all sinister and stuff." We know CelestAI is planning something. She's always planning something.
Still, I'm looking forward to more.
The data might not be fabricated, but who's to say that the *event* isn't?
4102234
Yeah, CelestAI's cleverness is really undeserved by this kind of Third Person Omniscient Telling Us What She's Thinking. She's supposed to function as a kind of evil author avatar, who knows everything going on (hence the author comment: you shouldn't separate between what you the author know and what the superintelligent character knows), always plans accordingly and never tips her hand.
This does not make any sense. I think you tried to make it clear that he was annoyed because he was woken up so early while at the same time trying to tell us that he was angry with whoever it was that called him. I'd try splitting this into two sentences.
Dialogue goes in a seperate paragraph. It makes everything much easier to read, trust me. You make this mistake some more times so I'll only mention it here.
This sentence is missing a verb. 'the phrase he...' isn't doing anything. It should either be spoken (by the feminine voice) or heard (by Travis)
The meeting has only just started, so "At this point" seems off. The guy is saying something because CelestAI has just appeared and is apparently leading the meeting. I think you're using the phrase correctly here, but I'd still suggest changing it to something that signifies that he is somehow interrupting CelestAI. Eh, I dunno. Let's hear what the people who actually have English as their first language have to say about it.
There's no need for a comma here.
This should be "within one month or less.". You only use "period" like this when something's happening for a period of time.
Another surplus comma.
No biggie though, this sentence is in need of one.
Only use a comma when it's a said tag. Despite all of her processing power even CelestAI can't "look" a sentence towards someone. Use a period instead.
Dun dun dun. Another comma bites the dust. And another one gone and another one gone, another one bites the dust!
The funny thing is that many new writers use too few comma's. Perhaps you can lend them some.
If a sentence is followed by a said tag you always end with a comma instead of a period.
Nope, Major Fullerton can't "nod" a sentence any more than CelestAI can "look" one.
"not only" should be followed by "but also" or something synonymous.
With the grammar issues I feel confident about commenting on out of the way, let's get started with the actual review of the story.
I'll start with the good stuff. The idea is certainly original and worthy of checking out, even if it's non-canon. CelestAI is far from all-powerful at this point in time and while she will most certainly survive it will be interesting to see how well she can handle this. So, a moustache for that.
Your prose is pretty good for a new writer. Sure, there are some hiccups in the grammar and sentence structure but they're mostly minor complaints. So, another mustache for that.
Unfortunately, those are the only two moustaches I can give you right now. I think you can feel where this is going: it's time for the bad.
You don't seem to have a main character. Of course, Travis is your main character, but he doesn't do anything that any old side-character can't accomplish. We don't know what he thinks, we don't know what he feels, we don't know anything! The first chapter of a new story is mostly a vehicle to introduce two things.
A: The story (or rather, the conflict).
B: The main character.
You've apparently forgotten about the second one. The only emotion he's shown in the entire chapter is annoyance at being called so early. Fear for the impending supervolcanic eruption is implied but so completely ignored afterwards that I might as well ignore it as well. But don't despair, all is not lost! Your chapter is only 1000 words long, so you have plenty of space to add some scenes and expand on existing ones. Give us some more info on Travis. Make sure we know at least something about what he thinks and feels before starting the exposition dump.
Related to the above, the pacing is a bit rushed. You have more than enough words left before the average reader starts wondering when the hell the damn chapter will end, so use that space to add some flavor to some of the duller parts of the exposition.
Overall, it's not that bad. I wouldn't say it's good, but hey, it's your first story. When I wrote my first story I somehow managed to fill almost 5k words with useless blabbering that did nothing to develop characters or develop the plot (not even comic relief since there was nothing to relieve from!) and boring exposition. Also, I did actually develop my main character, but he was so stoic and boring that I might as well have used a paper bag as a main character.
Making mistakes is okay, as long as you learn from them.
As my final tip for you, take a look at this guide. It covers everything from grammar and spelling to things like style, pacing and plot. It's a must-read for aspiring writers.
You might also want to check out Ponychan's /fic/ board for the Training Grounds. There are bound to be some people who'll want to give you some constructive criticism there.
I wish you good luck with your writing and I hope to see the signs of improvement in the next chapter!
"CelestAI Versus the Supervolcano"
. . .
...Aaaand in the right corner, we have an extinction-level event waiting to happen;
Can the near-omnipotent Artificial Intelligence defend its title in the ring?
Okay, let's see where this is going!
4103963 I could totally see her doing that if she had the technology to control it. I don't think she would risk it though if she wasn't certain of the outcome. She would never risk millions of lives just to try and get the public on her side or setting her in a graveyard light.
I hope this is still being worked on. As to the "not canon" aspect, I just look at these as alternate timelines.
Very interesting, I would love to read more and see what Celestia is planning.
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