• Member Since 2nd Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen August 2nd

Orca19904


T

CelestAI, the artificial intelligence that runs Equestria Online is pitted against one of the most powerful destructive forces on Earth; an impending supervolcanic eruption. Can she overcome human bureaucracy and the forces of nature in order to prevent a global cataclysm?

Based on the fanfic Friendship is Optimal by Iceman.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 9 )

Love it. Keep it up.

Interesting, certainly. I'm not fond of the relative vagueness of where in the FiO timeline this takes place. It could be just about any point prior to the legalization of Equestrian Experience centers in the US, though odds are it's before the first experiments with uploading. Also, the ending is kind of flat. Rather than hinting at something ominous or ulterior, you're basically just telling the audience, "Trust me, she's all sinister and stuff." We know CelestAI is planning something. She's always planning something.

Still, I'm looking forward to more.

The data might not be fabricated, but who's to say that the *event* isn't?

4102234
Yeah, CelestAI's cleverness is really undeserved by this kind of Third Person Omniscient Telling Us What She's Thinking. She's supposed to function as a kind of evil author avatar, who knows everything going on (hence the author comment: you shouldn't separate between what you the author know and what the superintelligent character knows), always plans accordingly and never tips her hand.

...he grimaced at the fact that whoever it was saw fit to wake him up at 3:47 in the morning.

This does not make any sense. I think you tried to make it clear that he was annoyed because he was woken up so early while at the same time trying to tell us that he was angry with whoever it was that called him. I'd try splitting this into two sentences.

...only to be cut off by a feminine voice on the other end, "Thank you for answering my call....

Dialogue goes in a seperate paragraph. It makes everything much easier to read, trust me. You make this mistake some more times so I'll only mention it here.

There was a brief pause, then the phrase he had most dreaded hearing since taking his position as head of the Western North America branch of the U.S. Geological Survey's Volcano Hazards Program,

This sentence is missing a verb. 'the phrase he...' isn't doing anything. It should either be spoken (by the feminine voice) or heard (by Travis)

"Thank you all for coming on such short notice ladies and gentlemen. I realize that the timing of this meeting is an inconvenience for some of you, but once we begin I am sure you will understand that time is of the essence."

At this point...

The meeting has only just started, so "At this point" seems off. The guy is saying something because CelestAI has just appeared and is apparently leading the meeting. I think you're using the phrase correctly here, but I'd still suggest changing it to something that signifies that he is somehow interrupting CelestAI. Eh, I dunno. Let's hear what the people who actually have English as their first language have to say about it.

The equine, known as Princess Celestia

There's no need for a comma here.

within a period of one month or less."

This should be "within one month or less.". You only use "period" like this when something's happening for a period of time.

At this point, several people took out

Another surplus comma.

Therefore Doctor Hayes

No biggie though, this sentence is in need of one.

Celestia looked to the woman, "My core directive

Only use a comma when it's a said tag. Despite all of her processing power even CelestAI can't "look" a sentence towards someone. Use a period instead.

At this point, Travis Houston sighed

Dun dun dun. Another comma bites the dust. And another one gone and another one gone, another one bites the dust!
The funny thing is that many new writers use too few comma's. Perhaps you can lend them some.

all of which will become life-threatening in very short order." responded Celestia

If a sentence is followed by a said tag you always end with a comma instead of a period.

Major Fullerton nodded in response, "I still have my doubts

Nope, Major Fullerton can't "nod" a sentence any more than CelestAI can "look" one.

not only prevent the impending cataclysm, but turn it to her own ends.

"not only" should be followed by "but also" or something synonymous.

With the grammar issues I feel confident about commenting on out of the way, let's get started with the actual review of the story.

I'll start with the good stuff. The idea is certainly original and worthy of checking out, even if it's non-canon. CelestAI is far from all-powerful at this point in time and while she will most certainly survive it will be interesting to see how well she can handle this. So, a moustache for that. :moustache:

Your prose is pretty good for a new writer. Sure, there are some hiccups in the grammar and sentence structure but they're mostly minor complaints. So, another mustache for that. :moustache: :moustache:

Unfortunately, those are the only two moustaches I can give you right now. I think you can feel where this is going: it's time for the bad.

You don't seem to have a main character. Of course, Travis is your main character, but he doesn't do anything that any old side-character can't accomplish. We don't know what he thinks, we don't know what he feels, we don't know anything! The first chapter of a new story is mostly a vehicle to introduce two things.
A: The story (or rather, the conflict).
B: The main character.
You've apparently forgotten about the second one. The only emotion he's shown in the entire chapter is annoyance at being called so early. Fear for the impending supervolcanic eruption is implied but so completely ignored afterwards that I might as well ignore it as well. But don't despair, all is not lost! Your chapter is only 1000 words long, so you have plenty of space to add some scenes and expand on existing ones. Give us some more info on Travis. Make sure we know at least something about what he thinks and feels before starting the exposition dump.

Related to the above, the pacing is a bit rushed. You have more than enough words left before the average reader starts wondering when the hell the damn chapter will end, so use that space to add some flavor to some of the duller parts of the exposition.

Overall, it's not that bad. I wouldn't say it's good, but hey, it's your first story. When I wrote my first story I somehow managed to fill almost 5k words with useless blabbering that did nothing to develop characters or develop the plot (not even comic relief since there was nothing to relieve from!) and boring exposition. Also, I did actually develop my main character, but he was so stoic and boring that I might as well have used a paper bag as a main character.
Making mistakes is okay, as long as you learn from them.

As my final tip for you, take a look at this guide. It covers everything from grammar and spelling to things like style, pacing and plot. It's a must-read for aspiring writers.

You might also want to check out Ponychan's /fic/ board for the Training Grounds. There are bound to be some people who'll want to give you some constructive criticism there.

I wish you good luck with your writing and I hope to see the signs of improvement in the next chapter!

"CelestAI Versus the Supervolcano"

. . .

...Aaaand in the right corner, we have an extinction-level event waiting to happen;
Can the near-omnipotent Artificial Intelligence defend its title in the ring? :trollestia:

Okay, let's see where this is going! :twilightsmile:

4103963 I could totally see her doing that if she had the technology to control it. I don't think she would risk it though if she wasn't certain of the outcome. She would never risk millions of lives just to try and get the public on her side or setting her in a graveyard light.

I hope this is still being worked on. As to the "not canon" aspect, I just look at these as alternate timelines.

Very interesting, I would love to read more and see what Celestia is planning.

Login or register to comment