Today is Derpy’s birthday, but she doesn’t treat it any differently than any other day of the year. But when a large, blue box with a very convincing tag has mysteriously been placed in her living room while she was out at work, the wall-eyed mare is understandably confused. She hasn’t seen her little sister since early in the morning, either, to make matters worse. Confused and alone, Derpy does the one thing anypony would do in her situation: play the ‘what’s inside the box’ game.
This is my first story posted on this site, and the second story I consider counts as writing a story. I really would like any constructive, and I can't stress that enough, criticism you guys have to offer me. This is also a special story, as it is (HUZZAH!) available to read on my own birthday. It was planned to be a oneshot, but I didn't finish writing it all in time, so it will be two or three chapters total, whenever I get around to finishing writing them.
Proofread by the amazing FluttaShift and goddamnAnimalPlanet.
Tags and characters are NOT FINAL, and will be updated as necessary.
You might wanna space out your paragraphs more. I found this story intriguing but too hard to read because of that. Gonna give a like anyways, and putting it on my 'read later' list.
4101065
Thanks for the tip. Not how I learned how to write, but if that is what makes it easier to read, I'll be certain to do that.
4101067 Your welcome, you'll find most stories on the site are spaced out more. But it's your choice too.
4101070
I think that I should do it if the readers expect it. At least it has indents; wall-of-text syndrome, amiright?
4101076 ^^' I'm not sure what that means...I'm kinda slow atm. Sorry about that.
4101081
Nah, it's fine. We all have those days. Wall-of-text syndrome is the sensation, usually accompanied by a loss of focus, when reading a text that has no indents or extra spaces between paragraphs, making the words appear to be a wall.
4101087 You pretty much described your story atm. ^^' heh. Sorry. Well, I'll read it once you fix it k?
4101092
Apologies, mate. I thought that the indents would be enough, but I'm learning. I've only ever really written scholastic papers before, so I guess habits carry over... Anyway, I chopped up everything and hopefully the paragraphs aren't too long now.
Very nice! Glad to see you writing and so well! Nice take on Derpy and very well written!
4101105
Thanks, mate
4101107
Wow Derpy isn't a mother to Dinky in this story! ^^ That's a nice twist :) Loved it btw, have a fave. Please continue!
4101623
I plan on finishing it. I have more written, but this wasthe best place to stop. I'm glad you liked that Dinky is sister rather than daughter. I was worried people would get mad...
Thanks