- Member Since 13th Mar, 2014
- offline last seen Mar 19th, 2016
MyNameIsNick
I like sports, especially football, weightlifting and bodybuilding. I like to hunt and fish, and practice martial arts. I listen to all kinds of music! I'm very athletic and studious, and watch MLP...
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Hello everyone! Now that my story is up, I'll say a few things. I'll do my best to update daily or near daily, but can make no promises as it's near the end of the quarter for school and am busy with projects. I hope everyone enjoys the first chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it and ask for criticism. I'm writing this with my ipad, so typos and such are harder to see. Anyway, thanks for giving the story a shot, and make sure to comment your thoughts.
Thank you,
Nick
Chapter the first, wherein we have a premise, and a somewhat novel setting, but the only conflict so far is the fact that our protagonist is kind of a douche. He's expressed a desire to go home, but just trying to get home is boring, as far as things-to-do-when-you-end-up-in-a-magical-alternate-universe go.
My suggestion for the next chapter would be to actually start a story. I'll be keeping an eye on this in case you do.
Mechanically, the most bothersome thing so far is that you're constantly alternating between first and third person when talking about Jem. I suggest you choose.
4078864 Thanks for the feedback, The story will get rolling next chapter, I kind of wanted to introduce Jem in the first chapter. I'll probably update tomorrow or sometime during the weekend. Thanks for the first and third person comment, I was bitching myself out the whole time that I needed to stick with one lol. Glad to see you're giving it a chance and hope to please.
Thank you,
Nick
Will Rainbow Dash be beating anybody up in this story?
4198941 Haha maybe, though I don't plan on including the mane six in the story for awhile.
Damn good writing and an interesting start to the story. First chapter earnt a up rating and 2nd for a fave, look forward to next chapters
4199306 Thank you for the feedback! I'll try to update on a schedule and more often. If you have any suggestions please feel free to share.
the protagonist still has no redeeming qualities and there are no signs of character development
which could be okay. It's been done well enough before (Hellsing? except the characters in that did grow and change and have somewhat interesting motivations)
but if you're going to write an unrepentant ass, at least write a cool unrepentant ass, or provide them with a decent foil
whiny and jerkface and gets-everything-altogether-too-easily don't go together very well, especially if that's all there is to it, except maybe sometimes as a one-dimensional gag character
he does have a bit of that tribal othering-everyone-except-for-comrades thing going on, which is realistic, if not appealing, but even that's not very well fleshed out
4200939 Yes, I'll be digging more into Jem's character in the following chapters. I've got a laptop now so I'll be able to write a lot more!
4204872
I'll keep watching
4205722 Awesome
will be writing the next chapter soon!
Nice chapter dude
4317904 Thanks man