Reign of the Goddash

by fishii10

Chapter 1

Author's Note:

Before you get started, I'd just like to warn you that this is in no way at all a serious fic. My friends told me to turn her into a goddess, so I thought "it's on". Here's the result.

Prepare for:
- slight shippiness
- a nameless main character (just assume it's Game Changer, my terrible OC)
- obligatory best pony saves the day (Sethy's gonna love this! Senpai will notice me~)
- comedy/tragedy? I'm not sure if either genre is valid.

"How long's it gonna take?"

"I don't know."

"Is it gonna hurt?"

"I don't know."

"Is it gonna be awesome?"

"I think it might well be. Either way, just step in." I gestured to the machine behind me. It looked like one of those full-body dryers you get at fancy hotel pools, and in that sense it seemed appealing. It was also pretty warm, maybe uncomfortably so. Technical fault, never mind. I couldn't think of a name for it, but the Turnrainbowdashintoanythingshewantsinator v0.9 beta seemed to stick.

The red button (stolen off a fairground machine, so it looked fairly tacky) lit up with a dim glimmer, signifying that the machine was ready to go. I picked up the muffin-covered blueprint (was this even possible, anyway?) and slammed the button. "Don't move, Dash," I said quickly before the childish music kicked in. The two of us stifled laughs (why did I ever include it?, but Dash couldn't let it go –

A couple of minutes later, I shoved my heavy eyelids open, coughing under the thick smog that seemd to be coming from...well, somewhere...and tried to stand up. Sharp hoofsteps were heard, then a shockingly deep voice. Never mind Flutterguy, I never thought I'd hear Rainbow Dash sounding like this...
"Bow before me," she bellowed in a double-voice reminiscent of Nightmare Moon's signature Canterlot voice, "for I AM THE MIGHTY GODDESS RAINBOW DASH!"

I fell onto my back in shock, struggling to get up off my hooves. Damn these limiting joints... "Rainbow? Is that you?" The smoke cleared to reveal nothing anyone in Equestria had seen before, let alone written legends of. Clad in only the strongest of metals, with wings fully outspread, she commanded my absence. I fled for fear of death at her hooves, cursing under my breath repeatedly. I tripped, wishing Sakurai would remove the damn feature already, and tried to regain my balance, flapping my arms a little and feeling stupid for doing so.

Instinct cried out to me that the Elements of Harmony solve everything, at least unless you're faced with a cutie mark switch. No princesshood for me, then, I chuckled. So I took off on fleeting feet to find royalty. I still wasn't used to Ponyville ground, having been there before, so I tended to slip up fairly often. A cry sounded from far away, and it seemed as though the colossal goddess really couldn't be bothered to fly, so she stalked behind on heavy hooves.

Another cry sounded, much quieter, but much closer. It was the instantly recognisable voice of the baby dragon Spike. "Heeeelp!" he cried, chasing me on his stubby legs. After a short pause, he asked me who exactly I was, still running.

"That's no use to you now, we've gotta get away from Rainbow," I spoke with a sense of urgency in my voice. "Guessing you can tell she became an all-powerful deity, right?"

"Like that wasn't obvious," Spike sighed, with a fairly unamused look. I guess he was right in thinking I'd just said something completely pointless.

"Right...that aside, we've gotta do something about this. First rule of canon is that..."

"...you've always gotta rely on the Elements," Spike spoke back in a droning voice.He knew the drill. "But what're we gonna do about Rainbow Dash?"

"We''ll just have to make a substitute," I winked. "So, d'you know where they are nowadays?"

"Nope," Spike replied, his scales blown back in the wind. "Unless by a miracle they're where they used to be..."

"Can't hurt to check, right? Let's go."

A few minutes later, we burst through the door of Twilight's library, weaved seamlessly into a towering oak tree. Ominous thuds in our wake, we sorted through the shelves in the search for the book containing the Elements.

Thud.

"E...E for...uh..."

Thud.

"Elementary, my dear Watson...element...something, uh...here!"

THUD.

In the end, the thuds weren't the threat. Spike and I were blown back by a gale-force gust, hanging onto the bookshelves for dear life. A stream of books clobbered our cheeks, landing on the floor with a scrunchy sound. Twilight wouldn't be happy, wherever she was.

"Spiiiiike?! What now?"

"It wasn't me, I pr - "

THUD.

There was no time for denial now. Rainbow Dash snorted through the windows, throwing us to the floor with every puff of air. Twilight took a moment to look out of the window, and teleported down to our floor.

"Oh, you're here! That's good."

"You might want to take that back, Twi. I'm the source of this...uh...what do I even call it? Never mind, we;ve got to move. Can you take us anywhere?" Before I could get another word in edgeways, we landed in a heap among the houses of central Ponyville. Not a moment to wonder at the thatched rooves and peace of the town, which was a shame. Twilight took Spike on her back, and I was left with my mere clumsy feet, clad in weak trainers and laboured with a heavy book. Not great. "So, where are we heading now?"

"Pinkie's closest, we'll get her first."

Soon enough, we crashed through the door of Ponyville's tastiest bakery, Sugarcube Corner. Once again, we were out of time, as every second lay in the hooves of the newly-crowned goddess Rainbow Dash. If I'd have had the time I'd still be busy comprehending her morality as a goddess, but I didn't, so that sucked. "Pinkie," I called, gasping for air to catch up on the oxygen.

"Yeeeeees?" she replied in her typical singsong voice. It was surprising that she wasn't aware. "Y'know, we haven't had many customers today so I'm super excited that you guys took the time to buy some delicious cake! Maybe it's worth a party?"

"No time," I gasped, "need you."

"Um...yes!" She clasped my hoof quickly, giving me a light peck on the cheek.

"Hey, that's nice, but I didn't mean it like that. We're in danger...uh...love?" Pinkie seemed a little saddened by the first half, but the fact that Twilight was with us seemed confirmation enough to her that it was time for the Mane Six to fall in line and rescue Equestria again.

"B-but...did you mean it?"

"I guess - " I was immediately tackled to the ground in a tight hug, her magenta mane blinding me and tickling me with its curly softness. "Right, let's move."

Rarity wailed from the balcony of Carousel Boutique, her curled mane battered by the harsh winds beating from Rainbow Dash's gargantuan wings. On a scale of "oops, I dropped my needle" to "Trenderhoof doesn't like me-he-heeeh", I'd say it was a little under the top of the scale. Either way, even though her wailing was a pretty beautiful sound (I'd grown to associate it not with sadness but sweetness), I couldn't let it go on. Her precious boutique was alight. She needed help, and I and my team of pony recruits were the only ones who could fix it.

"Rarity!" I called at the top of my voice. "Don't worry, we've got this!...uh, Twi? I don't suppose you could take me up there..."

"I don't think so. Humans are probably too much for even the Wonderbolts to carry while flying. Spike, for that matter..." Spike's eyes lit up at the mention of his name, and he hopped onto Twilight's back accordingly.

A little while later, the three emerged from the blaze, and Pinkie and I both cheered. Rarity was still spluttering in a highly dramatic fashion, as she would, but to be fair her pure white body was now stained in places. Now only a Fluttershy remained, and I had every bet placed that she'd be in a ton of danger, not least due to her own fear of...well, even her own shadow.

Fluttershy yelped, backed into a corner by fierce flames. Her whole cottage was ablaze. At least compared to this, she really wouldn't mind Discord flipping it upside-down, whether literally or metaphorically. All four of her hooves were on the wall, and her teeth were gritted tightly together by a force unbreakable even by a Changeling army. She was unbelievably close to tears, even though her many pets had fled to safety.

THUD.

Rainbow Dash, in all her gigantic glory, was dangerously close to Fluttershy's window. "Bow," she commanded, and Fluttershy very nearly leapt out of her skin.

"O-okay..." A tear slipped down Fluttershy's face, and she lowered herself down onto her front.

"Stop right there!" I cried out as loud as I could, not even half as tall as Rainbow's back hoof. I darted underneath her rear legs, bursting through the door of the cottage. Twilight's instinct threw her right beside Fluttershy, and she teleported out just as quickly as she'd gone in.

After everyone had dusted themselves off (a struggle while constantly bowing, that was for sure), the Elements, bar one, were ready to kick into action. I threw everyone their respective Element - I was amazed at how shiny they were, especially in comparison to their standard portrayal. Everyone equipped their necklaces. Spike looked a little strained by his - it seemed to be weighing him down, but I hoped it wouldn't be a problem for long.

Each and every Element began to shine, and I hoped with all my heart that it'd work despite Rainbow Dash's absence. I looked up to the all-powerful pony, and smiled determinedly as a look of shock struck her scarlet eyes. A rainbow climbed its way up and out of the Elements -

"Do you really think that'll work?"

Trixie laughed a little slyly, perhaps blindly thinking that her own power (if you could call it that, anyway) would have some chance of slaying Rainbow. "A baby dragon, with no faith in himself at all?"

"I guess you've got a point, Trixie. What brings you back here, anyway?" Twilight spoke, trying to keep the utter disgust from her voice.

"I thought I'd come to help you. You might think I'm all me, but I just need the bits to get by. I thought I'd make use of my talents, there. What do you take me for? I'll fight loyally if that's what it takes. Consider yourselves lucky."

"Never thought I'd see this side of you, Trixie, but if you're sure..." Spike seemed as though he'd lost everything as I spoke those words. That one opportunity to be slightly useful. Come to think of it, that made me laugh a little, in spite of myself. Trixie took Spike's element with haste, but as far as I saw, I couldn't detect any of that Trixie self-centeredness. She looked as though it was her full intent to save us.

Trixie and Twilight both braced themselves under the full force of the magic they had begun, jaws trapped tightly together, just like their eyelids. Both of their manes were blown right back by the force, and they looked blinded by the powerful spectrum emitted from the elements. They both said something I didn't quite catch, but it sounded valiant. I looked up, shielding my eyes, and Rainbow was swarmed in colours. One loud crash, and nothingness.

Rainbow moaned a little. Her wing moved almost nowhere, but I could tell she had some self-control. "Wh-where am I?..." she spoke slowly, dog-tired. "I think I...uh...just had...the best dream...ever..."

"One thing's for sure, it was our worst nightmare," I laughed. "Let's get you home."

Comments

[Mayhem Darkshadow]

After a minor flaw in an experiment, carnage occurs in Ponyville as Rainbow Dash becomes a lethal goddess.

i.imgur.com/9HY53al.gif

[fishii10]

4047457 What else would you expect from a fic written for a dare? Did you even read it?

[fishii10]

So I've failed you all this time round. Sorry to waste your time with this, I thought it'd be a laugh to write. Maybe I'll have better luck with the next writing prompt. Seems as though my OC somehow curses everything I write, so from here on out I'll just stick to canon characters.

[Mayhem Darkshadow]

4055998

Twice

[Yildun]

I thought the tiny bit of shipping between the OC and Pinkie was wonderful, but everything else was trying too hard or was not given enough attention. With more effort, this could have been really good.

The basic premise doesn't strike me as that awkward or hard to do. If you ever revised it, with more thought put into it, I think it could be much better.

[Aramadon]

Oddly enough, the Pinkie x OC shipping was my favorite part.
Huh, that's weird.

I kind of like the premise, though. One thing - we could have really used a little more description of the Goddess Rainbow Dash when she first appeared. For example, I had no idea how big she was supposed to be.

As for my biggest complaint: well, let me use some quotes from the story.

I fell onto my back in shock, struggling to get up off my hooves.

Humans are probably too much for even the Wonderbolts to carry while flying.

OK, even though I decided to overlook the inclusion of a nameless main character OC, my brain still had a problem with not knowing whether OC was pony or human. Or whether they just spontaneously changed every once in a while.

[fishii10]

Wow. I've really left this one alone a while. Stuff I've taken from it:
-Shipping's a yay. That's good, 'cause I'm just about to upload another fic, and this time it's shippy.
-Logic's a neigh. My excuse is that this was written in a day or two for a complete dare, but I really might consider rewriting this in the coming months.Maybe by September?
Thanks for the feedback, and I apologise for those whose time I wasted with complete cringiness. I'll do better next time, I promise.