The Rise Of An Empire

by XxprincesscadenceXx

The Battle

FINALLY THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA!!!! I was so excited. It was finally today! I ran to go see Rarity.
“Why hello there! How may I help you?” Rarity asked.
“I came to see if I could have a dress for the Gala?” I asked.
“OOOHHH!!!! I have got the perfect dress! Come with me!” Rarity added.
“Okay??” I said as I followed her.
“Here it is! I think it looks lovely with your mane!” Rarity said.
“I...LOVE IT!!!!!!” I said.
“Great!!! Now go try it on!!!!” she said and shoved me into a changing room.
I quickly put on the dress and I looked amazing in it! It had hearts all around it and it matched my cutie mark perfectly. I put my hair into a bun and walked out of the room.
“OMG!!!! You look amazing!!” Rarity said.
“I really like it! I am going to head to Canterlot early, so I will see you there!!!” I said.
“Okay! I can’t wait for tonight!!!” Rarity said as she waved goodbye.
I walked out of Carousel Boutique and got into a taxi.
“Hello there! I am Carmel Apple” the taxi driver said.
“Hey! I am Crystal Charmer! Can you take me to Canterlot?” I asked.
“Sure thing!” Caramel Apple said.
He ran all the way to Canterlot and when I got there I wondered why I was really here! I mean Celestia is going to try to kill me and I came EARLY? What was I thinking!!! I payed Caramel Apple and walked to Canterlot castle. Right when I was about to walk in I saw Luna.
“CRYSTAL!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” she asked shocked.
“I decided to come early! Sheesh!” I said.
“Bad idea!! Celestia has ordered guards to kill you!” she said.
“Yeah, she ALWAYS wants to kill me!”
“But this time she might!” she said!
“I convinced ALL of ponyville to fight with me!” I said.
“What? Against Equestria’s army?? So many ponies will die!” she said.
“Well how was I supposed to know that Celestia would try to kill me?” I asked.
“I just want you to be safe!” Luna said.
“Fine! I will go face Celestia alone!” I said and ran away.
“CRYSTAL COME BACK!!!!! SHE HAS GOTTEN STRONGER!!!!!!” Luna yelled.
I didn’t care what Luna had to say! I wanted to face Celestia alone! I do not want her to kill anypony else! I finally got to the royal castle, and I entered.
“I was expecting you” Celestia said with a sly grin.
“Oh really? Because I am going to beat you this time!” I said.
“Last time you were the alicorn, but now it’s me!” Celestia replied.
“You ruined my life! And I think you need to stop!” I said and the battle began.
After a hour of fighting I lay on the floor with a blood pool around me.
“This...is...not...over” I said and fainted.
“Oh! I think it already is!” Celestia replied

The End Of Book 1

Author's Note:

END OF BOOK 1!!!!!

Comments

[MilkshakeCadenza]

That night I found myself in a fancy party gown dancing at Princess Luna’s welcome home party. I knew Luna before she got banished and why she got banished! Why, no pony knows that it was really Celestia’s fault!!!! I used to be an Alicorn in the golden ages before Celestia created Discord and became the savior of Equestria!! But no one knew the true side to her….the side that banished Luna, her own sister, and made me lose my powers!!!! I simply became a simple unicorn that knew no magic and I had to start from scratch! So now you see why I hate her!!!! Even to make that worse she made Cadence my Pff an alicorn and made her forget about me! We have never talked since… I wish that Celestia would just die in a ditch sometimes….UGH!!!!
“What are you thinking about???” Luna asked me.

Done. I don't need to read anymore.

[mirrorwing]

That was awful, no nice way too put it, I'm all for an evil celestia story but at least make it believable like seriously

[MilkshakeCadenza]

4144398

How far did you read before you gave up?

[mirrorwing]

The I used to be an alicorn part again I don't mind alicorns but everything before just made no sense. I mean Gods that was a terrible everything

[XxprincesscadenceXx]

4144461
4144414
I am sorry that you do not like my story! I am writing a new one and I want you guys to approve of it first! If you want to leave your emails so I can share it with you on google drive!!!

[mirrorwing]

4144525
Well now I know how to actually reply to a post and find me at [e-mail]. so help me trolleys best not bug the hell out of me sorry using a phone and it's auto correct is annoying

[XxprincesscadenceXx]

4144543 Okay! I will share it with you! I am sorry if you hate me!

[lunabrony]

Okay. Let me try to elaborate on some of this. I don't usually write reviews but I try to be more helpful now and again.

1. Indent paragraphs.
2. For the love of Jesus, there is no need for more then one of '?' or '!' at a time. It's extremely distracting.
3. The characters don't seem believable at all. Fine tune their personalities. Rarity does not say darling that frequently.
4. Former alicorn. No.
5. OC is friends with the Princesses because reasons. No.
6. How does I detail? Seriously. There is no detail anywhere. *Dalek voice* ELABORATE! ELABORATE! ELABORAAAAAAAATE!

stream1.gifsoup.com/view6/2709062/picard-double-facepalm-o.gif

[KamiyaItsuno]

4144461 I read the entire thing
The WHOLE DAMN THING!

I don't remember feeling that much 'wut' since "My Immortal"

[Warren Peace]

In addition to the other issues, you've got WAY too many tags. Three is good, four is pushing it, and five and more is way too many. Certainly it's not as bad as ponycreator cover art, but putting on too many tags will still make you look like an even bigger noob than you should appear to be.