Detective Stories Case One: "Robbery Gone Bad"

by Fryguy

4. Case Closed

"Alright Rainbow Dash, put your hoofs out, your being charged for robbery." Rob fastens the cuffs, and leads the pegesis away.

"Because we have evidence from Rarity and Rainbow Dash that it seemed to be Daisy being the killer, we are going to release Rarity, but Rainbow Dash admitted to robbing Rarity with Werson, so she needs to be arrested for that." said Lilly.

Here are the final outcomes.

"Rarity is Charged for murder of Werson and is sentenced for two years in dungeons, but the charges were later dropped."

"Daisy is charged with murder of Werson and is sentenced for two years in dungeons."

"Rainbow Dash is charged with robbery and is sentenced to six months in dungeons."

As Rob leads Rainbow Dash away, The detectives return to the station. Ounce there, they high five each other, and Lilly is happy to close her first case. When Rob returns, he is proud of the rookie.

"Lilly, you were awsome!"

"Thanks Rob!"

"You wanna go for some coffee?"

"YEAH!" All the detectives replied.

But in Canterlot, Werson's family is mourning for Werson, and is having trouble coping without him.

"He was such a nice stallion, did nothing wrong, why would somepony do this to him, why?" Werson's mother is taking it very hard.

Werson is buried in Canterlot, many gather to his memorial, including Rarity.

"Even though he attempted to rob me, his family and friends here are probably very sad right now. I'm also glad I was released to attend this." she explained.

Very pretty music plays while the ponies let go of balloons with his name and notes inside the balloons, they hold candles as they remember Werson.

His family soon come to his grave and leaves flowers by the stone. They then turn and leave, saying.

"Rest In Peace Werson."

Comments

[Grazy Polomare]

Just to clarify it, homicide is technically murder. That and using murder three times in a sentence may not be the best opening intro to reading this story.

[Grazy Polomare]

Alright, after reading through this, all I have to say is show vs. tell. The characters need more fleshing out and you introduce a bunch of characters without giving much detail as to why they should have a role at all in the story.

The premise was quite nice, and the culprit was an interesting choice, but it felt like you just sort of lead us on in a kid's storybook. I mean...these detectives really like giving high-fives, and if that's your intention, great.

However, it could still use some work and my biggest issue is I don't get enough time to know the characters. Any good mystery emphasizes characterization as it's often the best tool to keeping readers on their toes or hooves as to whodunit.

[Fryguy]

5163078

It was one of my first works, so I'm looking past this, learning from those mistakes.