Detective Stories Case One: "Robbery Gone Bad"

In a investigation to the murder of a stallion named Werson, a young mare starts her journey as a murder detective to solve the case, but the murder is more like a homicide, then a regular murder.

Chapters (4)

1. The Crime Scene · 22nd Feb 2014 · 573 words
573
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2. Interviews · 22nd Feb 2014 · 1,148 words
1,148
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3. Search For The Suspect · 22nd Feb 2014 · 665 words
665
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4. Case Closed · 23rd Feb 2014 · 330 words
330
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Comments ( 3 )

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Grazy Polomare

Grazy Polomare #1 · Oct 20th, 2014 · · · 4. Case Closed ·

Just to clarify it, homicide is technically murder. That and using murder three times in a sentence may not be the best opening intro to reading this story.

Grazy Polomare

Grazy Polomare #2 · Oct 20th, 2014 · · · 4. Case Closed ·

Alright, after reading through this, all I have to say is show vs. tell. The characters need more fleshing out and you introduce a bunch of characters without giving much detail as to why they should have a role at all in the story.

The premise was quite nice, and the culprit was an interesting choice, but it felt like you just sort of lead us on in a kid's storybook. I mean...these detectives really like giving high-fives, and if that's your intention, great.

However, it could still use some work and my biggest issue is I don't get enough time to know the characters. Any good mystery emphasizes characterization as it's often the best tool to keeping readers on their toes or hooves as to whodunit.

Fryguy