• Member Since 30th Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 18th, 2019

RainbowCoolDash Pariah


Love MLP FIM

E

(cancelled)

When I came to Equestria I was scared and didn't know where I was, that when Twilight Sparkle came into my life. For the first few week I was scared, but Twilight kept me happy.

I was happy, never in my life have I been so excited to go to a party. Pinkie sure does know how to throw an awesome party.

Chapters (5)
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Comments ( 115 )

If I were writing this, this single chapter would be three times as long. It's good for a first story, but a lot of detail is lacking. I would like the story behind saving the filly from the Timberwolf, at the very least.

The story has potential but you need to add more to the story, plus you keep transitioning from first pov to third pov, you should stick to one or the other not both.

then I meet six very nice ponies who welcomed me to Equestria.

The past tense of "meet" is "met".

Lets just say

You're missing an apostrophe in your contraction: "let's" is short for "let us".

I had a good paying job at a fast food restaurant and a nice house I bought three years ago.

So not only did your character somehow buy a house at age 21, he bought it on a fast food industry salary? No.

I thought to myself, "where am I"

You need to capitalize the first letter of his thought and punctuation that sentence: "Where am I?"

A pony wearing a doctors lab coat

doctors = plural = more than one doctor
doctor's = possessive = something belonging to a doctor
How to Use an Apostrophe

I thought to myself, ok James. You just lost your mind and now I - I think I will faint.

That thought needs to be designated in some way. You can use quotation marks as you did earlier, but standard convention is to use italics. Whatever you choose, be consistent.

"Doctor is he going to be ok?”

There needs to be a comma after the word "doctor". When a character is addressed directly, a comma offsets the character's name (or in this case, their title) from the rest of the dialogue. Also, "ok" isn't a word -- it should either be capitalized to show that it's two letters ("OK"), or spelled out phonetically ("okay").

This really needs a lot of work.

4858403 Is that the only mistakes you found for this story? :trixieshiftright::rainbowlaugh:

4869829 I know it may not be good enough for some, but I am happy the way the story is coming out. :twilightsmile:

4870011 I will give you this, it was a lot better than most first stories I have read. Also, have you by any chance read "Me In Equestria" by some other dude? I feel like this could be like inspired by him. :rainbowlaugh::pinkiecrazy:

4870018 I dont think I have read it. I will look at it.

4870018 That story has not been updated since 2012.

4870053 Woah, woah, what? :rainbowhuh: Wait which one did you click? The one I am talking about is the one with a alicorn guy with green fur, (He was also my inspiration to make a trollfic) :pinkiecrazy:

I know it could be better, but I don't really care for like and dislikes, I only care that I am happy of the effort going into the story.

Thank you again Derec mc coy for helping me.

4870060 There two. Can you url for the one you told me about.

4870065 I will PM it you later, right now I can't since I am on tablet. I'll send it later, does that sound good to you? :duck:

4870076 Lel you should read it. :rainbowlaugh:

4870082 YAY!! :yay: Tell me what you think about it when you're done. :pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by Elric of Melnipony deleted Aug 21st, 2014

4873619 Oh okay. :rainbowlaugh: I am going to guess you found about 30 mistakes?:rainbowderp: Or more than that?

Comment posted by Elric of Melnipony deleted Aug 21st, 2014

4874613 Damn! :rainbowderp: fifty errors? This dude needs a editor immediately. And half way through?!? Holy shit! :twilightoops:

I dont really care.:ajbemused:

If you really want to why not edit for me then.

4874689 why should you care. I love the story. That's enough.
Hehehehe....
Anyway. What kind of a genius comes up with such a masterpiece...
Ego...

4874620
4874613
So.... so far the grammar and spelling... And the content?

Comment posted by Elric of Melnipony deleted Aug 21st, 2014

4884205 take your attitude some where else. Or I will get a mod over here to deal with you. You have done nothing but discriminate. So leave. You are not welcome here.

4884683
You got me -- I'm prejudiced against rainbow-colored people.
What, exactly, do you think "discriminate" means?

4885348 I missed your first comment. What did you say? It seems fun... or mean...
I just hate it when people delete comments. So.... What did you say?

4885702
He said he didn't care about his errors -- you know how those prismatic people are -- then asked why I didn't want to edit for him. I said it was because he didn't care, and asked why I should go out of my way for someone who has both the attitude and writing skills of a child.

And since you asked about the content, I pointed out that it was just like dozens of other "brony in Equestria" stories. Unoriginal, in other words.

4885714 oh.... I thought you tried to tear us down. Well I'm glad that you took the time to read it. So if you want to excuse me, I've got teletubies to kill. And a masterpiece to write... And one to continue (this story to be exact)

4885714 "brony in Equestria" stories. Unoriginal, in other words.

Ok your right it is. Sorry for being rude to you. And I do sometimes act my age and other times I don't, I'm still a kid at heart.

So do you want to edit it or not. It up to you. We could use an editor.

4885714 you're not going to react to this anymore, he?

And I'm back, and I'm better. (I've got new metalica shirts and awesome picks, so yeah.) I'm working at the next chapter right.... now

4972118 ... Thanks. I just found that pic on the Internet.

4972150 Sweet, Chapter three will be out very soon. I just have to paste it then edit a little the it will be done.

4972171 great. I'm curious for the response

Please enjoy Chapter 3 and please give positive feed back.

4972188 Me too. With me editing I hope I did ok editing it. I have Microsoft word 2010.

4972195 I have word 97. And don't delete comments please. I hate it when people do that

4972230 I'll explain it later

Waaay too rushed. It felt like you put a word limit on yourself, instead of a word requirement.

4993900 I know. It is my first story. Im also getting help from my friend who you will see in the arther s notes.

A masterpiece...
A masterpiece...

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