This is one-shot or there gonna be more chapters?

minus the need for more punctuation and i needing to be slowed down, i really really like this!

also, here's hoping for a potential twidash!

Ok, a few things. First and most importantly, SLOW THE HECK DOWN! It's like every couple of lines their at either a whole new location or a different time zone entirely.
Next thing, what was the point in having Twilight and Spines trick Rainbow and the others that they didn't speak the same language as them, only for them to practically shout it to the world as they leave the train? If you want to keep the fact you CAN speak the same language as someone hidden, then have them do it for a reason.

"Fine, come on lets put these dresses back and head home. I'll let my parents know that I dropped by but we're not staying here." Twilight stated in a dead tone and headed down the hallway and back to the closet putting on their other outfits and heading towards the main chamber hearing Princess Celestia talking.

"Come on lets say hello and then leave, I don't want to be here much longer." Twilight stated as she reached for the handle but stopped and backed away.

"I can't do this Spines, if I see him I might kill him." She said gripping one of the stone collums tightly before it started to crack.

Ok, we see that she hears Celestia on the other side, but it doesn't mention who else might be there, so she just suddenly explodes because she psychically knows her brother is in there too? She didn't hear his voice on the other side, or Celestia mention his name as if talking to him? I.E. Asking him a question?

collums = columns

Then there's completely skipping the fight scene with Twilight and Chrysalis, I mean that in itself could have made up half a chapter with detail and dialogue alone. If your going to depict Twilight as a bad ass you need to do more than just provide sudden and instant shows of her strength and power for pretty much no reason. Getting pissed off cause her brother didn't want her there and nearly crushing a column under sheer muscle strength? I can understand the mood of the situation, but it lasts all of what, 2 seconds?

There's no time to have any kind of reaction for any of this. If this is gonna be an action fic, then you need to show that in your writing. Provide detailed fight scenes, location, collateral damage, the whole 9 yards.

Other than that, I really believe you have something good here, you just need to slow it down, take your time and stretch scenes out. You don't need to have an entire week go by in a single chapter.

I'll give you a like for the effort you put in, but I can't give it a fav just yet, I'll bookmark it though, and keep an eye on it.

But good luck with the rest of the story! Sorry if anything I said was too harsh or offended you

3664044

Agreed wholeheartedly lol

I like the idea. My issue with this story however is that it is moving too fast for its own good.
Will track for now...lets see where this goes.

3664231 no thanks actually I'm actually going to go back and put the fight in among others things. Oh and as for them screaming out in equestrian that was my bad it was suppose to be in parentheses

3664019 more chapters!

*Reads the short summary*

Okay. I will admit, that sounds fing awesome.

3665259 and you have it

3665600 thanks but I know I need to gover the other chaps before posting them

3664980

MUCH BETTER

There are still a few things that could use fixing, but they're small and far between. Well done with the fight scene as well, that's what I was hoping for!

You just earned yourself a fav and tracking

Good chapter. How will Cadence react when she find's out Shining Armor has a sister and how he has treated her.

This was a nice read, besides the small errors and a few confusing parts on who was speaking. Hope to see more chapters posted soon! :D

I like the idea, but it seems rather rushed, and could be done a bit more. It needs more build up, and the first chapter needs to be spread out a bit more, over two or three chapters, to give it more room for development and growth. There needs to be more build up to Twi's rage, more backstory, and more fight scene. It is a good try, but needs to be done better, sorry

3668008 what guy said

This chapter is rushed. You could have the first chapter spread out more if your able to put more detail into it. You have four chapters in this one chapter.

Just gonna put it out there; you will need an editor for your spelling and sentence structure/context of the story layout.

Despite that, this story is intriguing and I look forward to seeing you improve and write a lot more.

3670579
Rushed and filled with terrible sentence structure and grammar. I recommend an editor.

3671504 True

Love the concept but you need to structure better, wording seems a tad off, finally it was too rushed, I would get an editor and maybe break this story into two or three chapters. Apart from that I think that this is an amazing Idea.

A few spelling errors, but nothing I couldn;'t figure out. THe damndest part was figuring out if these were Humanized ponies or not. You mention things like "clenched fists" and such but then you use equine terms like "mane" and "coat".

good story cant wait to see where you go with this

What if I read the description and decided not to read this?

3674573 is that a serious question?

3673157 anthropology so I'm still gonna say manes and tails but they have hands and feet not hooves in this one

Next time Twilight meats the legendary warrior Red Hair. (Lubu as a pony)

3677048 never heard of them

Twilight went super sayian but aside from that not bad keep it up

Way too fast paced and a giant cluster with hardly any bonding between her so called new friends.

This was a good idea ruined by shoddy execution.

AU where Sunset replaces Twilight as Element of Magic, interesting. Twilight goes and trains in Neighpon? Also intriguing, though I'd have her as more of a Wu jen than a straight up martial artist. Also no anthro, since it adds nothing to the story.

Unfortunately, the way thing were set up make no sense. Maybe they would if they'd been framed better, and not just by brief descriptive paragraphs, but even so, it feels like I was seeing a series of movie clips rather than a narrative. Why would Shining refuse to help his little sister? Where did she get her training before she left and why was Shining training with her when he said he wouldn't? Why is Sunset Shimmer there? Properly done it could have been engaging.

There's also a whole arc worth of Twilight travelling to Nighpon and training with the Kirin wu jen.

Her relationship with the Mane Six feels shoe horned in rather than organically growing, and the final fight with Chrysalis was too easy and as a result underwhelming.

Let me restate. Great story idea. Just not well implemented.

4291125 on a phone. I tried likeing your comment. Touch screen fail.

3677399 Lu Bu (also known as Fengxian) was a military general and warlord from China's Eastern Han Dynasty during what was also known as the Waring States Period. It was a very interesting and tumultuous time in Chinese history.

Very interesting story. I enjoy the concept.

So, this has been in my "Read Later" list for some time, and I finally got around to reading it. It's an excellent concept, but just not very well executed. Pretty much what this guy said: 4291125. It just seems like this was rushed for the purposes of getting to what happens after (though I haven't read anymore, yet).

(7 years ago, after IT happened and Twilight graduated)

After IT happened Twilight had stopped speaking to anyone only unless necessary

Don't do this. Don't play the "pronoun game". It cheapens whatever "it" is and sounds more like you're taunting us saying, "I know a secret and I'm not telling!" Instead, drop hints that something happened, giving us more and more pieces as time goes on. Give us a chance to figure it out ourselves over the course of several chapters.

Twilight looked up to see the shield around the capital falling making her sigh while hearing evil laughter and saw the imposter change into a changeling and swarms of her hive stormed the city.

"Twi you ok?" She asked getting a nod from the mare who started to stand up when a pink blast came from the center of the capital knocking all the changeling out with it.

Chrysalis' reveal and the love wave were intense, exciting scenes in the show, yet you just gloss over them the same way someone would if it was Twilight taking a sip of tea.

Basically, this lacks substance. It's more of an outline to the first chapter of a story. All the events in this chapter should have taken three times as long to happen at least. The events leading to Twilight leaving Equestria should have been an entire chapter of its own of the same length as this one.

I can't begin to tell you how good it felt when Twilight beat the shit out of Chrysalis, but I can tell you this. It was... orgasmic.

Gosh, op twilight... Thumbs up.

Forgiveness bullshit, why am I not surprised.

If this is edited version, im deeply dissapointed

This story has a great concept, but the actual writing is so bad that I can't keep reading. There's very little description, so you never know who's talking or where they are. The dialogue is also filled with awkward phrasing and random bursts of capitalisation. Twilight has way too may mood swings, going from angry, to happy at a line from Spines, who just seems like a generic sidekick OC.

This first chapter has the content of three or four mashed up into one, and the pacing is way too fast. Nothing is given proper explanation because it isn't given enough screentime. Rather than opening out with the wedding, you could have started with Twilight's training in Neighpan. Twilight is entirely too op and as a result everything seems bland. The grammar is also atrocious, and if this is the edited version, I shudder to think what the unedited version was like.

All in all, this was disappointing.

I managed to laugh, cheer, and smile at every violent part as well as decide I love this story before the end of the first chapter. I'm a stickler for romance and violence

"Now please if everyone would file out of the room Princess-CRASH!!!"

Twilight said the word crash XD

3674908
Bklaggh feet.

"Goddesses I wanted to do that for so long." Twilight said while Cadence ran over to him.

"You didn't have to hit him that hard!!" Cadence yelled as Twilight shrugged.

"Meh. He's awake isn't he?" She said as Cadence glared before turning back to Shining.

LOL

I'm glad to be rereading this.

theres potential here ill admit but the story feels cold
you needed alot more detail work on this to really make it shine descriptions of charicters, areas, what they are doing
thoughts how they are feeling things like that

This whole chapter could've been a story of its own. It felt way to rushed as well. As for the argument with Twilight and Shining, it could've been a lot better. Like, they are going along just fine, then suddenly argument and separation. While that is believable, the argument topic wasn't something as close as those two would've seperated over. Even with all of the problems Two had growing up, and having a good reason for Shining not training her earlier. The idea of Shiny just up and saying Twi should've just given up on her dreams so she didn't get targeted is stupid. One, thise kinds of bullies stick with their target. Twi, if she had made friends like he had suggested, they could've helped defend her. Here is a better idea. Over time, after the 'unmentionable incident'*, small arguments could be had between the two, negative feelings slowly building in her overtime before they came to a head outside of the showers after the incident with Spitfire. Then Shining could argue that Twi has had time to get over it.** Which would set Twi off on the 'you could've trained me tangent', and Shiny could've retorted with something equally as stubborn to fit the argument. Twi would storm off back home to sit in her room and think. Shiny would come back later that evening and apologize and try to explain what he meant. Twi, being stubborn and still heated from the argument after years of buildup and the sudden release just a couple hours prior, would tjhen restart the argument. This would be a back and forth argument till Shiny or Twi would say something too hurtful, causing the other two back off and say 'fine, I give up then.' This is what would cause the seperation and Two would leave to do things.

* ding, cenima sin! This should be known by the readers, and Shining could bring this event up during the second half of the big argument. This would hammer home the arguments force to drive Twi away. Shining doing this ties into my next point.

**Shining is not stupid, but like most males, he is thick skulled. He understands that ignoring bullies doesn't always make them go away, but he doesn't realize that Twi is still dealing with the trauma of the incident.

I have another point to make, but what I have already done has kinda taken up my already dwindling brain power. I am enjoying most of this so far. I'll make another comment later.

Man I missed reading badass twilight fics