Wolloh Esrever
Joined 4th Aug, 2013 ·
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What a wonderful foray into the minds of today's youth, very wholesome. I need to start writing least I look like an even bigger hypocrite.
uhm
just from looking at this story, i can tell my sanity will be irreversibly damaged.
SCREW IT, ON WITH THE STORY.
EDIT: hooooolyshit i was right
well done, good sir.
That was utterly horrific and disgusting.
...
And yet somehow mesmerising. Featherweight knows what he feels is wrong and he would do anything to prevent his possible future actions. He knows he is sick and twisted, but can't help but fantasize these awful things. Kinda reminds me of American Psycho.
...
Could do with some editing, but I'm giving this a thumbs up.
First fic, and all in all the longest thing I've ever written in English. The keyword here is criticism. Criticize me hard.
3637252>>3636963
Well, thank you.
That's exactly what I wanted to talk about. I can't believe I somehow succeded.
Faved on the first line. Powerful opening.
Several grammar mistakes, but they're forgivable. It reminds me strongly of American Psycho, but less gory. Another complaint I have is that the brain isn't an on/off button, Sweetie Belle had the potential to live for several hours, with increasingly impaired functionality. Essentially, Featherweight just gave her a partial lobotomy.
3642348
Aw thanks, you'll make me blush
3641994
I think it depends on the extenction of the damage. I havent't really considered anatomy while writing.
Grammar mistakes on the other hand are unacceptable
Would you point a couple of them out (if you don't mind)?
Hm. HM. Hmmm... hum. AHEM!
I am at odds with myself over this piece.
I find it reads primarily as an electric little excerpt snipped uncensored from the ill brooding of a young mind; there it is boiling away haplessly, with a scintillating sexuality and violent need, all concocted due a relentless oncoming chemical maturity aware that fantasy and reality are so precariously close to each other. Your words read as visceral, honest thoughts that dare to be physically enacted, yet in almost all of us they ring shamelessly familiar - they truly evoke the most provocative and brutish moments during a budding adolescence. Whether we'd ever openly admit it, we remain animals born to kill. I had bullies in school that I wanted dead so badly, and I placated my sorrow with hundreds of mental scenarios in which they'd all met gruesome ends... sadly, they mostly went on to marry rich and have wonderful children and houses and cars and lead lovely wine-soaked lives. I er... have since gone on to amass a nice collection of shoes. I suppose that's good enough!
My sticking point is this: avoiding the forgivable and forgettable grammatical issues (my writing suffers from such almost purposefully - I've since elected to label it an "artistic style"), I can't for the life of me figure how this could be your first piece in English! This isn't an easy dialect as is, yet in this short narrative you've proven to convey very complex situations involving both the imagined and emotional, all provided quite precisely - I felt you meant every word, and thus nothing in this piece lacked purpose to me.
Seriously, bravo. You have my attention. I'm glad I read this!
3669511
Oh gosh, you really have no idea how much l appreciate your comment. I would like to reciprocate with your story, but I'm afraid literary analysis is not my forte.
Again thank, thank you.