Luirt was a normal 20 year old adult or as close to normal as he could get. He was the son of a famous ship builder and shared his father's fame. After a junk salvage mission goes wrong he is stranded on Equestria with no way home. Will he live with the ponys in peace or will someponys hatred for his kind run him away. And remember with most teen ratings there will be swear words.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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---INITIATING AUTOMATED STORY CREATION---
DESIGNATION: SELF INSERT HiE #5224629
---PREPARING COMPONENTS FOR ADDITION---
-SELF INSERT PROTAGONIST [X]
-SOMEHOW TRAPPED IN EQUESTRIA [X]
-IRRATIONAL HATRED [X]
-SOMEHOW 'SPECIAL' [X]
-STUPID NAME [X]
---ERROR: THE FOLLOWING STORY COMPONENTS DO NOT FIT WITHIN THE GIVEN MATERIAL AND HAVE AS SUCH NOT BEEN ADDED---
-PLOT [ ]
-RELATABLE CHARACTERS [ ]
-HALFWAY DECENT STORYLINE [ ]
-THE BARE BASICS OF SPELLING AND GRAMMAR [ ]
---ERROR: FOLLOWING COMPONENTS NOT FOUND---
-GENERAL AUTHOR COMPETENCE
-LITERARY SKILL
---PLEASE CHOOSE A REPLACEMENT---
-LIKEABLE CHARACTERS [ ]
-HEART [ ]
-EFFORT [ ]
-PROFANITY [X]
---WARNING: OUTPUT WILL BE REALLY, REALLY AWFUL. DO YOU WISH TO PROCEED?---
-Y [X]
-N [ ]
---AUTOMATED STORY CREATION COMPLETED. POSTING ON INTERNET---
>ponys
>someponys
i.imgur.com/MBTHscH.png
Don't just say this is bad or horrible post what exactly is wrong and it has to be something I can fix.
3631773 BITCH!!!
I
YOU
3631947 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Uhhhhhhhh
S>>3632051 So your going to act like a little kid and tell me that something is wrong with my story but you won't tell me how I could fix it
3631947
For starters you skip any kind of introduction and just dump our "hero" onto Equestria. We don't learn anything about him beyond what the description tells us (which should be worked into the fic instead) and therefore don't care about him. Then he's not all that likeable when we do get to know about him.
You don't describe anything except in passing. This gives the feeling of being rushed.
He also doesn't react very realistically to having a big piece of glass in his side. He's just like "oh can't take that out", and then the pain somehow subsides? I'm no expert on stuff like that but that sounds like total bull.
It's also extremely generic in who he meets first. Runs into Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash is a bitch and beats him up... This has been done before, lots of times.
His name is... well it's not great. Luirt? Sounds like an alien. Luis/Lewis/Leland, etc. all are better, more realistic names. I don't even know how to pronounce Luirt.
You also have lots of grammatic/spelling issues. Not gonna list all of them, but running it by someone you know who's good at that sorta thing or just using Word's built in spell/grammar check will fix that.
You don't explain what things mean. The hell is an Elec Sword? A type Gold Bike? And who's the rotting copilot? How is he rotting already? Didn't they just crash land recently? How does Luirt know him? Why do you just say Luirt feels bad about that dude's death instead of describing how he feels?
3632126 I thought La Barata covered everything for ya
I needed a double whiskey to get myself through this. Now I'm going to give this mary sue thing a dislike and move on.
It's like you're saying this stuff happens and every oncei n a while you go, "Oh look a bird" and then move on
3631773
I found this way easier to read than this story...
Basically everything that Commissar-Rarity mentioned is what I was going to comment on. I am by no means really qualified to give very good criticism but this was kind of hard to read, and I give lots of leeway fan-made stories as they are generally not written by professional writers.
The rushed feeling of the story threw it off for me. While I like a lot of video games, fantasy stuff, and sci-fi, it only gives me my basis on what things like your Ele Sword, or the up-link helmet (lots and lots of things this could be up-linking too). The Type Gold bike, honestly it is making me think of Mobile Suit Gundam which is probably not what you want.
The rotting co-pilot.. before I even got past that I was already thinking how in the ..... and planned on making a comment on that which I just did. Takes more then a few hours to actually start noticeable rotting, even a day or two possibly.
The hunk of glass impaling him. I am no medical expert, but I have had my fair share of injuries. If you have a hunk of glass embedded in you to the point that pulling it out would cause even more bleeding and damage, you are not ok, nor are you just going to continue on like it is nothing unless you are a cyborg. That being said, it is your story so maybe he has been genetically altered, or some special tech is involved, or even that is how humans have evolved or something. Might want to explain how he is ignoring it though. A crushed ribcage can cause all sorts of internal injuries. Being struck with such a force that it throws you back 10 feet and breaks your ribs will not let you instantly get back up usually. You mentioned the hard to breathe also, indicating to me possible lung puncture.
Grammar and spelling, well, I suck at both so I am not the best to help with on that. There was noticeable to me errors though and too many to point out on here. I recommend finding someone to help edit, or a friend to pre-read and give pointers at least.
I do not wish this to be mean or condescending and hope it is not interpreted that way. You asked for the things we felt were wrong so that you could fix them and I pointed out the things I noticed. It is completely your story and up to you how you want it to be. To me as long as you explain why something is you can make anything be what you want. Such as being able to ignore the glass in his side, explain why and tada to me its all good. It could even be he stuck green polka dot jelly to it as long as you explained it quick heals wounds or something.
Regardless, you took the time to write something and share it. That to me deserves some recognition as not everyone is willing to do that.
3631773
I have to admin that was a pretty funny post.
3631773 ummmmm...... what?