Lost and Hurt

by Infin789

Blackout

Luirt woke with a start and looked around his self. He saw that he was in a dark forest and he saw that his ship was a wreck. Half of the ship was wedged in a large tree and the other half was buried in the dirt. He tried to get up but stopped when he felt a sharp pain in his left arm. When he looked at it he saw a large shard of glass was stuck in his arm.

He knew he couldn't pull it out with out causing massive bleeding. When the pain subsided he walked over to the wreck of his ship. He went to the half that was stuck in the ground. On the inside it wasn't all that bad. He searched for something that he could use and found a solar blaster, a few pain pills, and some combat armor.

When he was searching around he found the rotting body of one of his co-pilots. He knew the pilot by name so it hit him harder when he found his body. After searching for a few more minutes Luirt went to search the other half of his ship. When he saw what had happen to the other half of his ship he was amazed. The half stuck in the tree had the tree in the middle of it.

He couldn't understand it, but he didn't let it bother him too much. Inside the half of the ship he found a Ele Sword, a up-link helmet, and keys to a turbo bike. After picking up the keys a thought came to mind. He knew all Turbo Bike keys had a find bike button on it. When he pushed the button he heard a beeping noise coming from the forest.

After some searching and 12 cuts he found the Turbo Bike pod. Inside he found a Type Gold bike. He pulled the bike out and brought it back to the clearing. When he got there the sun started to rise. He thought it was a little weird that the sun came out so fast but he needed the light. He then unfolded the Turbo Bike and checked it for any damage.

While he was doing that he heard a rustling noise coming from behind him. He world normally ignore it thinking it was a small animal, but the rustling was loud for a animal. He quickly set his blaster to stun and aimed it at the bush. After waiting for a while something did come out of the bush. What he saw was weirder that the tree in his ship.

A yellow pony walked out of the bush and when it saw him let out a small eep. As soon as it stepped out the pony ran back into the bush leaving Luirt with a hanging jaw. He had never seen anything like it before except for horses, but they died out decades ago. After recovering from the shock he got up and walked back towards his bike. As soon as he put a hand on it he heard a shout coming from behind him.

When he turned around he saw a blue pony with a rainbow mane with a pissed off face. He was confused by the pony's strange hatred for him. Before he could say anything the blue pony shouted again saying” HOW DARE YOU SCARE FLUTTERSHY YOU THING”. At first Luirt didn't know what she was talking about, but then he remembered the yellow pony from before. When he tried to apologize the pony rushed him.

In a matter of seconds the pony connected with Luirt's chest. Luirt was sent back 10 feet and landed on his back. He felt his ribs breaking and crunching and found it hard to breath. He got back up and aimed his blaster at her. When the pony rushed him again he fired a stun wave.

The pony eyes went wide and went up to avoid the wave, but her lower body was caught by it. The pony hit the ground with a thud. When the pony hit the ground Luirt saw 5 more ponies come running out of the bush. They circled the fallen pony and started to talk. “Rainbow what happen to you”, said the purple pony.

The blue pony then pointed it's hoof at Luirt. They all turned to look at him and didn't know what to say or do. The only pony that said anything was the orange one with a cowboy hat. “What did you do to ma friend you beast”, said the pony as she moved towards Luirt. Before she could move more than 1 foot he aimed his blaster at her and said “Don't even think about it”.

That stopped her right in her tracks. They stared at each other for a few minutes before the purple pony called her back and said “Applejack we don't need you to start fight with it because we don't know if it meant to attack Rainbow.”

The orange pony turn towards her friend with a speechless face and said “Twi how can you say that you can't attack somepony and you didn't mean it.” Luirt was just standing there trying to process everything that was happening and when he thought about it he spoke up.

“Ok let me tell you something it was your friend's fault that she got stunned.”

“How is it not you fault that she's like this”, said the furious pony.

“ First of all she came out of that bush and yelled at me saying I scared someone name Fluttershy. Then she rammed me in the chest and broke my fucking rib cage”, said Luirt while holding his chest in pain. Everyone looked at the blue pony who had a guilty face.

“Rainbow did you attack him first.”

The pony held her head down for a few seconds before she said “Yes. I did attack him first.”

“Now why did you do that you broke his ribs for crying out loud Rainbow”, said the purple pony

“I thought he was chasing Fluttershy and trying to get her.”

“Oh Rainbow you need to learn to think before you act. If you keep this up who knows what will happen to you”

After talking with the blue pony the purple one walked ovet ot Luirt and said “Sorry about Rainbow she can get like this sometimes. Also my name is Twilight nice to meet you.”
-

Author's Note:

Hi this is my first fic so constructive criticism is welcom

Comments

[azednew]

uh

uhm

wat

[La Barata]

---INITIATING AUTOMATED STORY CREATION---
DESIGNATION: SELF INSERT HiE #5224629
---PREPARING COMPONENTS FOR ADDITION---
-SELF INSERT PROTAGONIST [X]
-SOMEHOW TRAPPED IN EQUESTRIA [X]
-IRRATIONAL HATRED [X]
-SOMEHOW 'SPECIAL' [X]
-STUPID NAME [X]
---ERROR: THE FOLLOWING STORY COMPONENTS DO NOT FIT WITHIN THE GIVEN MATERIAL AND HAVE AS SUCH NOT BEEN ADDED---
-PLOT [ ]
-RELATABLE CHARACTERS [ ]
-HALFWAY DECENT STORYLINE [ ]
-THE BARE BASICS OF SPELLING AND GRAMMAR [ ]
---ERROR: FOLLOWING COMPONENTS NOT FOUND---
-GENERAL AUTHOR COMPETENCE
-LITERARY SKILL
---PLEASE CHOOSE A REPLACEMENT---
-LIKEABLE CHARACTERS [ ]
-HEART [ ]
-EFFORT [ ]
-PROFANITY [X]
---WARNING: OUTPUT WILL BE REALLY, REALLY AWFUL. DO YOU WISH TO PROCEED?---
-Y [X]
-N [ ]
---AUTOMATED STORY CREATION COMPLETED. POSTING ON INTERNET---

[Luz]

Will he live with the ponys in peace or will someponys hatred for his kind run him away

>ponys
>someponys
i.imgur.com/MBTHscH.png

[Infin789]

Don't just say this is bad or horrible post what exactly is wrong and it has to be something I can fix.

[454CASULL23]

3631773 BITCH!!!

I YOU

[454CASULL23]

3631947 NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[Infin789]

Uhhhhhhhh

[Infin789]

S>>3632051 So your going to act like a little kid and tell me that something is wrong with my story but you won't tell me how I could fix it

[Commissar Rarity]

3631947
For starters you skip any kind of introduction and just dump our "hero" onto Equestria. We don't learn anything about him beyond what the description tells us (which should be worked into the fic instead) and therefore don't care about him. Then he's not all that likeable when we do get to know about him.

You don't describe anything except in passing. This gives the feeling of being rushed.

He also doesn't react very realistically to having a big piece of glass in his side. He's just like "oh can't take that out", and then the pain somehow subsides? I'm no expert on stuff like that but that sounds like total bull.

It's also extremely generic in who he meets first. Runs into Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash is a bitch and beats him up... This has been done before, lots of times.

His name is... well it's not great. Luirt? Sounds like an alien. Luis/Lewis/Leland, etc. all are better, more realistic names. I don't even know how to pronounce Luirt.

You also have lots of grammatic/spelling issues. Not gonna list all of them, but running it by someone you know who's good at that sorta thing or just using Word's built in spell/grammar check will fix that.

You don't explain what things mean. The hell is an Elec Sword? A type Gold Bike? And who's the rotting copilot? How is he rotting already? Didn't they just crash land recently? How does Luirt know him? Why do you just say Luirt feels bad about that dude's death instead of describing how he feels?

[454CASULL23]

3632126 I thought La Barata covered everything for ya

[Generaal]

I needed a double whiskey to get myself through this. Now I'm going to give this mary sue thing a dislike and move on.

[HyperBlossom7]

It's like you're saying this stuff happens and every oncei n a while you go, "Oh look a bird" and then move on

[Another_Dead_Account1109]

3631773

I found this way easier to read than this story...

[Topaz Moon]

Basically everything that Commissar-Rarity mentioned is what I was going to comment on. I am by no means really qualified to give very good criticism but this was kind of hard to read, and I give lots of leeway fan-made stories as they are generally not written by professional writers.

The rushed feeling of the story threw it off for me. While I like a lot of video games, fantasy stuff, and sci-fi, it only gives me my basis on what things like your Ele Sword, or the up-link helmet (lots and lots of things this could be up-linking too). The Type Gold bike, honestly it is making me think of Mobile Suit Gundam which is probably not what you want.

The rotting co-pilot.. before I even got past that I was already thinking how in the ..... and planned on making a comment on that which I just did. Takes more then a few hours to actually start noticeable rotting, even a day or two possibly.

The hunk of glass impaling him. I am no medical expert, but I have had my fair share of injuries. If you have a hunk of glass embedded in you to the point that pulling it out would cause even more bleeding and damage, you are not ok, nor are you just going to continue on like it is nothing unless you are a cyborg. That being said, it is your story so maybe he has been genetically altered, or some special tech is involved, or even that is how humans have evolved or something. Might want to explain how he is ignoring it though. A crushed ribcage can cause all sorts of internal injuries. Being struck with such a force that it throws you back 10 feet and breaks your ribs will not let you instantly get back up usually. You mentioned the hard to breathe also, indicating to me possible lung puncture.

Grammar and spelling, well, I suck at both so I am not the best to help with on that. There was noticeable to me errors though and too many to point out on here. I recommend finding someone to help edit, or a friend to pre-read and give pointers at least.

I do not wish this to be mean or condescending and hope it is not interpreted that way. You asked for the things we felt were wrong so that you could fix them and I pointed out the things I noticed. It is completely your story and up to you how you want it to be. To me as long as you explain why something is you can make anything be what you want. Such as being able to ignore the glass in his side, explain why and tada to me its all good. It could even be he stuck green polka dot jelly to it as long as you explained it quick heals wounds or something.

Regardless, you took the time to write something and share it. That to me deserves some recognition as not everyone is willing to do that.

3631773
I have to admin that was a pretty funny post.

[Prince Artie]

3631773 ummmmm...... what?