Detective Pie

by Random Gamer

Pie Murder

"It was a murder," proclaimed Pinkie, "a pie murder!"

"Shouldn't you be more specific? You know, someone may think it has something to do with ponies," said Twilight and handed her a bubble pipe, Pinkie's iconic tool for releaving stress during crime investigation."And I'm sure at least one would mistake Murder Pie as a pony's name." She also wore a fancy hat, that told everyone within line of sight that she was a detective. Shortly after, she turned to a wall and started talking to it.

"Oh, right. Don't try to make cupcakes happen, it's not going to happen. Ya hear me? Oh, I know what you're thinking. I'm out here to get you! Just you turn around you wall of lies!" shouted Pinkie at the wall.

"Cupcakes?" said Twilight."What do you mean Pinkie? And why are you talking to a wall? I don't think it knows anything of this so-called pie murder."

"You don't want to know," Pinkie smoked the pipe and a couple of red bubbles came out of it. "You'd never want any of my cupcakes anymore."

"Why not? Your cupcakes are the best!" Pinkie sighted and rolled her eyes.

"Okay, fine. You'll tell me later," replied Twilight. "I just hope you won't forget like the last time I asked what's a ginger."

"Don't get started on that again. I'll tell you later, I pinkie promise you that. But for now, let's talk to the crime suspects. One of them probably did that awful thing!" she turned her face to a bunch of ponies. "You, Sweetie Belle, did you eat the strawberry pie after Mrs. and Mr. Cake left the kitchen?"

"No, I didn't," said Sweetie Belle, nervous. "I don't like strawberries and besides, I was here for the goods Rarity wanted. Those were mostly muffins and an apple pie."

"Oh, I can see it now. You just went to the kitchen when no one saw you and ate it! Left nothing but a devastated plate!"

"Pinkie, she already told you she didn't do it. We should point hooves only after we have the correct suspect." Said Twilight.

"I'll keep my eye on you. Don't you dare leave Sugarcube Corner!" Pinkie looked angrily at Sweetie Belle for a couple of seconds and then moved on to the next suspect.

"And you, Mr. Cake, did you eat the pie?"

"No, of course not. I was helping my wife more than usual ever since you left, but I had to turn away from the pie when Pound Cake started crying. I should have gotten someone to look after them little fillies. Umm... Is that all you wanted to know?"

"Don't answer my question with another question! Tell me the truth or I'll arrest you for causing a caketastrophy!" shouted Pinkie, which caused Mr. Cake to sight.

"I just didn't do it." He said, annoyed by the self-proclaimed 'detective'.

"You had the opporturnity and were on the right place and at the right time! Who else would have done that?"

"Pinkie, I had to take care of Pound Cake while Pumpkin Cake was sleeping. I hope you don't expect me to be at two places at once." Twilight sighted and rolled her eyes.

"What?!" let out Pinkie furiously. "You mean that's not normal?!" Upon hearing this, Twilight sighed.

"This is going nowhere," she said. "I think I'll take care of this." Afterwards, she swapped her hat with Pinkie's.

"Hey, I was this close," Pinkie gestures a very small distance with her hoove. "To catching the one who did it!" Pinkie then tried to take the hat back, ignoring the fact that Twilight held it in place with her magic.

"No, you weren't. You're not even doing it right. You're doing the bad cop on a bunch of ponies who are your friends."

"What? Didn't you see me on MMMystery on the Friendship Express? I almost had them but noo, you had to disturb me!"

"What are you talking about Pinkie? That was a regular train, not an express train, and by the way, you only managed to pull off a few false accusations. You didn't do any actual investigation. I did."

"No 'actual' investigation? Then tell me what's this!" Pinkie handed her a bunch of dyed hair. "I found it on the plate." Twilight examined it for a while and in the meantime, Pinkie stole her hat back.

"Pinkie, I'm sorry if you think I was rude, but it's just that you like to solve things the hard way," lectured her Twilight."That's not how detectives should act!"

"A good detective must use force when it's necesarry," She said and smoked the pipe again. "You're also forgetting I'm no regular detective." A bushy moustache appeared on her face.

"That quote... from which book is that quote?" Twilight just started in confusion as Pinkie tried to sound as an elderly stallion whilst wearing her moustache. "And why do you have a moustache?"

"I made it up and I'm suprised you never heard of fake moustaches," Pinkie stroked the moustache a bit, still sounding like a fake elderly stallion. "Does this make me look smarter?" After that question, everyone except the one asking it rolled their eyes in disbelief.

"No, not really." Twilight proceeded to wash the hair with water and it was revealed to be rainbow-coloured.

"Aha! It was Rainbow Dash!" proclaimed Pinkie victoriously, now with her usual voice. "Did you leave the window open while you left the kitchen?"

"Yes, I did," said Mr. Cake. "Why?"

"Don't worry Mr. and Mrs. Cake, if my calculations are correct," she took a small cupcake from the table "She should be right there." Pinkie threw the cupcake at the tree and a loud 'ow' was heard, followed by someone saying 'hey, a cupcake!' They immediately went outside and found Rainbow Dash sitting on a tree, eating the cupcake, while her front hooves were covered with the remains of a strawberry pie.

"Rainbow Dash, you come down right now!" shouted Mr. Cake, angered. Rainbow Dash immediately flew down, her ears perked down and a worried smile on her face.

"Explain yourself!"

"I'm sorry Mr. and Mrs. Cake," she begun, speaking in a sad tone. "I was just flying by when I caught that delicious smell. It hypnotized me and I flew into Sugarcube Corner's kitchen to have a small bite. But it was so tasty that I couldn't help myself and ate all of it. I think I may have lost a few strands of my mane. Did... did you need it for a delivery?"

"Well, you're not the only one with an appetite for everything sweet, but you could have asked in the first place." said Mrs. Cake whilst looking at Pinkie Pie.

"So, you're not angry at me?" she asked.

"No, of course not. We were just suprised and slightly agitated by that, but it would be best if you don't do it again." said Mr. Cake. Rainbow Dash saluted and performed a bunch of acrobatic stunts in mid-air.

"See?" Pinkie teased Twilight. "I told you I would solve this!" Twilight just looked at her with a smile.

"Well, I underestimated you," muttered Twilight. "You're quite good at solving crimes. Never though someone like you would have a talent for it." Pinkie smiled as well, ableit it was a much happier smile than Twilight's.

"Me neither," she said and winked at something in the distance. "Maybe this isn't the only case I'll solve,"

"Now you can finally tell about Cupcakes and gingers," said Twilight. "Right?"

"Maybe in another chapter," said Pinkie and giggled. "Or another story."

Comments

[DismantledAccount]

Your review as promised.

Grammar score: 7 out of 10
Smaller errors: 8
Larger mistakes: 1
Overall: Good, but you have some more technical errors as well as some missed punctuation.
First of all, "sight" means vision, not "sigh", which means to exhale in a depressed manner.
Second, you had multiple examples of this:

he said, quite annoyed.

in your story. That is an example of "Telling" not "Showing". "Showing" is a bit hard to describe but easy to give an example of.
So, here's your sentence of "Telling":

he said, quite annoyed.

Here is an example of "Showing":

he said, frowning and glaring at Pinkie. He pawed at the ground with a forehoof before responding.

See what I did there?
Instead of telling you how he felt, I described how he felt.
Third, quotes inside of quotes don't look like this:

"No "actual" investigation? Then tell me what's this!"

They look like this:

"No 'actual' investigation? Then tell me what's this!"

Lastly, your short description has a misspelled word:

What if Pinkie became a proffesional

*professional

Plot:

What plot?
I still liked it though.

Pacing:
Altogether, not bad. I want more though. You could flesh out the dialogue a bit more. But the main problem was I didn't know where this was taking place. If you throw in some details that actually tell me where I am then you will get some much needed word count.

Overall:
I did enjoy it and wouldn't mind a second chapter.

[MythrilMoth]

"It was a murder," proclaimed Pinkie "a pie murder!"

"Shouldn't you be more specific? You know, someone may think it has something to do with ponies" said Twilight and handed her a bubble pipe, Pinkie's iconic tool for releaving stress during crime investigation.

In just the above sample, there are four grammar errors and one spelling error. Get an editor.

[Random Gamer]

4972615 Whoa. Did not expect a comment on a story after such a long time. It practically didn't change since November of last year, hence why I'm so suprised. Thanks for notifying me of the errors, I'll go fix them as soon as possible.