Universes collide, as Princeton is on the brink of insanity. He keeps hearing the voices of somebody crying for help, but he doesn't know who. he is just a typical brony except for his incessant love for the character Rainbowdash. He is convinced that Equestria is real and that he must save her. However, things go awry. and one of the only things left that keeps him sane..... is the fact that he has kept this a secret...... until now.
NOTE: This is not for bronies or pegasisters of the faint of heart. if you could not last through such things as My Little Dashie, Rainbow Factory, or Cupcakes, adventure if you dare.
Chapters (3)
God i need some constructive criticism ASAP
300055
I can do that. One moment while I give it a read. It may be brutal, but I promise I'm fair and detailed, and I try not to be especially mean about it.
Edit: Okay, that was quick. I'm going to be perfectly honest, but please read this to the end and don't be upset. I promise it gets better.
What Went Wrong?
Technical Errors
First of all, you need to proofread. This story is overrun with technical errors, the sort of which are nigh-inexcusable. There are loads of words that even a spell-checker would have caught, had you run it through (and I'm not suggesting you rely entirely on that, either). The paragraph formatting is really strange and there are line breaks in odd places. At various points, you've used Incorrect Capitalization, bold type, and rainbow text to illustrate emphasis. Pick one (hint: the middle one, or even better, italics) and stick with it, or best yet, don't do it at all. It's something you can pull off successfully as an advanced writer, but overdoing it is a novice pitfall.
Plot
This story jumps all over the place. I honestly had a hard time paying attention. You began with a somewhat interesting scene in the first chapter, but then in the second chapter we were in a new location with nearly every paragraph! You need consistency; you can't just decide "Now is the part where I force-feed you backstory for no real reason." I spent a good chunk of chapter two just trying to figure out how old this character was. He seemed like a younger person, but spoke of a war he fought in? And then we backtracked to high school, and...I just really had a hard time following what you were trying to say.
Dialogue
The dialogue, what little of it there was so far, was somewhat stiff. The characters stuck to one-liners, and you fell into another classic mistake with the way Pinkie's speech was written. With few exceptions, no one avoids contractions. "You are" isn't going to make a character sound much more menacing than "you're." While some characters in a story might have speech quirks and you may even encounter someone who does talk like that, I already know for certain that neither canon!Pinkie nor Cupcakes!Pinkie does.
How Do You Fix This?
This was probably really hard to read. I'm sincerely apologetic for having ripped into you like that, but you were asking for constructive criticism. So where's the constructive part? Right here!
Technical Errors
Like I mentioned above, don't just type the story and then post it. I know it's boring because you just finished writing it, but you need to read it start-to-finish when you're done writing. Even if you think you know what to expect, odds are you're going to find all kinds of weird mistakes, or things which simply don't sound as great as you thought the second time through. It's a good practice to do this whenever you write anything, in fact. I'll even be proofreading this critique before I hit "Save."
Plot
Plan your story out more thoroughly. You might have what seems like a cool idea in your head when you sit down to write it, but make sure it all fits together. Before writing a scene, ask yourself if this is really necessary right now. Make sure your story has a flow to it. A paragraph break is not an excuse for a complete change of subject. One sentence has to flow into the next, whether they're in the same paragraph or not. You change paragraphs to represent the changing of what's being discussed, sure, but the break isn't instantaneous. Keep things coherent, and try to think of more to say on a subject before you move onto the next so abruptly. This goes hand-in-hand with pacing. Tell the story at a comfortable speed. Don't just throw us as much information as you can as fast as you can. We want to take our time with the characters, read about the setting, and slowly take everything in before abruptly shifting to the next scene.
Dialogue
A lot of novice writers have a hard time with character interactions, particularly speech. There's a reason for this: to really get it right, you can't be yourself when you're writing for someone else! I don't want to hear what you think Pinkie Pie would say; I want to hear what Pinkie Pie would say! There's a very big difference. Fortunately, there's a trick you can develop for this. It will be hard at first, but give it some practice before you judge this: when you're writing for a character, imagine that character in your mind, saying what you're about to write. If you can't hear Pinkie's voice saying what you wrote, exactly how you wrote it, then you didn't get it right. This is especially easy when writing a story about something wherein the characters have canon voices, so you've at least picked a good show to practice with.
Conclusion and Friendly Advice
Don't be disheartened by this. You're giving it an effort and you're putting your heart out there and that's a good thing. But no one is a prolific author on day one. It takes time and practice and constant struggle. It comes easier to some than it does to others, but everyone starts off with nothing. You mentioned yourself that this is your first fan-fiction, so I know you're inexperienced. There are two things you can do about this, and you need to do both in equal parts. Firstly, read more. I'm not saying you don't already read enough; I can't say that because I don't know you. But whatever you do, make sure you keep on reading. It's one of the best things you can do as a writer. Second, go write some more! It doesn't have to be about ponies, either. It can be about anything. Just practice. Practice until your brain is oatmeal and your fingers ache, and then practice some more!
...Okay that may be a bit far, and you should definitely take a break from writing when you get a headache or your hands start bothering you, but you get my drift here. The most important thing is that you don't give up. If you give up, you'll have wasted not only your time, but mine as well! By writing this comment, I'm making an investment in your future ability as a writer. Even if you only do it for fun, and I don't think you'd be writing fan-fiction if you didn't think writing was fun, I want you to keep on trying. Go ahead and finish this story if you want, too. The more you write, the better, after all!
dear god... okay, i know that's pinkamena, in the setting of cupcakes... kinda overdone, but i'll roll with it, okay, i have no problem with it.
318083 The funny thing is that i do proofread. However, This was only to see if people would even like the idea of this story. I promise that when the actual fully revised story comes out, you will be intrigued and waiting for more.
Also, the first chapter of this story was in fact written sloppily. even though I have revised it a litte, I plan to revise it more. So I would also like to ask you to be one of my proofreaders.
Your criticism is appreciated
I actually really liked it. I hope to see more chapters soon!
I might read, I survived Cupcakes (barely!
).
592736 Heh, I can believe that. It takes a strong mind to not throw your computer monitor out the window in either anger or fear. But I think that Cupcakes is probably based on Sweeny Todd.
592751
I know, I was on the edge of going like NO. Then doing a derp-rail. It's really easy with a laptop.
592906
It might be a bit late for this, but I'ma go out on a limb here...
Uh... The original is the one where the guy- I honestly haven't a fucking clue what I'm talking about now that I have discovered that this character and I both have an unhealthy romantic interest in a uh *cough* certain rainbow pony *cough*.
I'ma go sit in a corner now...