Trixie, in her pursuit of ancient and powerful magicks, has found herself on an island chain just off the coast of Equestria searching for powers to win in another duel against Twilight. During her conquests in the island chain, she stumbles on a unique opportunity. She'll soon discover just how unique this really is.
Humanized ponies
Note: I haven't seen any of the fourth season yet, but I heard it has some history about the princesses and the Elements. This story ignores all of that since I haven't seen the 4th season. Tagging Alternate Universe just in case, though.
Chapters (3)
A Lich?
Color me intrigued.
Edit:
Alright, just read it.
It's a wee bit bland, mostly just putting the setting and background in place, with some dialogue thrown in.
Will watch and see how it progresses.
Whew, jeez, I always feel like a dick when somebody asks for feedback and I just sort of don't want to bother, so for once, I'm gonna give you a little something something.
The most basic, go-to advice you'll see people on this site give to authors is "Get an editor". I, of course, would always stress that you should get a competent editor, but, y'know, that's a thing. Point being, get an editor. And make sure he's competent, I think there are some groups for that or.. something, I don't know. Now, main beef.
Firstly, internal dialogue, I always prefer thoughts to be written in italics, it's such a great way to just key the reader in that "This is a thought". Don't think people will get confused just because italics can also refer to words that are stressed in a sentence, those are usually isolated and within the bounds of two quotation marks. Likewise, when you want to stress a word in a thought, just un-italicize it. It works like that, yo.
Secondly, there's a bit of an expectation drop in between your summary and your chapters. The summary goes straight into the meat of things, giving you the gist of it on a platter, and while I went "Awesome! Lichness, yo!" I also went "What in the name of Zeus' third nipple are we doing in a bar?". Given that you gave away the scenario that gives birth to the plot very specifically, but then decide to start the story off behind that sort of just makes me sit here and feel really, really antsy. "I was promised a Lich, goddamit, and I shall have it! I don't want to hear about this!" Where you keeping the good, saucy stuff, bro? You could, instead, just say "But Trixie's search are about to come to an end, and her troubles about to start" or something in the summary and then the picture would serve to hold interest, mayhap.
Thirdly, I'm not exactly awestruck by the vitality of your writing. This is a bit of a gray-area, and just commenting on it might make me a bit of a douche, but there's a lot of "She/Trixie did/felt", and it just feels a tad dry. I also feel that Trixie, as a character, could use an injection of her loudmouthedness, not necessarily towards others, but more when she's alone. I can't quite explain it in grand detail, and that makes me lacking, but the story just feels a tad lackluster, like it needs a hook, or a strong personality. Maybe build a tad more on the barkeeper dialogue, make it less contrived exposition and more interesting, dynamic. Make it more back-and-forth, give Trixie some more actions during the dialogue and have her ease the knowledge out of him.
If you have questions, ask, and we can discuss it. The concept sounds really, really good, but I'd hate to see it crash and burn, I'd much rather help you polish it up a bit so it can get a tad bit popular. Also if possible make your chapters a tad longer? I know a lot of people are fond of 3-7k word chapters, as an average. I prefer 20k word chapters, but that's just me.
Now, I'll leave you to it. Ho~!
3849626 Good advice, and very much appreciated
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Regarding getting an editor, I've been doing the best I can w/ editing my stories since I'd rather have no editor than an incompetent one. However, if you wanna take up the job, you're more than welcome.
About the description, I've seen a lot of stories that give parts of the plot way into the story in their back-cover summaries, so I'm not sure if there's much wrong with it, but I'll see if I can change the description around a little bit. Or I may just make the first chapter a prologue.
I agree, my writing style is a little like an encyclopedia and I'm glad you pointed it out; you're not a douche for it. No doubt characterization is a big problem of mine that I've been trying to fix. Personally I prefer shorter chapters, and that reflects obviously; still to each his own.
Again, thanks for the feedback and the editing position is open if you wanna take it.
You use semicolons and commas far too much and occasionally incorrectly. If a comma or completely new sentence will work, avoid using semicolons.
A bit heavy on the exposition at the beginning. That can really discourage new readers who may associate info dumps with incredibly long and complicated stories.
One idea per paragraph, by the way.
Wow I'm glad I found this Gem...