Rainbow Dash has finally done it; she has done what no pony ever thought she could: she joined the Wonderbolts. At first it seemed like a dream come true, but something isn't right... Somepony is keeping a close eye on her and she doesn't know why, but now he has come to her with a offering she might not be able to refuse.
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Hmmm this story intrigued me
please go on.
love the first chapter!! it's a good start.
Asking for edits are you? Time to pretend I know what I'm talking about!
[Behind her was a three-way T intersection,...]
-The inclusion of "three-way" in this description is redundant. T's have three ends so it would be assumed that it is a three way.
[“Hmm...” Spitfire scratched her head. “Wait here.”
Spitfire flew off to Soarin.]
-It seems to me that the indents on the paragraphs around this point are missing.
[First, I shall go over the basic rules of practice.]
-This line sounded a bit out of character for Spitfire, focusing on the word "shall". I just can't hear her say that. "I'll"
seems more appropriate in my opinion instead of "I shall".
[“Yes Maam!” ]
-"Yes Ma'am!"
[or would she come off to the other ponies as cocky?]
-Either the "or" needs to be capitalized or the sentence needs to be combined with the one preceding it. They are both questions directed at Rainbow Dash by herself so they would fit together by replacing the "?" in the first sentence with a comma. If you were trying to put more emphasis on the second question by separating them, then the "or" should definitely be capitalized.
[“Pervert,” she muttered]
-I don't know where you're going with this. I saw nothing to indicate that she would think that.
This is all I found. And that's good because, by volume, that puts it on par with some of the better stuff on this site. Some of this is nitpicking and some of it is opinion and personal preference. If you did any of this on purpose, pay no mind to me. I'm no professional anyway.
Final opinion: It's short. I like stories starting out with short chapters. It gives you a sampling of what is to come without requiring a huge investment of time to figure out if you'll care to continue or not. On the whole, this is a good start to a story. I'll be pushing ahead into the rest post haste.
Round Two:
[I mean, sure it was only her third day of practice,]
-"I mean" is more of a first person perspective phrase while this is a third person-limited narrative. The sentence works fine if you just cut that part out.
[Now, I know what you’re thinking.]
-Second verse same as the first. Also, at this point, "like most ponies you would assume", I would replace the part referring to the reader with a more general term so that it reads "one would assume". Speaking directly to the reader kills the immersion.
[or “Fixer” as he liked to by.]
-I believe "by" should change to "be" or even "be called"
I didn't see anything else in this one. Nicely done. The backstories are coming to light and we're moving closer to the ever-ominous "First Show". Onward, to Ch. #3!
Round Three:
[stepped into 5 hall.]
-I think you accidentally a word there.
[have a few drinks and and sweets with Pinkie,]
-And an extra "and".
[She sniffed her armpit.]
-Arms? 'nuff said.
[it bubbled when it ran under the faucet the pop.]
-"the pop" seems out of place.
[I’m obese old mare compare those ponies!]
-I believe "an" should come between "I'm" and "obese".
[The first of houses and shops breezed past her ]
-Did you mean "The first of the houses"?
[felt for any pain, and yep.]
-"yep" is just left hanging. You might consider extending that part a bit. Something like this: ", and yep, there it was."
[and Sweetie Belle forget you/”]
-Looks like you missed the right key by a hair.
[winced a pain in her hoof.]
-Did you mean "at the pain"?
I know what it's like to be a sprinter trying to compare to cross-country runners. I've got speed but my endurance sucks. Over all, I'm interested. Not enough is done yet for me to vote so I'll leave that for later. For now, keep it up and good luck. Also, if you want me to stop leaving edits like this, just say so.
3558294
Thanks, but I was kinda hoping for advice rather than editing... Thanks anyways! I always knew that my grammar was bad but I didn't know it was THAT bad. I'll change those and triple check next time.
Oh, and whatever you feel like doing is completely up to you. You don't have to edit if you don't want to but I really appreciate it. Also, thanks for the feedback. I always enjoy hearing what people like and dislike about my work so I can improve, so the feedback is really appreciated.
3561142
If I were going to give this a review, I'd start with the way Rainbow's thoughts are presented. They are presented as a conversation between herself and herself and the two versions are in conflict. While this is interesting and I can completely understand it, it was slightly distracting to have to piece together which side of the exchange was which. The problem arises from not having any distinction between the first one talking and the other that responds. One way to avoid this small problem would be to add a description that showed how her thoughts reacted. As an example:
"You wanna tell me that again?" her body seemed to reply.
This is in no way needed to make it work as an element of the storytelling and if you find that it loses the intended result, disregard it.
Moving on to the content itself. I noticed a lot of description in Chapter 2 about the physical weariness Rainbow was dealing with but almost no actual scenes with the exercises causing them. It feels like a portion of the story is missing when she wakes up suddenly overwhelmed by all the work she's been doing to prepare for the upcoming performance. Again, it isn't necessary because you did a good job of filling that in with Rainbow thinking back on the training. It just jumped ahead in the timeline so far that it seemed to skip a beat.
The descriptions themselves are very well done and give valuable insights into Rainbow's thoughts on the world around her. Good description, in my opinion, is what makes a good story good. The sinister nature of the tags and the intro would normally turn me away but I've stuck around because you are telling the story well. I reserve final judgment until I've seen more.
I hope this is more what you were looking for. I am a bit of a fanatic about making suggestions and corrections so, sorry about that.
This fic isn't top of the line but it beats the crowd by a mile. Keep it up and I look forward to seeing more.
3561233 You should continue! The story is amazing so far! I favorited it and I'm just waiting for more updates!
4302670 I don't know... This story borderlines being really good and silly and ridiculous, and I'm afraid If I don't approach this veeeery carefully it will turn out stupid and i'll look like an idiot. I appreciate the comment, and ill think it over.
4310581 Bro. Not everyone is perfect. If it turns out silly, then at least we can have a laugh. If it turns out good, then it's still a great story. You won't please everyone. Just go with it!