- Member Since 22nd Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Apr 29th, 2022
Your Friendly Neighbor
I no longer write with any seriousness. Readers beware.
Your Friendly Neighbor
Joined 22nd Jan, 2012 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I gotta say....the beginning of this story was amazing! but after the hug (which I D'awww'd at)....It just went all to fast.
My only suggestion is to slow it down...I mean you don't kiss somepony then suddenly have sex with them 2 seconds later! I mean, they didn't even meet before the spell competition. Add some story into it and This story could get a bit more popular
Dont worry though, you only get better!
Definitely slow it down a little, but really awesome work especially with the second person perspective, I hope to see more from you.
Wants to write a real story?
Write a Clop fiction.
encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQxF-8a7Xu9nZpzHi1U7cjM0JGG8787AA9UpzbjqfzGLWNz6-n5
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
I might plan on rewriting the entire thing or a section of it with a deeper story and what not. Thanks for your comments guys.
All things considered this was almost perfect.
The bad:
_It felt a little rushed. It could have used another chapter or two of build up and character interaction.
The Good:
_The syntax and format is well done with little to no spelling or grammar errors.
_It was hetero Trixie shipping, so you get a ton of points for originality.
_You actually named the second person character.
_Even though it was very brief you did attempt to add character development
If I could still give it a star rating I'd give it a 4 or 4 1/2 out of 5. It has a lot of things going for it and only one flaw is all that I see.
Peace Out.
Do not rewrite it!!! It was beutiful!!
A few small grammar mistakes, so if you retouch this, watch for those ('your' vs 'you're' primarily). For the most part though, well-written.
The pacing was a little rushed, but that's common enough to almost be expected from clopfics. If you really want this to stand out, then the intro should be much longer showing emotional development between the two. Have them spend more than a single evening together. Drag it out, and show the two growing and changing.
Or, if you prefer, keep it to a short-and-simple clopfic. There's certainly no harm in that, and this was very nice as a simple clopfic.
Hot damn
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH
All this attention over a night of extreme boredom.
how sweet. sex and love alwas a good thing
490566 happens sometimes.
426416 my thoughts exactly
342919
313991 my thoughts exactly.