The Off-Duty Bar and Grill

by mber7560

Two Moons

The Off-Duty Bar and Grill

This was going to be such a normal night…

“Hey! Welcome ta Off-Duty. What can I get ya?” Always let the customer know that he’s welcome; the reason he’s drinking here is because he’s got problems to drown. Or she; civil war has a way of affecting everyone. Hell, even Princess Celestia was losing a few marbles.

This one’s different, though. She doesn’t have the eyes of the usual customer. She’s not some new recruit, over-excited because it’s her first time here. And she’s definitely not a veteran; she doesn’t seem to have any problems to solve. Her stance is very professional. Probably has some sort of business here. Meeting someone, maybe?

Oh great, now she’s looking at me with that “I’m going to pick your brains with a rusty spoon” look. Soldiers may be depressing, but at least they don’t probe. Wonder what she’s gonna hit me with today…

“I will have a Virgin Tropical Island Smoothie.” To-the-point, of course. “…And a few minutes of your time.” Yep, told ya she was gonna interrogate me. Let’s see if I can lighten her up a bit, make this process a bit less excruciating…

“I don’t know the ‘Few Minutes of Your Time.’ Does that have vodka in it?”

Dead-eyed stare. She is not amused.

“Virgin Tropical Island Smoothie it is, then.” Little bit fruity, kind of a party drink. Popular on cruises. Rich people, whether they’re minotaurs, griffons, dragons, buffalo, or ponies, go on cruises and drink fruity alcoholic smoothies. Just who is this mare? “Mind if I ask your name?”

“Selena. What is your name?”

“Browning Vineyard, but call me Vinnie. Everyone else does.” “What-is” my name? “I-will-have” a Tropical Island Smoothie? Her language is too precise to be normal. And what’s with the fancy dress out here in the desert? Blue unicorn named after an ancient Human moon goddess... She’s probably got ties to Princess Luna, or SOMEONE in the Canterlot Nobility.

It’s gonna be a looooooooong night…

“There’s your Smoothie for ya, Selena. Anything else?” Duh, of course she has something else for me. She flat-out TOLD me she wanted “a few minutes” of my time.

“Yes; I have a question for you.”

Is this one loaded? “Sure, ask away.” Please don’t. Please just take your drink and leave me alone. I can pretend to polish an already-clean glass; it’s what all bartenders do!

“My question is: What is it like to run a bar this close to a military base? Especially with the front lines just a few klicks east of us?”

Klicks. Military term for “kilometers.” She’s military. Tie her to Princess Luna and the nobility, and she could be someone in the top brass!

Sweet Celestia, I’m gonna be here until morning!

“Eh, I don’t really know. I run a bar that just so happened to be next to a military base. What’s the difference to any other bar in the Equestrian Badlands?”

“Well, ‘Vinnie,’ shall we start with the fact that the majority of your customers are soldiers? Particularly the ones that have sorrows to drown?”

She’s got me. She already knows that little not-secret. She just wants details. But since when does the brass care about the soldiers? Nobles just sit behind their desks and push pawns on a checkerboard, they don’t care!

There’s either something seriously wrong or seriously right with this mare.

“…Well, I try not to pry. I’m not gonna poke and prod at something somepony don’t wanna talk to me about. Make the situation worse, ya know?” Maybe if I scrub this glass she’ll get the hint and go away…

“Surely you must notice something? The conversations they have, the drinks they order, the look in their eyes? Something that sets the soldiers apart from the rest?

She’s absolutely right! I judged her when she walked in here and specifically noted that she didn’t look like a soldier because she didn’t have those quirks! Okay, Vinnie, calm down. She just wants to know what those quirks are. She’s got all the cards, but you’ve still got a poker face. Give her just enough detail to satisfy her without alienating eighty-five percent of your clients.

“They carry themselves differently. They walk a little bit different, they stay with the same groups, they talk about the same stories. I only get bits and pieces.”

“I would like to know what these ‘bits and pieces’ are.”

Careful, Vinnie… “They stand a bit straighter. Keep their eyes focused on their objective. They’re soldiers; they’re trained to do it. They tend to stick with what I assume are their squad-mates; closest thing to a friend they have out here…” Dammit Vinnie, I said CAREFUL!

“Do they seem lonely?”

Wait, what?

“I said, do the soldiers seem lonely?”

“…What exactly are you asking?” Note to self: quit accidentally saying things out loud.

“It seems to be a simple question.”

Not really! “This seems like a lead-in question. What are you getting at? What’s really on your mind, lady?”

“Selena. And ‘what’s really on my mind’ is the mental and emotional state of these soldiers.”

NO! ABSOLUTELY NO! That is a question that I can NOT answer!

She’s getting into really dangerous territory here; I can’t let her dominate the conversation anymore. Time to be a dick about it…

“Look, ‘Selena,’ I’m going to give you the best that you can ask of me, and then I’m gonna have to ask you to leave, alright? Now lissen up and lissen good.” Clink. I’ll put that over-shined glass away later. “These soldiers have the absolute worst job on the planet. They go out there and they kill people. When they’re not killing people, they’re training on how to kill people. When they’re not training on how to kill people, they’re getting haunted by the people they’ve killed and the people who have been killed next to them. When they get home, they’re getting shat on by the friends they used to have because they’ve gone out into the world and killed people. Their entire world is defined by how many people they’ve killed. It’s on their tattoos. It’s on the notches in their spears. It’s on their scars. It’s in their faces. It’s on the list of reasons they feel like they shouldn’t be alive. And they come here and drink, because despite all the people they’ve killed, they don’t quite feel like killing themselves yet.

“I serve those soldiers because damn it all, I respect them! They volunteered for the worst job on the planet, and not a single one of them is right in the head because of it. If they’re not a shell of who they used to be it’s because they’re psychopaths, and trust me, I’ve seen my fair share of them too. They chose to torture themselves like this, and for what?! So that guys like me – guys they don’t even know! – can have a better life than they do. I owe them everything they ask of me. The alcohol isn’t nearly enough for me to give, but it’s all they ask.”

Deep breath, Vinnie. Ya got a bit intense there, leaning over the counter and getting in her face like that.

“Does that answer your questions, Selena?” Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes…

“Yes. Yes it does.” Thank you so much! “I suppose I’ll be on my way then.” Thanks AGAIN! “Thank you for obliging me this evening; I hope this covers services tendered.” A hundred bit coin? For a smoothie and a bitching out? And where did she even pull this out of? “Have a good night, Mr. Vineyard.” Aaaaaaaand she’s gone! Wow! I should be a dick about it more often! Guess I’d better put that glass away and tidy up before anyone else-

“Hey, Vinnie!”

MOTHER F-! “Hey, Boom! What’s happening?” Always let the customer know he’s welcome.

“Well, I hope you’ve got a clear schedule for tonight; you’re gonna be busy.”

“How so?” Please don’t tell me you’re trying to impress that Selena girl with your oh-so-manly charms.

“Silver’s getting a ‘Glad You’re Alive Party’ in two hours.”

“Shit, I’ll start the grill!” “Glad You’re Alive Parties” usually translated to “you almost died today, let’s pump you full of alcohol and greasy food so that you don’t get a psychological disorder."

…Huh. That hundred bit coin was a misprint. Double-sided.

Two moons…

***

Confident that she was alone, Luna shook off her “Selena” facade. Having her wings back was comforting to say the least. They were still in no working order after the morning’s “events,” but at least they were still attached. She shook a bit in the coming desert night; it was chilling to think exactly how close she had come to permanent damage. But as it was, Sergeant Silver Tongue performed his duties admirably, and her deep pool of magic would naturally heal her wounds as she slept.

Her mind, desperate for activity, had started to replay the events of the past few days. Politics had always been the most taxing part of royal life, but organizing a royal escort to a military base during a civil war definitely “took the cake,” as it were. She never thought that convincing her elder sister to allow her into an active war zone would be the easy part of a process. Especially a war zone where there were so few ponies that terms like “everypony” were too exclusive to use in conversation, and had to be replaced with “people” so that you couldn’t be accused of racism. Having enough internationals in one place to cause a linguistic change wasn’t helpful when national loyalty was in question.

Celestia was right, this was a bad idea, but so many details had been glossed over by the Chiefs that she saw no other option but to see her military herself. She had to see the bases and the drills and the armories and a few operations herself, or the Chiefs would just gloss over it and assure her that “it wasn’t her concern.” She was a Princess of Equestria; EVERYTHING was her concern! ESPECIALLY a civil war!

Last week in particular had made things clear to her. The War Chiefs were definitely politicians; who else could dodge questions and hide answers behind such advanced but meaningless language? The way that they had attempted to undermine her authority – no, hers AND her sister’s – set her blood to boiling. If the “Queen Bitch of Everything” (as Sergeant Fletcher had put it) has asked you a direct question, were you not obligated to give a direct answer?! The temerity! The foolhardy, reckless courage! The NERVE! Astounding!

At least not everypony in the military was as pompous as the Chiefs; Silver had almost seemed jovial before… well, before everything else happened. And if Luna’s conversation with “Vinnie” was to be believed, the rest of the soldiers were… normal? Was that the proper adjective? Regardless, she decided that she would much rather deal with the lower ranks than the Chiefs.

Hm. Perhaps that can be arranged…

Comments

[kalash93]

The story's better than I expected, and I support your continued writings. Just a couple things, though, about writing in the RATG verse. #1: The setting explicitly uses real world modern warfare -- weapons, equipment, and tactics. #2: Equestria itself is never the frontline, with the fighting occurring in other lands. Apart from that, keep going.

You've picked a cocktail of tags which aren't too popular in combination. I'll see what I can do to get you more attention.

[kalash93]

Okay, here's some more feedback following a second reading.

In my opinion, placing the fight in Equestria defeats the purpose of the RATG verse. It depends on Equestria remaining peaceful and relatable for the reader so that the contrast between warriors and what war has done to them is made apparent by how it clashes with the domestic setting of Equestria. The result is that there are characters roaming around, whom society has no idea how to handle. When the conflict permeates the setting, the audience gains a degree of callousness. The benchmark for normal becomes whatever is the par for the setting the audience sees. There is a reason why so many war films begin with raw civvy recruits before going into the war following a long buildup process. Without the slow stages, without the links to normalcy, the heights of savagery have no meaning.

I like that you picked a non-combatant, a bartender, as your protagonist. It is absolutely essential how you also made him remember how things used to be before things got messed up. His personality is vibrant and gruff, but there is a genuine sense of goodness to him. He really cares about the customers he sees, looking past their deeds and affiliations. He is quite paternal.

Your usage of tone and internal monologue is exceptional. It reminds me quite pleasantly of noir. The internal monologue sets a heavy, morose, and slightly tense atmosphere for the whole story which is really quite engaging. The world building and backstory are slipped in quite handily, never jarring the narrative or disrupting the flow.

Tension was good. You built up the suspense through tight dialogue, as well as the subtle things. I was engaged the entire time, simultaneously anticipating and dreading the reveal. Now, the reveal at the end was a misstep. It would have raised more questions, as well as given a hook for the main story to come, if you had kept the true identity and purpose a secret. Also, the character tags spoil the disguise, as does the alias used by the character.

What are you writing about? You use human terms and words, such as "people", but then you talk about there being humans separate from ponies, and then use pony a number of times. Are these ponies, anthros, or humans? Decide, illustrate, and stick with it. If your ponies are humanized, then add the human tag. If they are anthropomorphic, then add the anthro tag. But, please, as it currently stands, your usage of the term "people" is severely confusing in context.

Why did you post a side story before the main story? Just the words, "side-story" automatically cause readers' eyes to glaze over unless those words immediately link it to a story they are interested in. You lost a ton of potential readers by starting out with a gaiden piece for a story that does not yet exist, not even in forum posts. I understand beginning with a oneshot; I write them all the time. You started with a good one, but this piece really cannot stand alone without a wide platform first being built to support it. I began with a oneshot, too, but what I did for that one was make it so that anyone with even a cursory knowledge of the show could jump in and relate. I started out with a bang. You've started out with a yawn. I suggest getting a minimum of 20 followers before embarking on writing a serious OC story, unless it's a clopfic.

I don't understand why you tagged it as a crossover. Unless it's obvious and significant, then don't throw in a tag. That probably threw off a number of readers, too. Take the time to learn the proper application of tags.

Your writing is all competent enough. I'd advise adding space gaps between paragraphs to make it easier on your readers. I really can't give you much more advice than practice, and, most importantly, get your story out there, and keep going. Regularly update with new chapters and stories. If you can put out a quality piece at least once a month, then you will have some degree of visibility within your first six months.

Awaiting your next piece,

Kalash93.

P.S.: It's good manners to reply to feedback comments with at least acknowledgement that you read them.

[mber7560]

Hey, Kalash! Thanks for the detailed review. Here are my responses:

1) I feel like this is a good time to mention that this isn't, necessarily, the RATG universe. It's similar. Borrowed concepts and ideas, maybe even a character here and there. But by no means a carbon-copy; I'm not THAT uncreative...
That said, I'm not losing the message in the delivery. There's just a few things I would like to mention.

2) Not all of the main story will happen in battle, so there will be plenty to contrast the gritty war scenes. I'm taking the path of the movie "Jarhead." Essentially, the movie was more of a battle against the soldiers' boredom rather than their enemies. Vinnie had a whole monologue about what soldiers do when they're not "going out there and killing people." I'm going to expand on that.

3) Vinnie is not going to be the protagonist in the main series. He will be an important side-character (I've spent too long developing him to throw him under a bus!), but the focus will be more on Silver Tongue. But thank you for the positive review of his character.

4) The first-person perspective was a bit of a test for me. In my mind, most of the story will take the style of Luna's section; a third-person omniscient narrator that can access the character's thoughts as they wish. I also learned that the expository info dump is a bad thing (shout out to TvTropes!), so thanks for picking up on the subtleties of the backstory.

5) In response to Luna's reveal, I originally was going to have her revealed in the more expansive project that this is a beta for. Ideally, she would have walked back to her quarters at Fort Jack and found a fretting Celestia wondering what the hell her injured sister was doing walking off base without a guard. As it was, I had to add it into this story because the original draft didn't make the cut. It wasn't related to the Equestria universe at the time. By making Luna's involvement more direct, it very clearly said "this is happening in Equestria."

6) I use the term "people" as a species-neutral term for all of the sentient species in the world. Dragons, Griffons, Minotaurs, and Humans are all going to be part of this universe I'm developing. However, I will be sure to add an anecdote about the term to clear up confusion in the future. Thanks for drawing attention to it.

7) I posted a side-story to see whether or not I could write AT ALL before sinking countless hours into a world that was doomed from the get-go. But I will take your advice to heart. Ideas are in the mix for a story of where Twilight was when the war started. I'll probably take another few days of development and go on a writing binge over the weekend. I understand that this still doesn't resolve the issue of having side-stories to a bigger story that doesn't exist yet, but I'm working on it!

8) I'll take off the crossover tag. The bigger story will have references to Skyrim, The Darkness (video game/comic), borrowed concepts from Mass Effect, and whatever else strikes my fancy as I write. I figured that this side-story should have the same tags, since it's from the same universe, but I think you're right, and I'll remove the crossover tag.

9) Note to self: double space paragraphs and leave an extra space between paragraphs.

All in all, thanks for the full and detailed review! I've learned a lot more than I expected to, and I'm excited! Also, thanks for the shout-out in your most recent blog post, and I here's to 200 more! *Raises Tropical Island Smoothie in Kalash's honor*

EDIT:
I also apologize for my avatar pic. I hope you don't read this in Twilight's voice like she's copping an attitude with you. I'll try to find a suitable replacement.

EDIT:
Avatar pic replaced. Probably temporary, as I don't quite experience the same glee as I did with "Listen, Dipshit."

[Vermilion and Sage]

Well, this was fascinating, and if more than anything else, a fun read. I don't know if you're a bartender, but I have just a wee bit of experience in that, and I'd say you nailed it. I don't know if you're a soldier either, but I have some experience with that too, and I really liked what I saw. As for your point number 7, why not? Write the story for it's own sake, and if nothing else, you'll learn to be a better writer in the process. I'll be keeping an eye on you. Keep chugging along, and good luck.

[mber7560]

3389846
Thanks for the positive review! To answer your questions, I have absolutely zero experience in bartending (I'm not even of legal age to enter a bar), and all of my military experience comes from video games. That said, I'm glad I managed to guess correctly! I just wondered what would be a logical response to these circumstances and wrote it.
Here's hoping a good luck wish is enough...!