Just Like Me

by Mercury Zero

Just Like Me

That little purple bean had become my best friend. I was looking at it just before dawn on the morning of the day I met you.

It was quiet. In the barracks, we all knew that if there was any indication that we were awake, then our commanding officer would lay into us especially on the morning of a battle. Naturally that meant it was going to be quite, but, if anything the sheer silence was an indication that most of us weren't asleep at all.

There were a lot of things going through my mind. Most of it was just random stuff that I was trying to bring up just to avoid having to think about what was going to happen that day. I thought about how cramped my bunk was. I thought about how there wasn't a lick of privacy in the whole damn barracks, and how it always seemed to smell like old socks in there.

I thought about how we would all tease my friend, Pepper, that the stink in here was coming from him. We'd all have a good laugh, and he knew we weren't serious. He was a good sport.

I smiled and watched my bean as I rolled it around on the flat of my hoof. I was thinking about the time Pepper got his revenge by cutting a hole in my mattress, hiding a rotten egg inside, and sealing up the hole with twine.

I sure had a lot of fun with these guys.

I didn't want to, but I thought about the war. The Crystal Empire had been at war with Equestria for years. It started with some minor skirmish whose name most ponies don't even remember, and each side blamed the other for initiating it. The rulers of Equestria used the event as a rallying call to decry the evils of slavery, and pledge to free The Crystal Empire's entire slave population. King Sombra used it as a rallying call to accuse Equestria of duplicity, dishonor, aggression, and being a threat to its people's entire economy, its very way of life.

You know all of that already, though.

I used to think a lot about whether the war was right or wrong, before I lost my wife. The enemy claimed it was an accident; that they didn't mean to start the fire that cut through my town. It was a damned convenient 'accident', then. It put an early end to the siege, and gave them an advantage that they've been pressing for the last two years. I learned not to trust anything that comes out of the enemy's mouth.

I might have enlisted right then and there, if I didn't have my daughter to think about.

My daughter looks a lot like you. I don't know you very well, but I think she acts a lot like you too. She's a very strong willed filly. It can be tough for a single father earth pony to raise a unicorn daughter. Let me tell you, if she wanted to, she could get into some real mischief and there wouldn't be much I could do about it. Although, I guess it's the same way for all parents. We never really have any control over them. We just have to teach them what's right and hope for the best.

I thought back to the day I left her. She was excited to show me some new spell, and she didn't realize it yet, but it's rude to try to get daddy's attention when he's talking to guests.

The look in her face was filled with so much delight thanks to her simple color changing bean spell. It's amazing to see that much happiness in the eyes of a child. When you get older, the world seems so complex and miserable, but for her, that bean was joy, pure and simple. I wished at that moment that I could experience that joy, too. I wanted my foalhood back. I wanted to be back when things weren't like this.

She didn't know why I was afraid, but she could tell pretty quickly. "Daddy, why are you crying?" she asked me.

"It's okay, sweetie," I told her as I laid down to eye level. "Your bean is really amazing."

I forced a smile with all my strength. I don't know if she ever saw me cry before that day, at least, not when she was old enough to remember. I didn't want it to be the last thing she remembered about me. I didn't want it to be the last thing I remembered about her, either. I didn't want to see that confusion and fear in her eyes as she was trying to come to terms with what she thought was impossible. What force of nature could be so great and terrible that it would reduce her father to tears? Her father, who's always so strong, and always there to save her.

She looked up at me with a worried grimace. "Daddy?" she asked.

I drew in a tremulous breath, and released it quickly, trying my best to play it off with a smile and a laugh. "It's okay, Moonbeam. Go upstairs, honey. Daddy will talk to you soon."

The conscription officers weren't paying any attention. They just attended to their paperwork. Their quills scratched softly as they filled out various pieces of government record keeping. It sounds silly, but one of the things that hit me the very hardest was that my kitchen table was being used as their desk. I didn't want them in my house. If I had the power, I would throw them out. I hated them, but here they were, using my furniture like they owned it. It was like that kitchen table was a symbol of the personal violation they were committing on my life. I wanted to push them off my kitchen chairs, and scream at them to never touch my things; never touch my things, and get the fuck out of my house.

That's not how things go. I imagine you, of all ponies, would know that sometimes life just doesn't turn out the way you want. Sometimes somepony crushes your life underhoof like you aren't even there, while they stroll off toward some destination you don't understand or care about.

I was very careful to be deferential when I protested. I didn't want to be thrown into the stocks, but I had to ask. I asked them how they could take me away from my daughter. I was all she had.

To the conscription officers, what they were doing to me was very clinical and mundane. They didn't answer me directly. They just explained the various legal options I had when choosing where my daughter was going to live. They were some combination of bored and angry. 'Contemptuous' or 'arrogant' might have been a good way to describe it, if it wasn't clear just how little they cared.

They had obviously presided over this kind of heartbreak hundreds of times. They even had the names of the forms I needed to fill out all committed to memory. It must have just been noise to them, by that point, or perhaps they never had a heart to begin with. At the time, I preferred to think the latter.

Moonbeam didn't understand. She didn't know why this had to happen to her. All she wanted was for us to stay together forever, and live peacefully as a family.

Just like me.

I was looking at her color changing bean just before dawn on the morning of the day I met you.

The first beat of the war drum hit my chest with a pang of fear. For every beat of that damned drum, my heart would hammer me with a half dozen more. I scrambled from my bunk and stood at attention just in time before the sergeant smashed open the barracks doors.

He walked down the corridor between the rows upon rows of bunk beds, eyed every one of us sternly, and gave us a rousing speech about how the enemy is evil; how the enemy wouldn't hesitate to kill any one of us; how the enemy wants to invade my home, and tell my people how they can and can't live their lives. He told us that they have no honor; that they are cowards who would stab us in the back if we showed them a moment's mercy; that they are the face of an invading evil and each and every one of us is a hero for standing up to these tyrants.

At least, that's what I think he said. It was hard to hear him over the sound of my own heart, and I already knew all those things.

On the entire trip to the battlefield, I was thinking about being a hero. I was relishing the opportunity to kill somepony. I wanted the enemy to die for what they did to me. They murdered my wife, and they separated me from my child, and now they want to kill me and my friends too.

I tried not to tremble. I didn't want to look weak in front of my friends. I didn't want to look weak in front of my commander, especially, but damn it I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry out my rage and my fear. I wanted to scream in the faces of my enemies for all the pain this war had wrought. I would have my chance soon enough.

Pepper put his forehoof on my scruff. "Just like they told us. The front lines will protect us with a shield wall, and we take up the rear with our spears. It's just like training."

I nodded fitfully and tried drawing a breath to calm myself.

Pepper smiled at me and said, "And if you get into trouble, always keep your tail facing toward me. I'll watch your flank and you watch mine. I'll be just like the time we got into--"

Pepper's neck craned back limply at the force of the arrow strike that pierced his head. His legs buckled like they were the helpless limbs of a marionette and he crashed to the earth limply. The momentum of his slow march moments earlier carried with him, and it twisted his body sideways as he slumped onto his flank and shoulder.

I gasped with shock, but I couldn't hear my own breath. The army around me broke into a roar of war cries, hoof stomps, and the screams of pain, fear, and panic.

I tried to stay with my friend. I dove onto his body and lifted his limp head with shaking hooves. I had to stay with him until the medics arrived. I had to take him and run. All around me, ponies hunkered low, and raised their shields to the sky, blocking out the orange twilight above.

My muzzle curled with grief, and I wrenched on pepper's barrel. "Pepper!" I screamed with horrified incomprehension. "Pepper you're hurt!"

There was a chorus of whizzing thumps as arrows struck the canopy of shields above my head.

The stone that had been weighing on my gut since this morning was turning cartwheels now. "Pepper!" I coughed my words, and I felt tears streaking my muzzle. "Pepper, you dopey bastard!" I screamed. "Don't be dead!"

I felt a cruel shove from one of the other soldiers. "Raise your damn shield you moron!"

Choking down tears, I stumbled to my hooves. I grabbed my shield out of the mud and it slipped in my grip. I fumbled to get it in place in formation, but I was shoved from behind.

They say that these are battles of numbers, and that there's no chance a ragtag group of conscripts straight off the training grounds could possibly face off against Celestia's army on equal terms, with equal numbers. We outnumbered their forces three to one, but the commanders weren't stupid. They knew that no number of soldiers will achieve anything if we all panic and run. Forming a circle around the rear flank of the army, the commanders created a shield wall, and forced the soldiers forward.

The wave of flesh surged from behind. It pressed me away from Pepper's body, and I lost my shield under the force of it all.

As the commanders pushed forward, the army around me bellowed out cries of bloodlust, and charged toward the enemy. The stampede shot up divots of earth around me in a roar of thumping hooves. Forsaking my shield, and my friend's body, I turned to charge with the group, rather than be trampled. I pulled my spear from my back and bore it in my teeth, with its tip held high toward the enemy, just as I was trained.

In training, however, they didn't teach me what to do if I got caught next to a surging fireball. Beams of piercing white were shooting down from just above the enemy encampment, and an explosion tore at the earth to my side. My ears rang sharply, and I suppose it was a small mercy that I didn't have to hear the screams. I stared, horrified, at the ponies who were unfortunate enough to have been caught in the blast. They writhed next to me and clutched their wounds. They arched with pain from the searing heat, and twitched as strikes of falling stone and earth peppered their bodies.

One of our knight commanders ran past me, contemptuously body checking me as he made his way. He slid in front of me, turned back to his troops with a snarl, and roared out his orders. He pointed above the enemy encampment. "Archers! Target the sun princess! Third and fifth, with me!"

I wheezed, and leaned down to bite my spear out of the dirt. My entire body ached from the blast, and I could still barely hear, but I understood enough to know that the commander wanted me to charge. My mud caked spear tasted foul and gritty, but I bit it tightly, and charged toward the enemy line. There was a thunderous crash, and a song of clashing steel as our warriors were joined.

The arrow barely missed my muzzle. I felt a pound in my jaw that resonated with a painful tingle down my neck. The arrow embedded itself into my spear, and sent it was hurling away from me and back down into the dirt just as an Equestrian knight was descending upon me.

I ran. Everything was going to Tartarus around me. I couldn't fight without my spear, my friends were dead or dying, and I was scared. I was so scared I barely even realized I was running until I was galloping into the Equestrian camp. I dodged enemy and friendly arrows alike as I slipped through a gap in the lines. I'd had enough of this battle. I was intent on running into the forest on the far side of the camp and not looking back.

I don't know how long I ran. I was dodging tents and small stands set up to provide weapons, armor, and provisions to the Equestrian soldiers stationed in the camp. I could see groups of royal guards while they were scrambling from position to position as war raged at their doorstep.

By the time I was half way through, The Equestrian lines were splitting, and The Crystal Empire was surging in to take the camp. I weaved between the tents, dodging close encounters with royal guards. I needed to move fast. I knew I'd be labeled a deserter for leaving the line. Everypony was my enemy now. I needed to get to that forest.

I don't know how I managed to survive without being discovered by the royal guard. It was simply bad luck, I suppose, that I survived long enough to meet you. I think you were just as surprised as I was when I slammed into you. When we collapsed over that balcksmith's station, I thought that was it. I thought I was dead. I thought I had finally been caught by soldiers from one side or the other, and it was over. I was scared, but you were just as scared as I was.

I don't know what miscalculation caused you to be so close to the lines, but I could see it in your eyes. You had never been face to face with the enemy before, and it terrified you.

They say things happen slowly in situations like this. That's not how it works. It goes by in the blink of an eye. It just seems like it was slow afterwards, like it couldn't have possibly gone by that fast. Something just doesn't seem right about something that significant going by so fast.

You barely had the time to choke out a tearful plea for me to stop before I grabbed a nearby sword from the blacksmith's rack. You skittered back in the dirt and stared with transfixed horror at my blade as I charged toward you.

I suppose, if things actually were moving more slowly, I might have thought about why I was doing this. Thoughts of being a hero had been pounding in my head all day. It seemed like, although I ran with disgrace, fate decided to give me one last chance to redeem myself, and become a true hero after all.

I was about to kill the princess of the night, and, by my own hoof, strike a decisive blow for the Crystal Empire. More than that, though, I was about to finally get my revenge. I was going to take the sweetest prize I could have imagined. I was going to drive that sword so deep into your breast, they'd have to bury you with it.

You barked out an anguished sob as I lunged forward. The blue flash was almost blinding. I didn't know what happened at first. I just knew that I felt too weak to strike. "No!" you cried out after the flash, lifting your hooves to your mouth and widening your eyes as I stumbled to a stop.

The tip of my sword fell away, then another slice, then another. It crumbled into shards in my mouth.

I coughed sharply as I felt the taste of blood surge into my muzzle. You were hysterical now. You were screaming and sobbing. I couldn't believe my eyes. One of the rulers of Equestria was crying for me, and I wasn't even dead yet.

You lunged toward me. There wasn't much I could do to dodge. I was already falling over into a heap. My skin was warm and sticky with the feeling of blood soaking into my fur. I slumped across your fore legs and coughed.

"I'm sorry!" you shrieked as you stared down at me above my muzzle and wept.

You really do remind me of my daughter. That's what I was thinking, when I died. You have the same eyes and fur, and you both curl your nose just like that when you cry.

I lifted my hoof to touch your cheek for as long as I could. The sky above was filled with flickering orange as the flames of war licked the heavens, and the piercing rays of the early sunrise shot golden beams across the clouds.

I hate you for everything you've done. I hate you for what you've done to me, and my wife, and my daughter, but in my final moments, as I watched your eyes, I could see that you never wanted to be here. You never really wanted to do any of this. You just wanted to go home, and live peacefully with your family.

Just like me.

Author's Note:

This story was originally going to be a dream sequence in Sleep Walking, but I thought it deserved its own story. I intend to reference it in upcoming chapters of Sleep Walking.

Comments

[CanterlotGuardian]

I... Wow. I really don't know what to say. That was... Moving? Intense? All of the above? Yeah, let's go with that one. You've got my approval on this. Very well done.

[N00813]

Loved it. Could use a quick spell-check, but otherwise brilliant.

In the description:
"...between The Crystal Empire, and Eqestria"

In the text:
"...grimice"

[Mercury Zero]

3179818

Thanks! I've been using spellcheck all along, though. Aside from words like 'Equestria' and 'foalhood', it isn't catching anything. Can you PM me the specific errors you found and I'll touch them up?

[N00813]

3179822

Edited my post below for the ones I could catch.

[Mercury Zero]

3179825

Fixed. Thanks.

[Mercury Zero]

3179725

I... Wow. I really don't know what to say. That was... Moving? Intense? All of the above? Yeah, let's go with that one. You've got my approval on this. Very well done.

I'm really glad you liked it. Also, your avatar is awesome. I'll take six.

[Belial]

I was writing up a large review of this thing, but my computer crashed.

*sigh*

Anyway, I liek the story. It has a good setup, good timing, good grammar, and good layout.

But, I feel the use of 'You' for Luna could have been avoided. I, personally, think that 'she' and 'her' would have suited the story better.

Another thing is that Pepper's death scene should have been...Longer? more intense? Both of these things, i guess. The death of a friend(especially right next to you) is a very big thing, and could have been taken with a little more emotion. Could have gotten a bit more down-and-dirty with the details.

But, all in all, I liked it.

&& Thanks for the review on Whiskey Lullaby.

[Mercury Zero]

3182528

[Spoilers]

So the personal touch about this entire story being directed at Luna specifically didn't do anything for you? Like how the unnamed protagonist compares Luna to Sombra (back before it's revealed who Luna is), and says 'My daughter looks like you'?

Also it was the key mystery that I put into the plot.. I wanted the reader to wonder who the unnamed protagonist is talking to this entire time, and why. Could it have been some soldier? Some bystander? His mom? Who knows :p Sucks that it wasn't compelling :( I hope to get more feedback on that.

I imagine just saying 'my daughter looks like Luna' wouldn't have done what I wanted at all, in addition to revealing early that Luna is involved.

I think perhaps the thing I should have done was have the unnamed protagonist address 'you' much more often, to constantly remind the reader that he's directing this entire story at someone.

You know, it's interesting about Pepper.. I had many feelings about him. My original intention was to have lots of interactions with him, like a lengthy scene where I imply that he's going to become an important part of the plot, but it was for the opposite of what you wanted. I wanted to his quick and pointless death all the more devastating.

The part I was worried about being too short was the battle scene. There could have been a million more examples of horrible events going down on the battlefield that culminated in the unnamed protagonist's eventual decision to flee.

In the case of the last two points, I chose to keep that stuff short. The story was about the moment at the end, and what led up to it. I didn't want to make it too much about Pepper or about gory war stories.

[Belial]

3182620 I didn't mean to say call her Luna - I meant to use nameless gender terms, such as She and Her. You already revealed the characters' gender by saying 'just like my daughter', so I felt that the 'you' was a bit pointless. 'You' is used to speak to the reader, so it just doesn't make any seance to me.

I'm sorry if I come off as rude - I really don't mean to. I do, in fact, quite like the story.

[Mercury Zero]

3182638

Ah, I suppose I could have done that :) Thanks for the feedback.

[Belial]

3182647 And thank you for yours.

[zero588]

Can't wait to see this from Luna's perspective.

[GhostWriter17]

Review by: GhostWriter17

Let's get this started! WARNING. MAJOR SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW. DO NOT READ IF YOU WISH TO NOT BE SPOILED.

Grammar (no score, just thoughts and such):

She's a very strong willed filly.

Forgot the a there! Whoops!

sargent smashed open the barracks' doors.

I don't know, seeing as you used spell check, if wherever you're from/what you use depends on the spelling of "sargent" but where I'm from, we spell it "sergeant".

...and that there's no chance a ragtag group of conscripts strait off the training grounds could possibly...

You should spell it "straight". A strait is a narrow passage of water that leads to larger bodies of water, if I remember correctly.

They know that no number of soldiers will achieve anything if we all panic and run.

"Knew". Past tense.

In training, however, they didn't teach me what to do if a fireball erupts next to you.

"Erupted". Past tense. Also, either change both green letters to "me" or "you".

When we collapsed over that balcksmith's station, I thought that was it.

"Blacksmith".

Common errors, overall. We all make mistakes.

Pros:
-I liked the battle scene and structure of the story. It was all very fast and moved at a blinding speed. I feel like, seeing as [SPOILERS] the main character is now dead and is recalling memories that only truly specific details would come back, and only important information would be retained.

-Also, let's face it, fighting isn't some slow-mo ordeal. It's fast, its rough, and it's merciless. You wrote it all well with enough detail, but didn't add too much.

-The reveal of Luna being the reader at the end.

-Well-written and an interesting concept, to say the very least.

Cons:
-The reveal of Luna being the reader at the end. It totally makes sense plot-wise, and is actually a good twist, but feels a little... I don't know. Odd? Don't get me wrong, it's fine the way it is, but something felt weird about it. Maybe because I couldn't see myself as Luna! Take this one with a grain of salt and sugar.

-There is very little character development. In other reviews for one shots I've done, I've always mentioned this. The short story is naturally faulty, especially when it comes to characters, for it gives no time to develop, and must move the plot along. Example: Pepper.

HOWEVER. Due to the way I feel you wanted, needed, and succeeded in telling your story, it all works. We aren't going through this soldier's whole life, just his memories before he died. It makes sense things are sudden, intense, and sparse, as I said earlier. Pepper's death is emotional for the main character, but just as he has no time to grieve for his friend amidst the chaos, we never got the time to meet Pepper and see him grow. This is also because we, the reader, are Luna! We have no personal attachment to this character or his life. We're simply here to hear his story. I totally get that. These aren't really cons, when I think of them, for, in a way, I feel there really aren't too many to speak of.

A story like this, an excellent little story, must be analyzed as what it is, and why it is. No story is perfect. It is what we do with our stories, our perception of perfection, that shows us the way.

I could go on and on and on, but I'll say this:

I'm really impressed! Be proud of what you've written! It's stylistic, subtle in it's own way, and a great story overall, especially considering its brevity! The ending was rather beautiful, by the way.

So, I'll leave you to bask in your glory, bask in it! And, as always, I leave my signature:

Love always and forever,
-Ghost

[Mercury Zero]

3187293

[Spoilers]

Thanks a lot GhostWriter17! I fixed your grammar/typo suggestions except these:

In training, however, they didn't teach me what to do if a fireball erupts next to you.

This is just another way of writing 'In training, however, the trainers didn't teach me what to do if a fireball were to erupt next to one on the battlefield.'

When we collapsed over that balcksmith's station, I thought that was it.

Here, I'm referring to a person, not a profession. The station of a blacksmith. Your way works too.

You know, I may have been nieve, but I didn't expect people to internalize the role of Luna. I wanted the story to be told to Luna, but I expected the reader to read it the way I wrote it.. as an observer, watching the soldier talk to an unknown person. Oh well, I guess if you go ahead and identify yourself as Luna, that works too. Why not? Luna is the key focal point of the story, to me, and I'm glad it was to you too :)

[Mercury Zero]

3194109

[Spoilers]

So if I understood your first part correctly, you would rather that the story proceeded chronologically, and slowly, giving time to fully explore the characters like the unnamed protagonist's daughter and Pepper and such?

That was my original intent, but I felt it distracted from the importance of the quick and brutal encounter at the end of the story, so I decided to squeeze it into something punchy, and just quickly humanize the main character, tease the main theme and conflict of the story, and go. Perhaps at some point I'll rewrite it.

As for the technical combat stuff, that's all really interesting :) Perhaps if I do rewrite it, I'll send you a PM and consult you heavily.

Here was my creative intent behind the battle:
- The army of Equestria is strong and organized
- The army of The Crystal Empire is a complete disaster, and they basically just throw cannon fodder at the enemy until, by sheer numbers, they're overwhelmed
- Pepper's demise demonstrates how quick and pointless death on the battlefield is.
- The presence of the sun beam explosions turns everything to shit. The battle becomes a clusterfuck, and the Equestrian army uses that advantage to start marching in to slaughter as many soldiers as they can.
- By some sheer luck, the unnamed protagonist gets his chance to flee.

So, that stuff all has to go down, but I don't care, really, the actual ways that those events come to pass. The types of tactics and such being used could have been anything, and I agree, if I knew enough to describe actual, real battlefield tactics then I absolutely would use that.

[Rinnaul]

Came here from our conversation on "Innocent Beginnings" at your suggestion, but this one didn't grab me as much as that one. I suppose I just related more to Twilight than our nameless narrator here. The battle was confusing, which I suppose is thematically appropriate, but it came off as simply hard to follow through the narrative, rather than intentionally frantic. Though I do find the explanation of the poor tactics (that the army is conscripted and barely-trained) reasonable enough.

The part that actually struck me the most is that you can't tell which side the narrator is fighting for until past halfway through the fic. I think that says more than enough about how war impacts the people on the front lines.

[Mercury Zero]

3197359

Sweet someone noticed and appreciated that I didn't make it clear which side he was on until later

Thanks for checking it out!

[ambion]

If you haven't already gotten a WRITE review, well, hear I am
If you have already gotten a WRITE review, well... have another

I have to say that my first thoughts on having read this are by and large positive. I noticied but a single technical error, this being the word "balcksmith's". The grammar and standard of writing are excellent.

The tragedy is a naturally difficult genre to write, because it relies on contrasting two seemingly opposing ideals. On the one side, we must give the characters and plot that thing which all well written ones' need: development. On the other, we do this by stripping away the stability and foundations of each. It is, in a way, the only genre where the characters natural tendency is to actively try and thwart the writer's will (that being what makes it a tragedy)

It's in this dichotomy that I do find something to criticize, particularily Unamed Protagonist's...resignation to his existence (and end thereof) Now, being dead, it's only to be expected that he's not all that excited: the cards have been dealt, all that might have happened has happened already, and he only need recount it. This quality, however, became a kind of monotone narration that dampened and grey-scaled the story for me. This isn't exactly a bad impression (considering 'tragedy') though perhaps not quite the one you were aiming for, considering the more impassioned natures associated with wars and families?

As it is, the temperment of the character reads with constant, unchanging lack of emotion, without particular lows or brief, embittered ironies. Even the one instant of wanting to tell the conscriptors to fuck-off merely feels more like a statement on the original anger...without the anger now, as if such capacity to feel died with U.P.

The bean. Let's look at that.
You felt it was significant enough to be the very beginning of the story, but other than having its prescence vindicated (it being a creation of his daughter) it never really stands out beyond that, becoming something of a squib-macguffin. There was more potential to that bean, it's just the sort of colourful (literally) silly, childish, innocent something to hold onto, one that could have both been the character's anchor to the world he wishes to come back and as a sort of measuring stick to remind him just how far away from that hope his life has truly strayed. Instead, it remains a semi-relevant image, a vague symbol.

The life and death of Pepper wasn't particularily striking, but again this isn't exactly a bad thing. He isn't, after all, the focus of the story. It is by Unamed Protagonist, directed to Luna, alluding to his own daughter. Pepper just didn't have a place in that beyond dying senselessly and quickly enough to hightlight just how senseless and quick death was happening. His role, honestly, was to be a sort of tragedy-index litmus paper, and to read more into it or to presume he needed a bigger, more developed role to do his job mightn't be the case.

U.P.'s being carried along in the Wall did a fine job of culminating his helpessness. It almost felt like that was the climax of the story; He's had his wife taken, his choices taken, his own life taken (away to fight, that is) and his daugther taken. Now his shield's taken, his buddy's taken, even his option to flee is taken from him in the press and swell of bodies. That's some fine tragic character-deconstruction, that is.
...Presumeably he still has his bean? (Though I'm not sure, and the fact that I'm not sure reinforces what I said before, that it could have been used to greater effect than it was.)

His sudden break from the Wall, than, is almost disorientating. He flees (understandably)...directly into the enemy camp? (less understandably). Even his narration seems baffled as he recounts the crazy-good juking as he dodges his way to Luna.

His motivations, after so firmly establishing FEAR as his most prominent emotion, for suddenly effectively attacking Luna become suddenly out of character, to an extent, though it does also reflect the detached monotone, emotionally uninvested attribute that was hanging over the narration somewhat. Luna herself comes in a strange flavour as well, and THIS line sums both up neatly:

I couldn't believe my eyes. One of the rulers of Equestria was crying for me, and I wasn't even dead yet.

The contrast between her overflowing weepy/panicky/apolgizingy emotion and his sorta-kinda-lack was the slightest bit jarring.

...you both curl your nose just like that when you cry.

Just like the bean, this right here could have been plumbed for so much more than we saw applied to the story. U.P.'s dying moments could have had a stronger, more lasting impression by bringing that familiarity, the tragedy of it all to bear. Even Luna's strong reaction (very innocent, childlike even [despite the bit where she kills him]) would have slotted fairly neatly into that approach. The fact that the daughter is named Moonbeam makes it all the more apparant that the juxtaposition was intentional and desired. That it could have been developed more fully saddens me somewhat.

Overall, this story leaves me with a few key points to rehash. The writing holds very good standards concerning technique, grammar and punctuation useage. The pacing is commendable (particularily so for such a short story) for neither rushing headlong into reader-confusion, nor dwelling too stagnatingly on exposition. The singular flashback is timely and appropriate. Where, in my opinion, Just Like Me struggles more is in conveying the full breadth and depth of character prescence in both of these aspects. The full impact of the tragedy is somewhat numbed down by the narrator's own resigned tone from the get-go. The bean as a symbol, Moonbeam, and the revelation of Luna, all things that could have stirred up gripping, tragic feeling and do the necessary trick were not developed enough to do so.

All in all, an excellent little story. If it doesn't quite stab one in the guts and slowly twist the blade therein, it is still a fine example of writing within the tragedy genre, conjuring up an effective (if nameless) OC in a short space and successfully running him through his paces. Well done in writing to this standard. I'm open to any queries you might have about this review, just let me know.

[Mercury Zero]

3205345

That review was awesome.

That's exactly the sort of thing I was looking for. I got those same complaints several times. People seemed to feel like something was absent and they wanted to see more, but you were able to identify which things were absent and why that's important. You were able to point it all out, and I find myself disagreeing with very little of what you said. Mind blown.

Okay, question time though. What could be done about the unnamed protagonist's sense of feeling resigned? Perhaps I should have shown more of how much he hates the enemy? That certainly was the only passion left in him.

The contrast between her overflowing weepy/panicky/apolgizingy emotion and his sorta-kinda-lack was the slightest bit jarring.

If I were to rewrite this, I definitely want to keep that. I wanted Luna to be his first introduction to someone on the battlefield who doesn't hate and want to kill the enemy (not that good intentions ever saved anyone at war). I wanted it to come as a big surprise to him. I also wanted to show how devastated Luna is because it actually ties in to my other story in the same universe. ... so... any thoughts on how to make it less jarring?

Although.. when I think about it, maybe jarring was a bit of what I was going for. I wanted it to seem like what it was. They both knew, or believed, whoever acted first would survive. But.. yeah I turned away from the fear angle and focused entirely on the anger side and I shouldn't have done that.

[ambion]

3205471

Part of the issue, I feel, was how quickly Luna and U.P. meet, greet, and then stabby stab. To reinforce that feeling of a sudden shift one that reinforces the emotion involved rather than takes away from that, it needed to be writ it out.

There's several options here on how to do that. A lot of it comes back to building on the connections you already set the groundwork for, particularily the Moonbeam/Luna arrangement. Imagine running into, in the midst of all that, your own daughter who promptly kills you. While this isn't to say UP is utterly deluded into thinking Luna IS Moonbeam, the striking resemblence would readily be at the forefront of his thoughts. All the more so if Luna had stabbed him once and left him to bleed out (too bewildered and shocked to finish him off promptly).

His last thoughts as he bleeds out would reveal an utter metric fuck-heap about his character. To bring to mind a morbid example, think of the Joker in The Dark Knight, his "Why I use a knife," speech.

If, for example, UP's dying thought was to try and cut down Luna, despite his mind insisting to some extent she's just like his daughter, does that then show the total tragedy of it, that he's truly had it all taken from him, even his own loves and values? Were that the case, this death shows him having had become just like the conscriptors; hardened, imcompassionete, broken and unable to feel from this conflict that was never his. That would really emphasise that hate and emptiness is all you have left, as you say yourself. Being willing to stab your own daughter, even the image of her? Definitive proof of
hate > love right there.

If, on the other hand, his dying action was one for Moonbeam - say...he fumbles about and tries to give Luna the bean (presumably still colour changing, but covered in blood to an extent that it is unanimously red) and Luna, naturally, is appalled and confused by the geture, then that evokes a similiar, but different, tragic element, one of love and familiarity, even family. In this approach, not only UP but Luna aswell meet an 'enemy' who is, by and large, Just Like Them, one that could have been made quite jarring (like you wanted) by UP making a misplaced fatherly gesture towards the distraught, weeping alicorn as he died.

As it is, you name the story "Just Like Me," so ask yourself was that to say that Luna and everyone has become full hate and empty as himself? Or are they Just Like Him in that they don't want to be there, they want to live their lives, not die their deaths? The story seemed indecisive on presenting exactly what the tragedy was, and this lends to some of that numbness I mentioned before.

[Mercury Zero]

3207723

Awesome possum! Thanks! I wouldn't take any of your direct suggestions, because there are certain things about the encounter that I feel are important and I don't want to change, but I think I could keep those things, and satisfy the sort of thing you're looking for.

Amazing help, thanks.