Where All Words are Written

When Angel, a deaf nephilim, arrives rather painfully in Equestria, he finds that all his worries are now the least of his problems. These ponies have never seen a nephilim before, and they have a very different sign language to the one Angel relies on. How will he communicate now?

A/N: MLP is not a thing in this Universe.

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Comments ( 8 )

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sky_petal_blank_flank

sky_petal_blank_flank #1 · Mar 13th, 2014 · · · Chapter 1 ·

To those who thumb down: What is wrong with the fic and how can I improve it? Give feedback.

Comment posted by sky_petal_blank_flank deleted Mar 13th, 2014

Imperium Bedlam

Imperium Bedlam #3 · Mar 15th, 2014 · 1 · · Chapter 1 ·

occupying myself as I did every night

Leaves a fair bit to the imagination doesn't it?

lunatic bandit Nine Toes

Woo borderlands.

and flumped down onto the bed

I think you mean 'slumped'.

stopping several steps away.

For a Manticore, would that be steps or paws?

around six of my paws in length

Paws apparently.

meaning it was probably bipedal.

This Manticore has a great vocabulary and reasoning skills.

with a lot of pockets.

Did ponies have the need for pockets? I think they did in Filli Vanilli but I'm not sure.

Zecora POV

I'm impressed you're attempting this hurdle on your first story haha, most authors tend to avoid Zecora or find a way to make her speak normally.

Oh, and, would you like

Comma after the 'and' isn't necessary.

Oh, yes, please.

Not sure if I should point this out or not because this sort of sentence stutter would fit Flutters.

so I thought...you'd be able to help?

Not that much sentence stutter though.

Hoofing over the tea, and taking a liberal sip, I smiled at Fluttershy.

I have this same problem. You use to many disjointed sentences like this and it tends to break the flow of the story. As an example this could also have been worded 'I hoofed over the tea whilst taking a liberal sip of my own and smiling towards Fluttershy.' which keeps a reader interested while also giving a larger word count haha.

It's unconscious now. A lot of broken bones and bruising.

This doesn't sound like something someone would naturally say in a conversation, people tend to rush through conversations even if they don't mean to and will use as few small sentences while speaking as possible.

I'd just discovered one of Starswirl's books that I'd never gotten a chance to read at the back of one of my shelves

That library is so big the shelves are double-sided against walls! Who designed that silly tree-brary?

I was not going to miss a chance to study this creature

Celestia dammit Twilight, in every single one of these HiE stories you want to study the main character.

So that's my rushed little list of things, there were other things that could have been fixed or done better but I'm really tired and stuff so I'll just use this as my attempt at applying for the editing thing. In the end though I only found that one spelling mistake so good job on that. The only thing I think that needs work are those damnable disjointed sentences.

sky_petal_blank_flank

sky_petal_blank_flank #4 · Mar 15th, 2014 · · · Chapter 2 ·

4085740 thank you for commenting. I appreciate the feedback.

That library is so big the shelves are double-sided against walls! Who designed that silly tree-brary?

you can find things at backs of shelves without them being double sided. Remember, Spike does most of the cleaning. he likely would have assumed Twilight had read the book before.

Celestia dammit Twilight, in every single one of these HiE stories you want to study the main character.

it's not an HiE, Angel isn't human, but Twilight never misses a chance to study, especially if she hasn't seen something before.

Not that much sentence stutter though.

it's not a sentence stutter, it's Fluttershy hesitating because she's been questioned outright and isn't sure what to do.

Zecora POV

I used to write poetry so I thought I could handle it. Turns out writing for Zecora is really difficult. Couplets are hard to get right.

This doesn't sound like something someone would naturally say in a conversation, people tend to rush through conversations even if they don't mean to and will use as few small sentences while speaking as possible.

What do you suggest?

occupying myself as I did every night

that's the idea. I want people to go, "Wait, he's masturbating? OH, he's just gaming, haha never mind." It's a sneaky way to make you pay attention.

'I hoofed over the tea whilst taking a liberal sip of my own and smiling towards Fluttershy.

editing.

with a lot of pockets.

I assume they know what pockets are...they probably don't have much need for them but I think they'd figure it out based on the same concepts being on their bags. Also, Daring Do's vest has pockets.

This Manticore has a great vocabulary and reasoning skills.

the manticore may well be more intelligent than we think.

I think you mean 'slumped'.

No, like, sort of falling/collapsing onto the bed.

For a Manticore, would that be steps or paws?

hmm...paces?

sky_petal_blank_flank

sky_petal_blank_flank #5 · Mar 17th, 2014 · · · Chapter 1 ·

4085740 some edits have been made as per your suggestions.

Imperium Bedlam

Imperium Bedlam #6 · Mar 18th, 2014 · · · Chapter 2 ·

4096000
Yeehaw

you can find things at backs of shelves without them being double sided. Remember, Spike does most of the cleaning. he likely would have assumed Twilight had read the book before.

Hmm, I guess so.

What do you suggest?

Anything really, so long as it joins those sentences into a larger one. For example: "It's unconscious now, it seems to have a lot of broken bones and bruises." Even though that doesn't shorten it when you count it, if you read it aloud it's a slight bit faster. Actually you might as well ignore that because I figured out the real problem just now, because of the way you've written it, it sounds like Fluttershy just said that out of the blue.