Chapter 1
Angel POV
It was the weekend. I was in my dimly-lit bedroom, occupying myself as I did every night. I blinked and rubbed my eyes, trying to will the haze away from them. Ugh, what time is it? Adjusting my glasses, I hit F9 and watched as the lunatic bandit Nine Toes and his surroundings shrunk to one little box among many. I clicked the one that represented my desktop and the cover art for Darksiders 2 sprang to life. The little clock in the corner read 5:03 AM. Fuck, no wonder I was so tired. I really needed to reset my sleeping patterns. In the meantime... I thought to myself, taking a sip of my now-cold coffee and grimacing, I have bandit ass to kick! One quick tap of F9 later, the time of morning was forgotten, and Nine Toes was all that mattered. Eventually, I managed to defeat him, and I spun around in my chair in victory, head tilted back, arms flung out to either side, nearly knocking my coffee onto the floor in the process. Right. Time for bed. Heh, never thought I'd say that. I shut down my iMac, put my retainer in, and half-flopped, half-slumped down onto the bed, not even bothering to take my glasses off or remove the stuff from the many pockets of my black cargo pants before I passed out.
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Manticore POV
That intolerable sea serpent! When will he shut up? The one the ponies called Steven Magnet was complaining yet again, about who knows what, and I had to get away. I didn't care where I was headed, I just needed to escape his dreadful whining. Besides, my stomach was rumbling and I would be tempted to try and eat that tail of his had I stayed any longer. I stopped briefly to catch my breath and faintly heard a lot of splashing and cries of, “Oh, what a world! What a world!” I rolled my eyes and set off again. After some time, I reached a vaguely familiar shelter. Oh, right, this is the place where that zebra lives. Well, I'm safe from Magnet here. Hey – what's that? Behind the shelter was a strange flickering light. Curious, I ventured towards it, stopping several paces away. From my safe distance, I could make out a vague shape inside the light, levitating around the height of the covering on top of the shelter. It was long, maybe a little shorter than me, around the size of a reasonably large snake, and lying flat in the air, long limbs dangling. As the light faded, I saw whatever it was open it eyes right before the light cut out entirely and it fell to the ground with a thud and a crack or two. I winced, then cautiously made my way closer.
The creature was around six of my paws in length, and mostly hairless. Its hind legs were covered, but much longer than its forelegs, which to me said it likely walked on them. It was also very tasty looking! It smelled a bit odd, but I could see a fair amount of muscle rippling beneath its soft pale skin, where it was left bare. But, that unbearable serpent had left me bored, so I decided to play with my food a little first
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Angel POV
I'm winding down to sleep, as usual, when suddenly I feel myself sink through my bed. I try to wake up, but sleep paralysis has set in. Panicking, I sink right through my bed and find myself falling through nothing. Am I lucid dreaming? If this is lucid dreaming, it sucks! I barely get the time to think this in my panicked state before I come to a gut-wrenching stop and find myself levitating, arms and legs dangling downwards, with a bright flickering light shining through my eyelids. I open my eyes and to my surprise, see the night sky through the near-blinding light. I levitate there for a few more moments before the light goes out and I fall what feels like several feet, landing on hard ground.
The landing knocks all the air out of me, and I struggle to breathe while also experiencing the worst pain I've ever felt, in my ribs and ankle. My mind starts to cloud and I can feel my consciousness slipping...but I could swear I feel hot breath on my skin before I do, hot, meaty-smelling breath and...OH GOD. CLAWS. ON MY SKIN. RAKING. NO NO NO. NO. IT'S LIKE A GIANT FUCKING CAT. THIS DREAM SUCKS. I begin to scream, then I finally lose consciousness and feel no more.
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Fluttershy POV
Close to dawn, I was suddenly woken by a guttural scream, one I'd never heard before. It sounded like somepony, or something, was in pain, and it was coming from the forest. Leaping out of bed, I ran down the stairs, and was almost at the door when I felt something hanging off my tail. I looked around and saw Angel Bunny scowling at me. “Not now, Angel, somepony's hurt! I'll feed you when I get back, ok?”
He squeaked his displeasure but let me go anyway. Taking this opportunity, I took off again, half-galloping, half-flying to the forest where I thought the screams were coming from. It sounded like they were coming from the direction of Zecora's hut! Oh my goodness, I hope Zecora is all right. Maybe I should have called in Twilight...later, this is urgent. I had nearly reached the clearing when suddenly the screaming stopped. Heart pounding, I forced myself to run faster, making sure to go around the poison joke patch. Screams cutting out like that is never a good sign.
After a couple more minutes I breathlessly stumbled into the clearing, looking around. I spotted a manticore tossing something in the air, letting it fall, and picking it up again in his mouth. I couldn't quite see what it was, but it didn't resemble anything I'd seen before. I cantered towards the manticore and stopped at a safe distance before taking a deep breath and intoning, “Mister Manticore! Put that creature down right now!” The manticore turned to me with a guilty expression, the creature hanging limply in its jaws, its tail poised to sting. “Now, mister!” It put the creature down and backed away, eyeing me warily. “I told you I would bring you food, what are you doing hunting this creature? It was already hurt, and I've never seen it around here before. It might be a species from another land! Now go! Shoo!”
As the manticore lumbered away, grumbling, I carefully approached the creature that had nearly been its meal. It was long, maybe about as long as Princess Celestia was tall, and almost totally hairless, except for what looked like a green mane. Its ivory skin was covered with cuts and scars, mostly on the forelegs. I couldn't see its face, but its head was very small. Its forelegs were short and scrawny, but its hind legs were very long and muscular. Its hand were similar to a minotaur's, but smaller, with longer fingers, which were tipped with short, stubby, black-painted claws. There was broken glass under its face. It was wearing some clothing – not much, just some torn black pants with a lot of pockets. A long cutie mark on its foreleg (arm?) looked like a black briar rose in full bloom, and another along its back was a violet and silver hooded cobra. I had no idea what kind of marks they were, or what they meant. I rolled it over and was met with low, throaty groans of pain and discomfort. “Um...hello? Anypony home?”
No response.
I carefully prodded it in the side with my snout and it moaned again, its strange little face screwing up. I jumped back and watched, waiting to see what it would do. Its open mouth revealed two neat rows of small, blunt, white teeth, clenched and covered on the top row by a moulded piece of something clear and shiny. Gingerly brushing the broken glass off its skin with my wing tips, I studied its face. Its eyes were small and forward-facing, and the rest of its face was kind of flat, except for its forehead and what might have been a nose. There was no snout, the mouth and nose were separated by a small swathe of skin, and the mouth didn't stick out as much as the nose did. Its lips protruded a little and were a strange pink colour. It also had some metal in its brow, but I didn't have the dexterity to remove it, so I left it. Its mane was styled, shaved on one side and long in the front, covering one of its eyes, but messy, like it had been ruffled or played with a lot. I could see that the downy hair was present on its barrel too. It seemed to be injured. One of its arms had bone poking out of it, its chest seemed deflated on one side and was bruised badly, and one of its lower hooves was pointing the opposite way to the other one. There were teeth and claw marks all over its torso, and they were all bleeding heavily. I couldn't tend to it on my own. I needed to get help.
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Zecora POV
Early one morning, I was suddenly awoken by a pounding at my door. Cracking an eye open and glancing at the clock, I saw that it was barely even dawn. Groaning, I hauled myself out of bed and onto all fours, groggily making my way to the door. “Hold on, hold on, my friend, a second more won't cause the world's end!” I opened the door and found a slightly panicked Fluttershy on my doorstep. “Fluttershy, welcome, what brings you here? Have you come to bring me cheer?” I asked with a poorly-concealed yawn.
“Oh, Zecora, I'm so sorry to have woken you, is this a bad time?”
“Not at all, I'm glad we could meet. Come in, come in, have a seat.”
Awkwardly, Fluttershy obliged, coming in and stiffly sitting on one of the chairs I had set out for social visits, her wings poised and ears drooping. She seemed anxious.
“So, why have you come to me? Oh, and would you like some tea?”
“Oh, yes, please. I'm here because there's something in the forest.”
“Come again? There's always something there, my friend.”
“Yes, but...it's different.”
“What do you mean? Is it animal, or a machine?”
“Animal...I think. It's nothing I've ever seen before.”
A whistling from the range distracted me. “Keep talking, Fluttershy, I'll prepare the tea. Why of all ponies, did you come to me?”
“Well, you're an expert on unusual things...so I thought" she hesitated and looked at me meekly before continuing, "...you'd be able to help?”
I hoofed over the tea before taking a liberal sip of my own and smiling towards Fluttershy. “Thank you, though I wouldn't say it's true. But I digress, is this creature the cause of your distress?”
Fluttershy nodded. “It's too big for me to carry back to my cottage, and I was hoping you could go get Twilight while I stay with it. I caught a manticore trying to eat it.”
“Ah, the Manticore. Was it the one with the quiet roar?”
“Yes, it had the...creature in its mouth.”
I shook my head. “Yes, that's not a surprise. It always has those hungry eyes.” draining the last of my tea, I paused before putting forward, “So...your request is I go and get Twilight for you? And what, pray tell, do you plan to do?”
“I'll wait by the creature and see if it wakes up. It seems to be unconscious now. It looks like there's a lot of broken bones and bruising.”
“Ouch. You know the remedies you will need. But the creature may be dangerous, please take heed.”
“I will. Thank you, Zecora. For the help and for the tea.”
“Not at all, Fluttershy, I'm happy to assist. Now, please, hurry, I insist.”
I watched as Fluttershy cantered back to the forest, forgetting the plants and potions I offered, and sighed, running a hoof through my still-flat mane. This was going to be an interesting day.
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Twilight POV
It was the crack of dawn and as usual, I was awake, reading. I'd just discovered one of Starswirl's books that I'd never gotten a chance to read behind some other books while cleaning (perhaps I should have cleaned the shelves myself more often), and so far it was fascinating. Soon, though, I was disturbed by a knock at the door. “Spike!” I called absently. “Somepony's at the door! Could you get that?”
No response.
“Spike?”
This time I could hear a faint snoring from upstairs.
Sighing, I made my way across the library to the door. Opening it revealed a rather odd looking Zecora. No jewellery, and her mane was flattened on either side of her head, like she hadn't styled it yet. I vaguely noted that it was a good look for her. “Good morning, Zecora.” I said, surprised. “What brings you here? None of the stores are open yet, and hardly anypony's awake.”
“Good morning, Twilight. I'm here on request. Fluttershy found a strange creature that is not at its best.”
“...And you need me, why?”
“Truth be told, I don't know. Fluttershy came and asked me to go. A manticore was trying to eat it. I think Fluttershy would like you to treat it.”
“Where is she?”
“Where is she? Why, of course, she's in the Everfree.”
I face-hoofed. “Yeah, I figured that, but where?”
“Somewhere near my home, I believe. Fluttershy was in a great hurry to leave.”
“Ok, just let me write a note for Spike so he knows where I am if he wakes up. Which is unlikely. Do I need anything else?”
“I think a stretcher should be brought. We don't want the creature to get caught.”
Taking a moment to try and understand what Zecora was getting at, I nodded thoughtfully. “You're right. My levitation might not be able to keep all its limbs together, assuming it has limbs, and if it's tall that might be an issue. Be right back. You can grab that book you wanted to borrow if you know where it is, but I won't be long.” I rushed inside, scribbled a note to Spike, and grabbed my saddlebags. I quickly packed them with a little food, some quills, ink, and a notebook. I was not going to miss a chance to study this creature, especially if Fluttershy thought it was strange. Levitating a large stretcher in front of me, I trotted back to Zecora. “Ready?”
She nodded, and we headed off to the forest together.
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To those who thumb down: What is wrong with the fic and how can I improve it? Give feedback.
Leaves a fair bit to the imagination doesn't it?
Woo borderlands.
I think you mean 'slumped'.
For a Manticore, would that be steps or paws?
Paws apparently.
This Manticore has a great vocabulary and reasoning skills.
Did ponies have the need for pockets? I think they did in Filli Vanilli but I'm not sure.
I'm impressed you're attempting this hurdle on your first story haha, most authors tend to avoid Zecora or find a way to make her speak normally.
Comma after the 'and' isn't necessary.
Not sure if I should point this out or not because this sort of sentence stutter would fit Flutters.
Not that much sentence stutter though.
I have this same problem. You use to many disjointed sentences like this and it tends to break the flow of the story. As an example this could also have been worded 'I hoofed over the tea whilst taking a liberal sip of my own and smiling towards Fluttershy.' which keeps a reader interested while also giving a larger word count haha.
This doesn't sound like something someone would naturally say in a conversation, people tend to rush through conversations even if they don't mean to and will use as few small sentences while speaking as possible.
That library is so big the shelves are double-sided against walls! Who designed that silly tree-brary?
Celestia dammit Twilight, in every single one of these HiE stories you want to study the main character.
So that's my rushed little list of things, there were other things that could have been fixed or done better but I'm really tired and stuff so I'll just use this as my attempt at applying for the editing thing. In the end though I only found that one spelling mistake so good job on that. The only thing I think that needs work are those damnable disjointed sentences.
4085740 some edits have been made as per your suggestions.