The Queen of Crystals

Twilight Sparkle receives a letter from Shining Armor telling her to come to the Crystal Empire immediately--and bring her little sister, Twilight Twinkle. But when she gets there she find that the Crystal Heart is missing! Can she bring it back before it's too late?

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Emraldilian

Emraldilian #1 · Sep 3rd, 2013 · 5 · ·

Alright, lots of issues I'm seeing. The concept is okay, but poorly executed.

From the start we get the bit of Twilight searching her books and too many of these "!!!" You should only use one where needed and no more, it can be a bit of an eyesore and one of them gets the point across.

Twinkle is a bit... too much for me, being Luna's student is fine. Creating stars is what bothers me about her, maybe once she's older I could see it, but for now, maybe she can just make the stars, er, twinkle? Just a thought.

Also a lot of dialogue can be summarized if it's not very important towards the plot/character development or has much entertainment value, the questions from Twinkle could be bunched up in one line with another explaining that Twilight gave simple answers. The mane six greetings could be "Twilight's friends, all at the station, greeted her." something like that.

Then there's something that shouldn't be summarized: "They soon discovered the reason for this--the Crystal Heart was gone!" How did they find that out? Were they told? Did they see it missing? And even before that some interaction with the crystal ponies would be nice, comments/questions of concern, something, they likely didn't just walk right through after seeing them like that.

On top of that look over your work again, plenty of grammar issues.

I hope my critique helps and I hope you improve, you can look over my stories and judge them as well if you'd like, I need the help as well.

Dash Aradele