Everypony needs a little hope, right? Even if they can't fly, use magic or do something correctly.
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- Member Since 3rd Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Nov 2nd, 2023
FuyonaEmonilla
I am Fuyona Emonilla Schneider. 27 year old she/they.
FuyonaEmonilla
Joined 3rd Sep, 2013 ·
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Uhh, what?
3246983 I have never wrote before this and this is not done.. I would appreciate if you did not comment like this due to it being negative on my cause.
Sorry if I am rude but... I would like it if you at least advise me or tell me what is wrong with my story that is probably shit.
Well here is my review (cracks knuckles)
You may want to sit down first, I tend to be blunt because that's how I would want it done to me...
Who is Fuyona? in a fic this short you probably want to use 'real' fake characters.
You don't put quotes in italics it looks silly and isn't necessary.
Use apostrophes correctly, Examlpe from your story:
That is very wrong. Apostrophes show possession or omitted letters. That has neither.
The voice of your verbs is all wrong, Example:
Should read something like:
Plot holes everywhere (Get your mind out off the gutter). Why does Mac growl at the unicorn at the end of the story? What did the letters accomplish? Why is Fuyona living with the Apples? Or is she just a friend? Why is there a romance tag? I saw no romance.
Grammar was poor with capitalization issues.
Most importantly... What was the purpose of a reader reading the story? I found none.
That is the most major flaw.
2/10
I'm sorry if this wasn't wanted, but you asked for a review and you got one.
My advise: read the Writing Guide, multiple times. And find a proofreader before you attempt any more stories.
3247123 Thank you for the tips.
I said this is incomplete and Fuyona is me. My main OC/ Selfy and I added that in the Author's notes.
Mac growled at the unicorns because he has taken a liking(love) to my OC Fuyona.
I meant to add that in before I published this but I'll add that in a few minutes.
In school at the current moment.
I have thought this was pretty good for a first attempt.
3247019
You want an honest review? Okay then.
My first question about your story is 'Who the hell is Fuyona and why does she have a Japanese sounding name in a setting that is closer to a fantastic western society?' The name does not fit at all, and seeing as it's the same name it makes her seem like a Self Insert.
A second question would be 'Where does she fit in with the universe?', because it's clear she doesn't. Shortly after you introduce her, you apparently say she's Luna's Student and is about to become an Alicorn. No part of that even makes sense.
Third, I ask, 'Is there actually a story, or is it just a string of words you put together with no rhyme or reason?'. There doesn't seem to be a story, and everything sort of ... Happens.
Fourth, 'Why is the Author trying to make my eyes bleed with poor grammar, terrible layout choices and in general absolutely zero visual appeal?'. Your story, without reading, looks like a Skag's pile in text form. It's all jumbled, and there just doesn't look very professional.
Fifth, 'Why is it that half of the actual tagged characters completely absent?'. I get that it's not finished, but seeing as we know literally nothing about what's going on, you should at least write up until all the characters are introduced. That way, we can actually get a feel for the story.
3247254
Wow. Um...
Well uh first question... I already answered that in a different comment:
And I can have my name whatever I want. It is Japanese and I prefer not to say what it means. My name has a painful past I can't and wouldn't get rid of. I like my name.
Second, you are right. She doesn't fit. She is meant to have no place. She will when I add more chapters.
Third, this will be a actual story if I can finish the chapter.
Fourth, wow. How rude.
Lastly, this is incomplete. Dr. Hooves will be in the next chapter if I can find the strength to continue... I now feel shameful again.
3247309 So your character is a self-insert relationship sue?
3247326 A what.
3247329 Well, A relationship sue is a character created for the sole purpose of being in a romantic relationship, as well as being a sub-class of Mary-sue.
A self-insert is a character based on the author.
Therefore, your character is a self-insert relationship sue.
Also, your character is one that is also a more traditional Mary-sue because of the factors that she's apparently insanely important as well as attractive enough for a character to apparently be in love with for no real reason, despite the fact that said character's existence would alter the course of Canon to the point of incomprehensibility.
3247366 I kinda have no idea what you said but I added a bit to clear up why Mac growled at the Unicorns.
3247240
I'm sorry, but no. The honest truth is I can find no redeeming qualitys in this story that would make me want to read this further.
3247326
Sounds about right.
3247329
Read the writing guide. A mary stu is basically a person who has only good things happen to them. Getting with Big Mac+Lunas student+having ponies fix stuff for free+Alicorn= MARY STU. And this is only the first chapter. (Alicorness is almost a guarenteed Mary Stu even if you some how made it make sense)
3247421
I wasn't gonna actually be a Alicorn in this.
Would you prefer me to take that out?
This story is based on a small part of my life, with MLP:FiM twists and wishes.(As I said in the Author's Notes)
I'm pretty lucky with most things in life,
being how I am still alive, for example... Unfortunately...I never thought writing a story could be so hard....
3247447 Rule one for writing fiction; Make sure to not base it on real events.
3247465 I just wanted this to be inspirational...
3247467 There are rules to fiction, and if you don't follow them, things don't end well. The readers here don't take well to self-inserts and Mary-sues.
Well. I'm new. Shoot me and I'm not joking.
I have no idea how to write.
If I make it.. Like... Uh... *Sighs*
3247486
Its nothing to be ashamed about, you are just clearly not gifted in the art of writing. However, writing is a skill, meaning you CAN improve.
3247497 Well. I do not know how to respond to that...
3247499
Did my positive/negative/polite insult/encouragement confuse you?
3247467
Polishing takes rough grit, the more polishing needed the more course the grit. Take the advice here not as cynicism but as lapping powder. Use it to polish your next chapter. I think you could write an inspirational story if you want to, just take your time and polish it a bit.
Also ignore that guy who said something about the name of your character. The only thing out of place about it is the fact it is more normal than Fluttershy - Twilight Sparkle - Applebloom. Applebloom, HA, goodluck making friends with a name like that. It's almost kind of sad really. Being named after objects that is. What if one of them was named Toilet Water, because her mom's prom night didn't go well? That pony would be messed up for life. FOR LIFE! Every time some pony wanted to talk to her it would remind her that she is no more than the culmination of bad planning and bad timing. And it get worse! They all have skills, jobs, and cutie marks associated with their name! What's your job? Ha ha ha.
But I digress.
It is your story. The variables are yours alone to set.
So chin up and keep writing!
3247619 Aww, thank you.
3247512 Yes.
If you ever feel like continuing, and I highly recommend you do, I'd gladly proofread/edit for you.