• Published 2nd Sep 2013
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Feeling Pinkie Mean - RainbowBob



Sombra has met his match, literally.

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Chapter 1: The Pinkie Pie Way!

Pinkie Pie bounced in her usual cheerful manner next to Twilight. The latter’s expression was the complete opposite of Pinkie’s cheerful demeanor; she had a frown ringed with worry lines, and bags hung underneath her eyes.

“So, Twilight, what did you need me for again?” Pinkie asked. She circled the unicorn in an impressive show of her bouncing abilities while occasionally using her own head to propel herself from the ground. “You sounded really worried about whatever it is you've called me here for! Is it a super duper uber secret emergency? Ooh, by the way, can we hurry this up? Mrs. Cake needs my help later because we’re having a mega big order of banana, macadamia nut, and even double chocolate chip cookies that I need to finish along with some triple vanilla pudding! Ooh, have you tried those?”

“Pinkie, please,” Twilight muttered. “This will only take a few moments. I just need your assistance with something really important.”

Pinkie smiled and began backpedaling in front of Twilight. “How important? ‘Equestria is doomed’ important? ‘The world is doomed’ important? ‘The entire universe is doomed’ important? Well, which is it?” Pinkie asked, her nose pressed uncomfortably close to Twilight’s.

Twilight backed away from Pinkie’s wide-eyed face. “Um… well, kind of. I think the ‘Equestria is doomed’ part hits the mark. Not sure about the world. And the universe is just pushing it, Pinkie.”

“Then what are we waiting for? To the library!” Pinkie shouted while pointing her hoof in the air in a dramatic pose while on two hooves. She held the pose for a couple of seconds, then dropped back to all fours and whispered in Twilight's ear: “We are going to the library, right?”

“First off: yes, Pinkie, we’re going to the library. In fact, we’re already here,” Twilight said, and pointed to the tree house that was more tree than actual house. “Secondly, will you please try not to cause an uproar about this? Celestia herself assigned me this task, and she’d rather keep it on the down-low for now. Understand?”

Pinkie saluted as per military standard, puffing her chest out. “Okie dokie lokie!”

“Great,” Twilight said, rolling her eyes. She made her way to the front door of the library with Pinkie hopping close behind. “Just try your best to keep this a secret. Nopony else can know about it.”

Entering through the wooden library doors, Pinkie caught sight of Spike by the bookshelves organizing books. “Does Spike know about this secret too?” she whispered to Twilight, casting Spike a scrutinizing look.

Twilight held in a groan. “Yes, Pinkie, he knows about the secret.”

“So, we don’t have to keep him... quiet?”

“What?” Twilight asked, shaking her head. “No, no, we don’t have to keep him quiet!”

“You guys do know I can hear you, right?” Spike called out from the top bookshelf, glancing over his shoulder, unamused, at the duo. He pointed his thumb over his shoulder toward the basement doors. “Also, bring rope.”

“More? Did the other ropes break already?” Twilight asked as she made her way to the corner closet to grab the replacement rope.

“Chewed right through. I told you chains would’ve worked better.”

“Where would I find chains in this town without looking conspicuous?”

“The same place you bought rope, a gag, and chloroform.” Spike snickered, turning back to his shelving in order to avoid Twilight’s glare.

After lifting the rope with her magic, Twilight motioned Pinkie to follow her. Once she had opened the basement doors, the pair descended the dimly lit stairs to the darkness below.

“Um, Twilight, what exactly is that secret thingy you needed rope for?” Pinkie asked with a twinge of uncertainty in her voice.

“Don’t worry, Pinkie. He can’t hurt you. Not from in his cage, at least,” Twilight said. Nearly blind now, Twilight peered into the gloomy darkness, muttering under her breath, “Now, where’s that light switch?"

Pinkie began backing up slowly, until her backside hit cold iron bars. She quickly turned to avoid whatever she had just walked into, nearly falling on her rear in surprise.

Pinkie could hear heavy breathing in the shadows directly before her. A low growl was clearly audible, along with a bout of shuffling as something moved closer to her.

“Hey Twilight, what was here in the basement again?” Pinkie asked.

A vile, green glow appeared in front of her, and two demonically crimson orbs shone with an evil intent as a vicious, purple haze sprouted out of the sides. The growling became a full-on snarl.

“Ah, here’s the light switch,” Twilight said. Bright lights flashed on, fully illuminating the basement. Pinkie squinted from the sudden change from darkness to light. A hiss sounded, accompanied soon after by a few muttered curses as well.

“I thought I told you to keep the lights off!” a gruff voice called out angrily.

With a roll of her eyes, Twilight unbundled the pile of rope and dropped it on the ground. Then she moved closer to the large, iron-barred cage that now made up the center of the basement. “And I thought I told you that I don’t care,” Twilight said.

Pinkie followed the new voice to its source, her eyes widening at the sight before her. King Sombra, ex-ruler of the Crystal Empire and villain extraordinaire, was standing on the other side of the cold iron bars and looking rather irritated.

“A useless wench like you should know to speak better to royalty!” Sombra yelled at Twilight, shaking his steel-clad hoof at her in rage.

In response, Twilight sighed deeply under her breath and withdrew the cage’s key. “Sorry, but my patience for a tyrannical dictator who enslaved his own ponies, tried to kill us all, and doesn’t know a thing about manners runs really thin. Plus, you’ve been complaining since you got here.”

“I’ve been complaining because you craven, lily-livered mares have trapped me here!” Sombra threw himself against the bars, wincing in pain as his attempt to break out failed. Pinkie observed a few bruises on his cheek, which were most likely from past failures. “Agh, curse this iron prison and you knave mares!”

“Blame karma, not me,” Twilight replied. She unlocked his door and whisked him up in a field of magic. While Sombra struggled in her magic grip, Twilight spun him around so he was soon wrapped in the rope. Setting him on the ground, Twilight made sure to tug at his bindings tightly, promptly leading to Sombra’s tongue to stick out and a loud grunt to leave his lungs.

“Try not to chew through these as well,” Twilight told him. Turning back to Pinkie Pie, she said, “This is the big secret I was talking about.”

Pinkie nodded and looked at Sombra struggling on the ground. “You kidnapped Sombra and locked him in your basement?” Pinkie asked, as she peered through the bars.

“Yeah—wait, no! I didn’t kidnap him!”

Pinkie rubbed her chin. “But doesn’t tying him up against his will and throwing him into a locked iron cage count as kidnapping?”

“No… well, yes, but that’s not the point.” Twilight sighed, running a hoof through her mane. “Listen, just don’t tell anypony he’s down here, okay? At least until I get word back from Celestia that it’s okay to let him out. This secret is of the gravest importance to Equestria’s safety.”

“No problemo, Twilight-o!” Pinkie said, giggling at Sombra’s attempts of breaking through the rope bonds. “You can count on me!”

Pinkie tilted her head to the side as she stared at Twilight. “Wait, do the other girls know about Sombra, too?”

Twilight gulped, a cold sweat running down her neck. “Heh, funny story about that… you aren’t the first pony I told this to.”

Pinkie’s lower lip quivered. “Why?” Pinkie asked, Sombra’s cries of protest ignored.

Twilight groaned under her breath, then looked Pinkie straight in the eye. “Okay, well… I guess I should start at the beginning.” Twilight sighed. “Spike found Sombra outside ransacking our garbage can one night, so weak he could barely stand up while mumbling something about a ‘weird looking food container’ and ‘needing nourishment to refuel his magic’—”

“I was merely trying to acquire food, and those silver cans were overflowing with it! I had just performed a magical feat far beyond what your pribbling minds could imagine, recreating my body from mere pieces! Not like either of you two clod-brained mares could possibly understand! So, of course, my appetite was monstrous after expending all my energy into the spell!” Sombra shouted in the background. “Though the amount of junk you had in those food containers was not appreciated!”

“...Anyway, after I found him and cleaned him up a bit, I asked Celestia for advice right away.”

Sombra laughed, a smug smile on his face. “Ha, like that bumbling fool could ever offer good advice!”

Twilight frowned and tightened the rope holding Sombra. The King went a bit blue around the face, his flailing being reduced to weak flopping.

“As I was saying, Celestia teleported here right away. After inspecting Sombra and asking him a few questions, the conclusion was reached that he somehow revived himself from the explosion back at the Crystal Empire using only his horn. It apparently landed all the way here in Ponyville and only recently did his magic kick in to bring him back. However, the blast and renewal of his body greatly hindered his magical abilities.”

“Say what now?” Pinkie asked.

“He can’t use magic.” Glancing back at Sombra, Twilight raised an eyebrow at his overdramatized thrashing. She loosened the rope a touch. “Otherwise, he would’ve escaped already.”

“You—huff—better believe I’ll—gasp—escape soon enough, you insufferable, urchin-snouted peasants!” He panted hard, positioning himself awkwardly to get into a sitting position. “And once I’m out of this petty prison, you and the rest of Equestria shall feel my unparalleled wrath!”

“I should’ve gotten him a muzzle,” Twilight muttered. “He’s not much of a threat against Equestria without his dark magic, so Celestia decided now was as good at time as ever to reform him.”

“Like we did with Discord?” Pinkie asked, just as Sombra snorted in contempt.

“As if a bunch of empty-headed mares could ever hope to change me,” Sombra said, rolling his eyes. “You’re just wasting your worthless time, insolent foals!”

“Usually, I’d try to be the optimistic one, but I may have to agree with Sombra… for once in my life,” Twilight said. “Sure, the reforming process worked on Discord, but it’s stuck at a standstill for Sombra. Nothing I or the other girls have tried is having much of an effect. Plus, Discord ate every page of the reforming spell, so that plan didn’t follow through.”

Sombra smiled triumphantly. “You are all spineless dolts that have no chance at ever reforming me! Once my magic is back, vengeance shall be mine, and—”

“Will you please, just please cut it out with the vengeance speeches?” Twilight held a hoof to her temple. “Can’t you go five minutes without declaring that we’ll rue the day?”

Scowling intently, Sombra cast his gaze to the side and said, “Only if the delicious treat you call ice cream is to be delivered to me in all due haste.”

“Ice cream?” Pinkie asked, staring at Twilight.

Twilight shrugged. “Apparently they didn’t have ice cream a thousand years ago. Or many other modern things. He freaked out the first time I turned on a light bulb in front of him.”

“I did not ‘freak out!’” Sombra protested. “I was merely surprised at the technological advancements this age has made. Lights in the ceilings, compartmented boxes to keep food at cold temperatures, soap! It amazes me what I’ll discover next.”

“Back to the point—and yes, before you ask again, I’ll get you that ice cream—I initially had Fluttershy help me out with this endeavor. That… pretty much failed.” Twilight pointed at Sombra accusingly. “Mr. Dictator here tried to bite her!”

“What, do you think these fangs are just for show?” he asked, smiling a wickedly evil, sharp-toothed grin at the mares.

Pinkie frowned and laid both hooves at her sides as she stood on her back hooves. “That was a really mean thing to do, Sombra. You should be sorry for scaring Fluttershy like that.”

Sombra snickered, his smile even wider and creepier. “Like I’d ever feel sorry for scaring one of you brain-addled, dunder-headed—”

The glow of Twilight’s horn cut him off. What resembled a magical hoof pushed Sombra over from his sitting position, causing him to land painfully on the back of his head on the cold floor of his cage.

Twilight and Pinkie wisely disregarded Sombra’s moans of pain.

“Basically,” Twilight went on, “Fluttershy was so scared that she declined to have any more more reforming sessions. Applejack tried her hoof at him as well, but she told me he was even more stubborn than her. Rarity refused after he used a few choice words about her appearance… and weight. And Rainbow Dash said she wouldn’t even waste her time trying to fix a slimy scumbag like him.”

“So… I’m the last choice then?” Pinkie said, a slight whimper escaping her.

Twilight rested a supportive hoof on Pinkie’s shoulder and brought her in for a one-armed hug. “Hey now, Pinkie, don’t be sad. See it this way: Kindness, Honesty, Generosity, Loyalty, and even Magic have failed to correct Sombra’s evil ways. But maybe Laughter can finally be the trick into making Sombra a good pony.”

“The only laughter I’ll be experiencing will be be the one I do while I am dancing over your graves!” Sombra yelled. Although he was still stuck on his back like an overturned turtle, it had little effect on his volume.

“So, the entire fate of Equestria rests in my hooves,” Pinkie said, ogling at her pink limbs.

“Well, not exactly…” Twilight shrugged, patting Pinkie’s hooves. “I mean, sure, all of Equestria is depending on you to reform Sombra. He just seems kinda helpless, though. Anyway, are you up to the challenge?”

“You bet I am!” Pinkie said while choke-holding Twilight and pointing to the ceiling heroically. “I, Pinkamena Diane Pie, shall tame the menace known as Sombra, teach him the magic of friendship, and reform the stuffings out of him, whether he likes it or not!”

“I don’t!” Sombra shouted.


“Too bad!” Pinkie said, releasing Twilight, who promptly fell to the ground and sucked in huge gasps of air. Turning back to the cage, Pinkie leaned on the bars and pointed right at Sombra. “You’re gonna get reformed the Pinkie Pie way! That involves smiles, parties, balloons, streamers, cakes, cookies, games, hugs—”

Sombra’s pupils shrank and his eyes widened as Pinkie continued to list off exactly what was included in the Pinkie Pie Super Duper Reforming Package™ without end. Flipping himself over and crawling on his stomach to Twilight, he began to beg, “Okay, bring back the others. Anyone. Even a dungeon is more preferable than being with her.”

Twilight smiled weakly and rubbed at her neck, which was sore from Pinkie’s surprisingly strong grip. “Too bad, Sombra. She’s your only chance. Don’t screw it up.”

“Just wait until I get my powers back,” Sombra said, his glowing gaze growing brighter for a short moment. “Then you’ll pay. By the fire of a thousand suns, my fury has no end and you will all burn beneath my might like the insignificant whelps you are!”

“We’ll see,” Twilight replied, a brief shudder of fear running down her spine as she picked herself up from the ground. “But in the meantime, do try to be a gentlestallion—if you even know how to.”

After Pinkie listed off the bonuses and prizes her reforming package included, she went to Twilight’s side and moved her huge grin right next to the other mare’s face. “So, Twilight, what’s my first mission to reform Sombra?”

“Um…” Twilight glanced back at Sombra. “How about you get that ice cream I promised Sombra before?”

“Ooh, excellent idea! I can spoon-feed it to him, kind of like a foal! That’ll be our first trust exercise!” With a trail of dust outlining her figure for a few moments, Pinkie was gone, speeding away to the nearest source of sugary, dairy delights for the ex-king.

“I’ll just leave you alone, then, before Pinkie gets back,” Twilight told Sombra, smirking as she made her way up the stairs. Looking over her shoulder to stare down at him, a dark frown overcame her face. “Just remember, Sombra, Pinkie is pretty much your last shot at freedom, so I’d try to be at least somewhat nice to her, if you can manage that.”

Twilight left and slammed the basement door shut, leaving Sombra in the brightly lit room to sit on his stomach uncomfortably, while he waited for the pink menace to return.

“So this is Tartarus,” Sombra reflected, staring up at the door with a mix of dread and anxiousness for the delectable treat known as ice cream. “Much pinker than I imagined.”

Author's Note: