The scientists of Equestria have made a dimension jumping device called the D.J.D. (that's its name because the author didn't have any creative names!), when they turned it on, the bronies and brony haters of one universe come into the Equestrian universe. While both types of humans showed compassion (or something near kindness like not being a killer) at first, but then the haters "accidentally" got hit by a spell that would force them to make violent decisions!
Only a handful of the thousands of humans are not corrupt, but that's not a whole lot! One human appears one day proclaiming that he would save this world! However he didn't give us his name, so he's going to be called Wanderer.
I found Rainbow Dash riding on top of Applejack here.
Chapters (17)
I like it
YA!
3182890
Did not expect someone to say something about the saving. Thanks for unexpectedly saving!
Well... Rarity's reaction was a bit... tame.
And you'd do well to keep characters from stating something you just explained.
A simple grunt or sigh would have sufficed.
Other than that, good job, I'll be waitng.
3200769
Thank you... I should've realized a bit quicker...
3200803 no prob, just keep on being awesome.
3200803
Now the sentence is alright! Yay!
Now I got to remember to proofread it as soon as I think I'm able to publish.
I don't want to sound like an asshat and tell you how to write, but it would be nice if you would slow down every now and then to describe what new scenes and locations looked like. Not over descriptive just a little explenation like what you did with the white room. I don't know about other people but I like it when i have a good idea of how the area looks, it helps me picture it in my mind and lets me see the story as a movie instead of lines of words. You could do the same with characters too, stuff like how they dressed, acted, or give them a personality.
And my question to you sir, who are you and how did you end up in your predicament?
Now, i am off to feast on the blood of the innocent jelly people. I shall wait patiently for the next chapter of this somewhat confusing tale.
Good day sir.
This needs to be read by more people, it's getting good. I tip my moustache to you, good sir.
3220238
Though not many people view this story, it's the ones who do that make me feel even happier.
When people like you come along, an author can feel even better when they hear they did something right.
Now I'm going back to my writing station, adieu!
3220301
"Man... I think Author is getting a bit too softhearted." Wanderer says with disdain.
aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh, riddles!
and cliffhangers
and... tyancats?
Ok, first thing first, it feels like you'r rushing it. Take your time.
Second, Re-reading a chapter out loud will help catch any mistakes you might have made.
And third, I can't really draw on a computer so I can't submit a design, but a deranged/insane, australian/british/russian, guitar-playing, thief would be cool. Think of all the accents
3253503
Can you please tell me how to do a British accent?
I don't know exactly how a British gentleman sounds like...
3263319 I have no idea
I guess you just have to you words like chap, smashing, delightfull, and other pleasantries. Just sound fancy
3263663
Very well chap! I will make this a smashing (Hopefully...) chapter to read! Good day to you, sir!
Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of it already!
Wow, that was AWESOME! Like playing minecraft for the first time, awesome. Keep it up.
3282866
Thanks! Next chapter will have samurais and ninjas, so... uh-oh for Wanderer?
Also, I find it interesting how you are the only commenter... watch, now that I've said that, someone else is going to say something.
Edit: Whoops I lied...
3287766
"Haven't I also commented?" Wanderer asked, "Don't leave me out like I'm not here!"
3287766 Some cover art might get peoples attention. Just make sure it relates to the story
3288079
Is there anywhere that I can give requests? I already have a request going on in the "art for fanfiction" forums. It hasn't gotten any attention though, even though it's literally stuck to the top of the post list.
3288168 Well, you could always try google images. I would do it but I don't have a tablet or anything of the sort, and drawing with a mouse is like trying to draw without fingers.
3288188
Thank you, I will try that.
Please ignore my three previous comments, they were of me complaining.
Well, looks like someone's gonna get drunk
Here's the thing, writing a story is like painting a picture, you can't just focus on the giant house in the center, you have to give detail on the suroundings and set the mood. You also seem to condense a bunch of actions into a small amount of writing when you could have made it bigger and more detailed.
For example
could have been something like "The (insert description here) train screeched as it came to a fast/slow halt at ponyville station. The train doors opened to reveal a (description) figure. The figure trudged out into the (descritive word) day/night to reveal he was no other than the wanderer. 'Why did I have to fall asleep on the hard seat?' he groaned as he (descriptive word) massaged the back of his neck."
See, all you need to do is take all the small pieces and turn them into bigger, more descriptive pieces. If the chapter gets too big then just cut it in half and only post the first so that you have more time to work on the next. You should also use double spacing, it makes the story alot easier to read. Also http://thesaurus.com/browse/synonym is really useful, just type in a word and you get synonyms, it helps a lot. As for the bird speach, I think you did a pretty good job.
Also, don't quit the story. Even if no one reads it, make sure you finish it, it'll help you get better at writing and keep you from falling into the habbit of leaving stories half finished. Anyways, have fun writing.
This chapter is huge...
Welp, guess I better start reading
Okay, probably my only serious gripe with this chapter, random over powered original characters jumping out of nowhere and saving the day is a big no no for any story.
If your gonna have a new character save the day you should give the readers prior knowledge of said character and show us how he got to that point or else it just feels cheap.
the story seems to have a nice flow for the most part, there are a few rough patches but nothing serious. I also feel like the wonderer might be a bit too perfect, nothing really seems to bother him, why? Is there something I'm missing? I know he's like the doctor, facing danger every other day, but It would be nice to know more of his past adventures to know him a bit better.
I also have to ask, is this planned out or are you just making it up as you go?
As for spelling and grammar, it's pretty good, there might be a few slip ups but nothing serious.
P.S. Merry christmas
3656791
First: I thought it was made obvious that some people/ponies were trapped in there like Pinkamena.
Don't worry... he'll be explaining himself...
Second: Yeah, I see your point about Wanderer... I guess I should tone down the writing of him being hard-stone-cold... and talk about his past adventures, sometime later in this story, or next chapter.
Third: Yes and no, I'm going along a basic skeleton, but I still make those expositions in my head. The basic skeleton is a story on Fanfiction.com with the same (sort of) name as this one... with the same author... making this story a rewrite of a terrible script version... don't read that one!
You must always save when playing s.t.a.l.k.e.r.
Get out of here s.t.a.l.k.e.r.
So... my drama teacher just told us the play was canceled for time restraints...
(i.e. there are only 2 and a half weeks of school left and we started a week ago) so I guess I'm coming back to this story.
(sarcastic anger... I don't mean to offend the people who like this story) It sucks that I won't be able to show off my stage talent...
but I think I am just fine with doing the song and dance (literally) she's making us do now.
I worked hard on those lines! For the first time in my life, I actually wish school was just a little longer!
(Again, I'm not saying I hate writing this story, it gives me a good vibe in fact, it's just... I really wish I could go onto the stage and act instead of doing some stupid dance.)
I just want to finish what I started and take back my ability to express myself! So... yeah, that just my little rant about my Author's Note in Chapter 15, I lied after all... I won't be in a play as the inspector, I'll be writing a story for bronies and do some stupid dance in the end of school assembly.
But... dang it!
I hope the rest of your days are awesome,
Please have a wonderful day, while I go back into my closet to think on the next chapter...
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Bye-Bye!!!