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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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420469
Thanks! Sorry for making you late, lol
431786
I love you too, bro. Sleep is for the weak, anyway!
431794
Thanks, Dark! Gotta love getting feedback. Feels good.
431982
I've been staring at this screen for the better part of ten hours today, so you'll have to forgive me if I don't cover every point, but I just wanted to say thanks for reading. I always look forward to your feedback, it's been great to have someone who can express things in an intelligent way that leads to improvements. I'll get back to you after you've read the other chapter. And after I get some sleep. Lol.
432133
Patience, Sir Nutty, patience. I'm building up to it! You know me, things take a while to get physical, but when they do, the release is worth it.
Heh.
Although there was no fluttershy, I still really enjoyed reading this chapter
Bravo sir
Two chapters, 23,000 words, and 12 pages of clop. And it was all awesome. You, sir, are spoiling us.
Eh- she deserved it, but... can't say I like where this is going.
Not a literary criticism in any way shape or form, mind you; it's more like, this can't end well. They're happy now, but how long will it last? They upped the ante.
that with Cashmere was epic. a full broadside!
Haha, an allusion to Preggity. Well played, well played.
433367
Thank you, I was wondering if anyone would get that
The event with cashmere hitting the fan loved it
As for the sex........ Interesting to say the least
Remember kids don't teleport while arousing your partner or something will explode.
Haha! For some reason this didnt say it updated on my list... No clue why had to manually find it. & I thought there was a "Preggity" Refference dismissed it though... But whatever!
Another great chapter 'of epic proportions' & Definitely spoiling us with it.
Let me guess, the hornjob was an allusion to Preggity?
Personally, I prefer this over Preggity as there is an actual antagonist and the world's more fleshed out.
Keep going, you've got our interest!
434310
Actually, the bit where they were talking about cake fetishes and such was the allusion to Preggity. I lost my interest in that story once it started delving into the really weird fetishes. I couldn't help but take a jab at it
The hornjob bit was just something I've been wanting to cover for a while, it always seemed like something fun to write about. I got the idea from a Twi/Rarity story, where it was written pretty well. I wanted to include a similar scenario, but I tried to come up with a reason for it to exist, hence the magical overload.
432890
Anything to keep people happy and interested in the story! As it just so happens, my long-winded chapters are exactly what a lot of people enjoy, so I really can't complain
Alright. The second one. Let's begin.
But first, a reply.
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It feels great to hear that my feedback is being appreciated and that it serves it's purpose. As always, I enjoy reading your story and writing feedback. So it's good that my feedback can be of help too.
Now on to the chapter!
First off, the preggity reference. Didn't expect that. Quite amusing.
Anyway. I gotta say that the revenge scene and plan as a whole was written amazingly. From the reactions to Pinkie, it was a VERY great read. Congrats! It's more fun than I expected to read about a furious Cashmere. I really can't put to word how much fun that scene was, but believe me, it was. And we also see the return of sex in this chapter and, by god, it's beautiful! The whole scene was absolutely beautiful. The sensuality of the first part with the song and bathrobe was captivating. And the fore play and sex was lead on to greatly with the surprise addition of the hornjob thing. I wasn't expecting that, but I liked it. It was interesting and sensual. And all around sexy.
What I really want to mention, is that you've really improved from your previous sex scenes. From how they act around each other to the sex itself, you really see and feel the history these two characters have and the love they feel for each other. In addition to being sexy, it also manages to be very sweet and romantic without being obvious. Amazing job!
revenge is sweet
"Next thing you know, you're going to want me to eat an entire tray of cupcakes until I turn into some massively overweight mare."
and i see what you did there
Really liking the story so far. Truly, a good job. An the Allusion to Preggity.. I see what you did there
434344
Oh yeah, like when the audience insert in Preggity expressed a desire for an immobile pony. Not to mention the idea of a fat Rarity. Personally, I like the jab you put in.
437364
Yeah, that stuff was just weird. I didn't know immobility and feeding were fetishes to begin with! I do now, however. There is not enough brain bleach in the world.
And why in Equestria would someone want a massively overweight Rarity? That's what I gotta ask, lol. I mean, the big draw for Rarity (for me, anyway) is that she's classy and gorgeous, and she really cares about how she looks. The idea of her suddenly dumping all of that in order to appease someone seems waaaaaay out of character to me.
Thin, sexy Rarity is best Rarity.
437378
I actually read the entire thing. Every fat, watersporting, food fetish filled page. Not because i'm into that (which I'm not), but because I wanted to figure out how the pregnancy ends up. I looked past the strange fetishes and instead read it for it's romantic and sweet content. It portays the weight and drama of a situation where you've managed to knock up a pony, really well. It's also quite good at portraying their relationship, much like your story. I actually started following your story because it's like preggity but without the pregnancy and strange fetishes. And also better. Or that's what it reminded me of when I first read the starting chapter, but it quicky evolved past that.
So, what I guess I'm saying is that, I think preggity was ok, and if it didn't have such strange fetishes, it would have been quite excellent.
It sets out to bring you a very heartfelt and emotional story filled with fucking weird sex. And if you're into that stuff, it really delivers. I'm not, but I can see it from that perspective.
So that's my opinion on preggity, if anyone was interested enough to read this.
Tough to say, but I think I still slightly prefer Preggity. Sanguiniuschan had a fantastic handle on his protagonist, one that I found more relatable (despite not sharing his fetish at all).
I hope I am not offending you by admitting this. Your story is still very good.
439244
I think Preggity is one of those stories everyone reads, but is very divisive. I think the relationship was portrayed well, yes, and I'd be remiss if I didn't admit that it's what made me want to write this story in the first place -- I wanted to get across a caring, romantic relationship without the weird-ass fetish stuff. It was kind of a "I can do better" sort of mindset. It really tore at me to have these increasingly odd sex scenes keep popping up in every chapter. I'm by no means some innocent, doe-eyed guy when it comes to sexual stuff like that, but it was literally to the point where I couldn't continue. It was a huge, huge turn-off. I knew it had to be for other people as well, so I started writing this. If Preggity is clop with a story, I wanted a story with clop. If that makes any sense.
439531
Well, no offense taken. You have your right to your opinion. The big difference between the protagonist in my story, and the protagonist in Preggity, is that mine is more of a distinct person, I feel. Preggity's protagonist is basically a complete, empty shell that you insert yourself into. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it is the point of 2nd person narrative, after all. It just felt to me like the protagonist was too empty. In fact, I don't recall the protagonist have a single line of dialogue! Mine has a lot of speaking bits, which I feel gives the character a stronger sense of personality, but you can't please everyone.
Some people may not like the character mold you've set out for them, and I understand that. I wouldn't change a single detail about it, though.
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Actually, speaking of Preggity, I just realized that my story has more likes and less dislikes! Holy cow!
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I didn't know that a difference of 102 thumbs between up and down was so easily miss-able.
And when it comes to your goal on being like preggity but more story and not just for those who are into weird stuff, I'd say you succeeded. For example, the sex scenes in preggity are a lot less like like yours. And if you don't know what I mean by that, go and read my feedback on chapter 8 if you haven't already.
And I agree on the turn-off thing, I was just saying that, if you took preggity and replaced the weird stuff with less weird stuff, it'd actually be really good.
I think you have already outdone preggity in many aspects.
439870
Erm, I meant it has more likes and less dislikes than Preggity, Amppi. lol.
439897
Oh, well that makes a lot more sense. Next time try "...my story has more likes and less dislikes than preggity!"
Now I feel stupid...
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">Actually, speaking of Preggity"
I still love you, bro, lol.
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I just realized I never responded to your chapter 8 review. Silly me.
I was actually pleasantly surprised that you liked the sex scene stuff, I wasn't sure if twelve pages was going to turn out to be longer than one might find enjoyable. It had been a long time since I had a clop scene in my story, and I wanted to make up for it, but I also wanted to improve on what I'd written before. Hence the little burlesque bit (with Fallout music reference!) and the foreplay stuff. Not to mention the failed teleport, which acted as a nice little segue between scenes and gave a reason for the hornjob thing to happen.
So yeah, glad you enjoyed it
439921
I didn't notice that "speaking of preggity" part... Now I feel twice as stupid.
You don't need to worry about the length of the sex scene. As long as the scene doesn't drag on and you keep things interesting, the sex scene's size doesn't matter much.
441624
At least the engies you're talking about are a credit to their team instead of a small improvement over an unneeded sniper.
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Combat Engie can be fun on offense, with payload maps or something similar. Though defensive combat engies are pretty pointless.
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I know what ya mean. I used to be a 19 Kilo --that's an Abrams crewman-- and while it was pretty awesome, there is, surprisingly, zero real-world jobs that involve operating tanks. Go figure.
This has to be the best reward for reader loyalty that I can think of, and I certainly loved the gift, so thank you. It was also great to see Cashmere get her dose of comeuppance and public humiliation, proving schemey Rarity is a force to be reckoned with.
The jab at Preggity made me smile; I too found the food play and extreme weight to be a major turn-off. In spite of that, I did enjoy the story, mainly for how much it delved into all the intricate emotions of the main's relationship, with intimate descriptions of their romance, and by ignoring the fetishes I could enjoy the well written sex scenes. I had other contentions of course, mainly how other than Rainbow and Twilight the other mane characters had no roles (and other than Pinkie, barely received a mention), how besides the pregnancy and continued romance there was no overarching story, with its focus on the mundane and lack of (cartoon) conflict and shenanigans causing me to wonder at times if it even took place in the same universe as the show (the closest I saw was lovers' quarrels over the main risking his life to save Rarity, and later her insistence on including Dash and Twi in the lovemaking sessions). I am sure a large part had to do with the blank-slate, "Gordon Freeman" style protagonist; it makes it very easy for the reader to insert himself into the tale, but does not afford much for the author to work with.
Well enough about Preggity, I guess what I am trying to get at is that with your story, by avoiding all the bizarre fetishes that weighed (hur) down the former, actually having a compelling storyline that stands on its own and not as a premise for sex, a 2nd person insert that has dialogue and a bit of personality, and of course well written romance and intimacy, you have already surpassed Preggity, and indeed any other 2nd person love stories I have read on this site so far. And to think too, that at 8 chapters you already have written almost as many words as the other story! I hope, both as a fan of good storytelling and a man who suffers a severe case of Rarity waifu-ism, that you continue to bless us with many more chapters.
442100
So, you're a former soldier too eh? I figured as much, since your descriptions of military life were too accurate to be coincidence; I was a Combat Engineer, 21B (or 12B depending when you ask), if it wasn't already obvious lol. I actually like this fact about the protagonist's past a lot, as it is easy for me to relate to him and ultimately helps with the feeling of immersion.
Aww, that was nice I fully expected Ditsy to deliver to the wrong person, and shite to hit the fan when they tried to follow up, and you had me believing it until the last moment when she starts stumbling. Well played, well played
I think Twi'll be mighty impressed that Rarity teleported at all. The magical overload is going to go over her head though. "Why would anyone want a sensitive horn? What do you mean it feels good? Why are your eyebrows twitching?... Oooooooooh "
From looking back on the comments and the whole pregity discussion (which I haven't read), you said that you were worried that having a strong characterization from the 2nd person might turn some people off. I personally love it, and to be honest this is the only 2nd person perspective story that I've ever enjoyed, and absolutely loved at that. Keep up the awesome!
457156
Thanks, Bridge
For the record, if anyone else is wondering, I prefer to call her "Derpy", but "Ditzy Doo" does sound more like a name you'd see in the show. It works better for fics, too. See Fallout: Equestria for an example.
I'm happy with the 2nd person protagonist having a strong personality...only one person so far has said they preferred the "empty slate" type of insert, and that's a tiny, tiny minority of my readers, so I don't plan on changing anything any time soon. I'm working on the next chapter as I type this, it'll probably be a few more days until it's out, but it'll be focused on Fluttershy
457349 Yay! Fluttershy is second best pony. Lauren Faust is the best pony after all :D
Review Time:
First off, I should hate myself for liking this fic. I should be kicking my own ass, but...it's so...well written and fucking hilarious. I have never read a fic that got me to laugh as much as this one has clop or not, it has all the elements of a great fic. There is comedy, drama, action, romance, character development and genuinely heartwarming emotions that you wouldn't expect in a story like this one.
In your fic the unnamed human in Equestria isn't a whiny bitch or a violent sociopath. There are so many of these types of fics where the quote, unquote hero, is this miserable piece of shit with no friends, his family hates him, he's overweight, listens to dubstep and cries himself to sleep. He then gets either hit by a car, bus, dies violently or he is teleported and wakes up in Equestria where the following may happen: all the mane six love him, he gets magical powers then he proceeds to get into a relationship with usually Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash or Twilight, they screw and he is turns into a "fucking" pony. On the opposite side of the spectrum the HIE is a sociopath with a glimmer or kindness that acts like a complete tool, get's magical powers and then boinks one of the mane six.
Your protagonist even though he is nameless has personality and behaves in a way a regular sane person would act for the most part. He's generally likeable and does the right thing and if you ignore the fact that he's nailing a pony, his concerns over his relationship feel justified and the way he and Rarity play off of each other feels natural. Rarity is extremely likeable and well written and heck you even do a better job of making the reader like her than on the show. She's sarcastic, funny, endearing and loyal. It's the all the subtle and small things like relaxing on a couch, having breakfast, wishing each other a pleasant day before they go to work, or just making idle conversation. You actually understand that those moments are important and you aren't beating us over the head with lovey dovey stuff. It's those little romantic idiosyncrasies that speak the loudest. You get a sense that the relationship presented feels permanent.
The supporting cast is great too whether it's that for a lack of a better word "bitch" Cashmere because lets face it throughout all these chapters you kinda want to see her get punched in the face, IN THE FACE!!! You also have adorable Fluttershy who's unsure of herself, the also funny Pinky Pie(I lost it at the Tenacious D bit, a solid laugh for about ten minutes), and the human's work friends(Pipe Wrench and Long Haul), who play off of each other really well and it feels like guys being guys, the type of people you'd want to hang out with whether it's getting high or drunk or just chillin at their mom's house at 3am.
This fic is damn near perfect and despite the fact that many may label this as clop, now I'm not disagreeing with them. It just feels more than just that, It's a story about two adults in an adult situation. She saved his life, the two become close and they must deal with problems like regular people, if you strip this story of its franchise then it becomes just a well made love story and like Paul McCartney sang "what's wrong with that?"
I figured if you took the time to write a long story I could give you a long review. I can't wait to see what happens next.
I give this story a solid 5 out of 5 stars.
eventexperts.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/5-stars1.png
Peace Out.
465670
Wow, I wasn't expecting such a big review. Thank you very much, Waffler! I've tried my best to make every chapter fun and interesting, so I'm happy to see that things have been panning out. Let's see here...
I know what you mean about the main characters in a lot of fics. Extremes, while they may be fun for dramatic purposes, don't really fit this kind of fic. I wanted the character to feel like an everyman, even if he has a personality and dialogue. I mean, really...if you have your protagonist running around and punching ponies in the face, or curling up into a ball and crying at every misstep, that turns away a lot of readers. Most people aren't dangerous sociopaths or whiny douchebags, so why make your main character one? Glad you like it.
Something about Rarity has always just 'clicked' with me. Maybe it's because I find her the most relateable, with the most 'human' personality. I think she's the most well-developed character on the show, and you can really get a feel for who she is. Even though she's outwardly refined and sophisticated -- sometimes to the point of annoyance -- she's a very caring and generous pony on the inside. That's why I felt like she would be the best character for my story. It's easy to imagine her as a loving and playful partner, her personality leans that way heavily.
So yeah, it made me smile to read your review. I'm my own worst critic, and every time I finish a chapter I have that moment where I wonder 'is this good enough?', but then I see comments like yours and it gives me some good confirmation that I'm on the right track. I hope you continue to enjoy the story, because I'll continue to write it
Before I even read it I gotta say . . . . that pic of Rarity!
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That's actually a piece of custom fan-art by an awesome guy named Razzashi. He's made fan art of Rarity and two OCs so far, with more on the way.
Anyway, enjoy the story! I'm a few hours away from putting up chapter nine.
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She's concerned with being upright and proper and all that, sure, but absolutely all the time? Not likely. With as much time as they spend together in the show, it's really not too far of a jump to a relationship, either. However, I realize it's not for everyone, so thanks for reading anyway.
absence makes the heart grow fonder
while abstinence makes the arm grow stronger
Living for you
Is easy living
It's easy to live
When you're in love
And I'm so in love
There's nothing in life but you
I'm not sure why but that reminded me of a song I heard on GNR while playing Fallout 3. I miss that game, I wish I could play it again sometime...
ANYWAY, This story is turning out really well and I congratulate you. Love your rarity, this story really shows her inner personality of generosity pretty well while keeping it fairly "canon" (as canon as you can get while involving her in a deeply personal relationship with a human). This reminds me why I'm so fond of Rarity. I also like your characterization of "me" even if I personally tend to be pretty smug, somewhat blunt, and much more introspective rounding me out as a good natured, yet manipulative smart-ass. I assume I am not your character's inspiration however so I suppose I must forgive your... deviations. /troll ;)
588623
Well now that's one way of putting it... lol
Alright, not to be one of those people, but this story made me create this account just so I could comment on how amazing a work of fiction it is! I mean, it's doesn't get boring reading it for while, it has humor, it has drama, it has a relatively strong plot (heh) going for it, and most importantly, it has good clop scenes!
Also, that Tenacious D reference was genius, I mean I nearly died of laughter at the absurdity of it. It just fits so perfectly into that scene, without being too big of a forced reference. I applaud thee fine sir, and I applaud thy talent for making such a marvelous story.
I really liked the chapter, it shows that you don't play around with Rares.
And also, was that a small pun, reference and joke about the fic Preggity I just read?
Love the "Tenacious P" reference!!
Referencing Master Exploder earns you all my love. I fired up the song as soon as I realized and imagined Pinkie singing the words. Awesome sauce was created.
Great Fic man I love it. I'm glad for how good the fic is including the clop stuff but it's done well with the huge story around it that make sthis story great. Keep writing and I will keep reading.
So................two in the pink.....no, three in the pink and one in the stink get's Rarity......horny?
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465670
All my love for this review! I couldn't have said it better myself.
...and with that I lost it! Too much awesome for me to handle and my mind blew a circuit for a good while.
Oh and that love scene, so... amazingly... hot...
I have to be honest and say that when I first saw Rarity on the show, she was my absolute least favorite character. She felt so stuck up and self-serving (when she lied to her friends to spend more time in Canterlot, only to have it work out for her in the end). But the more I watched, the more I started to see what she really was. Then I started reading some fics involving her and it just expanded my feelings about her character and now I think I've read more fics involving Rarity than any other character. Thank you for further adding to my growing love for Rarity.
Alright, so I feel it's time for me to drop some thoughts on this one. For starters this is my first taste of a second person narrative and I was a little leery of it to start off. The whole 'You find yourself X and must deal with Y' thing always seemed a bit much to me, but suffice to say once I got used to the style I've found myself quite pleased with this. Come to think of it, this is my first Rarity shipfic too... Regardless, this is simply amazing. The feelings and dialogue all feel genuine and fluid. And most importantly its a plot with clop sprinkled in, and not vice-versa. That is a true Rarity....pardon the pun.