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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well Im bare ly starting to read this(XD) But I have to say, after reading all 6 chapters.......I'm LOVING this fic.......seriously dude.
Ah. Another week, another chapter.
To start off, the scene in which Celestia attempts to get our protagonist home is surprisingly well written, and you can really see how Rarity and him have a budding connection. The mind tapping/reading idea was also a good one. As with the rest of the chapter, it's once again quite great. The characters feelings about last night and the overall situation are very clear and believable. Scheming Rarity is always fun to read and doesn't come out as OOC like it does in most fics I've read. The Pinkie scene was absolutely wonderful, and the little 4th wall line was also a very nice touch. I also got a little laugh out of the "we kill the batman" line. I'd also like to point out that you managed to cut the chapter into two without it ending abruptly, which I've once again seen happen in many fics. So nothing much to say until the second part is here, just keep up the exceptionally great work! Can't wait to see how it all turns out.
If this comment feels like it's missing something or seems rushed, it's because it's 1:09am as I'm writing this, and I'm really tired. I think I'll go to bed soon... That is, if you don't post the other chapter/part within the next hour or two.
"I read the last chapter, duh!"
I laughed so hard when I read this.
Very nice touch. I'm really enjoying the way the story is progressing and look forward to seeing how our hero's quest for vengeance turns out. Like the actual show, your chapters are something I eagerly await each and every week.
Keep up the great work!
I really liked this chapter but I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeealy realty realty wanted a hu-rare-shy scene somewhere in there's and was sad when I didn't find it.
I want that scene soooooooooo bad
please sir, do it for fluttershy
"Four thousand fifty-one bits, to be precise!"
"Wait, how did you know that, Pinkie? I don't recall giving you access to my financial records."
"I read the last chapter, duh!" Pinkie adds with a smile.
You owe me a new lung. through the intense laughing, the last one is broken.
Threesome with Flutershy and Rarity..... Would be simply MARVALOUS! the only thing that can beat that is an orgy with all of the mane six and the princesses, ooooooh yes now that would be fun.
lol pinkie broke the fourth wall. i love it when that happens
Every joke had me laughing, how do you come up with some of that stuff? I thought the "we have to kill batman" gag couldn't be toped but then Pinkie breaks the 4th wall
YES, I'm loving this fic!
This is some top notch writing, every time I read, I feel as if I am thrust right into the protagonist's shoes, and his hopes, fears, and desires become my own. The flashback sequence in the beginning was particularly moving, and I feel the anxiety worrying about how Fluttershy is going to complicate the relationship with the mare he/me intends to propose (I know if given the opportunity, I'd totally ask for her hand).
just had to have pinkie break the fourth wall at some point right?
Loved it, except for one part: "my" reaction to being stranded in Equestria. Based on what I've seen of "myself" in this story, I think it could have been done with a little more... weight. Something like this, maybe. (Please don't let this make you think that I think I'm a better writer than you. I was advised that a good way to get better at writing is to write something everyday. Since I've hit writer's block with my story, here we go. LOL)
"I'm truly sorry," she says again, "but it's a one-time process. If I were to attempt it again, it's very likely that you would die. I cannot do such a thing."
You stare at her blankly for a few minutes, your mind trying desperately to process what she said. Rarity walks up to you and places a hoof on your shoulder. "Darling, I'm so sorry. If there's anyth—"
You swat away her hoof, cutting off her attempts at comfort. A look of determination crosses your face as you lay back down, looking up at Celestia. "Okay, it's fine. Let's do it again."
Celestia glances down at you, a deep sadness in her eyes. "I'm sorry, but I just said it might—"
"I know what you said," you say quickly. Twilight gasps quietly, shocked that you just interrupted the Princess. "It's okay. It's a risk, but I'm a soldier, risk is what I do. So, let's go," you say, closing your eyes.
No one moves for a few moments. Annoyed, you open your eyes and stare at the regal mare above you. "Come on, let's go! Make with the horn... thing!"
"No."
You leap to your feet and step up to her, eyes blazing with rage. "What do you mean, 'no'?! You said it might kill me, not will kill me. It's my risk to take, and I choose to take it. So do it!" you shout.
Celestia eyes you right back with a steely gaze. "You are in a state of shock, I understand that this is difficult," she says coolly. "But I am the steward of all life in Equestria, and right now, that means you. I cannot in good conscience allow you to—"
"Fuck your conscience!" You take a few steps back, amazed at this supposed "loving goddess'" lack of empathy. Rarity steps to your side and tries to take you hand with her hoof, but you slap it away, earning a gasp from her. "Get off me, you stupid little horse!" You turn back to Celestia. "How dare you! Do you know what you're doing?! I have a life, I have a family back home. And you're not going to send me back because if it doesn't work, you may feel bad?!"
She simply looks at you. The cold look remains on her face, but even in your enraged state, you can see the sadness well up behind her ancient eyes. "I am so sorry."
A bark of laughter escapes you as you begin to pace back and forth. "Oh, you're sorry! Well then, everything's just hunky-fucking-dory, isn't it!" Through your mask of rage, tears begin to well up in your eyes. "I'll never see my family again, but at least you're sorry!" Your pacing begins to slow, your fists shaking and your knuckles white. "My mom, my brother, my–" your voice cracks, no longer able to keep up the facade of anger– "my b... baby sister..."
The large throne room is silent, save for your quiet sobs as the reality begins to finally sink in. Finally, a loud, primal scream echoes throughout the grand room as you turn and charge towards the Princess. You pull your fist back and swing with all your might, but the punch bounces harmlessly off a translucent field of gold. Undeterred, you continue your assault. "You send me back!" you scream through the tears. "Do it now, you fucking horse bitch!"
Celestia remains still, looking at you with those calm eyes, though a single tear rolls down her cheek. You pound on the force field for a few more moments when your strength finally leaves you and you collapse to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably.
"B-but...I can't be here...I can't...oh god...I'm so sorry, mom..." Tears start streaming down your face, uncontrollable and stinging against your cheeks.
Rarity embraces you and puts a foreleg around your head. You bury your face in her shoulder, and cry a deep, hopeless cry.
"I'm so sorry, darling." She runs a hoof through your hair and gently rocks you. "I'm so sorry. I'll always be here for you. Always."
This is going to be good.....tooo good...I think Dizty might not deliver the package to the correct person....especially since she mentioned that she had some of Cashmere's Punch...which has alcohol in it.
I now want my own Rarity.
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... I've seen enough hentai to know where this is going.
744197 So basically you go:
troll.me/images/boromir/one-does-not-simply-kill-the-batman.jpg
Awesome story, just.. awesome
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2858160Darn! you beat me too it!
Pinkie Pie, "I read the last chapter, duh!"
Once again she succeeds at putting a grin on my face.
And Kudos to you sir for planning that with her!
744197
I know this is a response to an old comment, but the thought still stands; All you really did was inject cruelty and more anger to add shock value, which isn't quite the same as adding more 'weight'. It makes Rarity's final comfort feel completely misplaced after having two attempts harshly batted away and verbally assaulted, even giving his supposed shocked state. His military background would also lead me to think that he wouldn't blindly try to assault a creature that is regarded as a deity of their world. It just feels too far away from the character that we have come to know from all the previous chapters.
In any case, well done again and I'm in full agreement with everyone's comments regarding Pinkie's breaking the 4th wall.
I'm interested to see if Ditsy (Derpy for me) successfully delivers the package, given her known penchant for lovable screw-ups.
Ugh, it's 5am but I don't want to stop reading...
Might need some coffee, gotta at least finish part 2 of this chapter.
I foresee absolutely no manner in which the Secret Admirer Gag Gift™ could possibly result in unforseen problems. Especially not when the target is vindictive, ruthless, and is probably expecting some sort of retaliation.