After returning from her adventures in an alternate world of bipedal creatures with 'hands', Twilight struggles with the reality of becoming a princess. And fears that it might be a burden greater than she could bear.
Unbeknownst to her and her friends, a great evil has arrived to the peaceful lands of Equestria. An evil that threatens to wipe out all that they hold dear in this world. And the little ponies will be forced to come to grips with the discovery that they are not alone in the multiverse...
Will the bearers of the Elements of Harmony be able to face this new enemy, or will their circle of friendship be broken... forever?
(cover done by bakki from DeviantArt, click on image to view the artist's gallery or go to this link = http://bakki.deviantart.com/ if you'd like to see more of bakki's art)
Not bad. I'm interested - keep it coming. Just one quibble though - your sentences are just a bit long. Other than that, and the odd misspelled word - very good. Can't wait to see more.
That was so Awesome!!!!!! I must read more!
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Thanks, I do try to elaborate more on the situation to give a better picture, unless you mean my dialog is too long than okay, I'll see what I can do to improve.
Ugh... I hate it when words manage to get past me, oh well... maybe I need a proofreader? :P
Anyway, thanks for the positive feedback, I'll get on with the rest of the chapter ASAP!
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When I said they're a bit long, I mean that you've got what should be 2 sentences in one. You have no problem with your writing, the use of adjectives and the likes are fine, but you don't split them. Try and read it out loud, a sentence should easily be said in a single breath. Just remember that and it should help. :) Still like your story. Normally in a sentence you shouldn't have more than three commas, though there are exceptions.
An example of a slightly longer sentence: "As she landed in the middle of the little company with load thud, kicking up a shower of snow as she did, it was apparent who this newcomer was, Princess Luna, guardian of the night."
Using my breath, I was coming close to low levels of air. Here is what I would have written: "As she landed in the middle of the little company with load thud, kicking up a shower of snow as she did, it was apparent who this newcomer was. Princess Luna - guardian of the night."
Even just that single full stop makes that much difference. It also splits two topics, the action and the introduction of Luna.
I'm just really picky when it comes to grammar and punctuation. Other than a few of these little things I'm impressed - it's not too often that I find a story as interesting and as full of adjectives as yours. Marvelous use by the way, of adjectives. It was really easy to picture the setting. As I have said before, I can't wait for more!
(And please don't get offended, I mean this in all good ways. As constructively as possible! :) )
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Ah yes... thanks for clearing that up for me. Thanks for being sort of a proof reader for me, I've already fixed that Luna bit. I remember writing it in the wee hours of the morning, not exactly the best time when you're trying to form proper sentences and adequate grammar all while making sure the story flows in a coherent manner...
But yeah, thanks again, I welcome the feedback and I am not offended at all. Having such encouragement makes me think that me finishing this story won't be in total vain despite the low views...
My dear sir,
I do request that you give me more.
Thou hast us most intrigued.
I will not sleep tonight, for I must know what is going on!
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I shall do my best and burn the midnight oil to finish the next chapter... if not than the next midnight oil will have to suffice!
Creative juices, don't fail me now!
O.O
I'm scared now. I'm not even finishing the whole chapter yet since its like 2:45 in the morning and I've always been suspicious of my room...
I like it so far but I'll have to read it when I'm not to busy fending off imaginary monsters... Or the dark...
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Hush now... quiet now... just lay down your sleepy head...
FUCK! Don't kill Twilight! The fights would be boring with out all 12 of the elements.
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Shhh... everything will be okay... just relax and don't move a muscle...
Before I decide to read I'd like to know at least what it's a crossover with, I'm picky about what I do and don't like crossovered with ponies. For now I'll add to read later..
Seven.
Not downplaying Applejack's familiarity with her friends, but this is something that Spike - as the one who knows Twilight better than anyone alive - should have noticed first.
Six. This one's especially bad, as it heavily implies Spike's only friends are not his friends at all. This is contradictory to a later passage in which Twilight correctly says "our friends" rather than "my friends"...which is also contradicted in the very same passage when Twilight starts rattling on about how her bond with their friends may be affected. It's like you kept shifting back and forth between treating the characters right and pretending Twi only has five close friends.
Maybe Celestia sent Twilight on her own, but things sure as shit didn't go down that way.
Ah, a problem not pertinent to pro-pony prejudice. That's a present-tense passage within a past-tense paragraph, pal.
Anyway, Spike's introduction was great, but the lines above really started to get on my nerves. It's also a little disturbing that, so far, Twilight is obsessing over her own reservations with her new status while everyone involved fails to consider Spike's situation. A huge upheaval in Twilight's life means the same for his, since it pretty much revolves around her. Yet almost every Twilight-adjusts-to-princesshood story looks to be completely focused on the pony (I haven't actually read many, for obvious reasons).
There were a good number of redeeming moments in this chapter, though I still can't promise I'll read it through to the end. You've given me just as many reasons to upvote as you have to downvote! ARRRGGHH, I'm so confused!!
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Hi there! thanks for reading my fic! Sorry it took so long to reply, been busy with my latest chapter...
Thanks for the honest criticism, my grammar and overall writing skills aren't what they used to be... hence this is a good training (re-training?) ground for me to practice a passion of mine that has gone unattended for too long.
I'm glad you noticed Spike's position among the ponies, my objective was to convey how I felt about his character from watching the show. Aside from EQG and The Crystal Empire, he didn't lend much help in defeating major villains like Discord or Queen Chrysalis... true he is Twilight's longest friend and companion but images like the all-pony group hug in Cutie Mark Chronicles or a picture of the mane 6 with Spike's picture plastered at the end Dragon Quest makes me think the focus will always be on the ponies and Spike will unfortunately be left out occasionally. Minor issues I guess, but they are the things that seem to stand out for me.
Does this make Spike's treatment fair, no. Should I have made his character position more clear in my fic? probably. In the end, I have something to work on improving and that's why I appreciate honest comments and critisms.
I can't promise that you'll like the rest of the story and I'll understand if you won't continue. But I hope the second chapter might pique your interest a bit more if you'll give it a shot.
in any case, enjoy season 4!
so wats this a cross over of?
It all seems... too easy.
C'mon Spike you know this isn't real, you know that isn't the real Rarity, you have to break out.
An... S? WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?! Seriously who's symbol is that?
3844848 ....AAAAnnnndddd now I feel super dumb.
3844850 Please tell me your realization. Please?
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH Spike I knew you had it in you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAY TO GO SPIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!! They really need cheer emoticons for moments like this.
3845260 The big red S? It's obviously Super Mare.
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thanks guys, for reading my fic even after such a long break...
makes me all warm and fuzzy inside! 
swash bucket! Twilight Mercer why do you have to be so good at guessin?
and sonicfan21, my original outline did not include Spike's side story dream-world, he was supposed to just get a small mentioned after being rescued by the Mane 6 but now I'm glad I took the time to write his part in. After all, our dragon-boy deserves more credit and script-time!
3846106 So now you're bringing in their super-hero counterparts? SWEET! I'm sending a pm your way btw.
Superpony I hope hehehe that or its Dc to save the day