first fan fic so don't leave mean comments.
Axel life is a living crap hole so he wants to have a piece of happiness in his shitty life.
btw Axel will turn into my avatar.
Chapters (1)
BrOnY2727
Joined 20th Feb, 2012 ·
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Im a first timer so sry if you don't like it.
bronys rule and haters are cruel
oh and im open to comments on what i need to work on.
Bronys rule and haters are cruel
im also going to make more chapters in my free time.
Bronys rule haters are crule
more
Well considering it was so short, I might as well say some things.
Get yourself a pre-reader or an editor. There's quite a few spelling and grammar mistakes. In the event that titles reflect on what readers are expecting:
beggining= beginning
Also,every time (well almost every time) a new person talks, it's a new paragraph.
I'm sorry.
This critique, I hope, is helpful. Keep on writing!
What? Spacing needs fixing, grammar needs fixing. Here's an example:
"So you need a space every time a new person speaks?" Twilight asked
"Yep!" Applejack replied.
Also when you write something like "Well I have no idea what just happened..." The i needs to be capitalized. That's the same with I'm. Hope this helps!
Ugh...no offense, but I hate self-insertion stories. Over on EqD, we have a rule against it. It's there for a reason. Anyway, rant over... It's a good story for a first try nonetheless.
I'm going to be frank.
"It is time to make... DE MAGIKS!"
There are some people who just shouldn't be writing fan-fiction.
Yes, you can fix all the grammar and spelling mistakes, yes, you can polish it, but when it comes down to it, your story will still suck balls.
Now, before you rage on me, realize that I too wanted to write fan-fiction. However, I realized that I suck too much. I'm not sure what I was trying to say, but whatever.
I've got a fanfic of my own. Doctor, eat my KFC. It was originally going to be a somewhat serious shipping fic between Scootaloo and The Doctor. However, I realized that I suck a bunch and that I will never improve, so I turned it into a trollfic instead.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been in your boat, and from what I've seen, there's no way to escape the clutches of suckishness.
Why don't you try your skills at something else. Me and you, we're like the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
"Cutie mark crusader fanfiction writers yay!"
And then what happens? Big flop.
And then they go and try something else, and then they flop again, and the process repeats until they find what they're good at.
Do you catch my drift? I understand if this comes off as mean or rude or confusing, but... neh. Here's a pony emoticon. I'm not sure what to say anymore at this point.
"first fan fic so don't leave mean comments."
Hmm... "don't leave mean comments." That's like walking into the auditions for American Idol and saying, "I know I'm entering a competition with professional judges and really talented people here, but don't say anything to hurt my feelings, okay?!" or going out to play football and making a rule about how only you cannot be tackled.
"Axel life is a living crap hole so he wants to have a piece of happiness in his shitty life."
Said the third grade boy trying to write a fan fic who dearly wished his mother had named him something awesome like 'Axel'.
"btw Axel will turn into my avatar."
As if the Mare Sue essence of this story wasn't obvious enough.
Look... I am a CHAMPION for people who want to become better writers. (Unless, of course, you're going to try and be better than me. Then, I'mma drop Tom on yo ass and invite Discord to play with your computer. Inky don't like no competition.) That being said, I absolutely have to be "that guy" in the comments, because "that guy" gets the job done. Sometimes a kick in the teeth grants a hell of a lot more knowledge than a hug.
I have my own theories on you, buddy - but for relevance, I'm not going to spiel about what psychological processes compelled you to believe you could walk into an adult art gallery, lift up your Kindergarten macaroni art and say, "Lookit what I made!" Instead, I'm going to give you the best, most blunt advice I possibly can:
If you really, and I mean really give a damn about writing and being a writer, then you rip this thing off of the site right now, print it out, and put it in your closet. You ARE going to save it, because when you clean up and become better, it's going to be that fond memory you have of Dear Old Dad pressing your nose into a puddle of pee you made on Mommy's Nice Carpet when you were younger. You're going to be embarrassed, but you'll laugh good-naturedly and congratulate yourself on how far you've come, because once you put in the effort, you'll be using the toilet like such a boss that you could drown a bee in mid-flight with your stream.
(That's serious man-handling, baby.)
SECONDLY, you're going to pick up some real books. Don't you DARE think about grabbing anything by James Patterson... Okay, actually, no, do get something by Patterson, because I want you to take a good, long look at what a "hack writer" is. Be daring - grab a Stephen King or a Dean Koontz or even Suzanne Collins, for the love of Celestia. And when you get those books, don't just read them... take notes. Pay full attention to what they're doing. OBSERVE how you react to things, look at their techniques and styles, COMPARE their styles, ask other people what they thought of books you've read. Take all suggestions - and by 'all,' I mean the ones they tell you to read and the ones they tell you not to. If it's bad, find it, because you don't know good writing well enough without knowing bad writing.
Then you're going to write ORIGINAL MATERIAL that has nothing to do with ponies or making a character based off of you. You got that? Writing can be used as therapy, sure... BUT NEVER ON DISPLAY. People who throw Mary Sues or even have the gall to publish that self-flattering, self-pitying crap are narcissists. Checklist time:
- No ponies
- No Axel
- No fan fiction of any kind
- No kissing your reflection through your words
You're going to work on that religiously for months. And NO, you are NOT allowed to show anybody the "Wonderful Stories" you write. You're not allowed to do it, because I know why you'll do it - you'll go to people saying, "I need you to critique this so I get better" when all you're really looking for is somebody to kiss your amateur ass over all the 'great stuff' you put in. If you want to be a real writer, don't go seeking people with inviting lips - seek computers with inviting keyboards. Write, write, write, write, write, write, write, hate yourself a little, write, write, write, write, write, write, like yourself a little, write, write, write, write, write, write, research more while hating yourself a lot, write, write, write, write, write... then stand back and realize for the first time that you have actually gotten better.
A lot better.
And it's all because some asshole called Inky Swirl bullied you on FIMFiction.
... On the other hand, if you do not actually want to be a writer, it means one thing and one thing only:
This 'story' is public masturbation.
I don't want to see you fapping with words in an Equestrian setting. NOBODY wants to see people fapping. So if you did this just so you could imagine you were chill with the Mane Six, take this masturbation sleeve you've typed up and burn it. I'm serious, here - if you did this to become a writer, print it out and keep it. If you did this to be a total narcissist, print it out and burn it.
And now, of course, anyone reading this shall probably have one question to ask: "Why is this guy being such a prick?"
Because as far as I can see, Applejack isn't here - and if the Element of Honesty isn't around to set the record straight herself, somebody's gotta do it.
Goodnight, everybody! I'll be here all week.
240167
assets0.ordienetworks.com/images/GifGuide/clapping/hp3.gif
I agree, by the way, with your assertion. Saying "first fan fic so don't leave mean comments," is just bait for lurking editors.
240167
That may have just been... the greatest critique I have ever read.
I commend you on your greatness.
240167
I... wow. Wow. This is... good. Yeah, it's harsh and not exactly friendly, but true, well-thought.
If I ever get to write a fic, I'd await your judgement.
Then again, this won't likely happen anytime soon.
Still, not many people would go ahead and do what you did.
240256
Thank you. Also, Dumbledore gets you points. I haven't seen that .gif used yet.
240369
I commend you on your avatar.
240377
Now, just because I showed my fangs doesn't mean you can't enter the arena. If you muster up the time and energy to put into a fic, I'll be waiting. I only hate fan fiction if it falls under the description of the following:
- "JESUSBUDDHATOMCRUISEGODCHRIST I WISH I WAS A PONY SO I'M GONNA TELL EVERYBODY WHAT A PONY ME WOULD BE LIKE AND HOW I WOULD SAVE THE WORLD AND PLOW ALL THE MANE SIX WOOT!"
- "Seriously, guys, Rarity gives me such a boner I'm gonna write about her teaching Rainbow Dash BDSM and get, like, a million frigging views."
- "Yo, dude - Reese's did chocolate and peanut butter, so now, I'm gonna do Family Guy and Ponies! It'll be HUGE!"
And, of course, my favorite flavor of Hatorade:
- "Look at these napkins I just cl--ped in."
Just make sure your story is like a nice cup of strong coffee and not some boiled water with a dash of instant thrown in, if ya know what I mean.
240167
I honestly have to thank the original author for writing this story, if not for any reason other than sparking this amazing piece of critique. Hooooopy Jegus.
This sucks.
On both the grammar and story side.
thanks for all your comments ill get right to those things
240464 You are my personal hero.
240588
My night. You made it.
240789 That's twice you owe me, y'know?
One day I'll call you back on these favors, hmmmm?
240805
Personal heroes don't have to give favors!
We're ABOVE society!
240864 Aren't you up for an exception, though, hmmm?
Hint. Hint.
240878
Well, as previously stated, if a fic needs readin', I'll put on my armor and give it a shot. Or multiple shots, if it looks like a cross between a chihuahua and a diseased gorilla.
240167
Now why is it that when I do this, it's a hate crime that requires the death-by-fire penalty?
240889
How does one reply to persons and not to posts?
Well anyway, it' not because I fear you would jump on my throut on sight (... you won't do ,that, right?), but because of three reasons:
1) I'm not a native english speaker. While I'm great at understanding english, my writing likely to be... sloppy I guess.
2) I have written one fanfic so far. In german. It's not good and it took me about one and a half year. 13pages of text.
3) I do have a story in mind, but that's like the prologe to a big story. While comments might help me, I currently have no idea what might come then.
243732
Ich verstehe. Die Komplikationsrate wurde verdoppelt!
Nun, in diesem Fall könnten Sie wahrscheinlich auf Ihrer Hüften entspannen und einfach Versuch es mal, wenn Sie die Stimmung schlägt. Und niemand sagt, muss man zu einer Website einreichen, wenn Sie schreiben, will sie, schreiben sie. Wenn Sie erschrocken sind, dass sie gehen über etwa ebenso wie Perez Hilton auf einer Kundgebung der Republikaner, dann lassen Sie es.
ICH BIN SO Fresh können Sie meine Nüsse lecken!
(Das ist, was Sie für die Übersetzung einer ausländischen Kommentar nicht an dich gerichtet zu bekommen.)
Wurde die Übersetzung Aufwand wirklich wert? : P
243939
ause what is there doesn't make sense. How did you know I'm german?
What the... I don't even wanna try and translate this back to english. Bec
244399
You said so in previous post.
This Story was really good. I know you are going to say, "your only saying that because your my friend".
I do truly mean it. You do have a good story line, but there is a few things with the plot i can help you with.
spelling and grammar errors? dammit man i am a grammar Nazi, you know ill fix those.
overall its really good. Like i said, if you ever need me to help, I can go over and help you with anything. don't be afraid to ask.
Your friend- Stryker160. (He he he, you know my real name but I am not saying it.
)
Bronies- because all of us, is better than none of us.
Also all of the experienced authors, please lay off just a LITTLE? I know its his first story, and there may be a few things which you really hate, I mean, I understand there ways he could improve, and also things he could fix. But seriously, 7 DISLIKES? 2 LIKES? just a LITTLE TEENSIE WEENSIE bit mean...but that is just my opinion. But remember, im not saying you guys are not entitled to your opinions, this is just a suggestion from me. Please and thank you, (and a cherry on top? no? okay...)
your friend, Stryker160
Bronies - because all of us, is better than none of us
How to tell a good review from a bad review. First up this is a bad review: Simply saying moar like 239918 up there. This tells us nothing about the story and even worse it told the author nothing bout how the story needs to be improved or what the reader liked about the story.
A good review is something like what 240167 has up there. While it doesn't go in depth into the story, at 388 words, it really doesn't have much to go on. However it does say what the author needs to do to improve and believe me there is much room for improvement.
Quite frankly I'm reminded of a quote from one of my first reviews on fanfiction.net: "You have much potential my young author, though not too much to be devoid of room to grow"
He was trying to sound like Yoda, what can I say? I think there's always some degree of potential for writing in those who try and like any other skill, you can only get better if you try to get better. Criticism is one of your best friends in this regard.