Time spent

A love story between Pinkie Pie and Rainbow dash.

Chapters (3)

Begining · 24th May 2014 · 405 words
405
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Rainbow Dash · 24th May 2014 · 532 words
532
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Pinkie Pie · 24th May 2014 · 426 words
426
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Comments ( 4 )

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Eyvind

Eyvind #1 · May 24th, 2014 · · · Pinkie Pie ·

Alright. The biggest problem I noticed was that you are constantly switching between present tense and past tense. "Pinkie wakes up" suddenly becomes "Pinkie woke up". Pick one tense and stick with it. I prefer past tense myself.

Next, you don't have any detail at all. You only say what happens, what they say, and then that's it. Try and think about why things happen and why they say what they say.

Lastly, the dialogue. I felt you kept them in character for the most part, which is a very good thing. But then some of the things they said just sounded weird, only because no one ever talks like that.

Those are just some things I noticed. Tell me if you'd like any more help

Midnight Aurorus

Midnight Aurorus #2 · May 25th, 2014 · · · Pinkie Pie ·

4440470 He might know about what to do, but since he based it upon places they've been in the shows, i guess he probably figured that everybody should know how it looked already, but i 100% agree that he should.just in case nobodies seen an episode before

Dream Treasure

Dream Treasure #3 · May 25th, 2014 · · · Pinkie Pie ·

Thanks for the help, I started writing this around last year, and just recently got around to publishing it, i didn't really go though and edit it much. (Also, I'm a girl.)

VioletPony