Time spent

by Dream Treasure

Pinkie Pie

Pinkie Pie Wakes up at the hospital, all she remembers from last night is coming to the hospital to make sure Rainbow Dash was okay, when Rainbow Dash fainted, Pinkie felt her heart wrench. She just couldn't bare to see her friend unconscious, on the ground. When Pinkie notices that Rainbow dash is no longer in her hospital bed, she gasps and jumps just as she did, many, many years ago. She quickly regains her posture and walks out of the room in a calmly manor. w-what if Dashie is....DEAD!? no... no.. that's impossible.

At the thought of this, Pinkie speed her pace up until she reached the lobby, she quickly found a doctor and asked where Rainbow dash was. "Rainbow dash? well, she checked out of the hospital just in the early morning." The doctor said while busily pushing a cart. Pinkie squealed excitedly and hurried out the door. Her heart paced at the thought of Rainbow dash. Pinkie, being Pinkie knew exactly what this meant. She was in love. even at that, she wanted to talk to some pony.... Twilight! so pinkie marched over to twilight's house and talked to her. It seems like everyone first response now is to talk to Twilight.

Twilight opens her door to the bright pink pony. her mouth forms a smile as she says; "Pinkie Pie! Hello!"

"Hi Twi! I need to talk to you!"Pinkie exclaims happily.

"okay, come on in and we can talk." Twilight opens the door wider and steps in, Pinkie follows behind. Twilight sits down on a rocking chair while pinkie sits on the ground infront of her. "so what is it?" Twilight asks curiously.

"I like Dashie!" Pinkie Pie smiles widely.

"Don't we all?" Twilight asks, raising her eyebrow. 'She is our friend."

"Oh I know that, silly!" Pinkie Pie sticks out her tounge. "I mean I like like her."

"Alright... What do you want me to do?" Twilight asks

"What should I do? What if she doesnt like me?" Pinkie's face contorts in worry.

"I say go for it. lead her into it. Maybe... Kiss her when you see her, even." Twilight smiles to herself, looking to the side.

"Okay! Ill do find her now!" Pinkie jumps up and runs to the door. "Thanks twilight!" She runs out the door and to Rainbow Dash's house.

Comments

[Eyvind]

Alright. The biggest problem I noticed was that you are constantly switching between present tense and past tense. "Pinkie wakes up" suddenly becomes "Pinkie woke up". Pick one tense and stick with it. I prefer past tense myself.

Next, you don't have any detail at all. You only say what happens, what they say, and then that's it. Try and think about why things happen and why they say what they say.

Lastly, the dialogue. I felt you kept them in character for the most part, which is a very good thing. But then some of the things they said just sounded weird, only because no one ever talks like that.

Those are just some things I noticed. Tell me if you'd like any more help

[Midnight Aurorus]

4440470 He might know about what to do, but since he based it upon places they've been in the shows, i guess he probably figured that everybody should know how it looked already, but i 100% agree that he should.just in case nobodies seen an episode before

[Dream Treasure]

Thanks for the help, I started writing this around last year, and just recently got around to publishing it, i didn't really go though and edit it much. (Also, I'm a girl.)

[VioletPony]

Pleeeeease update this! I wanna read mooore!