Luna - Night Princess
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This is good. I like it.
I thought it was rather confusing, but otherwise a lovely story. Please continue.
You've no idea how eerily this parallels with something in one of my stories.
That one was good, I chuckled at that.
Okay, I started reading this, by overlooking the fact that you pretty much present Celestia as the worst pony in the show. I get it, you dislike her, okay. BUT! Did you do that on purpose and will use it as an 'good' element in the story? Or your 'hatred' towards her was that big?
Either way, it didn't really fit too well. Not in this form of the story. Where are the reasons for her behavior? She just does that for the sake of satisfaction of the author? The satisfaction comes from the clop scene, but it's your thing again...
So now, let me talk about these reasons...
You see, this fic. just jumped right into the middle of an unknown universe. Writers don't just explain why Fluttershy is shy and the rest, because they want to bore us or fill in the empty spaces. NOPE! They write these down, because every writer has his/her own universe.
Your universe seems to have an evil Celestia. Tell us why, elaborate about this topic. There is missing information, which cannot be found out via leaving it to the readers' imagination. This is something you should explain, along with why were the sisters bringing humans to Equestria.
So overall, try to fill us in with info. We came here to know what the fuss is all about, but you only showed us what happened.
And yes, this was one of the part of the saying: Show aAND tell equally! (Okay, it's my saying, but let me explain what I mean...)
This is from a first-person perspective. And while I spotted you some small attempts at making the character thinking, you still forgot to do it. We're in the main character's mind, yet we can't see his way of thinking. You only wrote: ''I did that and that and that is bucking it.'' While you should have written down the happenings like this: ''I did this, because I found it to be the perfect thing to do, then proceeded with this, because asdfghjklbrtex...''
The character is a living being, not a robot, who just does things without reason. Alex HAD reasons and we wanted to see those. You could have easily made him do some philosophy, whilst doing a certain activity. Like that ending, when he was already planning about the future. That is a good example and next time you do a first-person, try placing these wonderings and pondering-s all the way through the story. Remember, it makes the character interesting, because if we see him/her thinking, then we can more easily relate to him/her...
And back to explaining... you could have easily used Alex to tell how this whole universe worked. Make him have an opinion about it, not mindlessly accepting it.
I'm not gonna get into Luna's and Celestia's way of speech, nor Alex's short sentences. Because I just personally like it when the character at least says to two thing in a sentence, making it long. And I'm still learning to get used to that 'Royal' way of speaking. You know, the polite, regal way, using a lot of big words.
But I can do tell you, that try at least looking up a 'harder' word when making somepony like a politician speaks up. It would be more believe able.
So, a little believe able characterization and the interaction between the characters could have been perfect. It's not a problem, really. Even I, who is telling you this, cannot make this perfect...
For a one-shot (In my opinion.) it was enough descriptive, but it's just me, who likes to describe everything. Where they were, how they stood, how they looked, how they felt, how they reacted and so on...
So, the description (Aside from the lack of information...) was enough from my part.
I'm not gonna get into grammar either, because quiet frankly, I'm still learning english and as expected, I would have written down the whole story differently. I cannot tell if you made any mistakes, but if you feel like you did, then don't worry, you'll get better or find an editor...
I knew what was happening, so it had enjoyable grammar, don't worry.
The pacing was a bit off. Everything happened so quickly and I know this is a one-shot, but going down to sexy time is not that fast, no matter how long they have known each other...
This is because of the lack of information, reasoning, characterization, so if you work on these, then the pacing will change to the better by its own. And what do you know, you'll be writing 10K long fics like nothing...
______________________________________________________________________
And now here's what I liked in this:
It was original in a way. I mean, they take humans to Equestria? That is interesting and aside from not knowing why they do this, I liked that idea.
I have a soft spot for OC pony/human X Princesses, so it was good to see one. And how specially he came to Equestria.
I also liked that flashback idea, along with how he described her. Tell me, why didn't you describe other things in that beautiful way, like he did with Luna? It was really nice and would have made the story look nicer in overall, no matter what you say about your grammar. And it wasn't just a: ''Your eyes are so blue, like the ocean. Your mane is beautiful like magic and tatadattada... it was an amazing description about Luna.
Finally:
This could have been more, but what do I want if you haven't written a story before or did, but you're still 'learning'. You will get better and I see you know what you're doing. You just have to get used to this and people will notice you. Especially if you write clop... damn perverts are drooling for clop and this is the kind of fiction, that gets the most views, so expect many people really soon.
Keep those 'flaws' in mind, no matter how they weren't major problems actually. Those mistakes are just something to look out for next time, to reach absolution.
DoN't worry, you're good, just practice, get used to this, be sure in yourself and write for yourself firstly and other will come AFTER that. make sure that YOU like your story, or others won't like it in the end...
Have a wonderful day!
~Adam Klapper (Dhuradhan)
The Balance
2848633 Well, thank you for everything you said, but now I have to go over your long list and explain certain things. I'm going to set the timer for five millenia. ((Most of my responses will be "if I lengthen this, here's the explination.))
Celestia's down right evil isn't actually evil; she just wants what's best for her country. Luna's genes mixed with Andrews would make the perfect Alicorns.
The sisters are not bringing humans into Equestria. No, little girls are wishing upon a star to go to a magical place and it seems Discord, who's on the star, is going to grant that wish to torment Equestria.
Or is he???!!! JK. This...well, I have multiple angles on this and I really couldn't pick one, so I ended up with just making him water: accepting.
I haven't seen enough of them speaking to really know how to do it. I've barely seen season one and a few of two and three.
But Andrew is blunt at certain times, other times he's quite long-winded.
Well, I MIGHT go and do a second chapter so I can make this more beautiful....MIGHT.
That's actually a little scary...
This is actually one of the angles I wanted to explore. For the most part, he's detatched and doesn't care too much for the world around him, but when he sets his sights on something he wants, all he can do is notice that one thing and the beauty in it.
They aren't ALL perverts, just lonely thirty year-old men with no lives and only a right hand/fleshlight for company.
2849523 I see your point about
Alex(Why did I write Alex?!) Andrew, but this is something, that you should explain. Like an introduction paragraph, where HE tells us that he is like that and that and that.Also, about your explanations in here, IN THE COMMENTS, about Celestia's intentions, how the humans get into Equestria... this should NOT be in the comments, but in the story!
Don't be scared about the word count. Right now, I'm having 20K word long CHAPTERS and I'm still skipping places. That is because I enjoy my own story to write and roleplay the character. If you don't like the character, then it's not a good sign. It's your character, we're talking about! Roleplay a bit and if you want, rip out a small amount of personality from inside you. Like I do it with my anger and way of thinking for one of my character. My other character has my friendly part AND the pessimistic part of me. I increase and focus on these parts of mine and tadaa! ... a character that I can relate to and actually like to write...
And finally, about Andrew and NOT Alex! (I still can't believe I wrote Alex...)
While it's okay to have make him so accepting, however, it's not a bonus from the readers. So be careful with that accepting attitude of his.
Also, what you just said: ''He only concentrates on the beauty in front of him...''
Well make him just talk about it. If not describing, then make him tell how much he adores that beauty. Or at least mention something like this: ''I don't really care about details. What is in front of me, I'm fine with it... and the beauty, that is in front of me, is the only thing I care about, not the unnecessary things...'' Or something alike. Because in that way, it won't go down to the reader, that: ''Harr, this author is just another self-insert writer, who is enjoying his/her fantasies. Let's dislike it yaryaryaryar!''
You explained it here, now do it in the fic or in the story description.
I'm glad I could help. I noticed you have another story. I'll read that one later, but won't do a review, because what i told you here, could be used for any kind of story you make. Remember: Characterization, Description, Explanation, (If First person, the some little Philosophy) and you are just fine, no matter what kind of story you write. There is no such a thing like a bad story, just bad story teller. Keep these elements in mind and you're fine and this is a rhyme, so I should calm down...
Sounds simple, isn't it? Well guess what, me, who is aware about these things and who is telling this to you, can't write a story, without not giving 100% into one of these elements. Something will be left out, that is why you have to re-read your work before posting.
I hope you'll be able to work with these advices. I, nor anyone else, will be at your side all the time. The listed elements are present in every story, it is only up to you, to keep them up perfectly for the story...
Have a fantastic night!
~Adam
Ps.: Most of the time, a clop fic will be placed in the feature box. Why? Because sex is a drug and it attracts people. (This also goes to Romance stories, too...) And while the sex is the most popular, the other kind of stories will be left without attention. Sadly, that is how it works, but no one can't complain...
2849692 I'm writing a second chapter. It goes from Luna's point of view and this is all a dream. Such a twist, isn't it? Dream from his POV, but reality from Luna. Hm...
How did you get Alex? Please just tell me that.
2853750 Ahh, I got spoiled, why did I read that comment?! Nevertheless, it's a good twist.
And I got that Alex from mishearing a noise from a song I was listening to, while writing my comment...
2853797 I listen to music when I write. Nelly, Chris Brown (slap that bitch), MLP songs...
But I never write what I hear. Well, except when I'm told to. By the voices in my head. STOP TALKING! I WON'T NOOOO! ((I'm kidding about the voices. I'm just a little bored right now.))
2853809 That's alright.
2853750 but the story says complete....
2854620 YOU NO LOOKY AT SPOILERS!
This was pretty amazing, how dose this not have more views?
And I will love you for all time if you could manage a sequel.
2859706 Don't say it out loud! It's a secret sequel!
It has no views because nopony understands the story line. Plus nopony loves me...Luna is the worst pony...
2865287 I think everypony should love Luna. I sure as hell do. If this story was about any of the main six or any of the other characters I wouldn't have clicked on it. I just think Luna is a badass. Definitely my favorite character. When I look up stories my tags are romance, Luna, and oc. I wish there was a Luna emote I could use right now but nnnnooo.
MOAR!?
2887999 Possibly. I'm not good at multiple chapters.
2890131
May I type up another chapter, then?
2890819 Midnight Dark said he will. But you can talk to him and ask to split the load.
Why is there a sex tag if there's no sex?
2911534 The mod made me put it in as mature. I thought it should have been teen. You can ask one of them to review my story and see if it should be changed.
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