(Thank you sparklefire for the image and NeoExlucky for the idea!)
Time. It is a really fascinating subject. But what do you really know of time? Can you say that you truly know how it works? You can’t see it, nor can you feel it, but still you know it. You will always lack it and there’s no way to regain the time that you have lost. You can try to outrun it for a lifetime, but it will still catch you one day. Time heals, time haunts, time takes, and time gives. It’s like time is split into two sides:
A good side who wants you to be happy and make you see all the wondrous things it can show you, children, love, happiness and friendship beyond imagination. Turn your life into a huge, loud and happy Pinkie Pie party. Because who doesn’t like a Pinkie Pie party?!
And a bad side that only wants to see you suffer, die, and make you feel like a dusty feather in a swirl of darkness and fire, snatch everything that is important to you and devour it with dark, sharp teeth that rips it all apart it in front of your wet eyes and loud cries.
What if you are right?
What if time is split into two, not only forces, but two certain ponies who controls the time? I can offer you the truth. But beware! What I will offer you is the pure truth, not more nor less. You may not relish it, no, it might even alarm you. But still you will know how your tiny, limited world is controlled by somepony who’s one of you to one hundred twenty four and a half percent, and still way above your normal lives.
My name is Time Spinner, and this is my story.
Interesting. It's a nice concept. I haven't read yet, but you've managed to reel me in... Mostly.
The main focus I have is those Tags...
Adventure, Dark, Sad, and Romance.
That's a list that could use thinning. Remember, a Dark story might contain Sadness... But that doesn't mean it's a Sad story. I'm as sure as hell that Cupcakes contained crying... but it's not a 'sad' story.
Also, Romance, as a Pseudo Romantic myself, I find that tag used very lightly in stories... Yeah it might contain some ponies who love each other... but that's not true romance. Romance is the connection that two ponies share in life and soul, a Romantic story is something that focuses on that connection, it explores it, explains it, expands it, and exploits it. There is a difference between a Romantic story, and a story with romantic elements...
But anyway...
Let's read!
3030744 Thank you, sir! Though I'm quite confident that this story deserves a sad-tag, I do agree that 'romance' is a rough word to explain this, but the love factor in this story is way too important to leave unattended. :/
I hope you'll leave another comment when you've given it a read through! It helps me more than you realize! ^^
I'm glad you're interested :D
Remember this as you read:
The greatest author is not determined by how they handle their pen, instead they are determined by how they handle criticism.
3032868 Rightfully so! I have read the story. This comment, is my attempt at criticizing the story behind the words. So to speak.
This is your first story right? If it is then...
I wouldn't recommend focusing around Sadness, Romance, Darkness or Tragedy, as these areas require palpable amounts of emotion and emotive language in order to achieve the right response from the readers. When an emotive story isn't written right, it ends up falling, and it does so tremendously. I believe there are three types of obvious levels of 'Emotive stories', I'm judging your story on it's sadness levels, as they are most prominent now.
The first level, the highest level, are the stories that give a tremendous emotional impact, they say all the right things to get the reader weeping for the characters in the story.
The second level, the center level, are the stories that could have been done better. The sadness is rational within the story, the characters have a reason to be sad and have a constant sadness, but, it could be so much better. (It missed it by that much...)
The third level, the bottom floor, are the stories that have emotional value... but the characters' portrayal of this sadness, is either to heavy (illogical), not heavy enough (irrational), or fluctuating between the two (Sporadic).
Unfortunately though, your story lies within the third level, and I will explain this.
I will analyze the sadness in the story up until the line:
...and I'll show you the confusion:
Cue zero punctuation.
In the beginning of this story we find the protagonist in a hidden (that's what obscured means...) room. We find the character weeping over the loss of his mother, due to Discord... A couple months earlier... Wot?... (I'll get to that later) He is humming a song that his mother sung to him to put him asleep, but the last time he heard that was also the last he saw of his parents... As explained through flashes of memories... Also wot?... (Another later) Despite his apparent trauma about this event, and how young he apparently was, he can still recite every last part of it, he tells us – in a juvenile way mind you, as to be expected – that the town was preparing for an attack from Discord. The process included a retreat to this obscured bunker of sorts, that Discord had no problem finding them in. It is at this point when the colt losses the finer details of his memory... He cried to the moon, and was immediately answered by the wind (Wot wot?), to which he paid no mind. It's at this point where the protagonist reaches up to the present. He claims he was brought to an orphanage, where he is now, but has no intent to interact with any of the other ponies. Due to the fact that 'he just wants to be alone'... This... is where the confusion sets in for real.
The bare fact that he can remember the scene of his parents supposed death shows that he was of an age that memories, and neuron pathways can be revisited with clarity, which sets in at about 8 years old (according to human brain function, the highest order of brain function there is), so judging by that fact, it's predicted that this colt is around 8 or so years old. So if the attack was only 'a couple months ago'... why was his mother singing him a lullaby?
Of course then there's the fact that she could just be doing so because it calms herself... but then again... It was only a couple months after the battle between Chaos and Harmony, surly there wouldn't be a building left standing after that, also the amount of cleaning up chaos the Royal Sisters would have to do afterwards. So it simply can't be a couple months after this climactic battle. Especially if the wealth of Equestria is already restored... That would take years, decades even...
Now, a reason that I have thought of is that, it is in fact, a couple... hundred... years after discord. It's just that little mister protagonist went through a 'time warp' to a safer place... but this doesn't explain the fact that he is accounted for in his journey from Discord's battle to the orphanage. And I quote (with annotations):
So far, in the pursuit of giving details, this story has dived from the lighthouse of clarity to the ocean of obscurity, and did so... very... fast.
Please remember that, I, as a reader, do not know the things you do, and it's frustrating to a reader when this confusion sets in and the author does naught but hide the whole truth behind grinning lips and gives unfinished truths as a response. The trick to writing a twist in a story, is a lot like working magic, it's hard to do if you haven't practiced your sleight-of-hand, and it's very easy to mess up. Especially if you accidentally tell your audience what you intend to do. The trick to a twist is deception, and a right lot of it.
Maybe instead of giving a very descriptive flashback of a memory, try just all flashes. Then you can deceptively hide a very crucial plot point in the words, for example:
After Discord strikes and kills his parents, he jumps though time to a period when everything is lovely, a pony finds him on the sidewalk, takes pity on him and brings him to an orphanage. Story continues.
This way, instead on focusing on the Sadness of remembering this event, you can focus on the Tragedy of finding out what happened, which is a much, much better plot twist and focus.
Now, on to the character of Time...
To be brutally honest, and in my opinion, this sadness makes him unlikeable to an extent... but only because the reader has a hard time connecting with him. To be honest, the swings between crying to 'joking around' seem to be nothing short of Bi-polar. I know you will find connections between yourself and your brainchild, but don't coddle him. You can't make him seem like he's coping if he isn't, is what I'm saying.
Now, my writing at this point confuses even me, which is a sign that I am very tired. As of now I need to go to sleep, so whether you take my criticism on board or not is completely up to you. If you want more help simply ask and I'll help, if not, then...
Goodbye and Good luck,
~Quillo Manar.
(PS: From one 'Quill' to another... I really like your name
.)
Oh yes, and some small fixes before I go to bed:
I'm not sure that 'obscure' is the word you're looking for. Obscured means hidden, looked over, or to muddle details. To be honest, I'd try 'underlit'.
Another is how you write dialogue. Unless they are using freaky mind powers...
A lesson in formatting:
'Italics and single quotation marks determine a thought,' The teacher mused, before speaking, "But double quotations and no special formatting determines articulated speech."
"What does 'arctic-you-late' mean?" The student queried, "You haven't taught us that yet."
Ignoring the student, the teacher continued, "However, there are some cases when italics can be used in speech to emphasize some words," he then added in thought, 'and if emphasis is required in thought, the opposite is used.'
"Teacher!" The student yelled, "I asked a question."
"Very nicely done, student, a prime example of the use of bold to show shouting," the Teacher then smirked, "And since you know about shouting so well, I'd like you to write an essay explaining it."
3033356 Ow... :| You brought the steamroller.
I'll be a nice student and won't point out the flaws in that text.
Also; it was a hard time for my poor Swedish brain to understand all that. (That might explain a bit)
Even though your critique burns and is highly accurate you missed one important detail: He was moved to a different town.
This is a thing that is causing you much confusion. He wasn't time travelling at all.
)
(proud of how I used my newly learned skill teacher?
The rest... is sadly true :c
(PS: I like yours too.)
(PPS: I wouldn't hate you if you pointed out things you liked with it ._.)
3034361 A flat story is easier to write on :3
Also, I'm not sure if moving to another town would help... Discord's reach was very far, and very wide, no town would be safe.
3034361 And with it I brought my Scissors of critique...
Don't get me wrong, it's an OK story. My favourite part about it is it's concept... it's execution? Not so much.
Oh yes, and...
3035402 <- Ditto on the Discord's reach thing.
Another thing is that... maybe instead of creating a new character to time travel... Why not focus on one we already know? Like... I dunno... a certain Doctor?
Also, how old are you? Just curious.
3035402 GAH! He found us! D:
Also no, it wouldn't be safe to move to another town. Which will be shown in the next chapter. The princesses had managed to get a hold of a certain town and discord allowed it... for a while.
3035418 It's actually not my story, I'm writing this for a friend so a character change is a nono.
I'm 17.
Apart from that; flat stories are just too... flat.
And I appreciate everything that helps me improve if that wasn't clear before. ^^