i am an aussie living in the US, i am 17 and my grammatical skills are way below average
He awoke in a cold dark place, his body felt foreign and his mind in a haze. He must discover who he is and what he was to survive a new place called "ponyville". A place full of talking, flying and glowing horses.
the teen rating is for later chapters
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Yes, I can tell how new you are by the quality of the story. Luckily, this site has a useful guide that outlines everything you need to know about writing well. If you read it carefully and take the lessons to heart, you should be able to make this story readable.
2776736 how is it unreadable?
2776921 "Unreadable" is admittedly a bit of an exaggeration. I have a tendency to be overly expressive like that when I'm critiquing online.
2778414 ahhh, im guessing the talking parts need work? With the spacing and what not
2779630 That is the biggest problem, though not the only one. You need to work on your capitalization. Start every sentence and every name with a capital letter.
In addition, only one character can speak in a single paragraph. If someone else needs to speak, start a new one. This allows readers to keep track of who is talking.
Click the link I gave you. Read the article. It'll help.