Twilight asks Rainbow Dash to be a role model to Scootaloo.
This is a bad idea.
A very bad idea.
Will Rainbow Dash be able to handle a filly? Can she keep herself from knocking Scootaloo off a cliff? Will Rainbow Dash ever understand this mysterious thing called "responsibility?" And what does quicksand have to do with any of this?
ALL THESE QUESTIONS (and more) WILL BE ANSWERED!
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The story is actually good and I got quite a few laughs.
I enjoyed it. I am actually a fan of the whole Scoot + Rainbow thing so can't get enough of that trope.
As for the mechanics, and I can't believe I'm the one saying this considering the low level of my knowledge, the grammar and spelling is terrible.
I get the feeling this wasn't written on a word processor and is a rough draft.
Which is a shame because the use of language is very interesting. I liked the style quite a bit.
2710638 I think the problem is me. I'm the only one I have to edit and I've never been very good at it. Also, I hate sounding stupid, but is a word processor different from a Spell Check?
2710719 A spell check is a feature included in most word processors that highlights misspelled words.
I'm liking how this story ended up. I am looking forward to reading more stories by you in the future. Keep up the great writing!
Then yeah, I looked through it on Microsoft Word, but it keeps telling me I've got an error when I want It that way (keeps telling me I've got a fragment when that's just my style). Again, I think it's me. I'm not good enough to spot when I should pay attention to it. Also, I'm pron to comma splices which I'm incapable of spotting and the spell check will not point out.
Grabsand... Such a simply idea yet this is the first time I've seen anything like it.
Have a
. Because you are a smart pony.
Okay, I went through the story and corrected as many mistakes as I could find (really stupid stuff like writing "were" instead of "where." My bad.) Let me know if I missed anything.
There are 3 things that never sit well with me in the Scootaloo/Rainbow dynamic
1) Scootaloo being an Orphan and that being "a thing" - Personally I think that Scootaloo's parents are traveling to places they can't bring Scoots (Daring Doo etc) or that they have the best of intentions for her, choosing to run a "hooves off" approach to raising her, or being TOO overly controlling to the point that she has rebelled and chooses to live as an orphan.
If I was to run with the idea that she's a legitimate orphan, then, I would in turn see that not really being a thing, at least not in the type of community centric town like ponyville, and DEFINITELY not with Pinkie there. Pinkie wouldn't just be letting a kid root through garbage, she makes people SMILE. She would have made sure there was something in place to keep Scoots safe, secure AND happy.
2) Scoots just needs a few lessons OR Scootaloo's a cripple - As much as I hate the idea of Scootaloo being outright handicapped, the combination of her obsession over being like RD, her intense wing-powered scooter speed, and the existence of Pound Cake and Snowflake ("YEAH!") just make it impossible for me to accept that all she needs is a few short lessons.
My middle ground to that issue is that she has a magic expression issue and is effectively using earth magic instead of pegasi magic, hence why she's so athletic and balanced, and can move so fast while she's close to the ground, but can't get lift. Basically it would be able to be worked on with some therapy, but it would need to be correctly identified. It would also mean that she theoretically could have some advantages attached to her 'problem", provided she capitalized on them.
3) Rainbow Dash actually being a good role model - This part you nailed pretty well. Rainbow Dash has all the best intentions, but responsibility and thinking about other people isn't really her strong suit. To be frank, thinking in general really isn't her strong suit. She's not dumb, she just tends to autopilot her brain until AFTER she's already made a mess of things. She's also a lot like water; she'll take the easiest path, and if you put up a high enough wall, she'll avoid the issue completely until all other routes are gone.
All in all it does make for very much the situation you've shown here.
So basically you've managed to hit 1 of 3 for what i want out of a story like this, otherwise it was fairly straight forward. The premise was fairly obvious right from the beginning, so watching RD stumble around with the clues and still not able to get the answer was a bit frustrating (though it's not unwarranted considering it's a complete paradigm shift for RD, and she can probably barely even read the word "paradigm")
At first I felt like that grab sand stuff was incredibly contrived, but it does feel like something you might find in the Everfree, I just feel like it needs some sort of play on words twist to really justify it. Maybe something like Quickshand or maybe make it more pebbles than sand and call in Grabvel (nevermind, that sounds more like a pokemon)
Summary: Solid Story, but hampered by a weak hook. I applaud your reasons for writing it though. When people recognize just how flawed RD is, they always do a much better job at writing her.
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