Cliffhanger. D'oh! Still, very nice chapter.

Cadance: A true bitch case.

"Genetalia" and "amature" should be "genitalia" and "amateur". You use "it's" when you should use "its"; "it's" is short for "it is"; "its" is the possessive form of "it" like how "his" is the possessive form of "him".

Yup, for once, someone has the balls to portray Cadance as an utter bitch. Shame that this poor fellow got caught in the crossfire, however... something tells me he's most likely going to cave in some manner in the near future. And I don't think Cadance is coming back either, even if Celestia and Luna find out, which I guess they will, at some point.

EDIT - My reasoning for Cadance NOT coming back is that it rather explicitly showed us that this was not a body swap. Each of em got new physical bodies, which means she's not just trying to 'ride out' the heat cycle and pregnancy. She's done checked out.

Part of me wants to see a happy ending, involving lots of sex and impregnation because that's my fetish.

The more malicious part of me however is curious if our protagonist will come to hate Shining Armor just as much. Or something else equally...tragic.

As a reader for the story and not for the clop, this is getting good.

Continue.

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Thanks for the finds, not sure how those [it's] errors slipped past the proofreading. Anyway, I fixed them, cheers.

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Or it could be written off as trauma from the same. Of course you could always submit to a changeling detection spell. You aren't one.

As for this chapter, with as nasty as Cadance is being shown to be, I would be worried about the pancakes. You never know if Shining has been pushed far enough to poison them. I mean he has been making special pancakes for Celestia knows how long and they aren't being cleared by the chef.

My mind silently adds ‘much, much later, as in never’.

But of course we can't let that happen now can we?

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Sheesh, guy takes the time to make breakfast for his wife everyday and your only thought is "he's probably poisoning them". Some Cadance you would be.

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Oh... no... we can't let that happen...

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My fault for watching too many Outer Limits episodes. There was one where that exact scenario came up -- person trades their life for someone else's life which is better in just about every way except the hot wife is poisoning the poor guy.

I'm really hoping for a twist where Cadance isn't as much of a bitch as this shows her to be. Anyways, should be fun getting to the scene of him getting rutted by Shining.

I would totally jump at the chance to be Cadance with this scenario but seeing as our protagonist doesn't currently want to he has got to explain to Shining before enough time passes that either a; the explanation is blown off as another excuse not to have sex and rape happens or b; the telegraphed conclusion, that they are going all the way and it will more than likely be the protagonist initiating it and Shining is never the wiser about Cadance leaving him.

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Poison pancakes? no way that can be right! them are magic pancakes to help make bedroom activity a bit more fun!
Shining noticed that Cadence was getting hard to get and ask the solar princess if it was o.k. to do so.....

luckily the trapped one decided not to eat lunch this time around and was able to fight off the effects.

other than that, please go on! this story interest me.

I will give this a read. I'm starting to notice that you really like rule 63. I'm not fan or a hater of it. It just when ever I read these kind stories I tend to get mind fucked. Then again, isn't that the best part about Four Score. And hell, if it involves two of my favorite characters, I'm going to enjoy the hell out of it.

I will return... with feed back

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I agree pretty much 100%, Cadance really is the best possible pony to switch places with. I mean, she's a Princess so she's set for life, she doesn't have any crucial roles, and she's an alicorn so she's probably got a huge lifespan.
And yes, the biggest issue would be the "No take-backsies". See I could totally deal with being turned into a girl (Being intimate with Shining, getting pregnant, etc) I could deal with all that, but then going to being a guy afterwards? Oh no, hell no. Once I start my life as a mare there is no going back. That would just screw with my brain way too much.

Waiting is soooooo haaaaaaard! :whines: D:

And so is Shining, probably. He's going to be so pent up when he finally taps that, and I'm all kinds of okay with that. :3

Now this is a good story.

I like the premise, but I feel like the protagonist is a complete moron.

This has me intrigued, go on.

You had my curiosity.
Now you have my attention.

‘With a wife as beautiful as mine, I feel I should be the one to cook for her each and every morning.’”

I got to hand it to Shining, that's how you treat a lady. For that, I give him an applause.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mcz617rSy01r38j04o1_500.gif

I would fall asleep now and try to remain asleep for as long as possible. This served two purposes, first off Shining will probably leave me alone if I sees I'm sleeping. And perhaps more importantly, if I sleep now it means I won't be tired in the evening. This way I can stay up late and Shining will get tired and fall asleep before I go to bed, thus allowing me to avoid bedroom activities with my 'husband'.

Yeah...I see a tiny flaw in that plan in the sense of it going like this:

and I was correct (more or less).

I was just a regular guy. I had a smokin hot girlfriend, a nice apartment, a good life.

Lel. Do I smell a Gary Stu?

BUT THIS FIC.

TAKE IT UP THE VAGINA LIKE A MAN, SON.

2733979why doesn't she... Er he? Contact celestia for help? I mean were would she find this crazy magic?

This is really good, looking forward to more.

Max drama would be him giving in and deciding to go with it only for Shiny to open the diary out of concern that Cadance is faking it (when in fact she was faking the whole time and he doesn't recognize sincerity.)

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It's true. Getting pounded as a pretty pink pony princess takes the guts of a REAL man!

I found this mistake:
-This served two purposes, first off Shining will probably leave me alone if I sees I'm sleeping.
Here's the solution:
>This served two purposes, first off Shining will probably leave me alone if he sees I'm sleeping.
I'm pretty sure he wasn't be expecting himself to show up here.

Well at least he found evidence that Cadance is pretty much a jerk and did this on purpose, but how is he supposed to trick her into grabbing the ball again and switch back? The first thing I guess he should do is look up books in trying to figure out on how she did it in the first place.

Liking more so now, can't wait for part 3 of this.

Uuuh. I dunno. I mean, the story is kinda nice, except the real Cadence is terribly out of character. No rating from me, I suppose.

I eat without saying much, Shining talks about what he has planned for the day.

Wait, he/she figured out how to eat with hooves or magic, and not in a terribly awkward manner? Yet walking proved to be a slight challenge? Just realized this as well when you introduced to chef, is the kitchen Shining made breakfast in near their bedroom, kinda like a hotel has a small kitchen in it, or did "Cadance" stumble her way to the castle kitchen?

I run (gallop?) down the hall to get back to my bedroom and find that diary.

Starting to get possessive I see. That can't be a good sign.

I raise my eyebrows, well, either this girl needed some space, or she was just a bitch.

The show lied! Or Chrissy really wasn't faking it.

Hmm, I'm still not entirely sure if I should be referring to myself as Cadance

No problem calling the bedroom yours earlier.

feeling of fur on fur is just amazing. I smile to myself as I drift off into an afternoon sleep.

atravelbroad.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/admiral_ackbar_says_its_a_trap.jpg
Though, from reading your other story, I get the feeling there is going to be some sort of twist (oh haha, I made a funny... that sucked).

I have my tongue deep inside my stallion's mouth.

Now calling possession over Shining as well, that's strike two I think.

I’m already Cadance on the outside, do I really want to try and become her on the inside too?

Become a conniving bitch as well? I get the feeling he would become the Cadance that the noble society need, not the one they deserve. Because she is not their princess. She is a loving authority, an observant mother. A pink knight.
(OK, I laughed at that, I don't care if you didn't, that shits funny.)

pleasure as Shining continues to passionately gives me oral sex.

Should probably drop that S on the end of "gives".

I liked this, though it seems pretty similar to Dash's story, least the characters name is not given as "Anon", that honestly annoys me. Moving on, I can see similar character traits between the two, I see this person basically as Rainbow Dash sans the clopping history and general love of horse genitalia.
Side note: I would be a mare for Shining if his real wife was such a damn bitch.

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Become a conniving bitch as well? I get the feeling he would become the Cadance that the noble society need, not the one they deserve. Because she is not their princess. She is a loving authority, an observant mother. A pink knight.

(OK, I laughed at that, I don't care if you didn't, that shits funny.)

don't worry, i found it funny

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Dash Attack, we're still waiting for your return!

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I agree, Cadance is out of character, it's sort of intentional. I understand it's not really "canon" but it makes this story flow better to have her be like that. I wanted to write about what would happen if a married mare come and forcing a human to take her place and live her life. Naturally, this only works the if the mare in question is a bit mean. Why would a happy, loving Cadance steal a human's body? It just doesn't work, so I set aside the canon Cadance and wrote my own personality for her. Oh, it also works to make the reader sympathize with both Shining and the protagonist. Perfect example is Fourpony's comment "I wouldn't mind being a mare for Shining if Cadance really was such a bitch".
So anyway, I figured I could sacrifice a few canon aspects for the sake of making a more compelling storyline.
Naturally, not everyone will be fond of me changing canon personalities though, and that's fine. Thanks for the comment!

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He sort of has to be for the story to make sense. It's the same reason I made Cadance unreasonably bitchy, (see above reply to Sabban)

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Thanks for finding those mistake! I fixed them.

Was that crystal thing that Cadance used to switch places with him inspired by the blue frozen flame crystal from Crono Cross?

Aww, sadly it was not. It's just a random MacGuffin I came up with to initiate the TF sequence.

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Well I am happy someone enjoyed it. My nerd shows at odd times.

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not sure if i missed it or not mentioned... where is this in the story line?
also, please update, it's quite a new idea and looks to be very good

This is just another shameless clopfic. Haven't seen that before. It's not even written very well. No offense, author, but this isn't very good. At all.

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Wow, this is a very meaty comment. Let's get started.

Wait, he/she figured out how to eat with hooves or magic, and not in a terribly awkward manner?

I'm trying to cut corners where I can. I already described the whole "human learns to eat with hooves" thing in Five Score, so I just sort of skim over it here. I just assumed Cadance sort of scarfed them down without using silverware, same goes for her salad. I will touch upon her trying to use magic in the next chapter, but I generally won't be going that much in detail since I'm trying to keep the fic focused around the relationship with Shining.

Starting to get possessive [about Cadance's belongings] I see. That can't be a good sign.

Indeed. There were even a line where she referred to Shining as her husband, and she didn't use air quotes around it

Seems pretty similar to [Five Score] ... I can see similar character traits between the two, I see this person basically as Rainbow Dash sans the clopping history.

I tried to write both of them as just your sort of regular, everyday human that the reader can relate to. The protag in this fic has a few traits "Dash" doesn't, but yeah, they are pretty similar.

Side note: I would be a mare for Shining if his real wife was such a damn bitch.

Get in line

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Hmm? Which line are you referring to?

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BaroqueNexus, well, sorry you feel that way. I can't please everyone.
As a side note, I'm a fan of one of your songs, "Answer the Call".

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by story line i mean, is this part of season 2, 3, after?
is it pre Canterlot wedding?

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Oh, this is all takes place in the not to distant future, sort of after the show ends and things have quieted down in Equestria. I think in the first chapter I mentioned something like "I used to watch the show, but I lost interest during Season 4, and now two years have passed.."

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cool cool
i love both your stories anyway!

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I just would think that scarfing down the pancakes would have earned some comment from Shining, maybe a view into how Original Cadance treated him. That would give a look into how the relationship was and give the reader something more to compare with.

I noticed what seems to be "slips" in who owns what, it is nice to see these are intentional and leads to some interesting thoughts about what is happening to "Cadance's" mind.

I like how the character had a nice life and is forcibly taken from this universe. There are too many fics where the main character is just a sob story; gets so annoying seeing so many of those. Having something different is a breath of fresh flank air.

Soooo, harem for Shining it seems like?

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I too wondered what the hell was said there. And I might either be pronouncing it wrong or something cause I still do not know what Original Cadance said.

I love this story, but I'm having trouble seeing why "Cadence" doesn't get some advice... I have to admit, the first thing I would do in that situation would be to find Celestia and work on a solution.

After all, things are only going to get worse the longer he hides them trying to figure things out for himself.

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It's for the sake of the story. It's a clopfic, if Cadance ran off to Celestia we wouldn't have a story.

It's like every horror movie ever made. Why doesn't everyone stick together and call the police? Because in order for it to be scary they all have to split up and explore the scary house all alone (which logically makes no sense.)

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Darn, I was hoping for a small justification - like he was worried that they would treat him as the second coming of Chrysalis or something...

A part of me is hoping that the dude is going to eventually accept Shining and then after awhile actually want's to stay as a pony, then the real Candace come back and want's to swap back.

Eh, the characterization of Cadance kills this for me. I know the canon leaves a lot of room for interpretation, but this is a pony who literally saved a city with the power of her love for Shiny a few years back. The Cadance we see here, faced with a marital disagreement, runs and hides in another universe, while simultaneously kidnapping a complete stranger and uprooting his entire life just so she won't have to deal with it. I like transformation as a story device, and you've done some really nice things with the English / Equestrian language divide, but that ain't Cadance. And it's not distorted or funny enough to be a good parody. Also, your protagonist comes off as a bland, uninteresting asshat. I recognize that character growth and development is a hallmark of this sort of story, but don't start him out as a nobody jackass and expect the audience to be invested in his journey.

You've got some promising things on the craft front with this, but I can't follow or like. Best wishes on continuing it, though!

2737608 To be fair, this is just a clopfic. Story takes a back seat to sexy in this genre.

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Yes, it typically does. I realize that critiquing matters of character in a clopfic is somewhat akin to taking a cheese grater to task for not being a better turkey baster. But unfortunately, I have a very small kitchen; drawer space is at a premium and I need all my utensils to be able to do double duty.

That metaphor got out of control quickly.

2737720 That it did.

2737608
Thanks for the critique.
I already sort of addressed the 'why is Cadance out of character' answer on an earlier comment, see here:

...Cadance is out of character, it's sort of intentional. I understand it's not really "canon" but it makes this story flow better to have her be like that. I wanted to write about what would happen if a married mare come and forcing a human to take her place and live her life. Naturally, this only works the if the mare in question is a bit mean. Why would a happy, loving Cadance steal a human's body? It just doesn't work, so I set aside the canon Cadance and wrote my own personality for her. It also works to make the reader sympathize with both Shining and the protagonist. Perfect example is Fourpony's comment "I wouldn't mind being a mare for Shining if Cadance really was such a bitch".
So anyway, I figured I could sacrifice a few canon aspects for the sake of making a more compelling storyline. Naturally, not everyone will be fond of me changing canon personalities though, and that's fine.

And to add onto that: It's a clopfic, there wasn't even supposed to be a story, I just wanted to write about a human thrust into the life of a married mare and how he will deal with a gender reversal in his relationships. If you're looking for a more deeper, well thought out story, I suggest checking out my main fic, Five Score, Divided by Four. It's a similar scenario (group a friends find themselves turning into ponies from the show) and that one has plenty of room for character development and growth. This is my small side fic, just here so I can write some fast and loose clop scenes and have a little fun with this protagonist