Lost Memories

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Bright Night has woken up in Ponyville, but he has just one problem. He doesn't remember anything. Can his friends help him find the memories he lost, or will he have to form a new life in Ponyville, never knowing who he truly is? And what is the reason he lost his memories in the first place? And what about when one of his friends gets ponyknapped, will he be able to save her? Find out in Lost Memories.

Special thanks to CometTail for helping me edit this story.

(This story has nothing to do with the Bright Night Series. The only similarity is the name and look of the character.)

Chapters (8)

New Pony in Town · 5th Jun 2013 · 1,458 words
1,458
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Am I Human? · 5th Jun 2013 · 954 words
954
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A Friend in Need · 12th Jun 2013 · 1,568 words
1,568
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Danger Ahead · 18th Jun 2013 · 1,357 words
1,357
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A Mysterious Letter · 25th Jun 2013 · 1,128 words
1,128
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It's a Trap · 27th Jun 2013 · 980 words
980
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Rising Action · 10th Jul 2013 · 1,169 words
1,169
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Seizing Control · 19th Aug 2013 · 616 words
616
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Comments ( 16 )

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CometTail

CometTail #1 · Jun 6th, 2013 · · · New Pony in Town ·

Review time. I will be honest, blunt so don't get mad if I correct anything.

Wh- Where am I? My head hurt like crazy. Who am I? I have no idea where or who I am. All I know is I woke up and now I remember nothing.
I open my eyes and standing in front of me is a pink... Pony?
"Hello, I'm Pinkamena Diane Pie, put my friends all call me Pinkie Pie." the pink mare said, "What's your name?"

Let's start, How the heck did he get there. Did he fly into a wasp and teleport? I know he doesn't remember anything but at least give us that knowledge. Describe surroundings, give him a feel. We want to like your OC, not hate it and not know as thing. I assume this is a self insert. How did he feel when he opened his eyes, he's so bland, the dialogueis so boring. Give your own flavor to it. Was he surprised or shocked? Also put my friends, put! It's but not put. I assume you don't got a proofreader, get one!

That's a good question. If only I knew. Instead I simply said the first thing that popped into my mind. "Bright Night," I said.
"Really? Well I've never met you and I know everypony in Ponyville."
Ok, this pony is starting to scare me.

When a new person speaks, give them a new paragraph. It's a golden rule. Press enter twice then give the new person a paragraph. Bad pacing here. Slow it down and go with the flow man. Why did Bright Night come into mind? Was it a wasp he had or a dog he killed?

Ok, this pony is starting to scare me.
"That must mean you're not from around here?! You know what this calls for?"
Oh gosh, I'm afraid to ask. This pony is obviously crazy. I mean just look at her mane. It looks like cotton candy. It freaking screams crazy! And her face. She's glaring at me like she's getting electrocuted! "What?" I finally asked with caution in my voice.

How the fuck did that pony scare you? Excuse my language but seriously give it a feel. Is he scared, is he enjoying it? What part of town is he in. The only full detail you give is Pinkie pie's face and emotions.

"A party!" She exclaimed.
Oh no!
"I planned the party when I first found you, but you where sleeping and it's rude to wake a sleeping pony and it's not a party without the guest of honor. But now you're awake, so I don't have to wake you, and now you can meet all my friends and- Hey! You don't have your Cutiemark and-"
"My what?"

Once again no emotions are displayed. Why would she mention his cutie mark, I don't think pinkie really cares and damn, give a backstory for this OC. Right now we got nothing.

"Your Cutiemark. It's what repres- oh nevermind. It's not important right now. What is important is you meeting my friends. Come on!"
Oh great. I hope her friends aren't as crazy as she is.

Grammar is bad here. You don't need so many periods. Put some damn comma's in for peets sake. You missed a quotation mark on one of your dialogue. Instead of Come on!" It's "Come on!"

Part two of this review will be here soon. My recommendation is get a proofreader because you need it. Also get your chapters up too over 1000 words instead of 800.

Comment posted by bright_night deleted Jun 6th, 2013

bright_night

bright_night #3 · Jun 6th, 2013 · · · Am I Human? ·

2681939
You have many good points and I appreciate the criticism as it will help me make the story better. As to the backstory, I am not sure how I could possibly give away the backstory so early in the story when it is from his perspective and he does not know his backstory. It defeats the premise of the story to provide you with the backstory so early. Now for the emotions. Honestly this is the part I agree with you the most on. I will work on providing more emotions to my characters. All in all, I appreciate the advice and thank you for your help.

CometTail

CometTail #4 · Jun 6th, 2013 · 1 · · Am I Human? ·

2682214
Thanks, I love to help authors to get better. Part two will be in tomorrow, Your story had a cool premise to it but try to make it original. Don't make it where it's predictable. Best wishes and good luck. I will keep an eye on this story.

bright_night

bright_night #5 · Jun 6th, 2013 · · · New Pony in Town ·

2681939

You will be happy to know that I have taken quite a few of your suggestions, and edited the first chapter. Thanks again for the comment.

CometTail

CometTail #6 · Jun 6th, 2013 · · · New Pony in Town ·

2682555
Much better, you give a better feel to this story. Better description too. I see you don't have an editor, I am willing to take the job of it if you prefer. I usually do Fimfic by PMs and Comments but If you have GDocs that be fine too. But, just fix this

"Hello, I'm Pinkamena Diane Pie, put my friends all call me Pinkie Pie."

To But my friends. And

Come on!"

to ''Come on!"

CometTail

CometTail #7 · Jun 6th, 2013 · · · New Pony in Town ·

Review for second half.

"were here!" she said.
We arrived at this place apparently called the Sugercube Corner. She opened the door and we walked in. Inside were 8 other ponies and a young dragonling. Five of the ponies were near full grown mares like Pinkie, and the other three were still little fillies.

Grammar mistakes, "were here!" should be "Were here!" Also you could add a paragraph to explain what happened on the walk to SugarCube Corner. Always spell out numbers, 8 should be eight. What did the ponies look like?

"Hi everypony. This is my new friend Bright Night, I met him on the outskirts of the Everfree Forest. Don't ask me what he was doing there, cause I have no idea why he was there. Seems kinda weird, doesn't it?"
This Pony cannot seem to keep her mind on track.

I will fix your mistakes. It should be like this, grammar wise.

Hi everpony, this is my new friend Bright Night. I met him on the outskirts of the Everfree forest. Don't ask what he was doing their because I don't know why he was there. Seems kinda weird doesn't it?"

This is much better. Again, describe the scene.

This Pony cannot seem to keep her mind on track.
"Oh yeah!" She said as she remembered what she was doing, "Brighty, this is Twilight, Fluttershy, Applejack, and her sister Apple Bloom. Also we have Rarity, her sister Sweetie Bell, Rainbow Dash, and finally Scootaloo. Oh, and this is Spike," Pinkie said the last Name pointing a hoof at the young dragon.
Just then the yellow pony with a pink mane, who I think pinkie said was Fluttershy came over to talk to me.

Describe scene, Random capitalized words also. Name should be name. Pinkie should be capitalized.

"Umm, I'm sorry. I hope you don't mind, but... Umm... I happened to notice you are an Alicorn, and well, I thought only princesses like Twilight, Celestia, and Luna were alicorns," she said.
"Alicorn?" I asked, "What the heck is an alicorn? And who the heck are Celestia and Luna?"

Uh oh, Please, please don't make it an alicorn. You will get so much hate on this it's not funny. Why not make him a unicorn or something. I know you might have to rewrite stuff but for the love of god last thing I want is an author trying to write get hate for making an alicorn.

That concludes the second half and third will be up soon.
.

bright_night

bright_night #8 · Jun 6th, 2013 · · · Am I Human? ·

2682889
I do all my first drafts on google docs and copy/paste onto the site. I then do the formatting and editing on site editing on the site. If you would like to be my editor, then I would love to accept your offer. Thank you very much. I am currently finishing the editing of the second chapter and have already gotten started on the third.

bright_night

bright_night #9 · Jun 6th, 2013 · · · New Pony in Town ·

2683003
Thank you for your input. Do to the fact that I can't figure out how to rewrite the story without the mane character being an alicorn, I shall keep him the same kind of pony that he currently is. I would; however, like to thank you for your concern. On that note, I will continue to revise the story until it is the best it can be.

Wind of the Skies